Author: oreowriter

5 Reasons Men Like Rush Don’t Get this Access to Birth Control Bullsh*t

In the last few weeks, women who would like to have relatively easy access to birth control have been called sluts. Women who’d rather not be raped by their doctors if they need to end a pregnancy have been told that since they had sex once, they really should be okay with just any old thing taking a trip inside their vagina. Women who would like options for preventing pregnancy have told that they only birth control they need is an aspirin between their legs.

And I get it. I mean when women are all blahblahfeelings, blahblahpleasedon’tmakeadifficultproceduremoredifficult, blahblahwhyaren’twelookingoutforthehealthofthenation… It’s annoying, am I right, fellas?

This guy knows what I’m talkin’ about.

And as TV and film have drummed into our heads, listening to a woman talk is like teh worstest thing evah!!

I mean, you’d think that legislators would use a couple of things called “reason” and “logic” to help get good laws through and bad ones out. But, c’mon, they have a lot of things going on, we really can’t expect them to give 210% like that.

But we can’t just chalk up their inability to grasp some basic tenants of health care because they’re busy. So here are 5 reasons that these guys have a hard time understanding what’s so blahblah”important”blah.

1. Men do not have sex with women. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If those men did ever have sex with women, they might say things like “Hey, I want to have options for birth control, too. And I want to make extra sure my partner and I don’t get pregnant since I’m not interested in having a child right now. I hope that women continue to have access to birth control so that I can have a safe and healthy sexual experience with this hot piece of ass who’s on my lap right now.” Since men, or at least the men supporting these legislations, are not saying crazy bananas sentences like, they must not be involved with ladies in the Biblical sense.

The only thing dudes are sleeping with these days are snazzy body pillows!

2. Men do not have daughters or wives. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If they did have daughters or wives, they might find themselves sayings things like, “While I’d rather my young daughter not have sex right now, I understand that she might. Lots of teenagers do and even though I really hope she waits, I want her to be safe if she does. I’d also like for her to be in the habit of protecting her uterus so that once she leaves my house, she can make safe, informed decisions about how not to get pregnant if she doesn’t want to get pregnant.”

If they had daughters or wives, they also might say things like “Holy crap, my daughter and/or wife is in the hospital because of her poly cystic ovarian syndrome. I’m glad that these doctors are helping us get birth control for them so that they don’t have to be in this kind of pain every month, for it makes me sad to see women I care about in pain, especially when that pain is avoidable with something as simple as relatively easy access to prescription birth control.”

Huh, I always thought weddings were more popular. Guess not.

3. Men are not pro-life. I mean, they must not be, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway….This one’s weird because the people who don’t want women to get birth control are also typically people who do not want women to have abortions. But if they really didn’t want women to have abortions, they might say something like “Wow, thank goodness for relatively easy access to birth control. Now, couples can have sex if they want to and significantly reduce the likelihood that they’re going to end up pregnant if they don’t want to be pregnant. And since people have abortions when they don’t want to be pregnant, and since I am pro-life, I am happy that couples can get the protection that they need so that fewer people have to have abortions.”

Loves sweater vests....in part they keep you all warm when you're not getting proper medical care.

4. Men do not want women to be able to go to work. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If they did want women to be able to go to work, they might say something like “Jesus! Your wife was in the hospital because of complications related to her medical condition that could be abated by having access to prescription birth control?? I’m going to make sure that my employees have access to birth control so that I don’t lose chunks of my workforce unnecessarily.”

A sick day's kinda like a spa day, anyway, right? You get to rest and you're surrounded by fluids.

5. Men do not understand how uteri work, and they do not care to be burdened with this information. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If they did understand how uteri and ovaries work, they might say something like “Holy fuck, did Rush fucking Limbaugh just intimate that birth control gets more expensive if you have more sex?!?! That’s fucking bullshit and anyone who believes that should never ever ever reproduce. Thank god for access to birth control!!!!!”

Remember kids: Using insurance to pay for birth control = shameful. Using insurance to pay for your prescription drug addiction...just makes good sense. Oxy isn't cheap, yo!

So, blahblah, thank you for reading. You totally deserve a Klondike!

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What are your thoughts on birth control, the access to it, who should be allowed to provide and/or just doing away with sex so we don’t have to bother our pretty little heads with this ish anymore? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

A Smattering of Things I Probably Shouldn’t Have Been Thinking During Ash Wednesday Mass Today

As I’ve mentioned before, I really do appreciate the ritual involved in going to mass. Even though it’s only 45 minutes or so, reciting the lines from the Book of Common Prayer and hitting the descant in a pretty hymn makes me feel that for a few minutes, I can do something correctly. This feeling is in direct contrast to every other moment of my life when I feel as emotionally sure-footed as a buttered up newborn giraffe trying to navigate its way across a freshly waxed ice skating rink.

ohmygaaaahhhh! I forgot how much I love giraffes!! I want to eat her face!

But as much as I like the stillness that happens under some rocking gothic arches, I can’t shut off my daydreamy brain entirely. And sometimes, somewhere between the Nicene Creed and the exeunt, it wanders. Here are some of the wanderings it took today and what it forced me to think, very nearly aloud:

  • Holy Sh*t there’s parking!!
  • Ohmygoodness, these pews are so adorable! They only seat 3. It’s oddly romantic
  • Oh yeah, I could totally get married in here.
  • Yay! I’m not the only one who was late!
  • Why the f*ck am I thinking about getting married?
  • Is is bad that I thought “f*ck” during Eucharist? I put an asterisk in it.
  • That woman totally just breathed on me.
  • This man has the nicest hands in the world.
  • Wait! Is that ANOTHER black person in here? Serves me right, I didn’t check the memo.
  • Coffee. Please. Coffee.
  • I would have made an awesome altar girl!
  • You know, $1200 to rent a sloth for a day really isn’t that bad.
  • Awww, I like having my face touched. Should I have not worn bangs today?
  • Hmmm, wine at 8:45 a.m. is not so bad…
  • Holy sh*t! I can still get to work before 9!!

Tucked in and among the manic-ness were all the reasons that I was in that adorable pew. I don’t pretend to have even one answer for anything of import. But I know that when I’m there, I feel like I’m a smidge, or in Ash Wednesday’s case, a smudge closer to maybe, maaaaybe figuring something out…even if that something is just how to get through an hour or two with a smattering of silly thoughts instead of a deluge.

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It’s no surprise that an Oreo finds herself in an Anglican congregation. So click here for the rest of that story.

In the event that anyone I go out with in the next 40 days reads this, I’ll refrain from describing my Lenten discipline this year. But click here for some other Oreo-tastic options!

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What are you giving up (or not) this year? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – Comedy Central Betrayal

Dear Diary,

I have been watching TV and movies for a long, long time. And thanks to the mass distribution of shows like these, these, these, these, these, and these, I have been able to recognize the trouble with being an RBP and have spent a lifetime working against my skin’s desire to force me to like rap, be a magical sage with no interests of my own, die first in conflict (good job newest member of the family: season premier of Alcatraz!) and support Tyler Perry (by the by, the TPSD support group meeting for this week has been moved to room 304). I have spent a good chunk of change wiping the ethnicity out of my hair so as few people as possible insist on singing at me whenever Baby’s Got Back comes on (it happens) and I have eschewed spending time with many an eligible non-white bachelor lest someone ever feel they can refer to me as “gurl.”

And the Comedy Central goes and does this.

This week, the network announced that they picked up another season of the sketch comedy show Key and Peele. The show features two black men doing comedy…and not in obese drag!

No, I don't have an Oreo crush on either of these men. Why on earth would you make an assumption like heyguysi'llbeattheequestioncenterthisweekend ifyou'retheretoonobigdeal

DoubleYew. Tee. Eff.

Just look at these sketches! They’re hilarious and don’t rely on trite racial stereotypes to get their points across.

Comedy Central seems to be ignoring decades of programming done by people who clearly  know what they’re doing. If folks of color could actually display a diverse range of talents, make clever social commentary and have a good time while not speaking Ebonics, don’t you think someone would have figured that out by now?

And…fine, let’s just say that the above statement is correct. That you can be an RBP and also be layered, middle class and appreciate Gordon Ramsey…what am I supposed to do now? Enjoy being of color? Stop feeling ashamed every time I stumble past BET? Believe that comments made by presidential hopefuls about how black people just don’t know how to work hard or maintain a family are, what? Misguided/Incorrect/Totally fucking crazy? Sounds like someone’s really asking for a lot!

This country runs on self-loathing and marginalization. That’s why we have advertising and a political system. Just imagine the chaos if more people of color saw themselves “fairly” represented in film and TV. There are entire political structures built around the assumptions that Comedy Central is busy disproving with every high-quality, well-produced, finely performed sketch on that show.

Well, I hope that the network is ready for the inevitable fallout. I’ve got my eye on them. And just so I can totally enjoy a show that accurately portrays what people of color can bring to the table photograph the lightning when it strikes…I’ll be watching.

4 Reasons I Will Always Love

I try not to take it too hard when celebrities pass away. I feel a bit guilty mourning for someone I don’t know. It feels strange to me to bond with people over a tragedy that didn’t actually occur personally to any of us.

I also didn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral, so maybe I just feel guilty about not having mourned properly for something that did actually happen to me. (In my defense, I was still a teenager when she passed away, I wasn’t anywhere near home and from what I heard about the event, my absence probably protected me from many things on many levels.)

But I woke up this morning and realized a couple of things. One, that though most of us don’t know most celebs, the whole point of celebrity is that they in part belong to all of us. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be famous, so maybe it’s okay if I get down about it. Two, that I’m very sad that Whitney Houston is gone.

It’s always tricky for an Oreo, even in difficult times, to show allegiance to certain celebs. That’s why for all of middle school, I had to lie and say that no, I didn’t think Taye Diggs was fuckingsexyasfuck. It was made somewhat easier to deny that charge, because I hadn’t learned the word “fuck” yet.

But Whitney, I realized today, touched my spirit and life in very important ways.

1. She made out with Kevin Costner. I have exclusively been in interracial relationships–this is not news. But there was a long time when I honestly felt like a complete freak for being attracted to the red-headed kid. Shows like Boys Meets World where Black Irish looking Shawn fell in love with Angela (who I’ve been told I look like…which is a lie) helped me feel better. So did The Bodyguard. It looks silly to type it out, but it meant a lot to me at the time. And still does.

(source)

2. She was in a movie where black people were regular. I remember when my mom bought home a VHS (I’m old) of Waiting to Exhale. I was furious and refused to watch. I knew that per society, the kids at my church who told me I wasn’t allowed to like opera or French and the casts of most prime time TV shows, that I was supposed to like the movie because it was black and so was I.

I finally watched the film…and it was pretty good! It’s no Dead Poet’s Society or Chinatown. But for a “chick flick,” it was layered, well-done and still holds up. Whitney was delightful in it and one of my favorite things that she did was not overpower the group when they sing Happy Birthday to another character. It’s a super short, quick moment and in no way integral to the plot, but as a kid I always thought about how intimidating it must have been for all those other actresses to sing with her and how sweet Whitney was to keep her voice close in that scene and give focus where it was due. If she had busted out with a powerful rendition of the song, no one would have faulted her. I still think it’s neat that she didn’t.

(source)

I also think it’s neat that once upon a time, a movie with an exclusively black cast could be regular and Madea didn’t have to have a cameo. I hope to bring such a thing to the screen again soon.

3. She gave me something beautiful to creepily sing at Mike R. at prom. Run to You is gorgeous. So was Mike R. I didn’t always make the best decisions.

4. She reminds me of how but for the grace we’re not all parodied. It was no secret that Whitney had a problem with drugs and a troubled marriage. Comedians, writers, TV and tabloids had their fun with that and many people had a good laugh. It probably seemed relatively harmless at the time.

But as someone who has struggled with eating disorders, anxiety attacks and more than one bout of dangerously dark thoughts; as someone who can be labelled the “survivor” of a couple of unsavory things, I can empathize. I don’t know why I was lucky enough to never stumble upon most controlled substances or why I had the good fortune to not take to the ones I did try. I do know, however, that just because someone else didn’t have that luck doesn’t mean they’re bad, doesn’t mean they’re shameful, doesn’t mean they deserve any of it. Just means they do deserve to be loved the way they let us know they would always love us.

zzzzZZZZZzzzzz

So, per the fact that within 15 minutes of coming home from work Friday, I passed out on top of my bed, fully dressed in work clothes and stayed there, motionless, for the next 15 hours…it would seem that I’m “tired.” I’ve heard of this “tired” before and have mostly managed to avoid too much contact. Not sure what exactly brought on this bout of “tired,” so I looked at my typical evening routine to see if I could cut something out.

But everything I do after work seems really really necessary. I mean, take a look at a typical evening for The Oreo Experience. Really not sure what I could possibly do without.

  • Leave Work
  • Gym: Zumba, Boxing or Step (yes, I am a fiery retiree, why?) depending on what’s avail
  • Feed cats
  • “Cook” dinner
  • While dinner gets a little too cold for yumminess, anxiously decide if I should read the industry-related book Monster, nurture my growing love for Philip K. Dick and read Dr. Bloodmoney or watch The Biggest Loser (will save episode of Intervention for post-dinner wine)
  • Eat cold dinner too quickly
  • Fret over whether or not dinner was big enough to eclipse the workout I just had
  • With self-esteem all nice and low, look at facebook pictures of 1 or 2 ex-boyfriends
  • Do yoga DVD to relax and revive self-worth
  • Look up (again) the name of the studio who makes those yoga DVDs and make a mental note to send an email of support.
  • Remember that I also need to write two thank you notes
  • Decide not to write the thank you notes. Instead, put “write thank you notes” on tomorrow’s to do list
  • Review 1st quarter goals and check against 2012 general goals
  • Go to productivity website to check on that one article
  • Look up other productivity websites to see if they’d be more helpful
  • Look at clock, decide to get in bed in the next 10-15 minutes
  • Clean cat box
  • Wash dishes from dinner
  • Rub sore muscles from work out.
  • Take hot shower
  • Decide to start taking better care of nails.
  • Realize that obvious acts of self love still make me feel tender
  • Watch this Tim Minchin video
  • Stop crying.
  • Look at 1 or 2 more ex boyfriends on facebook
  • Wonder if having 4 facebookable boyfriends makes me a harlot and why I never look up the ex-h
  • Stop crying.
  • Watch this Tim Minchin video
  • Watch Act I or II of PBS’s version of Company.
  • Look up Raul Esparza’s wikipedia page
  • Wonder if I could date a guy who was openly bi sexual and if I couldn’t, if that makes me a bad person
  • Watch this video of sloths
  • Look at tomorrow’s work calendar
  • Set alarm clock for 5:30 a.m.
  • Re-write morning to do list
  • Watch this video of aerial hoop fantasticness
  • Stretch
  • Look up circus arts classes again. Decide not to register tonight, put “register for circus arts classes” on tomorrow’s to do list
  • Lie down
  • Break up cat fighting
  • Read one chapter of The Artist’s Way
  • Make list of things that make me happy
  • Price Troxel helmets and riding habits
  • Watch some puissance videos
  • Stretch
  • Look at ING accounts and re-jigger budgets
  • Wikipedia “jigger” to see if it’s one of those sneaky mean works like “gyp”
  • Put on cuticle oil
  • Lay down on bed with fingers splayed so cuticle oil can dry and watch Modern Family episode
  • Find and graph Modern Family scripts online
  • Google myself to see if finaling in script contest still comes up
  • Check youtube comments
  • Stop crying
  • Set alarm clock for 6:15 a.m.
  • Fill 45-oz bottle with water
  • Rummage around for mouth-guard
  • Drink 3/4 of the water
  • Watch Intervention
  • Bathroom
  • Lay down and put The Core on very quietly
  • Bathroom
  • Switch from The Core to affirmation records
  • Wonder if that conversation meant what I thought it mean
  • Take Melatonin
  • Stretch
  • Bathroom
  • Set alarm clock to 6:45 a.m.
  • Plan and write out rebuttal for that conversation
  • Dig up old emails to dudes to see if communication skills have improved
  • Bathroom
  • Relax with in the bed yoga
  • Think about how awesome it would be to go kayaking on Saturday morning
  • Watch kayaking videos
  • Watch hand-balancing videos
  • Hope that someone asks me to go see Cirque du Soleil or Billy Elliot
  • Chastise self for silly girlie thoughts
  • Remember “Dating Myself” essays
  • Add “pitch ‘Dating Myself” essays” to tomorrow’s to do list
  • Stop cat Bobbie from eating plastic
  • Wake up cat Marilyn because her wake up meow is hilarious
  • Snuggle both kitties
  • Wonder if snuggling kitties or taking Step Class makes me seem more like an old
  • Become embraced by the sound of stereo purring
  • Remember what I really wish I would have said during that convo
  • Wonder if this list would make a worth blog post
  • Find tomorrow’s to do list and add zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzXZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • Wake up at 7:15. Rinse. Repeat.

Seems very reasonable to me.

What’s your evening routine like? Too much? Too little? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

The Help Wins! 6 Reasons I’m Totes Thrilled

I was worried last year. I had pretty much exhausted the canon of movies that remind me how awful it is to be an RBP. I had gone through Tyler Perry’s joints. I had taken copious notes on how people of color were relegated to the tiniest of roles in regular movies. I read up on Lucas’s problems with Red Tails. But Oreos require constant inspiration and I was running low.

And then tonight’s SAG Awards happened. And The Help won Best Picture.

Here are 6 reasons why it’s beyond baller that it did.

1. Keeping the genre alive. Look, there’s only so much room in the canon for “thrillers” or “comedies” or “silent films.” We need to constantly push the envelope. At this time, we have amazing technology that can take us to far away worlds or put a new spin on old techniques…. But both of those things take quite a bit of work and challenge filmmakers as well as audiences. Much better to bask in nostalgia, both in the look and mentality of the films we choose to make and laud.

2.  Wildly inconsistent stakes distract from period horrors. So, the RBP ladies in this movie need Skeeter because it’s too risky for them to speak up for themselves. If they do, they’ll get fired, or worse. So it makes total sense then, that Minnie bakes her own shit into a pie and gives it to a white lady. Because if it’s such a terrifying time that black people can be killed for looking twice at a white person, I’m sure they’ll be perfectly safe by giving their former employers a Hep strain.

Because the film doesn’t make it clear how dangerous a time it was, it lets us know that it probably wasn’t all ~that~ bad in the end. I mean, there was room for shit pie.

How did she even know how to properly season a poop in a pie in the first place?

3. Totally reasonable reason for firing someone turns into abhorrent reason to fire someone and thus makes the fired seem a bit petty at the end of the day. So, in addition to emotionally molesting her friends for their stories that she’s going to publish, Skeeter also spends a great deal of time pestering her mother to tell her what happened to the mammy she grew up with. With a tearful story, her mom finally tells her.

Turns out, Skeeter’s mammy was like 174 years old and couldn’t properly serve meals anymore. Also, during a very important meeting, the mammy’s daughter bursts into the room and interrupts. This is the equivalent of me following my company’s CEO to a business lunch and then sitting down at their table as if our company’s CEO has any idea who I am.

What Skeeter’s mammy did was a perfectly reasonable firing offense. And so, again, it reminds us that things weren’t really all that bad back in the ol’ Jim Crow days, so seriously, what is everyone complaining about??

4. Reminder that it doesn’t matter if you were beaten to shit by the cops and your kids can’t go to college–if your friend gets a book deal, it’s all worth it! One of the maids, Yule May, steals a ring to help pay for her sons to go to college. This is a crime. For the infraction, she’s beaten half to death by a couple of white cops.

The next time we see Yule May, we don’t see her broken bones or bruised face from being the victim of very unreasonable search and seizure. Instead, we see her yukking it up in jail, reading Skeeter’s book. There’s no more mention of her poor sons who now can’t get an education, nor do we see how exactly her bones managed to knit after two grown men used the full force of their physicality on her. This, like with point 3, reminds us that things surely couldn’t have been all too terrible, so why can’t we all just get along now!

5. If something’s shot on celluloid or shown in a theater and doesn’t feature a black woman saying “I love me some fried chicken,” then I don’t think that thing can properly call itself a film.

Here’s some more fun with The Help. This piece wasn’t nominated for Best Short Subject Film, I’ll never know. I’m sure we can all agree that it was a snub!

6. Okay, fine. Viola is pretty amazeballsingly gorgeous. As discussed before, self-loathing makes the Oreo go ’round and I was running low. Now I get to be bummed out not only about being black, but about my complete inability to achieve this kind of statuesqueness.
What do you think? Did The Help deserve the award? Do you want it to get an Oscar, too? What do you think should get the gold this year? Let us know in the comments! 
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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

4 Reasons Newt’s Child Janitor Plan Effing Rawks!!

So misunderstood.

In Monday’s Republican debate, Newt Gingrich was made to defend statements he made about how black people don’t know that they’re supposed to want to work and that to combat this, we should put kids to work as janitors in their schools.

Over the last few weeks, Gingrich has been credited with these gems:

“I’m prepared, if the NAACP invites me, I’ll go to their convention and talk about why the African American community should demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps.”

“New York City pays their janitors an absurd amount of money because of the union. You could take one janitor and hire 30-some kids to work in the school for the price of one janitor, and those 30 kids would be a lot less likely to drop out. They would actually have money in their pocket. They’d learn to show up for work. They could do light janitorial duty. They could work in the cafeteria. They could work in the front office. They could work in the library.”

A bunch of people have been upset by the comments calling them everything from “ignorant” to “racist” to “holy shit it’s 20-fucking-12, is it really still okay to say these things in public and get a standing ovation for them?!?!?”

Those people are clearly pussies.

Child labor is totally great and could help not only our schools, but our society as a whole!  Check it, yo!

1. Firing working janitors and replacing them with children ensures that we as a nation still have someone to kick around and belittle for not having a job. GOP is fueled in part by the knowledge that poor people are spending all their time selfishly and needlessly gaming a system. The right spends a lot of time talking about how people just need to get jobs and not be unemployed. But with the country on the mend, more people are getting jobs. And thus the party needs more gas. By firing people who have jobs, Newt will ensure that the right will still be right–people just need to get jobs!!

2. Taking kids out of the classroom is actually saving them from boring-ass lectures about dull bullshit like English, history or economics. Newt’s imagined working class of kids will be sooooooo lucky!!!! It’s so hard to stay asleep in class when some teacher is going on and on and on about what happened in our country when or how the political system works or how to read. By stopping kids from going to class, Newt will be saving them from hours and hours of drudgery! Bonus points because since those kids missed all those uninteresting classes in high school, they won’t be able to have to endure more of that crap in college!! Suh-weeeet!

3. It is time to breed a new brand of bully, after all. Kids getting picked on for being too tall or being too short or being too fat or being too thin or being too gay or being too  much of a girl or being too smart or being too dumb or being in class on time or getting to class late or having a cool car or not having a cool car or having adoring parents or not having great parents really leaves bullies with too few options. Now, in addition to all of the above, kids can get picked on for smelling like shit all day. And, since high schoolers are always so super awesome to each other, there’s really very little chance of mean kids leaving extra hearty presents in the loo for their classmates to have to deal with.

4. It takes like two minutes to teach cleaning, it takes like forever to teach empathy. Who has that kind of time?!?!? There are all kinds of complex reasons why kids aren’t keen on working their buns off and doing outstandingly in school.  There are governmental policies like California’s Prop 13 that keep massive amounts of funds from being collected for greedy ol’ public schools, there are family issues, undiagnosed learning disabilities, a dearth of computers, books and desks for kids who need them most, horrible state-sponsored lunches that provide no nutritional value, mental health issues that come from dealing with a life of chronic poverty, broken homes, not having heat. But UGH!! Like who wants to understand how those things work together?!?! That would take like a lifetime of understanding, consideration and the daily practice of good, traditional, Christian values. Why should any of us have to become emotionally uncomfortable to learn that kind of skill when we could just teach kids how to put on rubber gloves and line trash cans?

Woah! Do you see how freaking difficult that looks! Also, why isn't that lazy ass kid doing some hard labor instead of getting a g-d handout??

Thanks for looking out for us, Newt! You are truly the people’s champion.

Want more of this deliciousness? Here are Bachmann’s 8 Other Reasons Slavery Was So Super Kickass!

And here’s a study that explains how prison is a better place for black dudes to be anyway!

What’s your favorite way to put more regulation on the poor, the browns, the gays or the womens while telling the country that you’re the party of less regulation? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

[Insert Star Wars Reference Here to Provide Segue into Talking About George Lucas*]

When I was about 10, my parents, in a misguided effort to instill some sort of ethnic pride in me, told me I was related to Booker T. Washington.

That would have been awesome had it not been a total lie. I am not related to Booker T. I am however, related to an actual hero—a fact my parents neglected to mention until we were literally standing in front of a picture in the Smithsonian and my mom more than casually said: “Oh, there’s your Uncle Andrew…Did you wanna get lunch?”

Turns out, my Uncle Andrew was one of the Tuskegee Airmen–the pilots who are the subject of George Lucas’s latest film, Red Tails.

This is his picture…the one that’s in the Smithsonian…no big deal…just the Smithsonian.

This is him. As seen in the Smithsonian. Museum. You know, that big one.

No big deal.

Anyhoo, I had the opportunity to hear Lucas speak about this film months and months ago at work. He’s also been doing the requisite publicity tours lately and I caught his appearance on The Daily Show where he repeated a sentiment he’s been touting since I first heard him talk about Red Tails last year.

Lucas has been talking about how the big studios in Hollywood didn’t want to pay for the production or promotion of this film because it was an all-black action movie and they a) didn’t think it would play and b) didn’t know how to market a blacktion movie like that in the first place.

Not the droids they're looking for.

When I heard him say this, I was shocked!!

I mean, Lucas should have known better. Of course a movie like this is doomed! I mean, sure, it’s got huge, awesome fighting sequences, war, drama, amazing special effects work, a compelling not-yet-over-told story and nostalgia. But it also has black people in it. And as we’ve learned from movies like these, these, these, these, these and these, unless it’s a man in a fat suit, putting black people in movies just doesn’t make sense.

And Hollywood is totally faithful to its pattern of not putting out films with elements that have been proven not to work. Just look at some recent big budget flops.

Mars Needs Moms – In this animated, boy-centric, action flick based on a book of the same name, a chore-phobic kids goes a a planet where there are no women to make sure life doesn’t fall apart due to lack of laundry.

  • Budget v. Box Office: $175 million/$38 million
  • Notes: Think how much worse the movie would have been if when they went to the Uncanny Valley, they came back with a little black kid to play the lead and not a little white one. The title wasn’t “Compton Needs Crack,” after all.

The Green Lantern – Ryan Reynold wears Spandex and saves some segment of humanity.

  • Budget v. Box Office: $325 million/$219 million
  • Notes: Again, at least it wasn’t a black dude…like it is in the comic books. I mean, the Black Green Lantern? You wouldn’t even be able to see that.

What’s Your Number? – Anna Faris believes she has had too much sex.

  • Budget v. Box Office: $20 million v. $6 million
  • Notes: Just think what a travesty this would have been if one of the leads were of color! They wouldn’t even be able to call up a number because their phones would have been cut off.

Conan the Barbarian – I’m sure this movie is about something, but I was distracted by the 14-pack.

  • Budget v. Box Office: $90 million v. $49 million
  • Notes: “Conan the Blackbarian?” I don’t think so. I mean, a Blackbearian sound adorable. But a big black guy running through towns brandishing weapons? Um, I spent way too much money to live in this gated community so I don’t have to see that.

Prince of Persia – Didn’t realize Persia was in the OC.

  • Budget v. Box Office: $200 million v. $90 million
  • Notes: Very similar to the Conan casting problem. Even though Persia is a country populated by brown people, if you give one of ’em a big weapon–even if it is a scimitar–you’re just asking for trouble.

Clearly there are some things that just don’t work in movies. And that’s why there are only a few hundred movies coming out in the next few years that feature things like animation, white kids, motion capture, novel adaptations, superheros, white guys, New York, white gals, over sexed 20-somethings, contrived ticking clocks, singles who are totally oblivious to the fact that the person of their dreams is standing right in front of them, epics, horses, weapons, big CG crowds, Los Angeles and gigantic budgets.

Though all of those elements are consistently present in movies that do terribly, it’s really just good science to run a few more test cases just to be sure.

No need to figure that shiz out for black folks, though. Totally obvious they can’t make a movie work.

For an equally disturbing trend in TV, click here.

Are you related to anyone awesome (apart from your awesome self?). Do you wish you were? Tell us about your family history in the comments!

*Seriously, someone help me out with the Star Wars references. I’ve never seen the movies.

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

F**klection 2012: A Survival Guide – Don’t Worry about the Truth

With Mitt and company surely having some sort of well-coiffed, $10,000 celebration today, it’s time to consider how to get through what has already proven to be an interesting, thoughtful, reasonable, mature election cycle.

Today’s lesson: Eff Truth, brought to you by Ricks Santorum and Perry.

First, a big thank you to Santorum for reminding me why I want so badly to be an Oreo. During a pre-caucus speech in Sioux City, he reminded us just what a burden people of color are with this:

“…I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money; I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money.”

To be fair, he was talking about people who are dependent on Welfare and since 84% of the people using Welfare in Iowa are white, his quote made a lot of sense people decide they were going to vote for him after all.

There are some other niggling issues with Santorum’s recent soundbite. He said that he talked to someone at Iowa’s Department of Public Welfare…which actually doesn’t exist. There is a Department of Human Services, but anyone can forget the exact name of a government office that they’ll be partially responsible for dealing with when they’re elected to government office. Also, the Department–whatever it’s being called this week–isn’t facing any fines for not having enough people on its roster. The state gets less money when it needs less money…and thanks to recent improvements, it’s about to need, and thus get, less money.

And I’m still fascinated by the reaction to Rick Perry’s bizarrely-named and ironically-wardrobed “Strong” ad that came out a few weeks ago. In the piece, Perry said that kids aren’t allowed to celebrate Christmas.

While it IS true that teachers, principals, bosses, mean girls, etc cannot force anyone to adopt the traditions of any particular religion in a publicly-funded institution, if someone wants to ignore the teacher in favor of quietly doing Hail Marys all day or tattoo Christ onto their torso or propose a Secret Santa program, or hang Christmas lights or watch some carolers in a public square or put up a Christmas tree, gather their families and friends around and eat too much and tell stories or go to church on Christmas day or donate presents to charities or send Christmas cards or build snowmen or update their facebook status with Christmas greetings or just enjoy the chance to sleep in for once or leave their Christmas decorations up a bit too long, they were more than welcome to do so.

But look, these “facts” are unimportant details, much like the unimportant details we fudge over all the time. Not quite telling the truth is what gets us through our days and weeks. It allows us to date, to get jobs, have friends and to enjoy free food at weddings.

During those events, no one ever says things like: “look, I’m just moderately nice enough to you long enough for a bj or four, then I’m gonna peace out,” or “What I’m really looking for is a job that allows me to spend most of the day on facebook, but to also have an office,” “God, I wish you’d shut up about your stupid blog and your overzealous stance on political shit, I just want to watch So You Think You Can Dance,” or “yeah…you guys don’t really communicate well and have chosen to never work on your commitment issues…I don’t think this is gonna work out.”

And why should we say stuff like that? It’s awkward and there’s a whole bunch of inconvenient fallout that comes from being honest and plus, Americans like stories!

We spend billions of dollars to watch movies and TV shows where people rarely behave honestly or say things that make sense. I mean, imagine if just one person in a writers room half a century ago would have said something like, “Why doesn’t he just tell those girls he’s double booked and schedule one of their dates for the next night?” Sitcom history would have been changed forever. But no one said that. Because that’s boring.

So sure, soundbites are generally made of batshit and we may or may not be on the road to economic recovery and some might say it’s silly that in 20-fucking-12 we’re still wondering whether or not people should or should not have equal civil rights. But thank God for the insane debates. I mean, what would happen if the politicos and the pundits started being honest with us? We’d have nothing to get all up in arms about and fret over. And think of the example they’d set. It’s like we’d all have to start being honest…with each other. Yikes!!!

What do you think about the ramp up to the election? Whose ring are you throwing your hat into and why? Tell us about it in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Merry Holiday Greetings Seasons New Year!

Growing up, we didn’t have a ton of holiday traditions. There was a  tree and there were gifts and there was food, but nothing that was uniquely us. The only thing that came close was the yearly viewing of “Amahl and the Night Visitors.”

I was maybe 10 or so when my mom first pitched the idea of watching that movie to me. When she said what the plans were for the evening, I heard that we’d be watching something called  “A Mall and the Night Visitors” and wondered what the f was so great about a story about some people who went shopping at night? I mean, kids trapped in a library, sure! (Thank you, Miss Frankweiler!)  But what my mom was suggesting sounded ridiculous.

After she got done being offended by the wildly disgusted look on my face and realized the misunderstanding, she explained to me that AatNV was, in fact, an operetta about a little crippled boy who is visited by the Three Wise Men on their way to find Jesus.

She had me at “operetta.”

And now I’m wondering if “crippled” is a not-okay word to use these days.

Anyhoo, not only is it a fantastic little film, it’s also how I learned to sing opera. So I got two gifts that year. One, a movie to treasure always. And two, the assurance that I would never be burdened with popularity.

Please enjoy this clip from it.

What are your favorite (or least favorite) holiday traditions? Let us know in the comments!

And from me, my ugly sweater and two teddy bears getting it on to all of you: Have an amazing amazing holiday time–whatever you’re celebrating or not celebrating. However 2011 was for you, here’s to 2012 being even better! Thank you so so much for all your readings and commentings. I truly appreciate it and look forward to seeing everyone in the new year!!

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And subscribe on youtube! (Don’t forget to check out the new holiday classic “White (on the inside) Christmas”)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!