oreo

Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is quitting radio in December after saying the n-word a bunch of times to a caller who was

Talking sense into black people.

black.

Please, oh please, read the transcript here. So worth it.

In the broadcast, a black caller asks if her white husband’s white friends are in the wrong for making racial jokes around her, berating her with stereotypes and sometimes using the n-word.

Here’s are some gems from the conversation.

CALLER: How about the N-word? So, the N-word’s been thrown around —

SCHLESSINGER: Black guys use it all the time. Turn on HBO, listen to a black comic, and all you hear is nigger, nigger, nigger.

CALLER: That isn’t —

SCHLESSINGER: I don’t get it. If anybody without enough melanin says it, it’s a horrible thing; but when black people say it, it’s affectionate. It’s very confusing. Don’t hang up, I want to talk to you some more. Don’t go away.

I’m Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I’ll be right back.

I must say, I was pretty upset when I read this.

This caller is obviously a fantastic Oreo and she’s not embracing it!!!

First, she married a white guy. Kudos to her for trading allegedly smaller manhood size for definitely bigger circles of social acceptance.

Second, the fact that her husband’s friends use this kind of language around her doesn’t prove that they’re jerks…it proves that they’re comfortable around her! I bet they don’t use those words around RBP (aka The Others) because RBP are scary, will get mad and might cut you if you say such a thing.

But an Oreo, knowing that it’s more important to save face than make a point, will keep quiet and let you ask how she washes her relaxed hair.

Why get mad at Dr. Laura? Some of her best friends are black. Really. She talks about it in the transcript.

SCHLESSINGER: No, no, no. I think that’s — well, listen, without giving much thought, a lot of blacks voted for Obama simply ’cause he was half-black. Didn’t matter what he was gonna do in office, it was a black thing. You gotta know that. That’s not a surprise. Not everything that somebody says — we had friends over the other day; we got about 35 people here — the guys who were gonna start playing basketball. I was going to go out and play basketball. My bodyguard and my dear friend is a black man. And I said, “White men can’t jump; I want you on my team.” That was racist? That was funny.

So if anyone knows what’s appropriate in mixed contexts, it’s L.S.

CALLER: I can’t believe someone like you is on the radio spewing out the “nigger” word, and I hope everybody heard it.

SCHLESSINGER: I didn’t spew out the “nigger” word.

CALLER: You said, “Nigger, nigger, nigger.”

SCHLESSINGER: Right, I said that’s what you hear.

CALLER: Everybody heard it.

SCHLESSINGER: Yes, they did.

CALLER: I hope everybody heard it.

SCHLESSINGER: They did, and I’ll say it again —

CALLER: So what makes it OK for you to say the word?

SCHLESSINGER: — nigger, nigger, nigger is what you hear on HB —

CALLER: So what makes it —

SCHLESSINGER: Why don’t you let me finish a sentence?

CALLER: OK.

What do you think? Should she quit? Or keep working to make more Oreos via the airwaves.

Going Solo

Just because they put it on doesn't mean you have to move to it.

As we have discussed, it is important to be the only person of color in the room at any given time or event. Having more than one of us around can lead to all sorts of miscommunication, embarrassing run-ins and tempt either of you to discuss common race-related issues that might trigger a long latent desire to read some Nikki Giovanni.

But sometimes a room is crowded, dark or split-level. So how do you both determine if there are any of colors in the vicinity and relax enough to proudly show off the pictures from Inverness on your iPhone?

Instead of prowling from corner to corner paper bag testing everyone you come into contact with, just look for a few key things to see if you are safe.

1. Other guests never seem to quite finish the sentences: “So…you’re here with…..” or “You must be here to see…….” or “You must know Carol from……..”

2. You are at the Viper Room.

3. The DJ suddenly changes the music from relatively ambient Slowdive and Neutral Milk Hotel and includes a random cameo like Baby Got Back. Then a dance circle forms around you. Don’t panic, after they see your first perfectly precise box step, they’ll get the idea.

4. People ask you oddly practical questions out of the blue like “Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?” “What time does are you closing tonight?” and “Can I give you my coat?”

5. You cannot quite find the words to describe your complete and utter sense of relaxation.

The Black-and-Whites chasing a Black and White

Thanks to the folks at Sociological Images for posting a great story that made all my little Oreo hair stand up in their chemically relaxed folicles.

You can read the whole story here. But here’s the gist.

Two 7-year-old boys took their family’s cars without permission and led police on a chase. One kid is white. The other is an RBP. The videos below show how differently these kids were treated by the media.

The white boy, Preston, is interviewed with his family on the set of the Today show. Knowing his kid is safe, his Dad describes the event as “funny” and tells the audience that if this could happen to a “cotton candy all-American kid like Preston,” then “it could happen to anybody.”

This story contrasts dramatically to the CNN story about Latarian Milton, a black 7-year-old who took his family’s car on a joy ride. I’ll put the video first, but be forewarned, it’s disturbing not only because of the different frame placed on the boys actions, but because of the boy’s embracing of the spoiled identity:

With an absolutely polar introduction of “Not your typical 7-year-old,” this story is filmed on the street. Whereas the Today show screened the chase footage in real time, this one is sped up, making it seem even more extreme.

The non-color kid got a fluff piece on The Today Show and everyone laughed at his little mistake. The police held no grudge and everyone’s fine in the end.

The police who dealt with the RBP kid said that they do “want to get him into the system.”

Obviously, I was upset.

Had this kid just put on an Oreo game face, he could have totally booked the Today show! Imagine how much more fun his story would have been if he had worn a collard shirt and not used the word “hoodrat” or been named “Latarian.”

*OreoWriter rushes off to begin Oreo outreach program*

Interestingly enough, CNN did Oreos a favor by showing us that kids still prefer white dolls/kids to black ones…and then I suppose, the story on the car thief was the answer as to why they do.

Roots

First, let me say that as a good Oreo, I’ve only seen enough of Roots to know I don’t want to see the rest. Slavery, your name is Toby, wahwahbad, I get it.

But this weekend, after a family get together in Vegas, I discovered some interesting tidbits about my roots (other than the fact that I do need another relaxer soon). I learned that I am the niece of a Republican, of the inventor of a computer system that helps guide the F16 and of a champion cross country skier.

Clearly, I come by my Oreodom honestly.

Unfortunately, I did also find out that I am the granddaughter of a session musician for Duke Ellington and that one of my great uncles was a Tuskegee Airman. Two way ethnic occupations. Eh, we can’t all have perfect pedigrees. I’ll just make sure I frame the skier’s photos more prominently.

This is my great Uncle Lt. Andrew D. Marshall (the ethnic one). This picture is in the Smithsonian and was taken after he was shot down over Greece. Even though 'Tuskegee Airman' just screams ethnic...it's still pretty cool.

What fun stuff is hanging from your family tree?

What Chili Wants – To Hurt Me, Apparently

How dare VH1 do this to me?

Oh, Chili, what did I ever do to you?

The network announced a new reality show called “What Chili Wants” featuring Rozonda Thomas, aka, Chilli from TLC. But unlike the network’s usual minstrel show black-themed reality show, Flava of Love, this show will feature Thomas doing not-skeezy/disgusting things and instead, leading a healthy, balanced life.

The cable network synonymous with “Flavor of Love” and its sleazy spin-offs is trading trampiness for fabulousness with a new slate of series starring seemingly well-adjusted rich and famous black Americans. VH1 executive vice president Jeff Olde admits that the shift from oh-no-they-didn’t fare to more mature material is totally intentional.

“We constantly have to evolve and tell our audience different stories,” he says. “I love that we’ve been able to get more diverse with our audience by — in large part — attracting African-American women to the network. We got them in the door with some shows, and now I’m excited about where we’re going and how we’re telling them different kinds of stories.”

For the notoriously trashy VH1, it’s not reality as usual. While cat fights will flare up with the “Basketball Wives” and Chilli promises a tiff with her sassy matchmaker on “What Chilli Wants,” these new shows certainly aren’t selling buzzworthy moments akin to “Flavor of Love” contestants spiting on each other or suddenly defecating on the floor.

Because who doesn’t want to see adults shitting on travertine?

Olde dismisses any past criticisms of “Flavor of Love” and its offspring, mostly produced by 51 Minds Entertainment, by calling the franchise ignited by black rapper Flavor Flav and his multiracial harem “big fun romantic comedies.” (Olde confirms that “I Love Money 3,” featuring murder suspect and suicide victim Ryan Jenkins, as well as the Jenkins-free “I Love Money 4” won’t air.)

Big, fun, romantic comedies? Hmm, I didn’t think that ILM was much like Love, Actually. But maybe I was wrong.

“The new VH1 shows offer a different take on the black reality TV star,” says Imani Perry, a professor at Princeton University’s Center for African American Studies. “These are images of wealthy black families. These shows may potentially be less stereotypic because they present a different, higher status black image.”

And that’s where it gets dicey for Oreos.

Let's face it. I need you, Flav.

Being an Oreo requires constant reminders of what’s wrong with being an RBP. How am I supposed to curse the image in the mirror if major networks stop their usual fare and start showing dreck like Chili’s show?

Also, am I wrong in using context clues to assume that in his first quote, Jeff Olde asserts that VH1 attracted the new viewers of color he mentions with shows like Flava? Is he saying that there’s really no way to get the attention of RBP apart from a 3+ season long parade of important ethnic archetypes like New York having her toes sucked by a thug. I think so. And that’s why I’m an Oreo.

But there is a silver lining:

Bill Graff, an analyst for cable media analysis firm CableU, says the strategy isn’t a surefire winner. While the new shows are targeted to an underserved audience, they require more of an investment from viewers, especially if they don’t care about the personal lives of such B-list celebrities as Chilli and Brandy, or any of those “Basketball Wives.”

“It’s a little bit more of a leap for VH1 viewers than ‘Flavor of Love,’ ‘Rock of Love’ and the other shows,” says Graff. “Anyone who watches VH1 definitely knows and is entertained by Flavor Flav and New York. Anyone who is familiar with hip-hop from the past 25 years knows Pepa from Salt-N-Pepa, but they may not necessarily care about her love life.”

So, the slightly Oreo version of the black reality star might not work? Perfect. Because I have invested a lot of time in my self loathing and I’d hate to see it dashed by changing norms.

CNN Goofs

After a recent segment about a 103-year-old RBP, CNN wrapped the piece by playing the n-word using Coolio song Fantastic Voyage.

The network immediately apologized.

As they should have.

If you’re going to play an RBP off, you have to go whole hog. Don’t wimp out with Coolio. Try a little Soldier Soulja Boy or Luda. The shock from something as gross as Superman or as stupid as Kiss Me Through the Phone or as please-kill-me as My Chick Bad will push us much farther away from the RBP than just one drop of the n-word. (clip below contains it, so if you’re in your cubicle, volume down).

Chris Rocked My World (in a bad way)

So, you know how sometimes you’ll step into a room and someone will be having a conversation that either a) is about you or b) they think will embarrass them, so they stop talking all fast, which is is actually more awkward than just finishing the sentence.

Well, that just happened.

I walked into our break room to throw out the remnants of my chicken parm and one of our supervisors was telling this to an intern.

Supe: “You don’t know Chris Rock, well, he’s a bla—”

And then I appeared.

Supe: “Um…African American comic…and…um….”

I had about 30 seconds left to clear my plate and put my leftovers (dinner) in the fridge, so I just hung out as they got

Yeah, just wasn't ringing a bell. (he does do musical theater and is married to a non color, so he's well on his way to becoming Oreo approved)

deadly silent.

Finally, when I left, they started talking again. Which was silly because there’s no fourth wall on that kitchen, so as soon as I crossed the threshold into the hallway and they went back into their conversation, I could hear them as well as I could if I were standing next to them.

The supe finished describing Chris Rock and the intern continued to not know who he was.

Needless to say, I was embarrassed.

Because I do know who Chris Rock is.

Few things prove your Oreoness more than not recognizing a prominent name of color in casual conversation.

In high school, it was not knowing who Taye Diggs was. Right now, it’s the blank look on my face when someone mentions Wade, Bosh or Drake.

Equally as Oreo-tastic is not realizing that say Miles Davis was black or that Cole Porter wasn”t. Though, now that I know those facts, I’ll have to find some other icons to misinterpret.

Don’t Stalk an RBP, Stalk an Oreo Instead!

Today, Joel Johnson of Gizmodo confessed that he’s started following a “sexy black woman” on Twitter because though minorities are in the majority on the site, he had no friends of color there. So he picked one at random and became fascinated by what he found.

I really wish he had consulted me first.

See, Joel writes about the contradictions he found his Twitter pal and how that was confusing for him.

She’s a Christian, but isn’t afraid of sex. She seems to have some problems trusting men, but she’s not afraid of them, either.

Yikes.

See what happens when you start befriending someone who isn’t trying to fit into a very particular mold? It causes all kinds of questions and confusion. If only had had started with someone like me (twitter.com/oreoexperience). He could have had the benefits of diversity, without the headache of having to embrace someone all that different from him. See, part of being an Oreo is not making waves, not rocking the boat and keeping everyone comfortable. Is he had picked me (twitter.com/oreoexperience), Joel could proudly sport his new (and I’m gonna go ahead and say sexy) Oreo friend and saved his fingers the key strokes it took to ponder what it means to be a layered individual.

Are black Christians more open about their sexuality? Young people? Northern people?

Yes. Yes. On Tuesdays.

There, questions answered. Boxes restructured.

Other than the computer-savvy, here are some other folks who are particularly attracted to Oreos.

And if you’re trying to attract an Oreo, here’s some advice on how to do it.

Who are your favorite folks to follow on Twitter? Are you surprised by them? Have you ever followed someone totally at random? How’d that go for you?

Necessary Risk – LeBron

It goes without saying that as an Oreo, I distance myself as far as possible from anything remotely of color.

I do feel guilty about my growing crush on Isaiah Mustafa, the Old Spice guy. I mean, first of all, he is black, so that’s strike one. Two, he was a football player–sooooo ethnic! And three, his name is like super ethnic. You’ve got “Isaiah” which just screams southern Baptist. And “Mustafa” is straight out of the Africa-based Lion King. *sigh*

I’m seeing someone about the IM issue.

But, sometimes, in order to exist in polite company, an Oreo has to dabble in things ethnic. Usually, you get Oreo points for not knowing anything about anything Kanye West has ever said or not being sure that a sporting event has taken place…unless it’s the All Whites playing.

However, sometimes, an event is so dumb big that you have to say at least something on the topic or you look less Oreo and more way too out of touch. So, thank you LeBron for forcing me to deal with the double ethnic blow of you and basketball.

I mean, look at him. He probably plays basketball, too, right?

Oooh! Do I get some of my points back for thinking that whenever someone said “Dwyane Wade” I didn’t know they were talking about one leg of a power triangle and instead thought they were mispronouncing Dwyane Wayne from A Different World? Sure, it was an ethnic show, but it proves that I’m clearly not up on ethnic culture today.

Oh, and here’s LeBron.

And Isaiah…call me.

(Video is mildly NSFW for language…and also NSFO for ethnicity)

What do you think of King James? His move? A Different World?

Former ‘Black’ Sport Now Oreo Haven

There was a time when the lauded black athlete was skinny, short, jaunty and not nearly as scary as a basketball player with a grip of guns in a locker room. There was a time when the worst a blacklete could do to you was kick you in the shins and not kill you then make a terrifying reality show post acquittal. When the abused animals in their care weighed 1500 racing pounds instead of 80 fighting ones.

I’m talking about black jockeys.

Between about 1865 and 1900, of color riders dominated the sport. Going to see a race was like watching the NBA finals and black jockeys set impressive records.

Luckily, their legacy was preserved and distilled into a piece of sculpture that you can still sometimes find today. The lawn jockey.

While many lawn jockeys are now painted white, the history of the statue remains in tact.

This makes equestrian events a perfect choice for Oreos. Not only are few to no black riders of note on the circuit, but putting that jaunty outfit will give you the perfect chance to make an on-color joke and assuage the minds of those around you. Because if you can’t laugh at history, what can you do with it?

Looking for other jobs that are good for Oreos? How about shilling for classic American institutions!

See how The Oreo Experience responds to other animals.

Check out how horses can help you hook up with an Oreo.