mitt romney

Mittens Might be an Oreo!

Granted, he’s not black (lucky!) but per recently leaked footage, it appears as though Mitt Romney might qualify for honorary Oreoship.

Things kinda make more sense now. Welcome to the fold, Romrom. Can I call you Romrom?


Leaked video of Republican nominee Mitt Romney at closed-door fundraisers show him saying that “no matter what” he does, 47 percent of the population is going to vote for Obama because they are “are dependent upon government.” 

The video clips, which were posted by Mother Jones, show Romney telling donors that 47 percent of voters will chose Obama “no matter what” because they are people “who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.”

The core principle of Oreodom is hating the skin you were born in. Oreos revel in our self-loathing. And there’s no way you can communicate this kind of disdain for nearly half the population of the country of your birth and not kinda think you’re the yuck.

Romney’s picture of America is one full of lazy, shiftless people who don’t have jobs and don’t care to. Who don’t work and who just expect someone to give them whatever they want. That’s his version of “American” and he’s got to claim that nationality, too! I imagine his heart hurts just a bit every time he looks at his passport the way mine does whenever I have to fill out census forms.

It must pain him so much when he sends cash to the Caimans, Switzerland and his horse to know that’s he doing something that looks so much like what those embarrassing Americans do. It’s like when I Zumba and I know it looks like I’m shaking what God gave me like an RBP would, but really I’m just trying to add a bit of Paso Doble to a straightforward Cha Cha. But alas, people often can’t tell the difference. And that’s just like Mitt!  There’s a huge difference between what Romney does with his cash and the poor think about doing with the cash they don’t have. Romney isn’t avoiding paying taxes, trying to game a system or using loopholes in his favor. He’s saving his money. Maybe if those jobless baby mamas had done that, they’d be able to cure their own cancer and set their own bones and not come crying with their hands out.

So lazy, amiright!!

And it only gets worse for Romney. Not only does he share the country code of a bunch of asshole losers, he also had to look at their names on pieces of paper and spreadsheets for years—a constant reminder of how many people didn’t have to good sense to be born to millionaires. Sure, he was one of the lucky Americans who managed to escape the curse of his birth, but he shares eye color and body type with so many dicks that I’d be shocked if he didn’t consider some sort of surgery—the way all ethnic Oreos try colored contacts at least once.

When he was busy buying companies, Romney probably had to occasionally stroll through hallways next to people who get paid wages and not salaries. It’s likely that some of their “we’d really like insurance” sweat might have rubbed off on him. No wonder he had to fire so many of them. He needed to get them as far away from his as possible so he didn’t have to risk being associated with being so disgusting. It’s the same reason ethnic Oreos sign up before attending Regattas. We go in shifts so we don’t start clumping together and looking like a gang.

And how did those people who lost their jobs on a dime because Bain came in and ripped it out from under them repay Mitt? By becoming good for nothings who “need help” during “the worst economic climate since the Great Depression.” When really, he was giving them training they would never get on the job or in the colleges they could never afford to attend–the value of a birthright.

Settle down. Look, you were told there wouldn’t be extra credit on this exam at the beginning of life. It’s not his fault you didn’t re-read the syllabus.

With all this guilt by association to deal with, Romrom must hate himself a little bit. Especially since it was clear he didn’t do enough. If he had really been on his game, he would have just shipped the people along with their jobs overseas. Instead, he’s forced to walk around a country where, in the right light or if he gets caught without a suit, he might be mistaken for someone who doesn’t have the means to exploit, evade and enact the will of in God we Trust. Poor guy. I’m sure he won’t make the same mistake twice. Like the time I went out with a hip hoppy guy just because he was white. Sure, he wasn’t an RBP, but it was too close for comfort. Never again. I still have nightmares.

Every now and then, someone turns up to be a surprise Oreo. (I’m looking at you, Tyler Perry!) And it appears Romney’s joining the ranks as well. How should we welcome him?

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Nine Sports That Are Weirder Than Dressage

I’ll be honest. Even with the New England snobbery, the affinity for Brooks Brothers and his disdain for the brown, I’ve yet to find much use for Mitt Romney.

But then he was outed…as a dressage enthusiast!!

Yes, there may be some sticky issues with the fact that he was able to write off upwards of $70,000 on his taxes for his pretty ponies while many of us will never ever make upwards of $70,000 in a whole year, but…but…but… DRESSAGE PONIES! One of the hallmarks of Oreodom and animals which I truly love and adore.

The Atlantic Wire wrote this week that it was Perfectly OK to Make Fun of Ann Romney’s Weird Horse Sport.

Sigh. If you want to ridicule Ann Romney for something animal-related, It’s Perfectly OK to Make Fun of Ann Romney’s Weird Bird Shirt instead.

If you’re saying yourself, “That bird shirt is so not worth $900,” then you clearly don’t know fashion

Dressage, while a very specific exercise that involves using nearly invisible movements of your hands, calves, ankles and thighs to make your horse cycle through a variety of gaits in time to lovely music that you’ve chosen, is definitely not the weirdest of sports. Plus you get to wear an awesome hat.

If you’re saying to yourself, “That hat is so not worth $300,” you clearly hate animals.

There are plenty of sports dumber than dressage. Like these!

Football – wherein a bunch of men are encouraged to be obese so that they can fall down on top of other men top stop them from stopping some other guys from running away with a relatively small object called a ball that is in a completely different shape than every other ball ever.

Hockey – wherein ice skaters make each other bleed.

Golf – wherein they should bring back the old-style breeches because those pants at least make sense while it makes no sense to use a thin stick to try and hit a tiny ball into a hole that you can’t even see.

Basketball – wherein giants make squeaky noises with their feet while sharing ownership of a bright orange ball as they try to put it into a web of netting with the bottom missing. No baskets are involved in the sport. Also, points rack up quickly and very high – suggesting this is too easy of an exercise.

Figure Skating – wherein ice skaters make each other anorexic.

Soccer – wherein extraordinarily attractive bodies pretend to be injured  so they can stop the incessant running and get a moment or two of peace during a game that goes on for hours and hours with the very real possibility of having no points scored–suggesting this is too difficult of an exercise.

Table Tennis – wherein people pretend to play tennis.

MMA – wherein men wear very few clothes and are allowed to beat, punch and kick each other until they nearly die. But are not allowed to beat, punch and kick each other the one area that would ensure a win in the fight and prevent brain damage.

Beach Volleyball – wherein people use competition as an excuse to take off many of their clothes. Show-offs.

Now compare those silly pursuits to the fine art of dressage! In dressage, you and your mount keep time with music. Plus it’s perfectly okay to use the word “mount” to refer to the thing between your legs and no one can say you’re just being gratuitous. You obsess about your extensions are correct and you get to braid your horse’s hair into pretty shapes…

…Wait a minute… Dancing? Extensions?! Cornrows?!? Maybe dressage isn’t the safe haven I thought it was.

Ah well, at least there’s still the hat.

…and the hot.

Do you play any of the ridiculous sports listed above? What do you like about said sort? Let us know in the comments!

Not sure what sport is right for you? Click here to find out!

Team sports are actually a struggle for this Oreo. Find out why here!

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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

F**klection 2012: A Survival Guide – Don’t Worry about the Truth

With Mitt and company surely having some sort of well-coiffed, $10,000 celebration today, it’s time to consider how to get through what has already proven to be an interesting, thoughtful, reasonable, mature election cycle.

Today’s lesson: Eff Truth, brought to you by Ricks Santorum and Perry.

First, a big thank you to Santorum for reminding me why I want so badly to be an Oreo. During a pre-caucus speech in Sioux City, he reminded us just what a burden people of color are with this:

“…I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money; I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money.”

To be fair, he was talking about people who are dependent on Welfare and since 84% of the people using Welfare in Iowa are white, his quote made a lot of sense people decide they were going to vote for him after all.

There are some other niggling issues with Santorum’s recent soundbite. He said that he talked to someone at Iowa’s Department of Public Welfare…which actually doesn’t exist. There is a Department of Human Services, but anyone can forget the exact name of a government office that they’ll be partially responsible for dealing with when they’re elected to government office. Also, the Department–whatever it’s being called this week–isn’t facing any fines for not having enough people on its roster. The state gets less money when it needs less money…and thanks to recent improvements, it’s about to need, and thus get, less money.

And I’m still fascinated by the reaction to Rick Perry’s bizarrely-named and ironically-wardrobed “Strong” ad that came out a few weeks ago. In the piece, Perry said that kids aren’t allowed to celebrate Christmas.

While it IS true that teachers, principals, bosses, mean girls, etc cannot force anyone to adopt the traditions of any particular religion in a publicly-funded institution, if someone wants to ignore the teacher in favor of quietly doing Hail Marys all day or tattoo Christ onto their torso or propose a Secret Santa program, or hang Christmas lights or watch some carolers in a public square or put up a Christmas tree, gather their families and friends around and eat too much and tell stories or go to church on Christmas day or donate presents to charities or send Christmas cards or build snowmen or update their facebook status with Christmas greetings or just enjoy the chance to sleep in for once or leave their Christmas decorations up a bit too long, they were more than welcome to do so.

But look, these “facts” are unimportant details, much like the unimportant details we fudge over all the time. Not quite telling the truth is what gets us through our days and weeks. It allows us to date, to get jobs, have friends and to enjoy free food at weddings.

During those events, no one ever says things like: “look, I’m just moderately nice enough to you long enough for a bj or four, then I’m gonna peace out,” or “What I’m really looking for is a job that allows me to spend most of the day on facebook, but to also have an office,” “God, I wish you’d shut up about your stupid blog and your overzealous stance on political shit, I just want to watch So You Think You Can Dance,” or “yeah…you guys don’t really communicate well and have chosen to never work on your commitment issues…I don’t think this is gonna work out.”

And why should we say stuff like that? It’s awkward and there’s a whole bunch of inconvenient fallout that comes from being honest and plus, Americans like stories!

We spend billions of dollars to watch movies and TV shows where people rarely behave honestly or say things that make sense. I mean, imagine if just one person in a writers room half a century ago would have said something like, “Why doesn’t he just tell those girls he’s double booked and schedule one of their dates for the next night?” Sitcom history would have been changed forever. But no one said that. Because that’s boring.

So sure, soundbites are generally made of batshit and we may or may not be on the road to economic recovery and some might say it’s silly that in 20-fucking-12 we’re still wondering whether or not people should or should not have equal civil rights. But thank God for the insane debates. I mean, what would happen if the politicos and the pundits started being honest with us? We’d have nothing to get all up in arms about and fret over. And think of the example they’d set. It’s like we’d all have to start being honest…with each other. Yikes!!!

What do you think about the ramp up to the election? Whose ring are you throwing your hat into and why? Tell us about it in the comments!


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