oreo

Yay! Women Win! So Do Of Colors…in the most wonderful of ways!

No, Sandy. Thank YOU! 🙂

I, along with millions of others, waited with bated breath as envelopes were opened and my work as an Oreo was thankfuly confirmed!

(First, I must pause to say, let’s hear it for the interpretive dance number…am I right!!!)

So many good things in this year’s 82nd Annual Academy Awards Ceremony. Director Kathryn Bigelow was awarded as the first female to win Oscar for Best Director for her work on The Hurt Locker. And in precious news to all those who are trying to escape their ethnicity, Sandra Bullock won for Best Actress for her work in the Oreo-tastic film, The Blind Side.

Bonus points for screenwriter Geoffrey Fletcher and actress Mo’Nique for their work on Precious. Extra bonus points goes to ‘Nique for leading us into the final Barbara Walters interview with some weird talk about how she and her husband are allowed to have sex with other people and an up close and personal look at how she doesn’t shave her legs. Why limit the conversation to tasteful, reasonable topics? We have an image to uphold and thus work against, here!

Bonus, bonus, bonus points for her ending the segment, not with the poised Mo’Nique we saw at the Academy Awards, but for sassing it up, just to remind us that we really only want the Academy to be just so progressive. Otherwise, of colors look just like regular people and all of our work is in vain. 

It’s great for women that the seal has been broken by Bigelow and that the nation can see that a woman is capable of directing a powerful, tense and gripping film with complex characters and a moving story.

Thank goodness then, that we are keeping of colors in the box that we as Oreos and Oreo adjacents need them to be in. 

By awarding a screenwriter for writing about the worst of of colorness and an actress for playing the worst of colorness while also awarding another actress for taking care of of colors when (per the other film featuring black people that was nominated for an Academy Award) no one else can, the Academy has reminded all of us of just how great it will be to shun our skin and ascend into true Oreodom. 

Nevermind that TBS leaves out a few key points of the story as  writer Prairie Miller puts it:

“… The Blind Side excels at expressing the profound maternal affection and protective instincts Tuohy develops for this lost young soul, other troubling matters that come to light are skimmed over, and never quite resolved with dramatic assurance. In particular, the formal charges that were eventually leveled against Tuohy and Oher’s high school football coach Hugh Freeze, by the National Collegiate Athletic Association. And essentially, that the boy was being financially exploited by this family seeking legal guardianship over him. Along with Freeze, who eventually got a paid position at the college, where both pressured for his matriculation as a student participant in football.

Eventually Freeze was found in ethical violation, though the movie avoids a deeper exploration of rampant exploitation of ghetto youth in sports. A far better film this year that tackles those issues head on, is the Anna Boden/Ryan Fleck candid Dominican baseball drama indie, Sugar.”

Peccadilloes like legal quandaries are a small price to pay for keeping the social order in check. 

Bonus points to me for DVRing this shindig so that I can watch both those fantastic pas de deux and see Sandy bring it home for me again and again and again. 

Back to the Basics

 

It's TOE's paper anniversary! Share a square with us.

It’s almost been a year since The Oreo Experience went live. And anniversaries are perfect times to quietly wonder why you got where you are in the first place. With TOE’s paper anniversary on the horizon, I can’t help but smile when I think just how far we’ve come through self-loathing. 

Click here to take a trip down repressed memory lane and consider just how much you can love hating yourself. 

Not sure you’ve got the guts to hate your guts? Chin up, little soldiers, I bet you do! It’s not just people of color who can hate the skin they’re in. I bet if you try hard enough, you can come up with all kinds of things to try and hide. If not, try these tips. I’ll keep the kleenex and the number to my therapist handy.

1. Look in the Mirror. Forget the schmaltz on How to Look Good Naked. We have a standard in this day and age and chances are, you’re falling short. I know I am. I would instantly be relegated to quirky best friend in a movie about my own life. Freckles, water retention, teeth too white, outie, size 4.?  The mass media would crap on your reflection, why not join them?

2. Hijack your friends’ email. You know how you mention your pals’ peccadillos behind their backs? Well, the good news is, they do, too! Scan a few of their emails. Whether it’s the debby downerism, the constant cheerfulness or the fact that you don’t like your foods to touch, you’ll soon know which habit they crucify you for so that you can start driving in the nails, as well!

3. Swing from your family tree. You don’t even have to go as far as reunion to see what freaky fish are swimming in your gene pool. Just grab a couple of photos and read the body language. Dollars to donuts, you’ll be able to tell in under a minute what your mom really thinks of your stepdad’s fashion choices or if there’s not a little House of Yes action between those two cousins. Give the fam a phone call and listen to them bitch about each other and you’ll get a good idea what you inherited that’s worthy of hate.

4. Watch television. When all else fails and you’re still feeling pretty good about who you are, turn on the TV. Chances are, unless you’re Gerard Butler, your demographic is represented pretty badly. Watch a few eps to see what people in power really think of you and you’ll be on the self-bashing bandwagon in no time.

I bet if he tried hard enough, he'd be one of us, too!

Writing Advice

Inspired by Binyavanga Wainaina’s article “How to Write about Africa,” The Oreo Experience presents a handful of tips on how to write about not Africans, but African Americans. (Please, please do read Mr. Wainaina’s article. Excellent, sound advice there.) There are many similarities, but a few key differences.

Find a way to incorporate “soul,” “color,” “brother” or “dark” into your title or subhead. This will immediately clue your readers into the fact that this article is about someone of color. You need to let people know that awkward material is on the horizon. Bonus points if you can work some sort of ghetto/urban/ebonics into your title, too!  

Never write about middle to upper middle class African Americans. Your audience will recognize that this can’t possibly be the experience of RPB and it will ring false. 

Keep it down, low. Whether you’re writing about rising unemployment and continued high poverty, how the recession is hitting blacks harder than others, the burden felt by pioneers, higher levels of diabetes or HIV, or food deserts in of color communities, remember, no one should be smiling by the time they get to your end paragraph. Articles about doctors doing amazing things, academics rising to great heights
 and well-to-do families adopting kids  really need to focus off of of colors in order to ring true. 

And as important as it is to write this way, Oreos, it’s important to keep reading, too. If you’re not sure why you’re fighting the Oreo fight, click on any of those links in Tip #3 and you’ll be back on the self-loathing track in no time!

Be sure to check back in next week when we discuss how to cast an actor of color in your film or television show!

Australian Of Colors Should Be Thankful

Much to do is being made over World Champion and Russian Olympic competitors Oksana Domnina and Maksim Shabalin. The pair is coming under fire for wearing costumes inspired by and potentially offensive to Aborignal heritage. The costumes feature loin clothes, stirking white body paint, randomly festooned Eucalyptus leaves and a bit of brown face.

Russian skaters dressed up like Aborigines

While they may look like the most terrifiying kids birthday party performers ever, Domnina and Shabalin are doing the folks down under a favor.

I mean, when was the last time any talked about the Aborigines? Pre-Olympics, no one was saying anything about them. Now, they’re making front page news! 

I suppose that somewhere over scones, someone is maybe discussing how like Native Americans, the Aborigines were the original inhabitants of a lovely place and soon had their culture replaced and all but eradicated. Mayhaps someone is discussing how like minorities in the US, Aborigines experience much higher levels of poverty, disease, imprisonment and unemployment than the rest of the continent’s inhabitants. Or perhance how if explorer Robert Burke had just listened to the instruction of the Aboriginal inhabitants of the land he was setting out to be the “first” person to cross, he might not have died from starvation. 

BORING!

And like differential equations or L’Eclisse, those things are difficult to digest and hard to get your head around. Much more satisfying and helpful to the Oreo cause to remark how this 60,000-year-old culture is oversensitive and continue to learn about them through interpretive ice dancing. That way you learn so much more–like about the didgeridoo and how to get along in mixed company. 

Too bad they didn't dress up like this one instead.

Oreo Gold!

The appearance ethnic athletes at the Olympics is not news in and of itself. We expect to see of colors there in some events: track and field, basketball, clean up crew.

But this year, of color speed skater Shani Davis is winning medals and sporting his Oreo pride as one of only a handful of blackletes at the Winter Games. Here’s video of Davis setting a new world record (one of the eight he has set). Bonus points for this video being in Dutch!

 In 2006, Davis became the first African American to win an individual gold medal at the Winter Olympics. And while media outlets and bloggers write stories about him with headlines like “Soul on Ice,” Davis is reticent to talk about his ethnicity and according to Yahoo!Sports, Davis only wants to be known as a skater, melanin levels, unimportant. 

Fun fact: (if wikipedia is to be trusted). The character Frozone in Disney/Pixar’s The Incredibles was based on Davis. Hmm. Definite gold for Oreo-ing it up in Vancouver. But probably a bronze for having Sam Jackson voice him. What? Was Branaugh not free?

Chin up, old boy. You'll be in the picture next time, mate.

Compton Cookout – Classic!

When I saw this facebook invitation to a “Compton Cookout” hosted by frat brothers in San Diego, I was upset and heartbroken.

“February marks a very important month in American society. No, I’m not referring to Valentines day or Presidents day. I’m talking about Black History month. As a time to celebrate and in hopes of showing respect, the Regents community cordially invites you to its very first Compton Cookout.

For guys: I expect all males to be rockin Jersey’s, stuntin’ up in ya White T (XXXL smallest size acceptable), anything FUBU, Ecko, Rockawear, High / Low top Jordans or Dunks, Chains, Jorts, stunner shades, 59 50 hats, Tats, etc.

For girls: For those of you who are unfamiliar with ghetto chicks – Ghetto chicks usually have gold teeth, start fights and drama, and wear cheap clothes – they consider Baby Phat to be high class and expensive couture. They also have short, nappy hair, and usually wear cheap weave, usually in bad colors, such as purple or bright red. They look and act similar to Shenaynay, and speak very loudly, while rolling their neck, and waving their finger in your face. Ghetto chicks have a very limited vocabulary, and attempt to make up for it, by forming new words, such as “constipulated,” or simply cursing persistently, or using other types of vulgarities, and making noises, such as “hmmg!,” or smacking their lips, and making other angry noises, grunts, and faces. The objective is for all you lovely ladies to look, act, and essentially take on these “respectable” qualities throughout the day.

Several of the regents condos will be teaming up to house this monstrosity, so travel house to house and experience the various elements of life in the ghetto.

We will be serving 40’s, Kegs of Natty, dat Purple Drank – which consists of sugar, water, and the color purple , chicken, coolade, and of course Watermelon. So come one and come all, make ya self before we break ya self, keep strapped, get yo shine on, and join us for a day party to be remembered – or not.”

Why wasn’t I on the invite list??

Sure, it’s dicey for Oreos to spend time with other people of color, but spending time with people pretending to be of color is just as important as making sure you’ve staked out your place at the regatta. Because here, we are reminded of just how unpleasant we would be if we were RBP.

Thanks, brothers, for the reminder. See you at next year’s Pimps and Hos ball, the Gangta Grill and the Cotton Bowl.

A Smudge, er Smidge, of Absolution

 

Hope you got your fill of vices on Fat Tuesday, because it's time to give up just a little more

 

Happy Ash Wednesday!

If in your Oreodom, you have chosen a faith, it should have been one that smacks of Europe and has a nice Scandinavian Christ on the wall to show you what perfection looks like. 

I myself am a practicing Anglican and use Ash Wednesday as a chance to further the Oreo cause.

During Lent, most people give up a typical vice like soda, smoking or sex. But choose your Lenten sacrifice just right and it can help offset the fact that your ashes blend in unfortunately with your skintone.

If you’re worried that your Lenten season won’t be one befitting an Oreo, use one of these phrases when asked about it and you’ll be on the right path.

  • “I’m giving up my season tickets to the Ahmanson and donating them to a non-profit. I mean, I love my Forever Plaid, but Lord knows I’ve seen it enough times.”
  • “Giving up meat doesn’t bother me so much. I went vegan after that summer at the ashram.”
  • “Chapel was lovely, but it was nothing like when I got to do a Rite I service during my cathedral tour in Germany.”
  • “I kind of like fasting, it reminds me of The Road to Wellville”
  • “I swear I’ll make it these 40 days without my Vicar of Dibley! It’ll be rough, but chin up, stiff upper lip, I’ll muddle through.”

Don’t think of the season as a time to go without, but as a time that clears up some headspace for enjoying the reward later. Besides, think how great those plush theater seats will feel and how refreshing Dawn French will be after a moon and a half without.

Bonus Oreo points if you get the good vicar to do your ashes for you!

Oreo Survival Guide – Cardio Funk

Sometimes, well meaning friends not of color will invite you to certain events where your Oreodom will be tested by surprise. These events will seem like harmless outings where friends can bond. But be careful. Becoming too comfortable with a friend can cause you to slip and ruin years of effort.

To help you through these moments, The Oreo Experience is happy to present  a survival guide for one of the most nefarious of these group gatherings: The hip hop cardio funk workout class.

Purporting to be a fun way to shed calories and inches, these classes are like land mines for an Oreo. It’s true, many of us have an innate sense of rhythm that we must suppress lest we look like an RBP. From the moment you step into one of these classes, all eyes will be on you as the assumption will be that you can pop, lock and/or ghetto bounce better than the fairer faced exercisers.

While that may or may not be true, follow these steps to make it known who you are with all haste.

  • 1. Stumble across the threshold. Committing a literal faux pas as you make your entrance will tacitly clue the ladies in the class in to a potential lack of hand-eye coordination and fast twitch muscle fibres that are perhaps mis-firing. Don’t rely on just this. They may write it off as a simple, and unlikely to be repeated misstep.
  • 2. Ask the teacher for her credentials; mention yours. Anyone can complete the training that Bally’s offers its employees, but how unethnic will you sound when you talk about the years you spent at the American Ballet Theater. NOTE: When the follow up question about Alvin Ailey comes from certain cultured work-outers, feign ignorance and say that 
  • 3. Chalk up any (accidental) expertise to hula training. It goes without saying that you must make yourself out to be the worst dancer in the class. When teacher says left, go right. When teacher says to give her levels, ask if she’s hanging a painting. When she asks for a body roll, suggest a California roll instead. But in the event, that any natural ability does leak out, you must have an alibi at the ready. Hula works well because it implies a well-to-do type of trip. And while native peoples invented the hula, they aren’t often associated with the brown natives of other nations. So shimmy away!
  • 4. Cheer properly. These kinds of classes often encourage participation by group shouts and whoops. While your teacher and classmates might let fly a “Wooo! You go girl!” or something like that, your exclamation must be different and distinctive. Instead of a “that’s it!” or “uh – HUH!” or “eOOOWWW!” Try a “Huzzah, mi’ladies!” to set your self apart.
  • 5. Invite the class to your traditional post work out dinner at Umami Burger. Nothing says “I’m not ethnic like eating at the kind of Asian-inspired place that non ethnics love.” There, you can dine on medium rare meat adorned with butter lettuce, Italian truffle cheese and almost ketchup while your new friends appreciate who you have worked so hard to be.

Just don’t let them catch you tapping your feet to the restaurant’s music. You’ve come so far, it’d be sad to see your efforts vanish by dessert.

Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – Image

Dear Diary,

The kind of invitation I’d been waiting for finally came. Embossed envelope withe the kind of wax seal I haven’t seen since my last Renaissance Festival. I was expecting to be asked to any number of red carpet events where I could rub sunburned elbows with the kind of people it does me good to be seen with.

Then I opened the envelope.

The NAACP Image Awards?? 

Such a tease you are, life, such a tease. 

They are honoring The Blind Side, though. So, maybe they’re more Oreo-tastic than I thought.

Vanity. Fair.

Whenever I get worried that there’s no need to keep up the Oreo fight, I find ways to get myself back on track. Like by looking at how one American institution looks at another American institution. In this case, it was the Vanity Fair “new Hollywood” issue. 

About the photo. Michael K at dlisted.com writes:

“Every year, Annie Leibovitz shoots Vanity Fair’s “New Hollywood” issue and this year’s cover makes a BYU class picture look like a Benetton ad.”

Ahh, and just when I thought that I should return my Jane Austen dress. Stretched credit limit be damned! I’m keeping it.

For more on why we love this look, read celebitchy’s rundown. Favorite Oreo excerpts from the analysis include:

“…Just glancing at the spread, I’m liking it. No one ghostly pale with ghoulish grey skin and vampire red lips (as they’ve been styled in past years). Everyone looks fresh and pretty.”

“…With her patrician looks and celebrated pedigree—she is the daughter of American operatic soprano Maria Ewing and legendary British theater director Sir Peter Hall”

“The Cupid’s-bow lips, the downy-soft cheeks, the button nose: 27-year-old Abbie Cornish has those Ivory-soap-girl features we’re so familiar with…”

Ahh, beauty standard. Where would we be without you keeping us in place.