comedy

Awkward Questions and Answers About Black Hair (an FAQ)

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Yesterday was one of those days when I walk into the office and someone says, “Did you… cut? your hair?”

I didn’t cut my hair.

“But it looks…different. What did you do?”

The answer to that question is not simple. Well, technically, it is. The actual answer is “washed it.” But to say that opens up way more questions and I have production reports to print out and copy.

Aww, haven't an allusion to Rob Schneider in forever! Those are still relevant, right?

These questions also present one of the trickiest things about being a dedicated Oreo. No matter how many show-jumping ribbons you’ve won, you are still have to deal with maintaining, and explaining, what’s going on up there.

So I’m devising this FAQ to hand out whenever my hair changes. Feel free to print it out and pin it up on the wall for easy reference. If you are an Oreo yourself, consider these talking points.

Q: So…did you cut your hair?

A: Nope. Oh! Did you see La Traviata this weekend? Just gorgeous!!

Truth be told, I was hoping to see Die Zauberflöte.

Q: Huh. It looks different.

A: It kind of has a mind of its own. And how hot was it Saturday? I could barely enjoy that Farmers’ Market at the Marina. And now my mangoes are totally overripe. It hurts me to squeeze them.

Q: …was that some sort of euphemism?

A: Not at all. I’m just really bummed about how tender my beautiful, gorgeous mangoes are now. I mean, just look at them.

Ah well, when life gives you bad mangoes, grab some vodka and turn that sh*t into a 'tini.

Q: I don’t think that’s appropriate.

A: All right, well, I’m taking them out at lunch if you want to see.

(See what you’ve done? You’ve created a diversion! Congratulations!)

Q: Well, whatever you did to it, your hair looks great.

A: Thank you.

Q: So…what did you do to it?

IF THIS CONVERSATION IS HAPPENING AFTER A RELAXER….

A: I got it done.

Q: Oh… What does that mean?

Here’s where you have a choice. You can either say: “Well, I spent two hours having white goop spread on my scalp to make all those annoying tight little curls go away.” But again, that brings up a lot of technical questions that really take some time to get into and those production reports are not going to print themselves.

A: I just… get it…straightened.

Q: Ohhhh, so your hair isn’t naturally straight?

This is a dumb question. By and large, black people hair is not naturally straight. But it’s one that a lot of people ask. And once it’s asked, the floodgates tend to open. If there’s anyway to stop talking at this point, do it. Fake a seizure, have someone call your cell phone like you’re on an awkward first date, start bleeding.

If you can’t reasonably get out of it, play along. You’re a good Oreo after all and to act embarrassed or self-conscious or irritated that people can’t just leave your hair alone would just make you look all uppity.

A: No, it’s not.

Q: So, if you just grew your hair out, what would happen?

A: It’d just get big.

Q: Like would you have…?

A: An afro, yes.

Q: You know, I kind of think those little afros are cute. Have you ever thought about growing one?

A: Oh god, no.

Q: Really because [random celebrity of color] has one and she looks really cute.

A: Oh really? Well, have you thought about making a bow out of blonde extensions and putting that on top of your head?

Like this.

Q: Um.. no, why?

A: Oh, well Gaga did that at some awards show, so… you know

Note: Don’t do this. Oreos are sweet, kind, accommodating people. We do not make points or draw attention to gaps in logic.

Q: Really because [random celebrity of color] has one and she looks really cute.

A: Huh, I can’t picture him/her right now. S/he wasn’t in Terrence Malik’s latest, right?

Q: Uh… no.

IF THE QUESTIONS DO NOT COME AFTER A RELAXER….

Q: So what did you do? It looks… fluffier?

A: Just regular washing. Eventually, my hair just ‘goes back.’

Q: What does that mean?

A: It just starts to get curly again?

Q: Oh, so your hair’s not naturally straight.

And there you have it. Though sometimes, you’ll get a few other questions.

Q: Can I touch it?

A: Eh, I’m really weird about personal space.

Q: But c’mon, we’re making out. And I’m already touching your pretty pretty face. Can’t I touch your hair, gorgeous?

A: Okay, fine.#blush(ifIcould) #swoon

Q: Have you ever thought about extensions?

A: Every day of my life. Black hair is really difficult, time consuming and expensive to manage. You have to either buy specialty oils to keep a natural ‘do looking good. Or you have to spend hundreds of dollars to get your scalp burned off once every 6-8 weeks. Or you have to spend more hundreds of dollars to have someone else’s hair sewn into your scalp. And also you have to answer questions like these on the regular.

NOTE: Do not say that. Just say yes. Or better yet “mais oui!”

Q: How do you wash it?

A: With a very delicate regime of shampoo, conditioner and water.

Q: Did you see that documentary Chris Rock did, Good Hair? That was really interesting.

A: I’m not really a Chris Rock fan.

Q: No? I think he’s so funny! I love his stand up.

A: I mean, I would turn down a ticket, but I’d rather go see Eddie Izzard.

If you don't get the joke on this button, go Google it right now and watch the brilliance that unfolds before you. Don't worry, we'll be here when you get back.

Q: So what–

A: Agh, I hate to cut you off, but I have got to get these production reports done, put these mangoes in the fridge and find someone to frame this dressage certificate.

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The one good thing about black hair care is that it’s all pretty painful. Relaxers burn like fire, pressing burns with oil that feels like it’s on fire and extensions are woven so tight you get an instant face lift. It’s a little bit of perfectly reasonable self-punishment to bring absolution like fasting or the Silas belt from The Da Vinci Code.

But you do have to choose wisely and pick the pain that’s right for you. Use this primer to weigh the pros and cons and tell us what you think!

And as you know, we love awkward situations here at The Oreo Experience. Whether it’s a a fancy engagement party or during a hike to the Hollywood sign, embarrassing moments are awesome. What are some of your best cringe-worthy stories? Let us know in the comments!

And I’m not saying I didn’t trust you to look up that Eddie Izzard bit. Buuuuut, just in case you didn’t. Voila!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

8 Other Awesome Things About Slavery

She knows what's up with black people.

This weekend, Michele Bachmann caught some very unwarranted flack for trying to promote marriage and family unity.

Bachmann, along with other Republican politicos, signed a pledge written by activist group  The Family Leader that said this:

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.

The goal of The Family Group and it’s completely inoffensive pledge is ostensibly to push America back to a more family friendly environment by cracking down on abortion, getting rid of porn and by getting all nostalgic for the early days of this country.

Now, some people might say that instead of bringing various sides of an argument together, invoking the institution slavery in a discussion about anything other than actual slavery only serves to polarize anyone who might be reading that document or listening to someone talk about it.

Those people are lame and boring!

Especially because as Bachmann, et al, pointed out, slavery did some real good for black folks! I don’t know if they need another speech writer or document typer-upper. But here are eight other kickass things about slavery that we might want to work into some legal documents!

1. Fitness plans. According to some stats I hastily Googled, almost half of all black people are obese. This article says that in 42 states, more than a third of the black people there are obese. And in 15 states, that number goes up to 40%. I imagine that means that those black people are so fat that…they probably have a number of health problems and are uncomfortable in tiny seats or skinny jeans.

But back in slave days, blacks were super fit!! You can’t have a high body fat percentage when you’re doing hard labor all day. Not only did they get some cardio in when they were running from dogs and bullets and things, but they also got some fantastic strength training by carrying around full bushels of crops.

Not fat.

2. Better names. So there were those studies a while back that showed how identical resumes were handled much differently by recruiters depending on whether they had regular American sounding names or super ethno-black ones.

It was much the same in the good ol’ days. Slaves would come over with these hard to pronounce names and were promptly given new ones. They didn’t have to think about it or sift through dozens of baby name books to figure out if they were more a Madison or a Brighton or a Westley. Slave owners did the work for them! You came into the plantation an Mbutu and left a Marvin. Easy peasy!

3. Zero Percent Unemployment. It’s not new that The Great Recession has been hard on everyone. But statistics show that it’s been super hard on blacks. Whereas the national unemployment rate hovers near 9%, it’s up near 16% for black people and even slightly higher for black men.

That’s so not how it was when slavery was en vogue. You’d be hard pressed to find a black person out of work then. And sure, they didn’t get paid and had to work ridiculous hours, but you know how good an internship looks on a resume!

4. Travel Benefits. Trying to work overseas can be a nightmare! There’s Visas and sponsors to worry about. You have to figure out how to get your paychecks converted into the right currency for whatever bank you’re using. You can’t lose your passport.

But slaves got to work overseas and had someone else take care of all the particulars! All slaves had to do was mind their own business in Africa. Then, suddenly, they got a surprise trip to a whole new world with lodging already taken care of!

Ugh! It's as crowded as coach, am I right!

5. Easier Investment Portfolios. Have you looked at a paycheck recently? They’re so confusing! There’s the gross pay and allowances and all kinds of taxes. And don’t get me started on how complicated it can be to have a 401K! You have to figure out who your dependents are and how much of what stock you want to invest in. And if your company does matching funds, what’s the tipping point when you start taking out too much…it just goes on and on and on…

But slaves didn’t have to worry about all that. No pay meant no financial headache! No one likes doing their taxes and slaves got away with never having to.

6. Lots of Time Outdoors. How tiring is it, being cooped up in an office all day! Fluorescent lights and distant windows and office chairs that never seem to be adjusted quite right. It feels so good to just get away at the weekend. Go outside, take a hike or even just a walk around the neighborhood. Camping is a huge industry–people love it! And those lucky lucky slaves got to be outside all the time!! And they didn’t even have to wear sunscreen!

7. Low-Sugar Diet. We’ve already talked about the obesity rates among blacks, but diabetes is sky-high, too. Diabetes rates are twice as high among African-Americans than it is in whites. And they’re more likely to have to have limbs amputated. No. Thank. You.

It’s hard to over do it on the sugar when you’re eating scraps of meat and bread and so slaves totally had it good when it came to controlling carbs! It’s soooooo hard to say no to dessert. But slaves never got the chance to say yes! How easy would it be to be healthy without all that nasty temptation everywhere!

8. Gated Community Living. Today, neighborhoods where lots of black live are all scary like Compton or Oakland or The South. But as slaves, blacks got to live in super secure, fenced-in areas that would be totes out of their price range today. Jealous!

I mean, no, they didn't live in the big house, but they got to live behind the gate. Which is more than I'm doing, tell you that!

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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Trailer Trashing – Transformers, Larry Crowne, Monte Carlo

Hey, look at that — free time! Quite the concept this “free time” business. I should look into it more often.

I should also get caught up on my pop culture.

Movies are a great way to solidify your Oreo experience. The repeated images of certain types of people doing certain types of things really reminds us who we are and who we can…or probably cannot be.

So let’s see what’s opening this weekend!

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Robots do battle in what is clearly an intricate and well-developed plot… Is it weird that I had a huge crush on StarScream when I was a kid?

Stuff White People Get to Do in This Movie – Be astronauts, threaten Shia LeBoeuf, lie to robots, wear Kevlar, replace Megan Fox while still keeping eyes wide and mouth always slightly ajar, para-glide, seriously–in every shot she’s in in the trailer, the girl’s mouth is open and she’s not speaking what is up with that?, be both able-bodied and sit in a wheelchair, save the day.

Stuff Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie – wear Kevlar and deliver bad news.

Is there a medical reason why her lips can't touch? Should we start a fund?

Larry Crowne – Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks and Magical Black People, oh my!

Stuff White People Get to Do in This Movie – enjoy a simple, but oddly fulfilling job, be employee of the month, hold the power position(s) at a large company, be a Dean/Principal figure, be adorably bumbling, dislike their challenging, but unfulfilling job, enjoy ice irresponsibly, utilize public transportation, ride scooters safely, change the tough chick’s heart despite her best attempts, demonstrate hilariously uncharacteristic sexual abandon, enjoy love with a hint of embarrassment.

Stuff Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie – marvel at the ability of the white guy to be employee of the month, deliver sassy advice to the white guy, help the white guy realize his fashion and romantic potential, be made an example of, be unnecessarily jealous.

They're so in love and they don't even know it!!

Monte Carlo – Wait, what? Movies can cast quasi-minorities in lead roles in films that have nothing to do with them dressing in drag?

I know, TP, I was confused and hurt, too.

And instead of magical black people, there are two magical white people? AND the main character with a Mexican Spanish last night is pretending to be a white princess?? I can only hope that one day my Oreoness takes me to a place where I can pretend to be  a white princess. AND Catherine Tate is in this movie?!?!? Cue Oreo explosion in 3…2…1…

Granted, the feminist implications of this film are pretty terrible (“teehee, despite all my hard work and brains, i just want castles and jewels and pretty and boys and boys!”), but that’s for a whole different blog. I’m still thrilled about the CT cameo. I ain’t even bovvered to pay money for that!

 

For more talk about trailers, click here and let us know what you think!

In case you caught that Star Scream story and want more about TOE’s dubious crushes, check out this story!

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And subscribe on youtube! (Check the youtube page for the brand new music video “White (on the inside) Christmas!”
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

 

Karaoke Fai….WIN!

I went to karaoke with a trusted member of my blanchetourage last night (Need a definition of “Blanchetourag”? Click here!). Wednesday nights at Sardos aren’t incredibly busy, so I was excited for the opportunity to sing more than once and to whip out some new showtunes. My friend said we were meeting some people there, and I was excited to meet them, too.

We got to the bar and I almost walked right out. The “people” we were “supposed” to “meet” were both black.

WTF?

Every time you trick an Oreo, a baby loses its wings

He knows me and that per the Oreo code it is so not okay to hang out en masse with other black people.

My friend mentioned that one of the girls was in a recent revival of RENT and my hackles went down a bit. The musical RENT does feature a lot of black people in it, but it’s very theatery and it’s Broadway and OhMyGodAdamPascalTouchedMeEnce!!! so I tossed her some Oreo points and let it go.

Dear Adam, the answer will always be "yes"

Then the other girl suggested the three of us go sing a song together.

What??

We were the only black people in the whole bar. If we went up to sing together, we’d totally really look like really black people. But part of the aforementioned Oreo code involves sticking to a WASPish code of uncomfortable politeness. So I had to say yes.

And I was totally rewarded for my efforts.

I worried we were going to end up singing something ethnic. Whitney Carey or Rhiannan or something like that. But the track started. And it was Hanson! Three black girls pretending to be two white boys and one white girl three white boys! I couldn’t totally get on board with that and I happily MmmBopped along. I also learned that an “MmmBop” was a unit of time.

I also also learned later that “More Than Words” seems to be about a bj. 😦

“…if you only knew how easy
It would be to show me how you feel

More than words
Is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know…”

Yeah, that’s not romantic, that’s about a beej.  Wish I had realized that in high school. Prom would have been much much different.

Lots of popular songs are confusing. And that’s one of the reasons I love showtunes, because the song “Popular” is not confusing at all.

What’s your go-to karaoke jam? (are we still saying ‘jam’?) Do you think Adam Pascal would let me More Than Words him? Let us know in the comments!

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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Awkward Conversations

This week, I’ve  had three interesting Oreo-related conversations. One of them really rubbed the wrong way. Transcripts are below. Unless otherwise indicated (or me), all speakers are white…natch. 🙂

Monday – during lunch

OreoExperience: “How was the college tour this weekend?”

Friend: “So, he decided against San Diego State. And I’m so glad! When we went there, there were so many Asians! I mean, who is my son going to hang out with when there’s nothing but Asians in the engineering school?”

I mean, just look how awkward this guy is. I would hate to be stuck in a library -- or on a time jumping island -- with this hottie, er...Asian

Tuesday – at the gym

Friend: “I just talked to Manuel–the guy who cleans the cafe up here–for the first time.”

OreoExperience: “Cool. He seems really nice.”

Friend: “He is. He’s been married for 15 years and he has a son.”

OreoExperience: “Lovely.”

Friend: “Yeah. And I was especially glad to hear that he only had one son. I mean, Mexicans have such big families and he obviously can’t support them working at that job.”

With the right conversation, this is not the only place you'll feel pain after spin class.

Wednesday – outside reception at work

OreoExperience: Thanks for bringing the release forms, I’ll get them to the right person for you.

NewWriter: Thanks, I appreciate it.

OreoExperience: Are you new to LA or have you been here a while?

NewWriter: Just a couple of years. I was doing production before and only recently started writing.

OreoExperience: Cool. Well good luck! It’s a tough business, but it’s pretty awesome.

NewWriter: Yeah. I have this one friend who’s Nigerian. And he told me about how when he goes in for meetings, people really intimidated by him and expect him to be like stereotypically black or something. Like he writes regular comedy, but they expect him to sound like Tyler Perry.

How. Dare. He?? My week was going so well!! 😦

Friend had the decency to not notice that I was also brown (on the outside) and therefore might be thrown off by stories filled with stereotypetastic overtones. She didn’t think for one second that while she was sad that her son would be the “only one” of him at his new school, that I might have little sympathy for that because I have pretty much been the “only one” in every school I’ve ever been to ever. shhh, black! YAY!! My Oreo work has paid off!! Bonus points because the disdain she intimated that she had for minorities reminded why I’m trying to hard to escape my ethnicity in the first place.

She got to dump about annoying things that people of color do; I got to validate my lifestyle choice. Everyone wins!

So thanks, NewWriter, for bursting my Oreo bubble. By attempting to compassionately connect with me about the bummers of racism, you shined a great big ol’ spotlight on my skin color that I have been (ironically) trying to keep in the dark for so long.

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What was the last thing that someone said to you that rubbed you the wrong way–race related or otherwise. Bonus points if it was something from this blog. 🙂 Either way, let us know in the comments!

For more on Tyler Perry perils, click here.

For things people didn’t go ahead and say that I so wish they had, click here.

For conversations people wish TheOreoExperience  understood better, click here.

To see how to get started with your own Oreo lifestyle, click here.

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – Doggie Style

Dear Diary,

I know that as an Oreo, I should favor tiny, teacup-sized dogs that fit in Hermes bags, take to wearing tiaras and always look scared to death to be alive.

Everyone in this photo is crying on the inside.

I do love all animals, so those shaky little pets are on the list. But, and I hate to admit this, I have a special place in my heart for Pit Bulls.

On paper, this is a terrible idea! Pit Bulls are often associated with the ghetto, they’re banned from many public places and when people see them coming, they often hold their children close and dash to the other side of the street… so Pit Bulls are basically the black people of the dog world. And since they’re kind of black, as an Oreo, I should avoid them at all cost.

Was either unexpectedly approached by a pittie or an RBP. Hard to tell.

But I can’t help it. I love them!

Sure, they have big giant jaws…but those big giant jaws turn into big giant love!!

My what a big smile you have!

They also have big, giant hearts. Yes, these dogs are strong, but they’re also sweet, loyal, dedicated and often misunderstood…which is…you know, not at all how I see myself, even a little bit…

I didn’t realize how much I loved these puppers until my January video, Geeky Pet Names, where I got to work with Angel City Pit Bulls – a rescue org in Los Angeles that everyone should check out and support.

These dogs are also great metaphors. And as a I writer, I’m always looking for one of those that I haven’t exhausted. The video below is a great example of a how a little love and a little understanding can change a little life. It’s also a great example of something that will totally make me cry my eyeballs out at my desk at work. The meeting I’m about to go is gonna be totes awks now with mascara streaming down my face.

As an Oreo, I also know that I should stick to my WASPy roots and not display so much schmaltz and sincerity like I have over these dogs. So here’s me buttoning up my collar before I head off to the courts (that’s tennis courts, not courts of law, in case my black was still showing). After that I’ll swing by the club (yacht, not night) and see if I can’t get some little guy on a leash (no awkward innuendos in that last bit, right?)

-OreoExperience

 

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Got a pittie? Tell us about ’em!

Got something that makes you cry at your desk? Tell us about that, too!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Are We Twins? Dopplegangers? Or Just Two Black Chicks?

The phrase “you remind me of _____” is a tricky one. On one hand, you could be setting someone up for a spectacular compliment. Or you could be about to insult them royally. I think I experienced both this weekend.

I was chatting with someone I had just met and he said “Do you know who you remind me of?”

I crossed my fingers hoping he’d say Julie Andrews (she’s delightfully playful and silly and sing like the Dickens!) or Erica Jong (feisty, smart, feministy–I’ll take that) or Tina Fey ( I think I write like her…just whiter).

But he said none of those people.

Instead he said:  “You know the girl who played Angela on Boy Meets World…?”

I do know the girl who played Angela on Boy Meets World. That was my favorite show as a tween. It was party of ABC’s TGIF lineup and since I wasn’t doing things like going out or having friends over on Friday nights (because I was …um…just soooo popular that it was impossible to pick….um..yeah…) I watched a lot of TV. The actress who played Angela is Trina McGee and I loved her because she was a total Oreo! She was in an interracial relationship with the troubled best friend of the main character and had no friend of color to speak of. She was an inspiration and hero.

What she wasn’t, was someone who looks anything like me.

Here is a picture of me right now and  basically how I looked that night.

Totally candid.

Here are some pictures of Trina McGee.

Let’s see…

I have: a round face, short hair, round nose, hidden cheekbones.

She has: a long face, long hair, slender nose and a relatively defined bone structure.

Hmmm, I wonder what he thought we had in common.

I bet it was our pluck. It’s usually the pluck.

Who do people say you look like? Do you agree with them? And do you like it?

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

What’s up, My Wenches!

Gramercy for stopping by m’lord and m’ladies! It is with great delight and pleasure that I announce my recent arrival at ye olde Renaissance and Pleasure Faire. Huzzah!

This horse wishes he belonged to a better union.

Okay, my spell and grammar check is going crazy, so back to contemporary English.

I was so excited this weekend to have gone to the So Cal Renaissance and Pleasure Faire. Even more excited to have gone with a Ren Fest n00b so I got to see it for the first time all over again.

I remember my first Ren Fest. Mom and Dad took me to the big one in Texas when I was maybe 11. I think I could hear my mom’s heart scream out “Noooo! You were supposed to be an engineer!!” as my eyes got wide with the realization that I had found my people and finally come home. (Cut to years later, when I took this photo. Mom was still crying.)

I also realized that as I was traipsing around with my RF cohort, all the things that I took for granted about ye olde Faires that he was experiencing for the first time. So here’s a little primer for enjoying the faire and getting your wench on (before you get her off!)

1. Just go ahead and look at the boobs. Tight bodices, corsets and low slung chemises, oh my! It is 98% likely that the first thing that you’ll see when you look up from your program are a pair of boobs. Like way more boobs that you’re used to. Don’t be alarmed. Go ahead. Look at ‘em. Chances are that sassy lass has her coin purse, a show schedule, her cell phone or self-esteem stuck in there. So enjoy it. No touching, though!

2. Don’t worry about facts. Yes, the period of history known as The Renaissance technically happened between the 1300s and the 1600s. But that doesn’t mean that you won’t see costumes from The Crusades, The Classical Period, Star Trek or Jack Sparrow. Ren Faires are in part an excuse to just enjoy dressing up. So greet your Bridge Captain with a tip of your feathered cap and make way for The Queen.

Sure, that's close enough.

3. You will get picked and probably kissed. Don’t fight back. Struggling only makes it harder. Apart from the jousts where they use actual horses and swords, the shows at Ren Faires are notoriously interactive. Generally between 1 and 5 “volunteers” will be chosen for any given show. If you’re chosen, this is not the time to be coy. The audiences like to see you be silly and since Ren Faires are a bastion for good natured debauchery, you’ll probably get felt up a little.

If you play your cards right, you'll get picked and kissed by my friends The Magnificent Humble Boys! If you're in So Cal, they're at the Faire. Go see them!

4. Food! Eat the turkey legs, drink the mead, smell the incense! It’s not just sexual gluttony that’s celebrated at these things. There is tons. And tons. Of food. Eat it. Don’t hold back. It’s good. And it’s on a stick!

5. If you’re of color, for the love of God, wear sunscreen! You’ll be outdoors. The sun will be out. Your shoulders will be exposed. You’re doing so well by being at a Ren Fest in the first place, don’t muck it up by getting all dark. Like I’ve said when summer comes, Always Use Protection.

What are your best Ren Fest tips or memories? Let us know and share your pictures in the comments below or at @oreoexperience on Twitter!

Sometimes, Despite Your Best Efforts….

and Peter Pan collar, things like this happen.

I went to a screenwriting panel this week, composition notebook in hand, poignant questions at the ready, joke for Graham Yost rehearsed (it totally landed, btw!). I was sitting in a row by myself when I was approached by this RBP.

I know he was an RBP not just because he was black, but because when he introduced himself to me, the next thing he said was “Yo, how you learn to be so articulate  like that. You talk so clear and proper. Where your from?”

The above quote is true. I wish to God I were kidding.

I wanted to say “well, I like to be heard and understood, so you know, it kind of comes with the territory.”

But instead I just smiled and laughed and tossed my head to the side the way you do when you want to politely move on from the subject at hand.

For some unholy reason, we exchanged business cards. He said he was a comedian working on a documentary and might need writers, so I gave in.

Then, the next day, I got this call: (translations are in parentheses)

Him: Hey,  yo, it’s R— from last night.

TOE: Hi.

Him: What’s up?

TOE: I’m finishing up work, about to head out.

Him: That’s cool. So what’s going on?

TOE: Nothing much. (Didn’t I just answer this?)

Him: Okay, cool….

(beat)

TOE: So, you called?

Him: Yeah, I’ve got a show tonight. Wondered if you wanted to go to it?”

(Here’s where I think “Did we not establish last night that maybe Oreo and “why you talk so proper guy” might not be hang out buddies?” But instead, I decide to just re-emphasize my Oreoness and let him do the math.)

TOE: I can’t tonight. I’m going to a friend’s show.

Him: What kind of show?

TOE: (he’ll get it now!) It’s a Victorian Synthpunk bank with some Steampunk belly dancing.

The guys dress like this at these shows. I somehow doubt "you talk proper" guy has goggles. (Thank you Angelus-Knight for the photo!)

Him: Ohhhh

(Whew! Dodged that–)

Him: What about tomorrow night?

TOE: I’ve got a gin tasting.

(okay, surely now he’ll–)

Him: Saturday?

TOE: Swing dancing.

(are you effing kidd–)

Him: Sunday?

TOE: Renaissance Faire.

Him: Hmm. Okay. Well, maybe I’ll just send you these sketches and see what you think.

TOE: Sounds good!

It’s nice to see that following the rules and sounding Oreo distress calls does work, even if it takes more time than it should.

What about you? How do you politely (or impolitely) decline invitations? Let us know in the comments!

Also, while I’m glad people are still having the “why do you talk so white” conversation–because it’s pretty much the basis for two years of blogging–But seriously? We’re still having the “why do you talk so white” conversation? I mean c’mon, help me up my game! Talking white is like Oreo skill #1. Give me a challenge, people!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Cooking. Lessons.

Went to Trader Joe’s Friday night to pick up the usual weekend fare. Was running low on some basics, so had to make an emergency run for some leeks, fennel and cumin.

You do not want to see me without my cumin.

I had an unusual amount of free time Saturday morning, and I was determined to do something healthy with it. So I decided to cook.

And as I looked at all my fresh food stuffs, I remembered: I am really terrible at cooking.

Like very terrible.

Like the scenes in movies where everyone smiles, then gives the food to the dog terrible.

Or like this coffee ad.

Bad coffee? Yup. Totally grounds for divorce. (had to)

You would think it would be relatively easy to at least be passable at cooking. I mean, there are these nifty things called recipes that are made of detailed instructions on how to make yummy food in a yummy way.

But I am not terrible at cooking because I cannot read and/or follow these directions. I am terrible at cooking because I would rather not read and/or follow these directions.

When the recipe says something like “Cook at 350 degrees for 45 minutes,” I can’t help but think: “Why not cook at 500 degrees for like 25 minutes?”

Unless the objective is to summon five fire engines and 10 men, that 500 degrees business rarely works.

If it says: “simmer for 10 minutes,” I say “why not boil for 2?” And when the water’s taking too long to come to said boil, I think: “Hmmm, salt makes water boil faster, so what if this doesn’t call for a brine?”

If I were to bring this up with a professional, I imagine that they would tell me it had something to do with a rarely confessed reticence to follow very strict rules. As discussed earlier, my home was riddled with very strict rules and though I followed them to the letter, the bruises that would show up on my arms let me know that I had not followed them closely enough.

So now, instead of say working through these issues, I set up rules for myself, then break them in small and worthless ways ostensibly so I can forgive myself to the degree I was unforgiven before. I promise myself I’ll manage the TMJ pain that shoots up half of my face most days by wearing this mouth guard that I’ve put on my nightstand. Then I put my nightstand just too far away from the bed for it to be convenient to reach over to before I fall asleep. I mean, I’m just soooo comfortable where I am,  and the cats are all settled, I’d hate to disturb them by rolling over.

I want to stress out less, so I tell myself that I will leave at a time that will allow me to reach my destination a few minutes early. Then I procrastinate and putter around so that I leave 15 minutes late for everything. But it’s LA, and there’s the 405 to blame…even if I never go over the hill.

I’d love an awesome relationship, so I make my list of healthy non-negotiables when it comes to dating and then I throw them right out the window. I mean, he was super funny and complimented my vocabulary! Who needs a guy with a job…or self esteem?

I wanted to say something about how Romeo Montague didn't have a job. So I googled "Romeo" and mostly pictures of this dude came up.

Cooking is much the same way. I want the pretty, yummy food thing—this morning in particular, I want sweet potato ginger spoon bread. But there must be another way of getting it than following these little rules, right? I mean, I’ve already got out the cup measure, do I really need the half-cup measure, too. It’s all the way on the other side of the room.

To be fair, straying from my own rules has brought me huge benefits. I never would have discovered how amazingly relaxing the four-jet shower at the spa after the deep tissue massage could be were I not looking for alternate TMJ cures. That massage was expensive, but in terms of restorative power, it was priceless.

I have discovered the joys of taco trucks because  leaving 15 minutes late made me 45 minutes late to the birthday party and  I missed out on the food.

And because my romantic choices are messy at best, I have learned how awesome front row seats at big musicals can be, had a million amazing conversations on balconies, tasted tequila that was better than I thought tequila could be, been proud and inspired because of a few jokes, slept in the most comfortable bed I’ve ever known, more deeply appreciated Bukowski, discovered I have dimples, found boundaries, felt that amazing white fire and ice all needles feeling, learned to like wine, figured out how to wear dresses, heard beautiful music and spent a storybook Christmas in Austria.

Of course, there’s the other side. The side that makes me wonder if the rules aren’t better. Christmas in Austria was stunning; but once we got home, all the problems that I suspected at the beginning were still there, and now there’s a great deal of paperwork where love once was.

I hope that there is something between the rules and personal anarchy. And perhaps that’s what my tiny rebellions are about. Finding that place where there’s give and take to make mistakes. But still a standard to strive for and a soft place to land when you miss.

Right this moment, however, I’m hoping that my spoon bread turns out okay even though I used too many potatoes and got cornbread mix instead of plain cornmeal. There’s probably too much water in it (since the recipe didn’t call for water in the first place), I cooked it in a muffin tin instead of a loaf pan and I forgot the ginger all together. Pretty par for the course for a day in the kitchen with TOE.

I especially hope this thing turns out okay because my roommates are all in the kitchen and I can only be so delightfully self-deprecating at 8:30 a.m. on a Saturday.

Moment of truth arrives. I pull it out and my spoon bread muffins and see my creation. They are delicious, fluffy and beautifully golden.

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!