african americans

Holy Rolling Batman – Gospel Night at Skating Rink

When members of my blanchetourage like my Brown-educated roommate, her boyfriend who’s getting his PhD in something to do with Shakespeare and their friend who works as a French literature translator invite me to hang with them, I always feel perfectly safe that whatever they suggest will be Oreo-appropriate.

So when Brown, Shakes and French said “Let’s go skating!” I was like “D’accord!”

I'm very agreeable.

When they murmured that it was Gospel Night at the place we were going and that the place we were going was at the corner of Crenshaw and Venice (read: inner effing city!) I was apparently not paying attention.

But easily distracted.

When we got there, I was in shock. “Gospel Night” didn’t come close to describing the scene. It might as well have been “Fried Chicken and Check Cashing Place Night” considering the number of black people who were there.

I was soon distracted though, because in addition to way too many black folks, World of Wheels was also filled with something else: wonderful, sweet nostalgia.

I hadn’t been to a skating rink since I was maybe 10-years-old. So, you know, just like 10 years ago. Definitely not 21 years ago. And I had forgotten how wonderful they were.

Old school skates are awesome. They’re heavy and look exactly like they did back in the day. Which also means they’re probably also crawling with strangers’ foot germs from back in the day, but they smelled fine and did the job. The floor on the rink feels really specific–smooth, but grainy like you’re sliding over warm ice with just a hint of gravel in it. The arcade was awesome. I am terrible at video games (except Katamari – I will totally kick yer butt at Katamari) but I love arcade games. Give me skee ball, Centipede and some air hockey and you can get rid of me for like 12 hours.

Look, if you played Katamari, you'd totally get this pic. If you don't get this pic...that's probably best.

While looking at all this wonderfulness and whizzing around the track, I felt all the things I felt when I was a kid–joy, bliss, abandon, like I could fly, and because a guy I had a very meaningful relationship with sex with a few times showed up, hugging a girl with whom he was clearly having a very meaningful relationship, I also felt shame. Just like in middle school. Joy and shame very close together.

I also marvelled at the crazy skating abilities of all the RBPs near me. Brown, Shakes, French and I were the only one who weren’t spinning, dancing and Salchow-ing while in rollertastic motion. Why, I thought, could these homophobic-looking thuggy teens ronde de jambe so easily, but not me? So I gave it a little try. Turns out, having an unshrinkable ass isn’t just good for attracting unwanted attention on Hollywood Blvd. late at night after an improv show. It’s also great for grounding yourself during a successful Besti Squat.

It looks like this. Jazz hands not necessary.

Is skating like basketball for black people? Something they can just do? It was so cool seeing those dudes flying about doing balletic moves on wheels that had I seen them back in the day, I would have totally engaged in a very meaningful relationship with sex a few times with any one of them.

Unfortunately, I had to leave early for the aforementioned improv show. It was one of the best shows I’ve done in a while. I totally think it was because I was so full of skating joy that it would have been impossible for anything that I did in the next 24 hours to be colored with anything but wonderful.

Have you been skating as an adult? How was it? Are you good at it? Terrible at it? Do you have pictures proving either way? Any other childhood fun things you like to do now? Or are you still a kid and so you’re enjoying these things for the first time? If you are a kid, do your parents know you’re reading this blog? Let us know in the comments!

Want to go to cool events like this? Then make sure to grow your Blanchetourage. Click here to learn how.

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Awkward Conversations

This week, I’ve  had three interesting Oreo-related conversations. One of them really rubbed the wrong way. Transcripts are below. Unless otherwise indicated (or me), all speakers are white…natch. 🙂

Monday – during lunch

OreoExperience: “How was the college tour this weekend?”

Friend: “So, he decided against San Diego State. And I’m so glad! When we went there, there were so many Asians! I mean, who is my son going to hang out with when there’s nothing but Asians in the engineering school?”

I mean, just look how awkward this guy is. I would hate to be stuck in a library -- or on a time jumping island -- with this hottie, er...Asian

Tuesday – at the gym

Friend: “I just talked to Manuel–the guy who cleans the cafe up here–for the first time.”

OreoExperience: “Cool. He seems really nice.”

Friend: “He is. He’s been married for 15 years and he has a son.”

OreoExperience: “Lovely.”

Friend: “Yeah. And I was especially glad to hear that he only had one son. I mean, Mexicans have such big families and he obviously can’t support them working at that job.”

With the right conversation, this is not the only place you'll feel pain after spin class.

Wednesday – outside reception at work

OreoExperience: Thanks for bringing the release forms, I’ll get them to the right person for you.

NewWriter: Thanks, I appreciate it.

OreoExperience: Are you new to LA or have you been here a while?

NewWriter: Just a couple of years. I was doing production before and only recently started writing.

OreoExperience: Cool. Well good luck! It’s a tough business, but it’s pretty awesome.

NewWriter: Yeah. I have this one friend who’s Nigerian. And he told me about how when he goes in for meetings, people really intimidated by him and expect him to be like stereotypically black or something. Like he writes regular comedy, but they expect him to sound like Tyler Perry.

How. Dare. He?? My week was going so well!! 😦

Friend had the decency to not notice that I was also brown (on the outside) and therefore might be thrown off by stories filled with stereotypetastic overtones. She didn’t think for one second that while she was sad that her son would be the “only one” of him at his new school, that I might have little sympathy for that because I have pretty much been the “only one” in every school I’ve ever been to ever. shhh, black! YAY!! My Oreo work has paid off!! Bonus points because the disdain she intimated that she had for minorities reminded why I’m trying to hard to escape my ethnicity in the first place.

She got to dump about annoying things that people of color do; I got to validate my lifestyle choice. Everyone wins!

So thanks, NewWriter, for bursting my Oreo bubble. By attempting to compassionately connect with me about the bummers of racism, you shined a great big ol’ spotlight on my skin color that I have been (ironically) trying to keep in the dark for so long.

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What was the last thing that someone said to you that rubbed you the wrong way–race related or otherwise. Bonus points if it was something from this blog. 🙂 Either way, let us know in the comments!

For more on Tyler Perry perils, click here.

For things people didn’t go ahead and say that I so wish they had, click here.

For conversations people wish TheOreoExperience  understood better, click here.

To see how to get started with your own Oreo lifestyle, click here.

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Africans: The Gray Area of Black V. White

Africa did give us giraffes - my favorite!! So I guess it's not all bad.

As an Oreo, it’s hard to know what to do with Africans. On one hand, they’re black, so spending time with them totally makes you look like an RBP. On the other hand, thanks to massive amounts of colonization, they’re kind of Europeany.

I was having brunch with an African friend (carefully, of course) and came up with this list of tips for hanging out with your friends from The Dark Continent.

1. Use the Proper Greeting. When meeting at the Marina or in Silverlake for brunch, be sure to say hello properly. A handshake may be too formal and a hug suggests a bit too much familiarity. Instead, opt for the double cheek to cheek kiss. This indicates that while you look like two regular black people, you definitely don’t act like them.

2. Sport Boarding School Sweaters. Most of my friends from Africa went to fancy pantsy boarding schools away from their home towns. These institutions fill their students heads with multiple languages and soccer rules of play. Tell your brunch date that it would be fun to swap school stories and sweaters so that both of you arrive in uniform. Normally a school full of of color kids shows up on very special shows like Dateline NBC and in Tyler Perry movies. No one want to go to those schools! But with the two of your preptastic v-necks proudly on display, heads will definitely turn…toward you and not to the exit.

3. If you Must Talk about “Africa,” Do So Like It’s One Big Country. Demonstrating an understanding of the fact that the continent of Africa is bigger than the US, China and Europe combined  and contains extremely distinct ethnic groups as divergent as the Berbers are from the Zulu will make you look really ethno-centric. Awkward! If you must talk about issues related to the origin of the diaspora, don’t make distinctions between Zimbabwe and Zaire, South Africa and Morocco, Congo and Cameroon. Also, don’t use the word “diaspora.”

4. Order Quiche. And maybe a mimosa. And perhaps a tartin of some sort. Definitely no chicken.

5. Refer to the other rules for extra protection:

What do you think? Do Africans count as Oreos? And if there are any Africans in the audience, what are theRBP of Africa like? How do you set yourselves apart?

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Late Night Safety Lesson

I was out last night and had one of those experiences where you think: “Ohhhh, this is why I shouldn’t traipse around places at night by myself without a whistle or gun or something.”

Or maybe my own personal Adjustment Bureau

I was just walking and these four kids with their hats the the back and their baggy pants and swagger and teardrop tattoos and graffiti they were spraying on rocks came walking towards me. I’m pretty athletic, so I thought I could take them in a pinch. But I also thought: “This is why I came on a hike tonight. I did not come to the top of Mount Hollywood to run into people, much less thuggy people. There is a pretty sheer drop off, if they wanted to, I could never be found again.”

Moustache tattoos: Still says "grown up" but in a less murdery way.

Then I thought…wait, why are these kids on a hike? And I imagined their conversation  having gone something like this…

KID 1: Yo, what’re we gon’ do today?

KID2: I don’t know dude, tag that liquor store?

KID3: Sell some fake IDs?

KID4: Uhh, maybe visit some endangered species in their natural habitats and see if there’s anything the collective can do to make the environment a little better for everyone?

KID1: Yo! Who said that? That shit about nature. Special K, was that you?

KID4: Whatever, man.

KID1: Cuz I like the way you think. I just got a new Nalgene bottle and needed a place to use it!

KID2: Dude! Did you got to REI? Man you shoulda brought me, I got a Groupon for that shit!

And then I laughed. Out loud. While I was walking by myself. And wondered that in that moment, with me throwing my head back and grinning at no one, which one of us a third party would rather avoid. I kinda think it’s a tie.

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Why Go White Reason #415 – Better Emails

One of the features on the dating site OkCupid is the regular posting of fairly detailed analyses of their members and their behaviours.

The post I read today largely talked about how white people get the majority of emails on OkCupid (and incidentally, that black users get the fewest). But the truth is that white people get the most message because the overwhelming majority of daters on OkC are white. And if you remove them from the equation, daters actually prefer to message people of their own race.

Clearly they have not asked me my opinion about this.

However, a piece of info at the bottom of the article caught my attention.

They sorted the reading level of the messages sent and found that if you’re white, you get smarter emails!! I want can haz smarter emails! I love smart emails! Use a word I don’t know around me and my clothes pretty much fall off.

They also found that if you’re brown, you get sent dumber emails. And if you’re brown and receive an email from another brown person, your emails are the dumbest of all! But if you’re white or Asian, those same emailers class it up a bit!! What gives?!

And I can attest to the dumb email thing. Here are some gems I’ve gotten recently both on OkC and off.

  • “OW looks great. Oreo or not, I would cuff her.” (I don’t even know what that means…cuff?? I’m assuming he doesn’t mean “arrest.” )
     

  • “Hey, do you like young guys just for fun.” (I suppose it depends on what kind of fun. Shakespeare festival? Vaudeville night [like the one I’m performing in this weekend], kayaking?)

  • “HI YOUR SO PRETTY WUD LUV TO GET WIT U I WERE LOOKING AT YOUR PICS HIT ME WHEN GET A CHANCE WaNNa HoLlA AT U” (wud–, I’m sorry, would he really love to get with me? He doesn’t even know me. How on earth could he even conceive of what a relationship with me would be like at this early stage in the game?)

  • “Sexxxy!!!” (There’s something in the brevity I suppose I can appreciate, but what it has in succinctity, it lacks in substance.”)

    • 

So what does this mean? Are the browns just self-sabotaging themselves? Or is this more proof that it’s just a delight to be white? That you can be a dating master if you’re alabaster? That you’ll totally win if you have fair skin?

Or just that I should now step away from rhymezone.com?

Let us know what you think in the comments!

And since I like to write about dating, here’s some more:

”

Here’s a link to the whole article.

What do you think?

Trying to Get Sassy…winning?? (VIDEO)

As much as I’m glad that I’m not an RBP, I do appreciate some of the ways they use language.

Of course, I must approve the use of verse much like the bard…

…but I also get that being sassy just sounds super cool sometimes. Here’s my trying to sass it up a bit. Let me know what you think!

Do you have an accent? Do you like accents? Tell us about it in the comments!

4 Ways to Grow Your Blanchetourage

The kids get it, too!

Requiste for every Oreo is the appropriate blanchetourage. This friendly group of white people who accompany the Oreo will provide just the right number of naive questions, quiche recipes and invitations to country clubs to keep the Oreo away from other of colors and caught up on the self loathing.

But in this crazy world, making friends can be hard. So how does one grow one’s blanchetourage? Well, it goes a little something like this:

1. Look the part. Make sure that you have shed as many trappings of your ethnicity as possible. This means straightened hair, short, natural fingernails and a booty-minimizing Spanx. If you hang on to an ethnic look, potential blanchetourage members may not know that you’re not an RBP and thus safe to approach.

No.

2. Pick Up a Little From Pick Up Artists. As any guy two beers into his sex quest for the night knows, first impressions are key. You have about two seconds to make your mark think you’re worth talking to. The same goes for your blanchetourage. Just like the wrong pick up line can send a girl running into the arms of the not-so-nice-but-way-more-suave-a-hole on the other side of the bar, saying the wrong thing to a non-color at first blush can stop your blanchetourage quest in its tracks. Here are some lines you may want to use when staring a convo.

  • “Didn’t I meet you at that Neil LaBute tribute showcase last week?”
  • “I’m sorry, I think that’s my dram of Ardberg.”
  • “Gorgeous corset! I would kill for boning like that.”
  • “Pardon my limp. I broke in a new dressage pony this weekend.”
  • “Damn this sunburn!”

3. Arrange a follow-up meeting at the appropriate place. Once you’ve made your connection, you have to solidify it. Do this by setting up a meetup at an Oreo-approved location like your stable, the beach club, the performance bicycle center, a free-diving convention or Bath, England.

4. Show them the goods. Welcome them to the fold with an introduction to the rest of your blanchetourage. Since you can’t rid yourself of every ethnic trait (I’m looking at you, skin color!) they may still always wonder just a little when your hidden RBP (that’s “Regular Black Person” for you newbies!) is going to break loose. By surrounded them with more of them, you’ll help them feel right at home.

What do you think? Cuz seriously, making new friends can be hard. How do you do it? Do you tend to have a big entourage (blanche or otherwise) or just a few close besties. Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)

Oreos A – Z: B is for ….

We all know the basic concept of the Oreo – someone who’s black on the outside, but white on the inside.  What you may not know is that there really are a lot of intricacies involved in becoming, being and living a fulfulling life as an Oreo. The bi-weekly feature, “Oreos A – Z” will help keep you up to date and on your best Oreo behaviour.

B is for British

B is for British
The accent of choice
An Oreo should always have
A posh lilt in their voice

 To highlight the fact that an Oreo does not speak with an Ebonic dialect, it is imperative to use accents that are as different as possible from those used by RBPs. The accents of Britain are a great place to start! A well-versed Oreo will be able to switch into the various types of British accents on a whim.  These include, but are not limited to: Posh, Londoner, NPR, Dublin, Northern Ireland, Standard Scottish, Southern Scottish, Mid Wales, Cumbrian, Geordie, Cockney Slang, Jasper Carrot and Shropshire.

Using the correct British slang is cute, cheeky and delightfully Oreo, innit tho!

Here is a brief tutorial on how to emulate a brilliant bloke!

Check out this post for more on using the correct lingo, stay caught up on the Oreo A – Z basics and enjoy these conversations with WhitePal where The Oreo Experience tries to figure out what the f he’s saying: Blood on the Toaster, wigger, monkeys.

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
And subscribe on youtube! (Check the youtube page for the brand new music video “White (on the inside) Christmas!”
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

3 Reasons I Love Reality TV

The black friend I'm not embarassed to have.

As a professional writer, people are often shocked that I watch as much reality TV as I do. When I come home from work, I’m more interested in checking in with the Real Housewives than I am with the Desperate Housewives and I’d often rather watch Dirty Jobs than watch scripted lawyers or doctors do their jobs (though I’m really warming up to Fairly Legal right now!! And Archer is a new favorite, too!)

And when I started thinking about it, it makes perfect sense! Here’s why:

1. It reminds me of why I’m an Oreo. Let’s be honest, black folks rarely look good on reality TV. From back in the day with angry Kevin on MTV’s first Real World, crazy Omarosa on the premiere season of The Apprentice, anyone on Flavor of STDs Love or the dearth of people of color on higher end reality shows where people are actually showcasing actual talents (apart from Idol, I suppose), reality TV reminds an Oreo why it sucks to be of color and why we must escape it.

2. My brain gets to shut off. Because I often write for my living, it’s hard for me to watch scripted shows without analyzing how they’re doing what they’re doing. I often can’t just wait patiently to find out what crazy hijinks Michael Scott is up to without guessing how they’re going to quietly set up the second act turn.

3. Free education! I actually learn stuff! Here are some of my fave shows and what I tend to glean from them.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – my current dirtiest pleasure. First, it definitely satisfies the Oreo element as the only black person I’ve seen so far is the limo driver. Second, these self-dubbed “alpha women” must be doing something right, right? Apparently, one of those things is eye contact. While I look away several times during an average conversation so as not to appear too aggressive, these ladies go for it and stare directly into the pupils of their conversation partner with no breaks and often without blinking. Maybe that’s how they’ve risen to the ranks they have. What do you think? Is it the botox or a true conversation tactic?

Hell’s Kitchen – First, I love me some Gordon Ramsay. British, handsome, a rogue with a heart of gold! Second, this show has given me new fun Oreo-tastic things to say. Like when I have dinner parties, I have stopped saying that “dinner’s ready.” Instead, I say that “dinner has been plated,” and add in other fun words from the show like like “pancetta,” “creme fraiche” and “donkey*#&(*))(#$&”

Intervention – First, this is a real downer of a show, but can actually teach a lot about effective and efficient communication–something I’m kind of a geek for. Second, this might be the only show that doesn’t fit my first rule for liking reality TV. Because even though this show is about drug addicts who have often turned to lives of crime and poverty to feed their habits–it rarely, if ever, features black people.

How do you feel about reality TV? Fave shows? Hated shows? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

*Shameless Oreo Plug. 1) SmartyPig is a totally cool $-savings tool! I highly recommend it. b) So I have the opportunity to meet with an actor who I love love love in the UK this summer. Trying to make it a successful working holiday and take some other Brit talent out for a pint with the hope of writing for them one day. Should anyone feel inclined to help an Oreo purchase one of those pints, it would be totes appreciated. You can learn more about my trip, and SmartyPig at this link.

Envelopes, Red Carpets and Self-Loathing, Oh My!

Few things bring out the Oreo in me like Hollywood’s award season! Looking out over the crowds, you see who the image makers are, who the folks are who are getting their stories told and getting to tell stories on the regular.

And who are they? Here’s a hint: They’re not RBP. And that’s a big reason why I work so hard not to be one!

Just look at these pictures from Variety, Hollywood’s most influential daily trade.


But…just so we of colors didn’t feel left out, Variety did include this photo on page 1 today:

Yup, just when you thought we had seen the last of the RBP dude in a dress movies, they’re back!

Did you watch the Golden Globes? What did you think? What are your thoughts on the Awards Season? Let us know in the comments!