All transcriptions of WhitePal conversations accurately reflect actual conversations between me and people who do their best to tolerate having to explain things to me.
INT. OFFICE – THE OREO EXPERIENCE’S DESK – DAY
WHITEPAL, 20s, giggles as she finishes a conversation with TOE.
TOE: Awww, he sounds fun!
WP: Yeah, he’s a cool guy.
TOE: And he’s a real basketball player? Like he’s famous?
WP: Yeah, people know who he is.
TOE: Cool! When are you seeing him again?
WP: He asked if he could see me after the game tonight. I told him I would, but only if he got a Triple Double.
TOE: …. Is that something on In N Out’s secret menu?
Everything's a little better animal style. (source)
****
Still not totally sure what a triple double is, so if someone could enlighten me, that’d be baller! (That use of a basketball-derived slang word’s gotta count for something, right?)
****
And the above is so not the only time I’ve had to reach for an urban dictionary….
Growing up, we didn’t have a ton of holiday traditions. There was a tree and there were gifts and there was food, but nothing that was uniquely us. The only thing that came close was the yearly viewing of “Amahl and the Night Visitors.”
I was maybe 10 or so when my mom first pitched the idea of watching that movie to me. When she said what the plans were for the evening, I heard that we’d be watching something called “A Mall and the Night Visitors” and wondered what the f was so great about a story about some people who went shopping at night? I mean, kids trapped in a library, sure! (Thank you, Miss Frankweiler!) But what my mom was suggesting sounded ridiculous.
After she got done being offended by the wildly disgusted look on my face and realized the misunderstanding, she explained to me that AatNV was, in fact, an operetta about a little crippled boy who is visited by the Three Wise Men on their way to find Jesus.
She had me at “operetta.”
And now I’m wondering if “crippled” is a not-okay word to use these days.
Anyhoo, not only is it a fantastic little film, it’s also how I learned to sing opera. So I got two gifts that year. One, a movie to treasure always. And two, the assurance that I would never be burdened with popularity.
Please enjoy this clip from it.
What are your favorite (or least favorite) holiday traditions? Let us know in the comments!
And from me, my ugly sweater and two teddy bears getting it on to all of you: Have an amazing amazing holiday time–whatever you’re celebrating or not celebrating. However 2011 was for you, here’s to 2012 being even better! Thank you so so much for all your readings and commentings. I truly appreciate it and look forward to seeing everyone in the new year!!
So my video Why I Don’t Date Black Guys hit 100K views this week. And if you haven’t taken a tour around youtube comments in a while, you totally should. The youtube comment section is a very special place.
In honor of my 100K Day, I present this follow-up video….
What do you think? Do people who share genetic traits have an obligation to reproduce with each other? Let us know in the comments! And thanks for watching and reading and helping us get to 100K!
I was at the Magic Castle again yesterday. And per my Oreo habit, I was the only one of me enjoying mesmerizing mentalists, slippery sleights of hand and men displaying brilliant top hats, spats and patter. While I normally just delight in my singularity, I’ve spent a lot of time lately trying to puzzle out why this is the case.
Last Thursday at swing dancing, this weekend at Chinese Foot Massage and the other week at CalTech’s screening of “American Rocketeer,” I thought the same thing. At each event, there may have been one or two other Oreos…not at Chinese Foot Massage, though. I’ve never seen a black person there. And judging by how the Mandarin in the room gets louder and noticeably more full of laughs when they get around to kneading my amply ethnic bum, neither have they.
My life isn’t nearly made of as much awesome as I think it is….
Likelihood: NOT likely! There’s a move in lindy called “The Bandit.” Who doesn’t want to do something called The Bandit! And c’mon, have you seen a horse? They’re amazeballs! Who wouldn’t want to kiss their faces and ride around on them as they prance through something called The Equidome—the EQUIDOME!!
Look at that punim!!! You know you want to squish it.
Or maybe it’s because…
Black people, like ghosts, or…um… vampires or maybe highlanders, are unable to be seen with the naked eye in normal light environments.
Likelihood: Hmmm, more likely. I mean, I like all this stuff and I show up at these events. Self-image issues aside, I am not that special that I’ve figured out something that so many other of colors haven’t.
To be honest, I don't really get the Highlander business. If there can be only one, how do they reproduce?
Mayhaps it is due to the fact that…
We are actually living in a parallel jim crow universe, but I still get let in to cool events because my Oreo efforts have paid off and my assimilation is truly complete.
Likelihood: Maaaaaaybe, I am very very smoove. And I did have a dream that I went into space last night. Maybe it wasn’t a dream at all.
What's that? I'm in the wrong line? Oh, well, you don't mind letting me in anyway, do you? I'll save a spot for you at the yaaa-aacht. club.
Or perchance, we’ll find that…
Due to a complex system of geography, socio-economics, politics, an overly stressed education system and the media, people are still subtly encouraged to or discouraged from doing certain activities based on any number of superficial characteristics including ethnicity, income level, race or creed….
Likelihood: zzzzzz— huh? What? Woah, that one was really boring. I don’t have time to think in layers like that. Plus to be honest, I’m not sure what “creed” is exactly.
What do you think? Do you do things that more people, whatever they look like, should enjoy? Tell us about it in the comments! And the send us an invitation.
Yesterday at Zumba, I ended up chatting with a girl before class. It was her first time and she was excited, but nervous about not being able to keep up. I told her it was super fun and would be totally fine.
I mean, look at it! How can that not be fun!! Oh, because it's in public and people can judge you? Okay, there is that.
I understood her concern. I was, myself, initially worried about taking Zumba. One one hand, it’s a great, fun way to exercise. On the other, it’s dancing and it’s trendy, so the risk is having to do something hip-hoppy is always there. But when the moves lean a little to far toward popping or locking, I feign confusion, pull out something from swing dancing and generally feel much better.
Yesterday, however, something happened that always sends shivvers down my spine. Something that makes me want to run away and hide. Something that brings a quivver to my lip and a tear to my eye. The girl complimented me.
“That was fun!” she said. “And you look great out there, you really know what you’re doing.”
Oh crap.
Like everyone else on the cusps of Gens X and Y, who chose the arts as a profession and whose parents had more than a few unrealized dreams, I am pretty sure that everything I touch turns to poo. Like I”m always wearing the Emperor’s New Clothes. I can’t help it. Thinking of myself in glowing terms feels as off as thinking of myself as a dude. It’s not that I don’t enjoy life and things, I’m just a writer. We’re always kind of melancholy.
Plus, I never know how to respond to compliments. Be in agreement with the person talking to you and you’re an arrogant ass. Blow off what they say and you’re ungrateful and rude. It’s like hugging a tall person. Do you go up around their neck like you’re a child or a baby monkey? Or do you hug them around their waist like you’re their lover.
Or high-fiving?!? Geez! Could there be a more awkward social interaction? I think I’d rather make out with a stranger than high-five them. I mean, in the H5, how hard do you hit, how hard do you receive? How do you know they’re going for a high-five and not just swatting a bug out of the air?
Look at that! It's so vague. That could mean "I'm here," or "Stop!" or "Taxi!" or "Throw it to me." How are you supposed to know??
Pretty much all of those thoughts went through my head after class and my new friend probably wondered why I was staring quite so hard into the middle distance when all she tried to do was be nice to me.
Here’s what I can ascertain is the proper procedure for receiving a compliment. What do you think?
Step 1: Do something to the best of your ability while telling yourself that even though you’re doing it all all wrong, you’re a better person for tackling the intellectual exercise of doing something that makes you want to crap your pants.
Step 2: Try to escape the location as quickly as possible without making eye contact with any person, place or thing. But, when someone inevitably stops you and tells you they enjoyed whatever you internally sobbed your way through…
Step 3: Say “thank you,” but assume that any of the following is more likely than that person meaning whatever they just told you.
An alien has temporarily possessed your body and has abilities far beyond yours. This alien will leave your body soon and people will continue to expect great things of you, that because you are alien-less, you will be unable to perform.
An alien has temporarily possessed the body of your complimentor and has tastes and expectations that are far below the average human. This alien will soon leave your complimentor’s body and that person, because they are alien-less, will forever wonder why the hell you keep chatting to them on facebook.
The person is drunk and high, or otherwise addled and has no idea what they’re saying.
The person is saying something nice because you were so terrifically terrifying that they’re worried that if they don’t say something nice, you’ll kill everyone.
The person meant to be complimenting someone else.
The person IS complimenting someone else, but you are so delusional that you think they’re talking to you.
The person actually only asked you what time it was.
The person actually did mean to compliment you, but you are suddenly stinkier than any person has ever been ever and they regret the moment they came within fifty yards of you.
You are in the middle of a waking dream.
Pretty standard checklist, right?
***
To see more journeys through dance, check out these links…
One of the biggest pieces of inspiration for an Oreo-to-be is film and TV. It’s so motivating to see what a diversity of experiences one can have…if one only had the foresight to not be you know…a brown.
With the summer over, it’s time for Hollywood to pull out a new season of films. Notable about this time of year is that this is where many strong Oscar contenders come from. Which means that these are the movies that filmmakers, young and old alike, will take their cues from. Here’s some of what’s coming up this fall and winter and how they stack up against the Oreo agenda.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star – Nick Swardson does porn (finally!!)
Things White People Get to Do: Be part of a loving family, be content with simple things, be blissfully unaware, be sweet, be naive, be oddly cool, progressive parents, live in a small town, live in a big city, parody Almost Famous, be hot, be regular looking, be super hot with a regular looking boyfriend, be the hero.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be threatening, drive a car.
Contagion – This is why we don’t touch people.
Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, have a family, be an expert, cry convincingly, deliver bad news, be unable to accept bad news, probably be the focal point of a conspiracy, populate towns.
Things Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, provide and clarify exposition.
Main Street – English actors fake Southern accents
Things White People Get to Do: Fake an American accent, come up with a plan, be taken advantage of by the boss, be savvy about the boss, believe a stranger, be troubled, look out for the troubled, work in an office.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: Believe a stranger.
Warrior – Fighting!
Things White People Get to Do: have tattoos, cage fight, announce fights, reconnect with parents, gamble, join the military, lose a home, offer help, make up for lost time, walk around the house in matched undies and undershirt, throw tires around, be an adorable father, kiss the girl, be a war hero, cheer supportability, go head to head.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk through frame, lose a fight
I Don’t Know How She Does It – Whaaa?? A woman has a job and a life???!?!?
Things White People Get to Do: Have a career AND a family and be totes supes adorbs about it.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Straw Dogs – Small Town Life is Murdery
Things White People Get to Do: Watch old movies, be in old movies, be way too aggressive, terrorize innocents, be a cheerleader, have sex, have a nice date, disrespect their partners, sexually harass women, fight back against bullies, go to church, rise to the challenge, wield a tire iron, use boiling water effectively.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Drive – Ryan Gosling is hot. And dangerous. And hot.
Things White People Get to Do: be really good at driving, set up dirty deals, be mobsters, live in a big city, meet guys in elevators, be a stunt person, be a loving single mom, get their hands on more money than they were expecting, kiss the girl, bash someone’s head in, wear freaky masks, slit some throats, be the dad the dad couldn’t be.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be a felon.
Abduction – It’s the Bourne movies, just with a werewolf teen
Things White People Get to Do: Experience an existential crisis, wrestle, host and attend pool parties, have an iPad, discover their past, illegally adopt children, fight like they do in the Bourne movies, be a rogue weapon, be the center of controversy, threaten teenagers, have sweet cars, ride trains,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Dolphin Tale – Well, it’s a less porntastic title than Free Willy
Things White People Get to Do: Find tailless dolphin, believe in the tailless dolphin, provide a parallel storyline by having a badly wounded leg, hug awkwardly
Things Not-White People Get to Do: Be Morgan Effing Freeman, walk past a van
The Double- Richard Gere isn’t who he says he is.
Things White People Get to Do: Murder, be murdered, be powerful, be a smarty pants, throw down a challenge, become obsessed, have a family, be a threat, be level headed, be either a schizo madman or a brilliant strategist.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: swivel in a chair.
Killer Elite -Transporter 11?
Things White People Get to Do: get people “ready for this,” sport that awesome Clive Owen accent, punch, kick, make a chair fly with awesome glute action, get felt up in a pool.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: give advice.
Machine Gun Preacher – White People to the Rescue–Now With Heavy Artillery!!
Things White People Get to Do: have regret, stand in underwear, beg for help, get baptized, have a change of heart, save black people, make amends.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be poor in Africa, be Freedom Fighters, be in a refugee camp, wield machine guns, try to kill the white guy, burn down a village.
Moneyball – He’s not in this movie, but have you seen how thin Jonah Hill is now??
Things White People Get to Do: run a baseball team, kick ass at their first job, change the game, have a family, sport some pretty obvious product placement, scare the intern.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: not be able to read the information on a vending machine, sit behind Brad Pitt, sit next to Jonah Hill.
50/50 – Cancer sucks.
Things White People Get to Do: be a best friend, cope as best they can, diagnose disease, provide therapy, be a supportive family, be a surprisingly cool old man, provide dubious support, go to bars.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a – this is especially exciting because one of the people who was closest to me dealt with this and I, not knowing what to do, ended up acting as the partner giving dubious advice that was meant to be playfully endearing. Glad to know that I definitely wasn’t acting like an RBP. Apparently, I was acting like Seth Rogan.
Dream House -Wait, isn’t this the same schtick in the Richard Gere movie??
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have sex, suspect something is wrong, be creepy townies, be bad neighbors, not know who they are, ride trains, relax in a bath, look like the kids from The Shining.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk through a door.
What’s Your Number? – Okay, I kinda heart Anna Faris even if she did have plastic surgery.
Things White People Get to Do: date, stand in underwear, look for love, be a puppeteer, be delightfully awkward, make deep, personal insights,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: provide advice, be a rocket scientist, be gay, attend a lovely wedding.
Wait?? A silly, floppy comedy is the movie that’s brave enough to risk putting of color ppl in real roles?
Dirty Girl – Southern Gals are Sassy!
Things White People Get to Do: be Southern, feather their hair, promote abstinence, push the envelope, be preggers, assign homework, have a good family, have a bad family, discover family secrets, drop a flour baby on its head, run away, dance with ribbons.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Ides of March – This Just In: Politicians Lie
Things White People Get to Do: fly in private planes, be sure of themselves, recruit promising young people, make a difference, be a good candidate, be a bad candidate, make good deals, make bad deals, demand loyalty, wear suits, get in over their head.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: stand next to George Clooney.
Real Steel -Robots Fight in a Plot That Doesn’t Look Thin at All
Things White People Get to Do: recognize how the fight has changed, make robots, place bets, win some, lose some.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: announce a fight, attend fights.
The Big Year – Men Make a Bucket List Competitive
Things White People Get to Do: have a big house, have a great job, be angsty at family, go skiing, compete with each other, see the world, make up for lost time.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: set up a Jack Black joke, sit in front of Owen Wilson, set up another Jack Black joke.
Father of Invention – You Had Me at “White” Collar Crime
Things White People Get to Do: commit white collar crimes, be embarrassed about their family, expect the best, discover the worst, fall from grace, climb back up again, sing, make coffee, shine a light on other characters, be behind the times, play Rock Band.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: marry a super hot gal while her husband is in prison.
Fireflies in the Garden – I Haven’t Seen a Firefly Since College!
Things White People Get to Do: be abusive, be abused, accidentally kill someone, be EMTs, process the past, write a tell all, have loving catch phrases, do the best with what they have.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Footloose – Are They Gonna Keep that Awkward Dancing By Himself Scene?
Things White People Get to Do: Live in a small town, live in a big town, have a family, be in positions of authority, have attitude, drive cars, make rules, challenge the rules, date, play chicken with school buses, tempt a train.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be one of the guys, play sports, be in the crowd, deliver high fives.
Trespass -Nick Cage Has an Academy Award
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have an amazing house, have a secret vault, stage an elaborate break in, be brutal, lie, cheat, steal, take big risks.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Margin Call – I totally chatted up Zack Quinto during Star Trek. We were basically besties.
Things White People Get to Do: work on Wall Street, get fired, keep working, go over the figures, place blame, dump stocks, go to strip clubs, empathize for the commoners, ride elevators, set into motion events that change America for a good long time.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: sit at a desk in the background.
The Three Musketeers – I’m not sure that tripod weapon existed back then. Or the spiky ball thing.
Things White People Get to Do: Sport dashing period costumes, fence beautifully, be clergy, be commoner, be captivating, create amazing dirigibles,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
In Time -Hey! It’s the Guy From Big Bang Theory!
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be stunning, be rich, be blue collar, make an important trade, owe someone their life–literally, ask people to look inside themselves, lead a revolution.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk behind Cillian Murphy, walk through scene at a party, deliver a line of exposition, sit behind Cillian Murphy, be grateful for a gift.
The Rum Diary – Johnny Depp drinks a lot, is still adorable.
Things White People Get to Do: be a disaster, be a tough boss, be an adorable ex-pat, find creative solutions to problems, find the one white gal on the island, populate a yacht, make innuendo, hallucinate, print papers, be unafraid of death by car, shower.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: populate Puerto Rico, practice voodoo.
Tower Heist – I love you, Ben
Things White People Get to Do: Be the boss of the staff, be the staff, commit financial crimes, come up with a plan to get the bad guy, vocalize the need for a criminal, have asthma, disrespect the little guy.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: recognize racial disparity, be the staff, be locked up for non-savvy crimes, tutor people on how to rob, hit on the other black person in the movie.
A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas – Umm, this movie has two minority leads. There’s no way it can be interesting/marketable/worth the time. Sheesh!
Jack and Jill – Men in Drag are always hilarious
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be rude, come over for dinner, hurt a horse, adopt a kid, have a cat, get hit on by Al Pacino, re-live youth, break the laws of physics on a jet ski.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: work in an office.
Melancholia – The End of The World Set to Soothing Music
Things White People Get to Do: get married, have access to a giant sundial, toast, be grumpy, ride horses, be unsatisfied, balletically prepare for the end of days.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn – Hmm. I thought we were done with these
Things White People Get to Do: show off their trapezius, send a letter, get a letter, morph, get married (aren’t they like 14??), go to Brazil, kiss a lot, expect us to believe that a belly that tiny could hold a baby.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be in a wheelchair
A Dangerous Method – Keira Knightley does a bunch of accents. And her doctor.
Things White People Get to Do: answer questions, ask questions, ride in carriages, dress beautifully, be crazy, try new procedures, hide from sex get laid, have a gorgeous boat, face temptation.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Hugo – The Spirit of Christmas Embodies a Cyborg
Things White People Get to Do: be a sweet dad, be a loved son, have a dog, run from authority, be all mysterious, make friends with a robot, enjoy miracles.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – No one mentions that cheese kanji she has on her ankle. She thinks it says “love.” It doesn’t. Ahh, college.
Things White People Get to Do: investigate, have dinners, live in cold climates, be part of the crowd, grow ill, come to the end of their ropes, keep searching.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
War Horse -You’ll Cry.
Things White People Get to Do: fall in love with nature, defend their homes, run through town, practice excellent riding posture, draw very well, grow up, tell their story.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Whew! I was worried that I was going to see examples of myself in various and interesting situations. But luckily, I’ve been reminded that being of color is just not that interesting. Why else would of color folks be kept out of the canon of one of the most powerful industries going?
I’d say this was no big deal and that I and others might accept my blackness anyway. But the repetition of images (or the omission of images) is pretty much what the entire advertising industry is based on. So I guess a message is definitely getting across.
And thank God for it! I have spent way too much money relaxing my hair for it to be otherwise!
Next on my list of ways to procrastinate instead of just writing the pages that I’m supposed to hand over to people tomorrow (sorry, M and J!) is to make a playlist of songs that I love…but that also make me cry a little bit.
I’ve already exhausted watching episodes of the BBC hit “How Clean is Your House,” making my own bathroom cleanser from scratch, annoying my cats and convincing myself not to go to the Cicada Club tonight (is anyone going to the Cicada Club tonight?). So this iTunes journey seems like the next best thing.
Here’s what I have so far! These are some of the songs that will cause me to show up for 8:30 a.m. production meetings with smudged mascara because I couldn’t just had to listen to them as I pulled into the parking lot at work.
Tom Waits – San Diego Serenade. This song gets five out of five tear stains. Just so lovely and evocative and simply lyriced.
Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah. All of the versions of this song make me just want to slit my wrists they’re so gorgeous. But this one is the first one I heard. That’s not true. The first one I heard was done by a men’s a capella group from an Ivy League College. This is the second one I heard. And it is glorious!
Tim Minchin – If I Didn’t Have You. This is one of my favorite pieces of art ever. It sounds flippant at first, but then is just wow. Poignant and lovely and true. Also, he’s an Ozzie, so he pronounces the word “drama” as “dramer” which is equally as awesome as the song.
This Song from Next to Normal – Maybe. If you haven’t seen this play. See it, but be prepared to develop a drinking problem immediately afterwards. It’s beautiful, but depressing as eff.
Elaborate Lives from Aida. I know, there’s a black person in this video. But she’s dating a white dude, so it’s all good. Also, she’s Heather Headley who is hands down amazing. And she GETS TO KISS ADAM PASCAL. I would probably give every thing that I’ve ever owned or will to re-make this video with Adam. He did touch my shoulder once. I know he thought it was as special as I did. There are 46,000 views of this video. I’m pretty sure that 45,900 are mine .
Part of Your World. Yup. A song about a girl dreaming to be something she’s not. How could that not move this Oreo to tears?
Also, the lyric “…How many wonders can one cavern hold…” Am I the only one who thinks that’s secretly dirty?
—–
What songs make you tear up? Let us know in the comments!
Yesterday was one of those days when I walk into the office and someone says, “Did you… cut? your hair?”
I didn’t cut my hair.
“But it looks…different. What did you do?”
The answer to that question is not simple. Well, technically, it is. The actual answer is “washed it.” But to say that opens up way more questions and I have production reports to print out and copy.
Aww, haven't an allusion to Rob Schneider in forever! Those are still relevant, right?
These questions also present one of the trickiest things about being a dedicated Oreo. No matter how many show-jumping ribbons you’ve won, you are still have to deal with maintaining, and explaining, what’s going on up there.
So I’m devising this FAQ to hand out whenever my hair changes. Feel free to print it out and pin it up on the wall for easy reference. If you are an Oreo yourself, consider these talking points.
Q: So…did you cut your hair?
A: Nope. Oh! Did you see La Traviata this weekend? Just gorgeous!!
Truth be told, I was hoping to see Die Zauberflöte.
Q: Huh. It looks different.
A: It kind of has a mind of its own. And how hot was it Saturday? I could barely enjoy that Farmers’ Market at the Marina. And now my mangoes are totally overripe. It hurts me to squeeze them.
Q: …was that some sort of euphemism?
A: Not at all. I’m just really bummed about how tender my beautiful, gorgeous mangoes are now. I mean, just look at them.
Ah well, when life gives you bad mangoes, grab some vodka and turn that sh*t into a 'tini.
Q: I don’t think that’s appropriate.
A: All right, well, I’m taking them out at lunch if you want to see.
(See what you’ve done? You’ve created a diversion! Congratulations!)
Q: Well, whatever you did to it, your hair looks great.
A: Thank you.
Q: So…what did you do to it?
IF THIS CONVERSATION IS HAPPENING AFTER A RELAXER….
A: I got it done.
Q: Oh… What does that mean?
Here’s where you have a choice. You can either say: “Well, I spent two hours having white goop spread on my scalp to make all those annoying tight little curls go away.” But again, that brings up a lot of technical questions that really take some time to get into and those production reports are not going to print themselves.
A: I just… get it…straightened.
Q: Ohhhh, so your hair isn’t naturally straight?
This is a dumb question. By and large, black people hair is not naturally straight. But it’s one that a lot of people ask. And once it’s asked, the floodgates tend to open. If there’s anyway to stop talking at this point, do it. Fake a seizure, have someone call your cell phone like you’re on an awkward first date, start bleeding.
If you can’t reasonably get out of it, play along. You’re a good Oreo after all and to act embarrassed or self-conscious or irritated that people can’t just leave your hair alone would just make you look all uppity.
A: No, it’s not.
Q: So, if you just grew your hair out, what would happen?
Q: You know, I kind of think those little afros are cute. Have you ever thought about growing one?
A: Oh god, no.
Q: Really because [random celebrity of color] has one and she looks really cute.
A: Oh really? Well, have you thought about making a bow out of blonde extensions and putting that on top of your head?
Like this.
Q: Um.. no, why?
A: Oh, well Gaga did that at some awards show, so… you know
Note: Don’t do this. Oreos are sweet, kind, accommodating people. We do not make points or draw attention to gaps in logic.
Q: Really because [random celebrity of color] has one and she looks really cute.
A: Huh, I can’t picture him/her right now. S/he wasn’t in Terrence Malik’s latest, right?
Q: Uh… no.
IF THE QUESTIONS DO NOT COME AFTER A RELAXER….
Q: So what did you do? It looks… fluffier?
A: Just regular washing. Eventually, my hair just ‘goes back.’
Q: What does that mean?
A: It just starts to get curly again?
Q: Oh, so your hair’s not naturally straight.
And there you have it. Though sometimes, you’ll get a few other questions.
Q: Can I touch it?
A: Eh, I’m really weird about personal space.
Q: But c’mon, we’re making out. And I’m already touching your pretty pretty face. Can’t I touch your hair, gorgeous?
A: Okay, fine.#blush(ifIcould) #swoon
Q: Have you ever thought about extensions?
A: Every day of my life. Black hair is really difficult, time consuming and expensive to manage. You have to either buy specialty oils to keep a natural ‘do looking good. Or you have to spend hundreds of dollars to get your scalp burned off once every 6-8 weeks. Or you have to spend more hundreds of dollars to have someone else’s hair sewn into your scalp. And also you have to answer questions like these on the regular.
NOTE: Do not say that. Just say yes. Or better yet “mais oui!”
Q: How do you wash it?
A: With a very delicate regime of shampoo, conditioner and water.
Q: Did you see that documentary Chris Rock did, Good Hair? That was really interesting.
A: I’m not really a Chris Rock fan.
Q: No? I think he’s so funny! I love his stand up.
A: I mean, I would turn down a ticket, but I’d rather go see Eddie Izzard.
If you don't get the joke on this button, go Google it right now and watch the brilliance that unfolds before you. Don't worry, we'll be here when you get back.
Q: So what–
A: Agh, I hate to cut you off, but I have got to get these production reports done, put these mangoes in the fridge and find someone to frame this dressage certificate.
—–
The one good thing about black hair care is that it’s all pretty painful. Relaxers burn like fire, pressing burns with oil that feels like it’s on fire and extensions are woven so tight you get an instant face lift. It’s a little bit of perfectly reasonable self-punishment to bring absolution like fasting or the Silas belt from The Da Vinci Code.
And as you know, we love awkward situations here at The Oreo Experience. Whether it’s a a fancy engagement party or during a hike to the Hollywood sign, embarrassing moments are awesome. What are some of your best cringe-worthy stories? Let us know in the comments!
And I’m not saying I didn’t trust you to look up that Eddie Izzard bit. Buuuuut, just in case you didn’t. Voila!
The Oreo Experience 