the wire

The Gods Must Be White

Don't eff with Thor. You don't want to see him angry!

As we’ve pointed out here, movie, if anything, are totally true to life. So it stands to reason that the Council of Conservative Citizens has their white sheet undies all in a bunch because Hollywood has done the unthinkable! Nope, it’s not that they’ve made the Yogi Bear movie or Little Fockers. It’s worse. They’ve made Heimdall black.

Everyone knows Heimdall, right? He’s the Norse god who can hear grass growing and leaves falling. The one who will sound the Gjallarhorn, alerting the æsir to the onset of Ragnarök where the world ends and is reborn. Oh, and he’s also called “the white god.” And he’s being played by blacktor Idris Elba.

Said the CoCC:

“It [is] well known that Marvel is a company that advocates for leftwing ideologies and causes,” the site reads. “Marvel frontman Stan ‘Lee’ Lieber boasts of being a major financier of leftwing political candidates. Marvel has viciously attacked the Tea Party movement, conservatives and European heritage.

 “Now they have taken it one further, casting a black man as a Norse deity in their new movie Thor. Marvel has now inserted social engineering into European mythology.”

On one hand, as an Oreo, I’m totes jealous that Idris Elba is cast to play “the white god”! What an Oreo coup! I’ve sung “Popular” from Wicked at karaoke for years and have yet to land a role for a blonde.

On the other hand, as an Oreo, I’m totes bothered. If directors like Kenneth Branagh continue to fly in the face of reality and give roles to of color actors that allow them to speak in lofty poetry instead of rap and live in the sky instead of the hood…what does that mean for the Oreo? If Hollywood just starts giving parts out willy nilly to talented actors without first vetting them based on race, how will the Oreo know what to avoid to not seem so, you know, black?

And the CoCC has some good points. (If you want a real fun afternoon, btw, check out their website!) Heimdall clearly wasn’t mean to be black. He’s a Norse god, hello! So it’s good that apart from Elba, all the other actors are ethnically correct. Like the Celtic New Zealander Chris Hemsworth who plays Thor, or the Welsh Anthony Hopkins who plays Odin,  the Irish Ray Stevenson who plays Volstagg.

Yup, all Norse– wait, what?

It’s a relief to note, btw, the other true-to-life elements of Thor remain in tact. Like how Thor’s hammer flies from nowhere to his hands whenever he clicks his fingers.  So it stands to reason why the CoCC was so upset…the movie was so close. So. Very. Close. 

Obviously,  the CoCC has a lot of boycotting to do! Here’s their email form if you’d like to get in touch with them to show your support. If you do…let me know what they say.

Catch 22s – What’s an Oreo to Do?

210160_f520I just finished taking the Stuff White People Like Test again. It’s part of my regular Oreo maintenance and something I would recommend all Oreo hopefuls do to track their progress.(NOTE: The SWPL list online varies slightly from the test in the book–which, of course, is a proud part of my home library).

Don’t worry if you start out with an initial score in the 60s or 70s, you’re still half way there. Not all of us can get a 97% like yours truly.

And some anglo-tastic things do take getting used to. When I first started eating expensive sandwiches, for example, my common sense really wanted to kick in and tell me to save my $17 dollars for something more impressive than chicken salad on a brioche. But I was using the word ‘brioche’ in a sentence, so I kind of had to go for it.


Likewise, gentrification has its obvious downsides and I do feel bad when I see the trail of tears that is the working class hoping that the move inland will treat them better. But how else am I going to ensure that I stand out in the neighborhood?

Some things, however, were just easy. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy non-motorized boating, Portland, Oregon or trying too hard. 

The full list of Stuff White People Like serves as a very handy guide for Oreos, but there are some things on the list that cause problems. For example, White People like The Wire, Dave Chappelle and…it hurts to type this…having black friends. 

So what’s an Oreo to do? If a person of color says that they like The Wire, Dave Chappelle or having black friends, they are considered typical, crass and unfriendly, respectively. The ruling class expects us to like these things because they look like us. So in order to maintain Oreodom, we have to lose any affinity for them. But in order to achieve 100% on the SWPL test, one has to admit to liking them.

The dilemma makes your head hurt almost as much as relaxer cream stings the scalp.

The truth is that it’s precisely these kinds of things that are keeping me from scoring 100% on the test.


The best I can offer you is this: When discussing these subject,  choose your words carefully, and tread lightly. Very lightly–outside and inside. And when in doubt, pull our your Criteron Collection edition of Song of the South and a David Sedaris story and you’ll win them back.