Diary of a Mad Black White Woman – Hail to the Chief

Dear Diary:

It’s obviously fun to blend inI’ve spent a lot of years, a lot of dollars and perfected a lot of grimaces at the salon to do so. I mean, who doesn’t want to look like you belong, to get the invitations to THE events and to not be shoved on the ground just because you bought an overpriced belt.

But getting profiled and being harassed based on your looks gives you cool stories, bro. Not getting profiled doesn’t. Hence the fact that my yesterday was fairly uneventful.

What, this? Oh, nothing. Just the leader of the free world hanging out where I have coffee everyday. nbd

What, this? Oh, nothing. Just the leader of the free world hanging out where I have coffee everyday. nbd
(photo courtesy of Madison Sellers)

I mean sure, President Obama came to my work and I got to see him speak from 30 metres away. Yes, that happened. But some of the people I worked with got to see the President speak from 30 metres away AND got to tell everyone how intense security was with them. At their obligatory dinners tomorrow, they’re going to be ones getting sympathy and attention because they were roughly turned away from stairwells, had dogs search their bags and got wands stuck in uncomfortable places.

I’ll only be getting sympathy and attention because my hosts will find it unfathomable that my jaw can actually unhinge and that that much stuffing can fit inside one human being. During our President’s Day, none of the SWAT/CIA/FBI/Secret Service/Glendale Police even looked twice at me. I got to go up a blocked off flight of stairs as a (white) co-worker was questioned before he could proceed up the same stairs. And even though I went through 2 mandatory metal detectors, when I held my arms out to let the guy rub that stick on me, both times I was waved on with nary even a flick of that stick. Apparently “stop and frisk” isn’t really that big of an issue.


I know I’m supposed to be happy about this. The fact that I was ignored means that I blended in. The way that I looked, spoke and comported didn’t raise any hackles or pique any suspicions. According to law enforcement, I looked just like everyone else– a success in an Oreo’s book.

But I’m wondering: maybe becoming one with the majority isn’t just about being profiled or not. Maybe it’s about where and how you get profiled. Any ol’ RBP can get stopped in Beverly Hills or handcuffed in the Upper West Side. That’s to be expected. That’s what RBP do.  But since domestic terror suspects aren’t usually black people, maybe it should be the goal of a true and dedicated Oreo one day be mistaken for one (a terror suspect, not a black person, let’s not get crazy). Yes, I think that’s what it is.  It’s not that I’m impossible to please, it’s just that an Oreo’s work is never done.

I’m sure I’m in part just overreacting to what was a perfectly fine and historic event. So,  I’m going to get back to finishing this Earl Grey and quiche and start hoping for what will happen at airport security when I head back to London next fall. Fingers crossed that the stories will be epic! 

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You Can’t Say That on Television…Without Letting Me Know to Tune In!

Aasif Mandvi - those eyes, that smirk, that ability to make people forget that their words are being broadcast to millions and that there are such things as "consequences" mmmmmmmm

Aasif Mandvi – those eyes, that smirk, that ability to make people forget that their words are being broadcast to millions and that there are such things as “consequences”  – Yum!

In case you didn’t catch Thursday’s Daily Show clip that everyone is talking about, here’s the Reader’s Digest version: (Note to self: Find out if people still read Reader’s Digest)

Aasif Mandvi interviewed Don Yelton, a GOP Precinct Captain from North Carolina. During the interview, the two discussed voting rights generally, and more specifically, the fact that since the Supreme Court repealed part of the Voting Rights Act, North Carolina has done what it can to make sure that only the right people get the right vote. Yelton agrees with this practice and supports oppressive voting rules that keep various populations out of the polls. Oh, and he’s super racist about it.

If you haven’t seen the video, it’s worth a watch. So click here for that. Don’t worry, we’ll wait. (and if someone wants to teach me how to embed Daily Show clips on WordPress, there’s a bright and shiny oatmeal raisin cookie in it for you!)

HmmmmmhmmmmmooooooAAAAAAAAAAlalalalalawhatdoesthefoxsaytchofftchofftchoffalliwantedwastobreakyourwaaaalllllsbuteverybody’slikecristalmaybachdiamondsonyourtimepiecesomethingsomethingtigersonagold — oh you’re back!

So yeah. I watched that video and as you might expect, I was pissed.

That guy was so phoning it in! Sure, he trotted out uncomfortably bigoted phrases like “one of my best friends is black,” and “lazy blacks,” and “we call them negroes,” and yes, he even dropped the n-word a couple of times. Good for him, but he left so many great phrases out!

With just one more ounce of sticktoitiveness, Mr. Yelton could have done us the favor of saying words and phrases like:

  • Welfare queens
  • Food stamp president
  • Tar baby
  • They just don’t value education
  • Our blacks are better than theirs
  • Look, if it wasn’t for slavery, they’d all still be smashing rocks and throwing spears in Africa
  • What’s the difference between a pizza and a black guy
  • Can I touch your hair
  • The Holocaust? Yeah, I’ve heard that propaganda before.
  • Fried chicken and diabetes

With just one or two extra phrases, I could have totally won last night’s game of Unbelievably Dumb And Totally Cliched Right Wing Racist Things Bingo–a game I play weekly. PM me for deets on the next location.


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3 Fun Facts About The Poor (per Paul Ryan)

Last week, the House of Representatives voted down a new farm bill that, among other things, would have denied SNAP benefits to poor people if they had a car. This week, Paul Ryan is making the news rounds lamenting the failure of this bill to pass. Ryan supported an amendment to the bill that would have shrunk the food benefits roster.

Beyond the $20 billion in cuts that will throw an estimated two million children, elderly, and disabled Americans off food stamps, millionaire Rep. Paul Ryan is pushing an amendment that would close the door to assistance for the vast majority of Americans. Ryan and Rep. Frank Lucas are proposing that categorical eligibility be eliminated and replaced with an asset limit. If an individual has $2,000 in savings, or a car worth more than $5,000, they will not be eligible for food stamps. –

Many were upset by this amendment and its inclusion likely played a part in its failure in the House. But c’mon, lazies, Ryan makes a point! If a person has a car, then clearly they can afford to do whatever else they want to do like paying their rent, gas bill, and eating all the time.

The GOP often uses this logic to explain why poor people don’t need benefits. If people are buying things like gas for their car, or a birthday cake once a year, or shoes, then obviously they’re flush and don’t need any help from the social safety net. This logic works perfectly because are some things that are true about poor people that aren’t true for the rest of us.

Poor people do not have friends or relatives who sometimes give them gifts. I have a pair of $300 boots. I cannot afford a pair $300 boots. But a roommate gave them to me because she had owned them for years and never actually wore them.

Now, while something like this happens to middle class me, it never happens to poor people. If poor people have something nice, it’s because they’re siphoning the dozens of dollars they get from the government into their luxe, lavish lifestyle.

Surprise! You don't get help when shiz hits the fan!

Surprise! You don’t get help when shiz hits the fan!

Poor people never keep things. If I lost my job tomorrow, I’d have a bunch of decent things thanks to the fact that I’d been employed steadily for a number of years. I’d have some dishes that I got at Target. I’d have those boots I just mentioned, I’d have my car, my cats and some jeans and sundresses. I’d probably want to keep as many of these things as possible so that I didn’t lose absolutely everything all at once and want to kill myself.

This isn’t the case with poor people. Poor people never hold on to belongings to allow for some semblance of stability. If you see a poor person with a car or something other than a piece of trash, then it’s definitely because they threw away all of their previous belongings and wanted for that fat welfare check to come in so that they could buy everything a new. Last year’s house—gross! Time to upgrade!

Umm. You lost your job. Why haven't you sold absolutely everything you own? You must not really be having a hard time.

Umm. You lost your job. Why haven’t you sold absolutely everything you own? Things can’t be that bad if you still have that 12year-old car…and your 12-year-old.


Poor people don’t need to look for jobs or run errands or go to the doctor. If I lost my job, I would like to keep my car as long as possible so that I can go to job interviews and visit temp agencies and take meetings and generally continue to look for work.  I’d also like to be able to visit the grocery every now and then or maybe to Office Depot to get some paper to print my resume on and then maybe to the pharmacy when the flu comes around. Selling my car the moment tragedy hits would only lead to more tragedy since I’d be stuck at home and/or relying on LA’s craptastic public transportation system.

Not the case with the poors. If the poors have a car, they 100% aren’t using it to look for work. They’re probably just using it for decoration or maybe pooping in it for kicks. They definitely aren’t using it for anything necessary to staying alive. And remember, if they have a car in the first place, it’s most probs not because they’ve had that car for years and see no need to ditch it now. Poors only have cars because of all that cash they’re taking from the rich.

Someone's about to bring this coffee table inside.

Oh this? It’s just decoration. We’re just waiting for that check so we can pick up the Maz.


Hopefully Poor Paul (read: rich as balls Paul) will be able to take his message on the road and get the support his party needs to pass legislation like this. We definitely need to do something about the bloated budget, so why not do it on the backs of people who can’t drive to Washington to protest!

 What was the last awesome thing you bought with your welfare check? Let us know in the comments!

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