The Black Guys I Know

One of the most popular questions I get as an Oreo is;

“You’ve never dated a black guy?”

And then when I ask them if they want to see my piccolo or otherwise try to change the conversation, the next question usually is:

“Piccolo? Is that a euphemism for something?”

And when I say no and smile inside because I think I’ve distracted them, they say:

“But wait. Really? Reallllly? You’ve…never…dated a black guy?”

That’s when I usually try to direct their attention to photos of me at a Renaissance Faire and ask them to help me pick out bodice patterns for next year.

“How is that possible…?”

First of all, I haven’t dated tons of guys who share individual traits with me. I’ve never dated someone from my hometown.

Maybe because I looked like this when I lived there.

Maybe because I looked like this when I lived there.

I’ve never dated another Journalism Major from The University of Texas at Austin. I’ve never dated a guy who was 5’5” who wore a small in women’s blouses. I’ve never dated someone with a birthmark on his shoulder, a bellybutton ring or a hatred for the Oxford comma that rivals mine. I’ve never dated someone who’s the offspring of an engineer and an accountant and I’ve never been in a relationship with an only child.

Second, it’s not like there are all these hordes of black guys who I’m denying access from the top of my ivory tower.

Though if we do build an Ivory tower, can we use this pattern? (source)

Though if we do build an Ivory tower, can we use this pattern?
(source)

Though if you know an ivory tower for sale, hook an Oreo up!

Honestly, apart from my own family members, I don’t even know that many black guys. And the ones I do wouldn’t be viable options even if they could sunburn.

If I were to try date a black guy (#spoileralert, never will, it’s against the rules) these are the only options I could choose from:

  • That quiet kid at work who sat down the hall from me last year – Much too young. I’m not opposed to dating someone my junior, but there’s maybe a 10-12 year age gap here, which—as you can tell by looking at me today—makes him like 12 years old.
  • That one guy at the office I see coming into the same entrance to my building – I think he’s gay.
  • That older guy at work who wears the fun t-shirts – Married
  • That guy who works one floor down from me – Moving to the northwest in a few months. I’m much too needy for that.
  • That guy with the round face and beard – I think he is also gay
  • That guy at swing dancing – We don’t even talk. He Balboas, I don’t Balboa. When we tried to dance once, he was so annoyed that I don’t Balboa that we nearly stopped dancing halfway through the song
  • My hairdresser’s son – He really is 12
  • That priest – He’s already pledged his life to someone else. Way to c-block, JC!

So unless I want to be a homewrecker, a Mrs. Robinson or an RBP, there’s no market for me.

Even when I was dating online, I was never approached by guys of color. All of my friends regularly got pinged by a Jamaal or a Kendrick or a Michael. But not me. It’s like they knew, nay, respected who I was.

…Could have also been the fact that I put that picture of tweenage me on my profile and that I talked a LOT about Renn Fests.

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Who are the black guys you know? Do you want to date them? Let us know in the comments!

Remember that time Dr. Drew couldn’t get over my dating habits? Click here to reminisce.

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For Mor-eo Oreo:
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17 comments

  1. When a brown person dates a white person it is usually seen as the brown person trying to up their own status or temper some form of racial insecurity they may have… it’s all like “look at me, I got a white person to like me so I must be better than other brown people.” I don’t believe this is always true… but it is what folks tend to think. I guess the casual observer would see this article as a diss to black men… But it seems to me that this is about “marketing.” When a person feels that they are too plain in their own surroundings they advertise to folks outside the group that would see such banality as exotic… The average brown person can be seen as a treasure through a stranger’s eyes… I am sure a psychiatrist would have a field day with this article… But I won’t analyze too much. I wouldn’t dare to try to speak for all black men… But I will say that you seem like a nice enough person. Your quirks seem a bit geeky… But black folks are starting to except their inner geek. You need not feel like an outsider when you are more common than you think. Personally I would ask you out but I am allergic to society and you seem to be all about “the outside world” plus you’re only 5.5… I never date women under 5.9 🙂

  2. Loved this!!!!
    I can really relate.
    Gonna take a tour of this site to see what other delights are to be found.

  3. Interesting.

    I gotta know…at what point did you become an Oreo? Based on that photo of you as a kid – I have a feeling it wasn’t since being in the womb. That Jheri curl is screaming RBP! LOL I would date you in a nanosecond.

    1. Haha. The hair was my parents’ idea! Mom started processing my hair when I was a wee. Even if she didn’t let me fully express it, I know my inner Oreo was always there. 🙂

  4. The night before coming across this article my close friends and I had a conversation about dating outside of our race. I am an African-American woman, who has never dated outside of her race. I think dating within your race gives some people a level of comfort and understanding with their partner. For example, if a African- American woman dates an African-American male the male is more likely to understand why she wraps her hair at night, why her hair curls up once it’s wet, or why she is likely to experience racism within your work place. I am not saying men of other races cannot relate to African-American woman, what I am saying is African-American woman date within there own race because it’s less work, or less to explain.

  5. Never dated ANY guy from your hometown. That sounds like the soft bigotry of………. growing up surrounded by boring men.

  6. I actually just started dating black women like 2 years ago I’m 24 now. I had crushes on them, but I couldn’t bring myself to it. Maybe it was because I was intimidated or it could have been I was surrounded by the stereotypical black woman all the time or maybe I was easier. I’ve been identified as an oreo idk why maybe it was because I secretly listened to a lot of rock music or hung out with a lot of white boys. I tend to do the thug thing a lot but I know how to turn it off.

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