self loathing

OreoFAIL…or WIN?

Also white on the inside

I did a very un-Oreo thing last night and attended a screening put on by a group of black writers. Yup. Me, in a room with a couple dozen other of colors watching a movie about the Harlem Renaissance.

Yikes.

To my credit, however, I did have this conversation before the film started…

Him: Are you gonna have some of that chicken?

Me: No.

Him: Oh, what are you, a vegan?

Me: No, I just don’t like spicy things…or wings. The wings just aren’t my favorite part of the bird. I am really excited about this gouda, though!

Him: What’s gouda?

BUT, before I cleansed my palate with some imported Dutch cheese, I totally realized…we DO all look alike!

Going into the Writers Guild building, all I knew is that a group of black writers–some of whom I’d met before–was going to be screening this film.

I walked in the building and hung my head in just a bit of shame when the security guard said “Oh, are you here for the screening?”

He showed me to the elevator and I headed up stairs. I got of the lift and looked around for where my event might be. I found a room full of colors who looked familiar enough, I mean there were folks with twists like the last time I met this group…  I walked inside and sat down. They continued their conversation around me…a conversation that I quickly found out was NOT about the screening I was meant to be attending.

After a few awkward beats, I grabbed my new pashmina (thanks, Casey!) and slunk out of the room…found another gaggle of of colors, had the aforementioned chicken/cheese convo and sat down for the film.

On one hand, I felt like such a non-color, I mean, they was a group of RBP. They must have been who I was looking for, right? How was I to know that there might be two groups of RBP gathered for two totally different purposes in the same place without authorities being alerted.

But on the other hand, I felt like a real RBP…after all, I was seen in the vicinity of almost 50 other of colors. And I hardly had time to sound any of my Oreo distress calls. The gouda thing was helpful, but I did just finish rereading Fear of Flying and am setting up an appointment with a new riding instructor. The movie started before I could spit out those gems. Plus, I couldn’t even blush when I realized my mistake in the first room.

What do you think? Was my night made of fail or win?

Also, when you do discover you’re in the wrong meeting…how do you sneak out. I thought about making light of the sitch and skipping away. But instead, I pretended like I had to go to the bathroom…with my wrap…and my purse…and my notebook…and my bottled water.

None of us are perfect. See other Oreofails here: musicvideofail, whatareyouseeingthisweekendfail and evenharvardprofsfailfail.

Get the Loathing Started Young

Gather the kids around the computer, this one’s for them!

Hey kids of color. Wanna worry about you ability to achieve as much as your teachers do? Then check out the ad at this FootAction store!

I’m not sure which is more horrible. The thug with the grill or the girl much too young for boobs wearing a dress that shows off where her boobs will be while some nowhere near-man boy touches where her underboob will develop in about 10 years. Either way, none of those words should be associated with children. My apologies.

Anyone wanna join me in a cleansing round of cricket?

Baby Oreos, Coconuts, Twinkies!

Look at these little guys and girls! They’re so excited to see in this woman what they could be. And if they work very hard, what they will be some days.

Awww, reminds me of me when I was their age.

Thanks, Pampers. For ensuring that Oreodom continues from generation to generation.

See also: Other Food Based Nicknames, Oreo Origins, and Why Self Loathing is Good For You.

Good Steak: rbst- hormone- and minority-free!

Hard work ethic, check.

Solid business plan with proven track record, check.

Popular franchise with more than 400 locations in 16 countries, check.

Getting rid of minority face, check!

This is the story of Charley’s Grilled Subs. As the list above suggests, they’re doing just fine for themselves. So when the company decided to tell its history, it did what any self loather would do: changed the face of the owner from this:

To this guy:

Click on the link to the Charley’s website above and you’ll see that in the history section of the site, they tell the story of Charley’s rise to success though the hazely and rounded eyes of the green shirted gent above.  Nevermind Charley Shin’s actual story, which you can find here.

Charley has obviously seen great success, but now, he’s found the greatest success of all: shedding that exterior and letting the creme of his Twinkieness shine through.

Finally realizing the final part of the American dream, check!

Left, Right and Children – Everyone helps to make more Oreos!

You know how worried I am that in post-racial America, I don’t have to spend nearly $200 a pop to get my hair straight or to not let anyone see me watching Waiting to Exhale on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

But thanks to Bill, Bill and dreamy dreamy Anderson, I know that I am on the right track and that distancing myself from RBP.

Here’s Bill O’Reilly telling a guest he looks like a drug dealer. And Oreo points to the dealer professor for a) going on The O’Reilly factor in the first place b) not being upset and c) adding a terrific punchline

Here’s Bill Maher explaining how the President should handle the oil spill.

And here’s some young Oreos in the making.

(in the spirit of fair and balanced coverage…I did start my career as a reporter, after all…if you click around the CNN page there, there are a handful of varied results…but they’re not all that varied)

Men I Wish Had Been The Milk With My Oreo!

A short list of some interracial lovin’ I would give my squash trophies and my tickets to the Ring cycle to have been a part of. 

1. TJ 

Though variations exist on exactly how Thomas Jefferson came to take Sally Hemings by force loved his slave Sally, their story has been the basis for self loathing for generations and generations. I mean, what is more romantic than giving yourself to your owner because in return for your sexuality he promises to free your children when you die only to have various made for TV miniseries turn that arrangement into pure, unending, Oreo love!

2. Hugh

Hollywood’s cutest British bad boy could have paid to have sex with anyone…but he paid to have sex with a black girl…so it was almost like he paid to have sex with me….and it was very special.

Totally welcome to sample my scones.

 

3. William is the Shat

Legend has it that there were two takes of this famous first televised interracial kiss. One for the north that showed them going at it thusly. And one for the south that was toned down to avoid riots. Allegedly, there was time to shoot only one of each and (young, hot) Billy sabotaged the censored one, so the whole nation got to see Nichelle Nichols choose Shatner over all the other men in the universe.

5. Adrien

One of the best things about winning an Oscar: getting to kiss whoever you want without asking consent. But it is Adrien. And he is…Adrien. Hell, I wouldn’t kick him off the podium.

5. Adam

Dear guys who invented the frozen, glowing wheel on Lost: Can you make me something like that so I can teleoport into Heather Headly’s body. First, she’s named Heather. Awesome Oreo name. Two, she opened the Oreo-tastic show Aida on Broadway in the late 90s. Third, she got to make out with Adam Pascal, like a bunch of times.

For those of you not as up to date on your B’way stories as I am, a few things to note. a) You may best know Adam for originating the role of Roger in RENT. b) Aida is a must see for any Oreo. Here’s why: Aida, a Nubian princess (okay, that part’s a little cliche) shirks her duties to her family to fall in love with Ramades, an Egyptian.

B’way did us a favor by ignoring Geography and making the Nubians black, but the Egyptians white, neverminding that both countries are in Africa. Had they paid attention to their social studies lessons and made Ramades black, Aida would never have become an Oreo role model. Instead, she would have been an RBP falling for an RBP. But now, she gives up her ethnic life to die in a cave with a white guy.

But yeah…a little death might be a fair trade for getting a little Adam.

Anyone else you think should be on the list?

Friday Film Series

So, I was wondering how I was going to cap off my Memorial Day Weekend. I mean, there’s the Oreo usual–a night of contemporary theater, getting my hair straightened, an improv show rehearsal, relaxing by the pool in my 1950s era bathing costume.

But come Tuesday, how am I going to keep the celebration going. Thank you Cinefamily for giving me an answer! They advertised this event (a night showcasing the 100 most important animated Looney Tunes cartoons) with this video. Out of the ostensibly, 100 videos they could have put on their website, they chose one that reminds me why I will work so hard to keep my freshly straightened hair out of the pool this weekend.

Please enjoy the classic (and important) animated short: Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs.

A special prize will seriously go to anyone who can get me a bottle of Cotton Gin!!

House Name Fail = Self loathing win? What do You Think?

Architect says he didn’t know what porch monkey meant.

a) Do you believe him?

b) The fact that a super offensive term is now just used–is that a sign of progress or regression?

To be fair, it is difficult to be up on all the mean memes out there. I, in fact, sang a version of Jingle Bells to my mom once that went like this:

“Jingle Bells, Batman smells, granny got a gun

Pull the trigger shot a _____”

I was 8 or so and had no idea what I was saying…or why Mom started crying.

When did you first learn that something you said was off color…pun definitely intended? Let us know!