labor day

Lighten Up! Getting Rid of those Tanlines

The end of the summer presents Oreos with one of our most frustrating challenges. Three months of backyard BBQs, Renaissance Faires, regattas, derbies, and weekends in the Thousand Islands can leave already darker than ideal skin with an unfortunate tan.

The sun: An Oreo's best frenemy (source)

The sun: An Oreo’s best frenemy
(source)

This reminds us that an Oreo’s relationship with the sun is complicated. On one hand, it’s the enemy. A light tan can make you go from kinda looking like a black person to totally looking like a Black Person before you even realize it.

On the other hand, however, the sun can get you instant acceptance into Club Anglo (21+). Stay outdoors long enough and you can dazzle your friends when they ask you: “Wow! I didn’t think you could sunburn!” Sure, there’s the searing pain, the blisters and the increased risk of melanoma; but if it doesn’t hurt, how do you know it’s working?

But even if you break through to a socializing burn, it’s going to go right back to a tan–that Judas of skin conditions which prevents you from even thinking you can pass your annual paper bag test with just the slightest kiss.

 There is hope, though, fellow Oreos! You can reclaim your slightly less brown skin tone and start to slip less noticeably into your favorite Barneys, Hermes, or hoodie. Just follow the 3 B’s of Beauty ™ for lighter skin and a brighter end of summer.

 

1. Buff

The first thing you need to do is to take off that darker damaged layer of skin with something mildly abrasive. There are many tools and applications you can choose from. Grab yourself an exfoliating body wash, a loofah, Brillo pad, or pack 24-grit sanding sheets and give yourself a rubdown.

 

2. Balm

Next, you’ll want to calm down your skin with something cool and liquid. This is also a time to sneak in some extra abrasion in case you missed any rogue patches during Step 1. Once again, many things can work. In no particular order (except for their effectiveness) try: Aloe, lemon juice, rubbing alcohol, peroxide, or some clorox to cool off and clear your skin.

3. Bandage

Some people have reported blisters or bleeding while their sparkly new skin is coming through. This is perfectly normal. No pain, no gain, right? Besides, you’re the one who let your skin get all dark in the first place, so quit your bitching and put yourself together.

If you find that your skin has opened, just apply some cool compresses, gauze, and either plastic or cloth bandages. These wraps have the added bonus of hiding your skin all together, so at a distance you’ll look as white as the shoes you can’t wear anymore this year.

 

If you find that bleeding doesn’t stop in one business day or you have an erection lasting more than four hours, please consult a physician.

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Any other tricks for removing unsightly tan lines? Let us know in the comments!

Go Cougs!

imagesIt’s Labor Day Weekend and that means it’s time to pack away the vestiges of summer and get ready for fall. The tapered capris are going back in the cedar trunk and out come the argyle cardigans. No more endive and mango appetizers, now it’s baked apples and currants. And the soon to come chilly winds will make it too cold to take out the schooner, so I must find another activity. For that activity, I decided on college football.

While NCAA football may seem like a potentially disastrous choice and very un-Oreo, choosing the right team can catapult your status and lead to even greater acceptance.

Most teams, it goes without saying, are not organizations with which I could associate. Far too many players and fans of color attend sporting events for such events to be safe places for  an Oreo to attend as well.

2647_thumbUnless, of course, you pick the right team. And that is why I am proud to congratulate the Brigham Young University Cougars! The boys in blue pulled out the stops and showed what they were made of when they defeated #3 ranked Oklahoma today AND their team seems to contain almost exclusively players who are as blanched as the whites on their uniforms.

Also, since BYU is a religious school, these kids know a thing or two about wildly disciplined living, the potential for self-loathing and hiding what you need to to fit in.

2648Many players on the BYU team are even married, which means they have taken self-imposed constraints to a whole new level.

So fight on Cougars…for all of us! We’ll see you in Bowl Season.