black people

This Is Why We Can’t Go To Nice Places!

The rope is there for a reason.

Because in a group, black people are scary!

Look, Ivy League alum who are upset that your were turned away from a club even though you weren’t doing anything wrong, we’ve been over this. One of us in a crowd is delightful, maybe even amusing. We provide the image of diversity in a neighborhood with declining property values.

But standing in line…outdoors…where people can see you…that’s just threatening. Even if you are a bunch of Harvard and Yale law students. Yes, the argyle and the discussion of this year’s lacrosse teams is a start, but you have to look at the whole picture.

Here’s what happened: A group of of-color Ivy Leaguers with a phenomenally strict guest list were waiting on line to get into a new club.

The owners of the club, seeing the line, believed it to be attracting “local gang bangers” and shut the party down. Or maybe they just thought the line would attract local gang bangers, because according to one of the event’s organizers, the club management said both.

In a letter to the party-attendees, one of the organizers explained his mistake:

At approximately 10:30PM club management called the owner to say that they saw individuals on line whom they recognized as “local gang bangers” (their words not mine). In response to this, the club owner directed the bouncers to only let individuals with a Harvard or Yale ID in to the club. At this point Kwame and I argued that no alumnus would have his or her expired college ID with them and reiterated that the reason we did the party on a pre-sold basis with strict admittance based solely on the guest list was to guarantee that the only attendees were Harvard and Yale alumni, grad students and their close friends and to ensure that no “bad seeds” could contaminate our party. However, given that this was the club’s opening weekend, the owner was particularly sensitive to anything going wrong.

At approximately 10:45, after we won the argument concerning the amazing quality of our crowd and the strictness of our guest list, management began letting people in but then became worried that as our crowd waited in line it could attract the attention of “local gang bangers” passing by who would try to gain entrance to our party. Furthermore, they feared that if these individuals were turned away for not being on the guest list they could hypothetically cause problems with the bouncers outside of the club and draw negative attention to the establishment. Despite the fact that our Friday night party went off without a hitch and had no problems when we turned people away from the door for not being on our list, management decided to shut the party down as to avoid the hypothetical chance of attracting the “wrong crowd” (again their words not mine). In spite of our attempts to reason with them, we were left in a position where despite agreeing with our logic, the decision had been made and we were left powerless

Well, the management here really be blamed? There are very simple rules for being a functioning Oreo and one of them is that we don’t congregate en masse. Check the FAQ here if you have any questions…or check this link to see which people might be more excited to see you.
And make sure you sign the sign up sheet for next month’s Caroling Fest so we know if there’s still room.
Wouldn’t want to upset anyone.
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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

TV Show Fades to Black, then Fades

When JJ Abram’s hour-long drama, “Sexy Sexy Black People” Undercovers showed up in the TV listings, I was super worried. A show with Oreo-esque leads might lead to other TV shows to feature layered characters of color and then how would I stand out??

But my fears were allayed with NBC announced they were canceling it.

Writing for The Root, Marcus Vanderberg mentions that Undercovers had a lot of challenges–including untested acting talent, weak scripts and a poor time slot.

Another problem:

Black viewers, who many might have guessed would rally behind the show, never embraced it. Undercovers only cracked the top 10 on Target Market News‘ list of the top 25 broadcast shows in black households twice, and that was during its first two weeks on air. On Nov. 4, the night before the show was officially canceled, Undercovers finished 16th in black households behind Hawaii Five-0 and The Mentalist, both of which lack black lead characters.

Black people didn’t want to watch a show with untested acting talent, weak scripts and a poor time slot. So now, networks are feeling skittish again about casting leads of color in a show.

The fact that black leads are such a gamble on network TV these days highlights the noticeable shift in programming during the last 25 years….

…The UPN and the WB, which is now the CW Network, copied the Fox blueprint (think Girlfriends) before they all abandoned most of their black programming in order to appeal to a more mainstream audience. And now it seems as if all the inroads of the past few decades have been for nothing…

I took a look at other shows that have been canceled or threatened with cancellation this year and noticed a disturbing trend:

18 To Life: Kids Get Married on a Dare

100 Questions: A girl and her friends navigate life in NYC - canceled after 6 eps

As The World Turns: Stodgy Soaps Suddenly Seems Sexy

Man with huge hands gives advice - canceled after 2 eps

The Bridge: Cop does cop things.- canceled after 3 eps

Gravity: Suicide survivors make jokes - canceled after 10 eps

Huge: Nikki Blonsky goes to camp

Lone Star: A con man has a conscious...and also a lot of sex. - canceled after 2 eps.

My Generation: Angst and agnst with a dollop of angst. - canceled after 2 eps

Outlaw: Jimmy Smits knows justice; but not TV audiences - canceled after four eps.

Notice anything about most of the people in these shows?

They’re actors! Apparently, actor-led TV shows have a really hard time sticking. I hope the networks don’t feel skittish about gambling on having actors in their shows after this disappointing season.

Crossing my fingers for you, actors. You’ll figure it out.

And if you do wanna see some of colors leading a show…there’s always the still-climbing-in-the-ratings Real Housewives of Atlanta where next week, Phaedra and Apollo will have a baby…or won’t they???

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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Aunt Jemima IS Sweet; Butterworth is Shunned

Not only does she make breakfast treats even more delicious, she totally reminds me why I work so hard to be an Oreo!

Wow  if that’s what RBP look like, no thank you! And if that caption (which read: “Aunt Jemima, you is so sweet”)  is how they talk…ugh! not for me!!

A big thanks to Tennessee Republican Terri Lynn Weaver for posting this pic on her facebook page shortly after Halloween of her (on the right) posing with her pastor.

Also, thanks to the folks at Sociological Images where I found this video of coverage of the photo. Click the link for the video.

There are so many things to love about that video and this story that I don’t even know where to start. So many good tips and reminders for Oreos! Here’s some of what I learned from this clip.

1. When lawmakers and men of God decide together that dressing up in blackface is okay, how can you possibly argue with that?

2. The use of the phrase “some of my best friends are black”–still a totally valid argument. In the video, Weaver asserts that “she is the least racist person because SOMBFAB.”

3. When doing a story about a contentious race issue, be sure to put your of color reporters on it and have only a passing quote from someone who’s a non-color so that there’s no doubt that this story is pretty much just for black folks and doesn’t affect anyone, except maybe the poor lawmaker who clearly doesn’t understand that facebook is a wildly public space accessible by anyone with a computer or cell phone.

I wonder if we can get that Aunt Jemima get up in a sexy version for the ladies!

I also wonder what other costumes Pastor Jemima threw out in favor of the one he picked. I mean, if he were going for syrup ladies, he could have done Ms. Butterworth and not had to spend so much money on shoe polish.

 

For more fun with facebook, check out this skin whitening app, this invitation to a “Compton Cookout,” and this charming message I got in my inbox.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Craigslist Missed Connections: Swinging

To: The Other Black Guy at Swing Dancing Last Night,

One, two, rock-step, one, two, rock-step....away from ethnic expectations.

Congratulations first on following the Oreo rules and going to an event where you would most likely be the only of color in attendance. I apologize for not checking the memo and also showing up, I know it was awkward to be in such close proximity.

Also congratulations on fantastic footwork. Your Lindy is enviable.

Finally, thank you for not asking me to dance when we were the only two people without partners during “L-O-V-E.”

Sure, we were wasting time just standing there while a perfectly good song was playing and there was room on the dance floor. But we already looked silly in our saddle shoes and sailor pants. No need to look like RBP as well.

Best,

OW

Question: As an Oreo, I naturally feel most comfortable when I’m in a predominantly non-colored crowd–when no one in the restaurant/movie theater/saddlery looks like me. But does it work the other way? How do you feel when you’re in a crowd where no one looks like you? Let us know in the comments!

 

CNN is the New Black

Sometimes, it’s hard to know exactly what to do and not to do to be an Oreo. But just when you’re wondering:

Want to know what black is? This lady will tell you. She knows. She does research

“Hmmm, does this credit card charge, Episcopalian service or my position on gender roles make me more or less black?”

Along comes CNN for telling us exactly what it is to be “Black in America”….so that we can avoid it completely!

I have only seen snippets of this “documentary series” and was excited to read Elon James White’s recap of it. (I know, I know, I’m reading a black blog. But his last name is “White” so that must help, right?) The link above takes you to his article. And here’s an excerpt:

I jokingly tweeted “Watching BIA 3 again because apparently I hate my eyes” but as one particular great white hope said “A lot truth is said in jest.” Having now watched Black in America twice I’ll try to paint a picture of last nights installment in the “This is how the Negroes work” series.

Thanks to CNN, I’ve been able to add to my list of things to avoid. Things that black people apparently do that are very very different than non-colors and things I will begin to shun in order to not lose the Oreo points I have painstakingly amassed.

Some are obvious, like the don’t rap or don’t have a drug dealer as a relative rule. But others are sneakier. Now it’s goodbye to using credit cards, dealing with college debt, contemplating spirituality. Because according to “Black in America” those are things unique to the of color experience.

And major Coconut points go to Soledad O’Brien, the Cuban/Australian journalist helming this series. One way to make yourself feel better about your own brownish heritage is to make others feel a little worse about theirs.

Hmm, I wonder if she’d take my pitch for “Oreo in America.”

For more ways to make sure that the person you’re talking to is an actual Oreo click here.

And for more ways to keep up with The Oreo Experience, click here.

 

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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Sexy Oreo Costumes!

 

Always be looking out for how to look the part.

 

With just two weeks until ladies show us your tits under the guise of creativity day Halloween, I am reminded that Oreos don’t just dress up on that fun day. Oreos wear costumes every day. Just like that girl in your condo finds just the perfect piece of lingerie to represent Alice in Wonderland, Finding Nemo or a medical professional, Oreos work painstakingly to make sure that their clothes communicate who they are on the inside, too.

Here are three styles of dress befitting an Oreo lifestyle.

  • Basic, classic prep. Thanks to characters like Urkel and Carlton, we get that when a person of color wears plaid, pleats or padded seersucker, they are way more white than not. Nothing says “I definitely didn’t buy I am Not a Human Being” like saddle shoes.
  • Hipster. Hipsters get a lot of flack for looking like bizzarely arrogant homeless people, but they do read Amy Sedaris, love Sarah Silverman and tout individuality by dressing just like all the other hipsters. This makes them easy to identify and to assimilate into. So get your Oreo pal an Urban Outers gift certificate and get your hobo bag on! Show up at your fave large independent coffee shop with your skinny jeans and ironically thick glasses and no one will dare ask you if you saw the Raiders play that weekend.
  • Steampunk. My favorite of this list! Steampunk embraces non-RBP subjects like science and Britain and combines them with neat metal-based fashions. A few pairs of fettish-looking goggles, tiny top hat, a black tutu and and your signed copy of The Anubis Gate and you’re all set!

What other fashions do you think are good for Oreos? Any fashion trends you’ve tried to get on board with and either had massive success or a major fail? Let us know!

 

Though I was joking about sexy Nemo, didn't you?

 

The Minority Report – The Social Network

Welcome to The Minority Report – a super quick movie review.

 

"What is Rashida Jones' character doing here again?"

 

Rowing crews,  elite secret societies and hedge funds, oh my!!  It goes without saying that I was thrilled to see a movie who’s demographic, by virtue of the subject matter, location and protagonist, would be so homogeneous. And The Social Network did not disappoint. There are definitely no RBP at Harvard, or Stanford…BUT there IS one at BU, in case you need someone to intimidate your ex-boyfriend.

And when filling a bus full of girls to be used as tokens and prizes for well-educated kids of means, Asian is about as colorful as you should get.

Also, can we get a sequel that features just the Winkelvie…shirtless….and rowing…and shirtless.

What do you think? Much has been made about what some call sexism, what some call artistic portrayal in this movie. Are you on Sorkin’s side that says “look, these guys were kind of assholey and we wanted to show that.” Or are you on the truthier side that says “there were in fact contributing women important to the building of facebook, where were they in this movie? and how dumb are the girls in the flick that not only do they have no storylines of their own but they can’t even smoke pot correctly??”

More Oreo facebook misadventures: Poorly worded emails, confusing status updates, and weird-ass apps, oh my!

What to help The Oreo Experience make a better movie? Click here to become a backer of “White (on the inside) Christmas!“

5 Ways to Eat Chicken

We all know that RBP love cripsy chicken products at a significantly higher rate than non colors. So it’s imperative that Oreos stay away from said food. Sometimes, however, eating chicken will be nearly unavoidable. Here are four ways that an Oreo can make eating chicken palatable.

  • On someone else’s dime, quarter or gold Sacagawea head dollar. If the president of your boating society or captain of your rowing team or Young Republicans secretary is buying, go ahead and eat. But do so daintily. Avoid picking it up with your fingers, instead, use a knife and fork (cutting of course with your dominant hand and not switching the utensils when the slice has been severed) and remove any skin. This will clue your company in to the fact that while you can enjoy the meat, you eat it with only reasonable amount of happiness. And also, it will take so dang long for you to finish, they’ll never serve it again.
  • With an alibi. When eating out with your tennis partner or bank manager, do be sure to start the meal by preemptively asking for alternatives. A well-timed “Ohh, I hear they have great Quiche here,” can do wonders! If chicken is the only option, you can eat it, secure in the knowledge that you did your part to avoid.
  • Cordon-bleu. This is an acceptable way to eat chicken, provided you practice the pronunciation. It’s not “Cord-On-Bloo,” it’s more of a “Khor-duhn-bluh.” Say it right and a) no one will be totally sure what you’re saying and b) will be too blown away by your accent to notice the chicken part.
  • At Chick Fil A. It’s fried chicken, for sure, but the company is owned by Mormons who have a…storied relationship with black people that involves of colors having historically been prevented from holding positions in the church because their dark skin proved they fought on the side of Cain in the great battle between God and the devil. That rules changed in the late 1970s, when the church caught up to the country and discovered that blatant racism was slightly out of vogue. They also encourage self-loathing in the gays–basically they do a lot to keep the mainstream mainstream and no matter how much we like RENT and The Green Party, the mainstream is the stream we’re all trying to swim in.
  • In secret. With the ability to avoid any slips of the tongue, forgotten protocol or pictures that end up on facebook, this is really the best option.

For more chicken confessions, check out this diary entry, what happened when I went to screening of my web series, and how I broke all the above rules on my birthday last week.

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Oreo Infiltration – Do you think they’ll find me out??

I got news today that my webseries,”We’re Seeing Someone,” was chosen to be part of the Mid-Atlantic Black Film Festival.

I know how it sounds. The Oreo Experience in a fest that promotes ethnic identity…but don’t look at it as selling out or giving in…but as a recruiting tool! (Besides, I think I do a good job of Oreo-ing it up in the series…except when I have to go on that date with the black guy…though he might a pretty good Oreo himself, what do you think?)

Check out the series here and let me know what you think.

You can also be a part of the next big Oreo project by clicking here and making a pledge to become a backer. We’re more than half way to our goal and you can help put us over the top!!

Lemme know what you think!!

Fest is in Virgina, if I do make it out there, what should I in Norfolk?

And in all seriousness, thank you so much to MABFF and especially Michael Ajakwe for his support of this writer and of Internet entertainment.