Oreo fun fact: Before I moved to LA, I worked for years as a reporter. Thanks to Mildly Relevant News for giving me a chance to get back to my roots.
Speaking of youtube, did you know you can subscribe to The Oreo Experience’s channel and get even more Oreotastic stuff there? Do it! James Joyce would be proud.
Embrace it! Awkward moments are good for you!
I was taking a turn about the Equestrian Center after riding today when I had an experience that definitely made me take stock in my Oreodom.
I was nearly of the gate and back to my car when an older man rode up to me in his golf cart and asked what I was doing there.
To be fair, there was a competition going on so most of the people there were in formal riding gear, though I had hoped my jodhpurs would have helped me blend in a bit.
I told him I was just there to watch, he informed me that he was the show vet and we started a lovely conversation about big animal care, James Harriet and our favorite places in Ireland and West Hollywood. Then, my new friend said this to me:
“There’s another colored gal who has a horse up here…do you know her?”
Now, while I’m sure the gal was at the last meeting, I didn’t know who he was talking about and I told him so.
At first, I forgot my Oreoness and was a little put off by having been called colored. But then, my Oreo senses kicked in and I decided to chart it out and see how I should feel…
CON: Even with the jodhpurs and tightly-pinned bun, he still noticed I was black.
PRO: Though he noticed I was black, he still talked freely to me, suggesting that he didn’t think I was angry RBP.
CON: He made the small circle of people around us uncomfortable, as they all did quick side glances at me to see how I would react.
PRO: My Oreo-sense allowed me to put everyone else at ease by responding sweetly and without malice to his thoughtful inquiry.
CON: Getting away with saying it once made him say it again and more when he added: “Oh yeah, and there’s this other colored fellow who owns a couple of horses down the way. I mean, I think he’s a black guy, he’s really, you know, dark like you are.” Equal amounts of uncomfyness followed.
PRO: Each time he said an adjective that described the hue of my skin, it made my back stiffen straighter and straighter–which made my my posture much better for my next riding lesson.
Antiquated terms, FTW!
His questions also made it clear that there are other Oreos nearby…if any of you are reading this, let me know you’re out there and we’ll grab a scone or something.
What’s the most uncomfortable thing someone’s asked you in public? How did you respond? Let us know in the comments!
No, please, say whatever you want!
As Dr. Laura reminded us this week, it’s Constitutionally important for non-colors to be able to say the n-word whenever they want. As an Oreo, you will be in a unique position to make those that feel marginally guilty about this to feel better and for those who don’t feel guilty to keep on feeling fine.
You see, non-colors generally won’t say the n-word in front of RBP (aka “LaT’Shawndreeans) because those folks are scary and will probably cut a bitch.
But Oreos, known for our tolerance discovered through assimilation will simply smile and nod.
You may, however, feel the need to point out some fairly obvious logic flaws in the arguments for using the n-word with abanadon, but control yourself. Otherwise, you run the risk of some suuuuper awkward moments. You know, more awkward than someone saying the n-word, say 11 times in what started as a polite conversation.
Below are some rules to follow to keep the conversation moving following the five stages of the n-word conversation.
1. ANGER: The conversation will usually start out with something heated like, “I don’t understand. Rappers and comedians say nigger all the time, why can’t I?”
DON’T point out the obvious by saying any of the following.
2. DENIAL. What will usually follow is the personal approach that downplays potential emotional harm with something like, “There’s this guy at my office, Dwayne, he says it all the time, it can’t be a big deal.”
DON’T SAY:
3. BARGAINING: Then comes an attempt to compare a word developed to subjugate an entire race of people for generations to a high school prank and your conversation partner will say something like “..I mean, in high school, they called me Sticky Stick Stick, that hurt my feelings, but I got over it.”
DON’T say something like:
4. DEPRESSION: That’s when they realize their civil liberties are being trampled and they’ll say something like “Hey, we have free speech here. I can say whatever I want.”
DON’T point out that even though “congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free speech thereof. Or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances” that that doesn’t mean that people are protected from someone disagreeing with them.
5. ACCEPTANCE: Then finally, they’ll acquiesce because the opera or lacrosse game is about to start and they’ll say something like, “I mean, I don’t get it, but I guess I just won’t say it. I mean, it’s just a word, it’s not like words can actually hurt you.”
DON’T then call them an fucking idiot cunt and then when they get offended tell them that it’s just words. Because that would just be rude.
What do you think? Whether you’re an Oreo or not, do you think we should toss the n-word back into an accepted lexicon like we did with “bitch”? Why do you think other ethnic groups do not seem to be having this conversation as loudly…we don’t see tons of Jewish comics debating the merits of the k-word.
And if you do wanna use it more often, just substitute it for “black guy” in any of these jokes, invite an Oreo to your next tapas tasting and have a ball!
Just because they put it on doesn't mean you have to move to it.
As we have discussed, it is important to be the only person of color in the room at any given time or event. Having more than one of us around can lead to all sorts of miscommunication, embarrassing run-ins and tempt either of you to discuss common race-related issues that might trigger a long latent desire to read some Nikki Giovanni.
But sometimes a room is crowded, dark or split-level. So how do you both determine if there are any of colors in the vicinity and relax enough to proudly show off the pictures from Inverness on your iPhone?
Instead of prowling from corner to corner paper bag testing everyone you come into contact with, just look for a few key things to see if you are safe.
Take one magazine for black women, add one white fashion editor…ta daa! A new publication for Oreos to love and a media crapstorm!
For those of you who don’t read Essence–and my guess is that if you read this blog, you don’t read Essence–the magazine was once a highly political pub aimed at empowering black women. It’s become more of a fluffy lifestyle piece over the years, but the main goal is still the same: Reach out to RBP women, make them feel good, have them buy cosmetics.
As such, most of the top tier staff at Essence has been black.
Thankfully, that’s changed.
The magazine just hired the decidedly not-black Placas and many RBP are pissed.
But here’s the thing. It’s all kinds of awkward to go into someone’s home and see a magazine that touts ethnic identity as being a worthwhile pursuit. So now that Essence has a better chance of looking like any other fashion magazine, we can all relax. I mean, look how great this cover of Vanity Fair looked. Nevermind that Gabourey Sidibe was a total breakout star, she would have totally fucked up this magazine cover about young breakout stars in Hollywood.
Why put a black woman in a position of creative power at a magazine aimed at a black women when she might bring some icky, uncomfortable verisimilitude to said magazine. A black fashion director for example, would probably never let this romantic, antebellum-themed ad make it into her magazine’s pages and look how cute it is!
The touch, the feel of cotton
I’m sure that her experience in the fashion world makes her more than super qualified to be a magazine’s fashion director. And her experience not being black makes her a great choice to take a magazine that sometimes does the “wahwahI’mblack” into the modern day and have even more people picking up and running with the Oreo flag.
So congrats on the new gig, Ellana! Play your cards right and this Oreo will add a new subscription to keep her Harper’s and Horse and Hound company!
Other reasons the media is an Oreo’s friend: If you’re pretty and brown, you might be a terrorist, RBP in the movies can’t be wizards or go on dates, and is Tyler Perry, a sworn Oreo enemy actually an Oreo in disguise?
What do you think of the Essence sitch? Does it matter that a not-black person is directing a black fashion magazine? Are historical issues over and done with enough that fashion is an equal-opportunity self-loathing machine (even white girls have a hard time shedding as many curves as it takes to be a supermodel, I’m guessing). Are specialty magazines passe, out of vogue?
Thanks to the folks at Sociological Images for posting a great story that made all my little Oreo hair stand up in their chemically relaxed folicles.
You can read the whole story here. But here’s the gist.
Two 7-year-old boys took their family’s cars without permission and led police on a chase. One kid is white. The other is an RBP. The videos below show how differently these kids were treated by the media.
The white boy, Preston, is interviewed with his family on the set of the Today show. Knowing his kid is safe, his Dad describes the event as “funny” and tells the audience that if this could happen to a “cotton candy all-American kid like Preston,” then “it could happen to anybody.”
This story contrasts dramatically to the CNN story about Latarian Milton, a black 7-year-old who took his family’s car on a joy ride. I’ll put the video first, but be forewarned, it’s disturbing not only because of the different frame placed on the boys actions, but because of the boy’s embracing of the spoiled identity:
With an absolutely polar introduction of “Not your typical 7-year-old,” this story is filmed on the street. Whereas the Today show screened the chase footage in real time, this one is sped up, making it seem even more extreme.
The non-color kid got a fluff piece on The Today Show and everyone laughed at his little mistake. The police held no grudge and everyone’s fine in the end.
The police who dealt with the RBP kid said that they do “want to get him into the system.”
Obviously, I was upset.
Had this kid just put on an Oreo game face, he could have totally booked the Today show! Imagine how much more fun his story would have been if he had worn a collard shirt and not used the word “hoodrat” or been named “Latarian.”
*OreoWriter rushes off to begin Oreo outreach program*
Interestingly enough, CNN did Oreos a favor by showing us that kids still prefer white dolls/kids to black ones…and then I suppose, the story on the car thief was the answer as to why they do.
First, let me say that as a good Oreo, I’ve only seen enough of Roots to know I don’t want to see the rest. Slavery, your name is Toby, wahwahbad, I get it.
But this weekend, after a family get together in Vegas, I discovered some interesting tidbits about my roots (other than the fact that I do need another relaxer soon). I learned that I am the niece of a Republican, of the inventor of a computer system that helps guide the F16 and of a champion cross country skier.
Clearly, I come by my Oreodom honestly.
Unfortunately, I did also find out that I am the granddaughter of a session musician for Duke Ellington and that one of my great uncles was a Tuskegee Airman. Two way ethnic occupations. Eh, we can’t all have perfect pedigrees. I’ll just make sure I frame the skier’s photos more prominently.
This is my great Uncle Lt. Andrew D. Marshall (the ethnic one). This picture is in the Smithsonian and was taken after he was shot down over Greece. Even though 'Tuskegee Airman' just screams ethnic...it's still pretty cool.
What fun stuff is hanging from your family tree?
How dare VH1 do this to me?
Oh, Chili, what did I ever do to you?
The network announced a new reality show called “What Chili Wants” featuring Rozonda Thomas, aka, Chilli from TLC. But unlike the network’s usual minstrel show black-themed reality show, Flava of Love, this show will feature Thomas doing not-skeezy/disgusting things and instead, leading a healthy, balanced life.
The cable network synonymous with “Flavor of Love” and its sleazy spin-offs is trading trampiness for fabulousness with a new slate of series starring seemingly well-adjusted rich and famous black Americans. VH1 executive vice president Jeff Olde admits that the shift from oh-no-they-didn’t fare to more mature material is totally intentional.
“We constantly have to evolve and tell our audience different stories,” he says. “I love that we’ve been able to get more diverse with our audience by — in large part — attracting African-American women to the network. We got them in the door with some shows, and now I’m excited about where we’re going and how we’re telling them different kinds of stories.”
For the notoriously trashy VH1, it’s not reality as usual. While cat fights will flare up with the “Basketball Wives” and Chilli promises a tiff with her sassy matchmaker on “What Chilli Wants,” these new shows certainly aren’t selling buzzworthy moments akin to “Flavor of Love” contestants spiting on each other or suddenly defecating on the floor.
Because who doesn’t want to see adults shitting on travertine?
Olde dismisses any past criticisms of “Flavor of Love” and its offspring, mostly produced by 51 Minds Entertainment, by calling the franchise ignited by black rapper Flavor Flav and his multiracial harem “big fun romantic comedies.” (Olde confirms that “I Love Money 3,” featuring murder suspect and suicide victim Ryan Jenkins, as well as the Jenkins-free “I Love Money 4” won’t air.)
Big, fun, romantic comedies? Hmm, I didn’t think that ILM was much like Love, Actually. But maybe I was wrong.
“The new VH1 shows offer a different take on the black reality TV star,” says Imani Perry, a professor at Princeton University’s Center for African American Studies. “These are images of wealthy black families. These shows may potentially be less stereotypic because they present a different, higher status black image.”
And that’s where it gets dicey for Oreos.
Let's face it. I need you, Flav.
Being an Oreo requires constant reminders of what’s wrong with being an RBP. How am I supposed to curse the image in the mirror if major networks stop their usual fare and start showing dreck like Chili’s show?
Also, am I wrong in using context clues to assume that in his first quote, Jeff Olde asserts that VH1 attracted the new viewers of color he mentions with shows like Flava? Is he saying that there’s really no way to get the attention of RBP apart from a 3+ season long parade of important ethnic archetypes like New York having her toes sucked by a thug. I think so. And that’s why I’m an Oreo.
But there is a silver lining:
Bill Graff, an analyst for cable media analysis firm CableU, says the strategy isn’t a surefire winner. While the new shows are targeted to an underserved audience, they require more of an investment from viewers, especially if they don’t care about the personal lives of such B-list celebrities as Chilli and Brandy, or any of those “Basketball Wives.”
“It’s a little bit more of a leap for VH1 viewers than ‘Flavor of Love,’ ‘Rock of Love’ and the other shows,” says Graff. “Anyone who watches VH1 definitely knows and is entertained by Flavor Flav and New York. Anyone who is familiar with hip-hop from the past 25 years knows Pepa from Salt-N-Pepa, but they may not necessarily care about her love life.”
So, the slightly Oreo version of the black reality star might not work? Perfect. Because I have invested a lot of time in my self loathing and I’d hate to see it dashed by changing norms.
Nope, none in here, either.
Welcome to The Minority Report – a super quick movie review.
Inception.
There are no black people in dreams. Or London.
There are black people in African markets. They all wear traditional clothes and yell at you funny when you barge into their cafe, bringing a horde of gunmen after you.
Indians are smart and just a little bit hapless.
White people are by turns: troubled leaders, smart and concerned, smart and kind, beautiful and compelling, stately professors, heirs, very nearly magical, misunderstood fathers.
Ken Wantanabe looks like the 6 Flags guy in his old makeup.
After a recent segment about a 103-year-old RBP, CNN wrapped the piece by playing the n-word using Coolio song Fantastic Voyage.
The network immediately apologized.
As they should have.
If you’re going to play an RBP off, you have to go whole hog. Don’t wimp out with Coolio. Try a little Soldier Soulja Boy or Luda. The shock from something as gross as Superman or as stupid as Kiss Me Through the Phone or as please-kill-me as My Chick Bad will push us much farther away from the RBP than just one drop of the n-word. (clip below contains it, so if you’re in your cubicle, volume down).
The Oreo Experience 