So I went karaokeing last week and really did try to sing something normal…but then defaulted to showtunes, natch. Off my friends’ requests I have tried to get some regular songs in my repetoir…but they’re confusing. Like is “What’s My Name?” (Rhianna ft. Drake) as misogynistic as I first thought it was, or is it a sneaky feminist rant that Erica Jong would be proud of?
Lemme know what you think!
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
The next five days are dangerous ones for Oreos. Today is the second day of Kwanzaa and the “holiday” doesn’t end until Jan. 1.
Kwanzaa, or “a celebration of family, community and culture” (according to its website), began long ago was invented in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga (who lives in Chatsworth, CA, btw). The day is meant to celebrate (according to the website) the “best of being African and human). And to be fair, Ngoza Saba–or seven principles of Kwanzaa are actually not that bad. Who couldn’t use a little unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, collective economics, purpose, creativity and faith?
But look at it. It’s obviously suuuuuuper black and makes people as uncomfortable as they are when they realize that Christmas carols are really on the nose and don’t mince words about that whole Jesus Christ business.
So a good Oreo must take care to avoid any semblance of having any ties to the holiday. Here are some ways to make sure your end of year is Oreo-tastic and Kwanzaa free!
1. Always have at least a small blanchetourage in tow. This goes without saying as Oreos are always in the company of their white friends. But during Kwanzaa, it is doubly important to be flanked by some non-colors so that no one accidentally offers you a slice of benne cake or dollop of okra.
2. Avoid wearing red, green and black and/or any combination thereof. These three colors are the ones used in the kinara — the Kwanzaa menorah. Decorating your space or person with these colors is just asking for trouble. As is wearing clothes with complicated patterns that might be mistaken for African clothing. Instead, try some nice pastels or the colors from your yacht club’s crest or your family’s tartan.
3. Replace tapered candles with tea candles. The kinara is traditionally filled with long, tapered candles. Regardless of color, take the ones from your centerpieces out and replace them with smaller, less suspicious candles.
4. Keep real menorahs on display. This may seem contrary to the advice above, but it will give you a great opportunity to see if your other Oreo efforts are working. If they are working, guests will immediately recognize the candles correctly. If not, they may ask you if you are celebrating Kwanzaa. While this will sting, it will also remind you to keep that black in check.
5. Should the worst happen, confront it with a smile. If someone does stop you on the street and wish you a good Kwanzaa, do not lash out at them or cry. That will be confusing. Instead, say something like, “Oh, is it Kwanzaa, I just got back from wintering in Banff and I had no idea.” They’ll get the point.
Finally, should someone give you a Kwanzaa gift, do keep it. It’s rude to refuse. You can always return it for a nice table wine or Criterion Collection version of Gone With The Wind.
For more ways to get out of tricky situations, check out this post on eating chicken, this one on saying the n-word, or this one on how to save face when you’re face to face with another Oreo.
What are some holiday traditions–either celebrated en masse or by your own family that you love/can’t stand? Let us know in the comments!
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I love how exercise makes you love and hate yourself simultaneously. On one hand--yay physical activity. On the other--boo, I need more physical activity!
Gym activities can be trick territory for an Oreo. On one hand, RBP are pretty athletic–I’ve seen sports games!
On the other hand, there are a few classes available at most gyms where an Oreo can be in safe company: Belly dancing, gymnastics, hot yoga, Tough Mudder training and spin classes to name a few.
I was in spin class last night and having a great time cycling to Pink, MCR, Daft Punk and a little Blue Man Group.
And then they started the uphills.
For those unfamiliar with spin classes, here’s how it goes. You strap your feet into a stationary bike that has an evil crank on the low bar part. Depending on which direction you crank the crank, you will either add resistance or take it away. The instructor leads you through a routine designed to mimic different types of bike riding environments. Less resistance and lots of RMPs and you’re speeding along a highway. More resistance and fewer RPMs and you’re headed up a mountain.
And that’s where things got wonky.
At one point during that uphill, I had so much resistance on that I had to move my body to get the pedals to go. Suddenly, I my upper body was bouncing in time to a rhythm. My shoulders were dipping in a really hip hoppy sort of way. My torso was twisting with each bounce and it looked like a dip and step. And with the way I had to whip my head back and forth to distract myself from the burning in my quads, I might as well have been an extra in a Rhianna video. 😦 *sigh*
Luckily, I’m headed out to get my box step on at Lindy Groove (an LA swing dance club/event) tonight!
And this isn’t the first revelation I’ve had during spin class. Check out this post to see what else goes through my head on that bike. Or this post to see why the wrong dance moves can be disastrous. Or this post to see what happened the time I actually tried to dance.
I’m also seriously considering doing an endurance race next year. Tough Mudder might be a bit too tough–they run through a field of live wires–but I’d like to try something. What do you think? If you’ve done one, tell us what it’s like! What is the most interesting physical thing you’ve endured? Let us know in the comments!
***
Don't eff with Thor. You don't want to see him angry!
As we’ve pointed out here, movie, if anything, are totally true to life. So it stands to reason that the Council of Conservative Citizens has their white sheet undies all in a bunch because Hollywood has done the unthinkable! Nope, it’s not that they’ve made the Yogi Bear movie or Little Fockers. It’s worse. They’ve made Heimdall black.
Everyone knows Heimdall, right? He’s the Norse god who can hear grass growing and leaves falling. The one who will sound the Gjallarhorn, alerting the æsir to the onset of Ragnarök where the world ends and is reborn. Oh, and he’s also called “the white god.” And he’s being played by blacktor Idris Elba.
Said the CoCC:
“It [is] well known that Marvel is a company that advocates for leftwing ideologies and causes,” the site reads. “Marvel frontman Stan ‘Lee’ Lieber boasts of being a major financier of leftwing political candidates. Marvel has viciously attacked the Tea Party movement, conservatives and European heritage.
“Now they have taken it one further, casting a black man as a Norse deity in their new movie Thor. Marvel has now inserted social engineering into European mythology.”
On one hand, as an Oreo, I’m totes jealous that Idris Elba is cast to play “the white god”! What an Oreo coup! I’ve sung “Popular” from Wicked at karaoke for years and have yet to land a role for a blonde.
On the other hand, as an Oreo, I’m totes bothered. If directors like Kenneth Branagh continue to fly in the face of reality and give roles to of color actors that allow them to speak in lofty poetry instead of rap and live in the sky instead of the hood…what does that mean for the Oreo? If Hollywood just starts giving parts out willy nilly to talented actors without first vetting them based on race, how will the Oreo know what to avoid to not seem so, you know, black?
And the CoCC has some good points. (If you want a real fun afternoon, btw, check out their website!) Heimdall clearly wasn’t mean to be black. He’s a Norse god, hello! So it’s good that apart from Elba, all the other actors are ethnically correct. Like the Celtic New Zealander Chris Hemsworth who plays Thor, or the Welsh Anthony Hopkins who plays Odin, the Irish Ray Stevenson who plays Volstagg.
Yup, all Norse– wait, what?
It’s a relief to note, btw, the other true-to-life elements of Thor remain in tact. Like how Thor’s hammer flies from nowhere to his hands whenever he clicks his fingers. So it stands to reason why the CoCC was so upset…the movie was so close. So. Very. Close.
Obviously, the CoCC has a lot of boycotting to do! Here’s their email form if you’d like to get in touch with them to show your support. If you do…let me know what they say.
Though I came by my Oreo-ness honestly (what choice did I have when my mom was an accountant, Dad was a chemical engineer and they listened to more NPR than Nat
Being brown's tough, but he makes the most of it.
King Cole), my decision to set aside ethnicity was solidified when I started watching movies and TV. On screen, the non-colors looked like they led such more intersting lives than of colors!
And movies today don’t let me down! Even from the trailers, you can totes tell how much more exciting it is when you can shed your melanin!
How Do You Know – Reese Witherspoon can’t figure out what she wan–My GOD, Paul Rudd is handsome
Tron: Legacy – Man Finds Himself Through Video Games
I suppose it makes sense. This is a movie about a guy who goes inside of a video game. They’re already asking us to suspend our disbelief pretty heavily. Let’s not muddy it up by having of colors inside that video game. It’s make believe, not complete crazytown.
Yogi Bear – Hmm, didn’t realize there was a market for this film.
Wow! Even a talking bear with an eating disorder and boundary issues has more fun than of colors. It’s clear which life I’d rather have. Here’s to resolving to be an even better Oreo next year!
******
The evening started off so well! An exclusive invitation to a private party in the Beverly Hills, a private valet company, a shuttle ride up to the front door because the driveway was just that long, open bar, truffle oil…an Oreo’s dream! I didn’t check the list, but I was pretty sure I would be the only or one of just a few of colors there.
Just getting in the door without wearing the catering company’s uniform was probably proof enough of my Oreo-ness, but in a discussion about pets wearing clothes, I dropped a few lines about how my horse was very upset to be costumed as a bee for Halloween just for good measure.
Half an hour in and I hadn’t seen another person of color, so I knew I was in good company…
…and then we were sat at our tables.
It was all place-card seating like at a wedding. I saw my name calligraphied on a card and walked toward it and saw a chilling sight.
Four other of colors walking toward the same table. And not to bus the plates or refill the water.
As we all sat down, I looked around the room.
Apparently, I was sat at the black table.
Another black table.
There were two other black people at the party and they were sat at tables where they were the only ones. But here was I, surrounded by of colors. Didn’t they know who I was?? I was told that we were sat at tables where we would likely have things in common with the other people. What, I wonder, might the five of us be expected to connect over?
To reclaim my standing as a good self-loathing Oreo, I made mention of how much I admired a painting on the other side of the room. It was a cheerful, brightly colored depiction of black people picking cotton. Saying that I liked this piece made it pretty clear that I wasn’t a regular black person as an RBP might ask the question of WTF was going through that rich white woman’s mind when she decided that she needed to buy a cartoon of slaves and hang it in her dining room.
But before I could form that question, I was distracted by the painting that hung on the wall just beside me–over the black table.
It was a painting of a watermelon slice.
Sigh. Sometimes even the best Oreo is lost for words.
And I should have known…I’ve gotten in trouble for not checking the roster before. I’ve also been duped by fancy parties before. Hmm, things to do for the new year—create Oreo Party Survival Guide…or maybe just get comfortable in my own skin…nah, we’ll go with the survival guide!
Luckily, there was enough fois gras and Scandinavian holiday pictures to share to distract me until it was time to take the shuttle back down to my car where I reflected not on how oddly placed the pictures were…but more on how being rich looks really effing awesome. A sidewalk to front door shuttle? Really? C’mon!
I can almost see their house from here!
What kind of party would you throw with unlimited funds? Do you have any art at home that might be suspect? Let us know in the comments.
Hey look, it’s me throwing a Christmas party!…just in case you haven’t had the chance to see it yet. 😉
******
The rope is there for a reason.
Because in a group, black people are scary!
Look, Ivy League alum who are upset that your were turned away from a club even though you weren’t doing anything wrong, we’ve been over this. One of us in a crowd is delightful, maybe even amusing. We provide the image of diversity in a neighborhood with declining property values.
But standing in line…outdoors…where people can see you…that’s just threatening. Even if you are a bunch of Harvard and Yale law students. Yes, the argyle and the discussion of this year’s lacrosse teams is a start, but you have to look at the whole picture.
Here’s what happened: A group of of-color Ivy Leaguers with a phenomenally strict guest list were waiting on line to get into a new club.
The owners of the club, seeing the line, believed it to be attracting “local gang bangers” and shut the party down. Or maybe they just thought the line would attract local gang bangers, because according to one of the event’s organizers, the club management said both.
In a letter to the party-attendees, one of the organizers explained his mistake:
At approximately 10:30PM club management called the owner to say that they saw individuals on line whom they recognized as “local gang bangers” (their words not mine). In response to this, the club owner directed the bouncers to only let individuals with a Harvard or Yale ID in to the club. At this point Kwame and I argued that no alumnus would have his or her expired college ID with them and reiterated that the reason we did the party on a pre-sold basis with strict admittance based solely on the guest list was to guarantee that the only attendees were Harvard and Yale alumni, grad students and their close friends and to ensure that no “bad seeds” could contaminate our party. However, given that this was the club’s opening weekend, the owner was particularly sensitive to anything going wrong.
At approximately 10:45, after we won the argument concerning the amazing quality of our crowd and the strictness of our guest list, management began letting people in but then became worried that as our crowd waited in line it could attract the attention of “local gang bangers” passing by who would try to gain entrance to our party. Furthermore, they feared that if these individuals were turned away for not being on the guest list they could hypothetically cause problems with the bouncers outside of the club and draw negative attention to the establishment. Despite the fact that our Friday night party went off without a hitch and had no problems when we turned people away from the door for not being on our list, management decided to shut the party down as to avoid the hypothetical chance of attracting the “wrong crowd” (again their words not mine). In spite of our attempts to reason with them, we were left in a position where despite agreeing with our logic, the decision had been made and we were left powerless
When JJ Abram’s hour-long drama, “Sexy Sexy Black People” Undercovers showed up in the TV listings, I was super worried. A show with Oreo-esque leads might lead to other TV shows to feature layered characters of color and then how would I stand out??
But my fears were allayed with NBC announced they were canceling it.
Writing for The Root, Marcus Vanderberg mentions that Undercovers had a lot of challenges–including untested acting talent, weak scripts and a poor time slot.
Another problem:
Black viewers, who many might have guessed would rally behind the show, never embraced it. Undercovers only cracked the top 10 on Target Market News‘ list of the top 25 broadcast shows in black households twice, and that was during its first two weeks on air. On Nov. 4, the night before the show was officially canceled, Undercovers finished 16th in black households behind Hawaii Five-0 and The Mentalist, both of which lack black lead characters.
Black people didn’t want to watch a show with untested acting talent, weak scripts and a poor time slot. So now, networks are feeling skittish again about casting leads of color in a show.
The fact that black leads are such a gamble on network TV these days highlights the noticeable shift in programming during the last 25 years….
…The UPN and the WB, which is now the CW Network, copied the Fox blueprint (think Girlfriends) before they all abandoned most of their black programming in order to appeal to a more mainstream audience. And now it seems as if all the inroads of the past few decades have been for nothing…
I took a look at other shows that have been canceled or threatened with cancellation this year and noticed a disturbing trend:
18 To Life: Kids Get Married on a Dare
100 Questions: A girl and her friends navigate life in NYC - canceled after 6 eps
As The World Turns: Stodgy Soaps Suddenly Seems Sexy
Man with huge hands gives advice - canceled after 2 eps
The Bridge: Cop does cop things.- canceled after 3 eps
Gravity: Suicide survivors make jokes - canceled after 10 eps
Huge: Nikki Blonsky goes to camp
Lone Star: A con man has a conscious...and also a lot of sex. - canceled after 2 eps.
My Generation: Angst and agnst with a dollop of angst. - canceled after 2 eps
Outlaw: Jimmy Smits knows justice; but not TV audiences - canceled after four eps.
Notice anything about most of the people in these shows?
They’re actors! Apparently, actor-led TV shows have a really hard time sticking. I hope the networks don’t feel skittish about gambling on having actors in their shows after this disappointing season.
Crossing my fingers for you, actors. You’ll figure it out.
And if you do wanna see some of colors leading a show…there’s always the still-climbing-in-the-ratings Real Housewives of Atlanta where next week, Phaedra and Apollo will have a baby…or won’t they???
FACT: The music video “White (on the inside) Christmas” will not be the first time that director Geoffrey Plitt and I have worked together. It also won’t be the first time he reminded me why I love being an Oreo so much!
Here’s the story!
The social cred that comes with being an Oreo doesn’t stop at things like making people feel comfortable enough to casually use racial epithets in conversation or not having to show your ticket to get back into a crowded improv theater. Sometimes, you get really cool opportunities!
When my Geoff needed someone to play Michelle Obama in an hilarious short musical, he thought long and hard to find someone who was experienced, talented, could take direction, cared for the cause…and who was black.
And thanks to the limited number of of colors in independent comedy viral videos, he found me!
Check out me playing the first lady here!
Very excited to work with Geoff again on White (on the inside) Christmas!!
A big thank you to everyone who’s joined the team through our Kickstarter campaign. You guys have made it incredibly successful and we really really appreciate it!
There’s just a couple of days left to sign up. And remember, joining the team by pledging any amount gets you cool perks like the password to protected blog posts where production videos and Oreo secrets will be revealed! Click here to see our Kickstarter page with more video updates, comments from other backers and more info about the video shoot including song excerpts and storyboards!
And coming up soon! New posts and videos about some questionable fashion choices, why the confusingly named Juan Williams is an Oreo icon and news on a chance to see The Oreo Experience on stage in LA.
Embrace it! Awkward moments are good for you!
I was taking a turn about the Equestrian Center after riding today when I had an experience that definitely made me take stock in my Oreodom.
I was nearly of the gate and back to my car when an older man rode up to me in his golf cart and asked what I was doing there.
To be fair, there was a competition going on so most of the people there were in formal riding gear, though I had hoped my jodhpurs would have helped me blend in a bit.
I told him I was just there to watch, he informed me that he was the show vet and we started a lovely conversation about big animal care, James Harriet and our favorite places in Ireland and West Hollywood. Then, my new friend said this to me:
“There’s another colored gal who has a horse up here…do you know her?”
Now, while I’m sure the gal was at the last meeting, I didn’t know who he was talking about and I told him so.
At first, I forgot my Oreoness and was a little put off by having been called colored. But then, my Oreo senses kicked in and I decided to chart it out and see how I should feel…
CON: Even with the jodhpurs and tightly-pinned bun, he still noticed I was black.
PRO: Though he noticed I was black, he still talked freely to me, suggesting that he didn’t think I was angry RBP.
CON: He made the small circle of people around us uncomfortable, as they all did quick side glances at me to see how I would react.
PRO: My Oreo-sense allowed me to put everyone else at ease by responding sweetly and without malice to his thoughtful inquiry.
CON: Getting away with saying it once made him say it again and more when he added: “Oh yeah, and there’s this other colored fellow who owns a couple of horses down the way. I mean, I think he’s a black guy, he’s really, you know, dark like you are.” Equal amounts of uncomfyness followed.
PRO: Each time he said an adjective that described the hue of my skin, it made my back stiffen straighter and straighter–which made my my posture much better for my next riding lesson.
Antiquated terms, FTW!
His questions also made it clear that there are other Oreos nearby…if any of you are reading this, let me know you’re out there and we’ll grab a scone or something.
What’s the most uncomfortable thing someone’s asked you in public? How did you respond? Let us know in the comments!
The Oreo Experience 