who wants a job can get one. Where businesses thrive in previously under-served areas. Where business aren’t bogged down by pesky things like “payrolls” or “building codes.”
It goes a little like this:
First, he presents us with real an sobering facts.
While overall U.S. unemployment stands at 9.1%, black unemployment has jumped to 16.7%. Black teenage unemployment is bordering on 50%, and that figure doesn’t even take into account “discouraged” workers, “involuntary” part-time workers and “underemployed” workers. But even these numbers don’t tell the real story. They represent real people who are suffering deeply and have been suffering for a long, long time.
Awww, he cares. He said “suffering.” Which means he connects to the humanity of this situation. Look how much he grieves:
Behind these numbers are millions of lives discouraged and despondent. People who’ve lost their self-esteem and pride.
Wow, the horrors of self-esteem and pride loss. I’m so with you!! It’s horrible. I was unemployed for 2 years and it was the lowest my life had ever been. I remember waking up, crying all day, falling asleep with tear-stained cheeks, then waking up just to do it again. He must have a really good idea for stopping that cycle.
He calls them “Enterprise Zones.” The EZs will be concentrated areas of business placed in poor urban areas.
Another enterprise zone. The USS Enterprise Zone!
So far so good! Poor urban areas need businesses. With all granted wishes however, there are a few niggly details to consent to.
Rule #1: For all employment within the enterprise zone of people whose principal residence is also the enterprise zone, there should be no payroll tax whatsoever, neither employer nor employee portions. The employer need not be headquartered in the enterprise zone to take advantage of the elimination of the employer’s portion of the payroll tax. The locus of employment does have to be in the enterprise zone.
Okay, so the owners don’t have to pay additional taxes. Not such a big deal, right, because they are paying their employees after all, which is the whole point of getting a job, right?
Rule #2: Federal and state minimum wages must be suspended in the enterprise zone. If not for all employees, then at least for employees under 30. These young people need on-the-job training, and at the present minimum wage many of them aren’t worth hiring. That is why they are unemployed.
Ohhhhh, the workers WON’T get paid. This makes perfect, reasonable sense for two reasons. 1. What better way to stem the soul crushing depression that comes from not having an income by just getting in there and exhausting yourself with work. That way, you’ll be too tired to cry yourself to sleep at night, you’ll just pass out from the combined exhaustion of working for free and not being able to buy an energizing dinner.
Kinda like how the girl who drinks this in a few minutes won't know just how bad she should feel when she comes to in her unusually messy bedroom the next morning.
Also, the only reason for unemployment is not having a skill set. I think if The Great Recession made anything clear, it was that. No one has been laid off because of decisions made at a corporate level. It was just because people are too dang hungry lazy to educate themselves.
Rule #3: In the enterprise zones the government should do an expedited review of all building codes, regulations, restrictions and requirements to make sure that they don’t unjustifiably impede economic growth. For example, mandated union membership rules should be voided in enterprise zones as should all prevailing wage provisions and the like.
You know what’s annoying? Rules. And safety. And protection for people who are already super vulnerable. Ugh! Instead of making sure that people have enough light to see by, aren’t breathing toxic chemicals and can escape during an emergency, let’s just put them to work. For free. I mean, you’ve already spent all that money not paying your employees. You can’t just not hemorrhage cash forever. Eventually, you’re going to have to dig your heels in and just rake in the cash.
Look at all that uncomfortable space! That is no place for healthy productivity.
Rule #4: Profits generated by companies operating and employing people within the enterprise zone should only be taxed at one-third the regular tax rate. No matter how many fewer regulations a company faces, those companies still quite rightly respond to profits for their shareholders.
These EZs will be doing people a favor! They will allow people to work without the burden of having to set up a direct deposit account. Plus, because they won’t be earning any money, workers won’t be able to afford gas, bus fare or Internet access, so they won’t be distracted by looking for other jobs. They’ll be able to focus. Rich kids pay tons of money for pills that make them focus. EZs are giving the community a great big shot of Ritalin for free!
If you think this sounds like slavery, you’re totally right! But let’s just call it an internship. (albeit, where all the “students” are poor people of color who work in unventilated boxes without the ability to talk to an academic adviser.)
*****
What do you think? Have we found our way out of economic crisis? Let us know in the comments!
I was watching some footage of fellas recently and learned some shocking things. Guys seem to not be able to handle very much at all. It must be so tough. So guys, what exactly is wrong with…
1. Women who care about them. Here’s Klondike rewarding a guy for listening to his horrible boring parasite of a wife for waaaaaay too long.
2. Quality Shirts. Here’s JC Penny (thanks Sociological Images for the link) telling guys that if they just endure a few seconds of well-made clothing, they’ll get to stare a woman.
3. Women who care about them. Olympus finally has a solution to having to spend time with your terrible, soul-crushing romantic partner.
The ad says that with their camera, guys will “never get bored of how their girlfriend looks again.” Thank God someone figured out how to make us XX-chromosomed folk interesting! Geez! Can I get one of these filters to carry around with me? I can only imagine how tedious it must be to look at me in passing. Apologies guys, really. From the bottom of my boring boring heart.
4. Respecting People. Here’s Dodge giving men a getaway vehicle so they can run the hell away from their shittastic lives where they are forced by harpies to be considerate.
5. Women Who Care About Them. In order to get men to buy milk, The California Milk Processor’s Board showed us not how milk is a healthy thing that helps prevent bone loss and teeth shattering, but how it can be a way for men to avoid talking to their partners. Because if she’s upset, it’s obviously because of some wackadoo hormone issue. And that’s scrrrry!
I, for example, have never been upset because as a human, I experience a range of emotions and sometimes become frustrated because of a misunderstanding. At least drinking this glass of milk helps me keep my lady mouth shut, so my boyfriend doesn’t have to run away in terror. Or eat himself to obesity on ice cream sandwiches.
You could say that these are just flukes and aren’t indicative of anything in particular. Except that the companies who put these out are some of the biggest out there. A whole lot of people had to approve these ad concepts and believe them to be viable ways to sell their products.
They must not consider them to be wildly insulting to women, since clearly we exist to either annoy or titillate men. And they must not consider them to be insulting to men who apparently can’t make a decision without staring at some boobs first; or who have no desire to communicate with the boobs they’re staring at ever.
Fer serious, tho: Guys, do you find ads like this insulting? Do you ever get sexy-fatigue? I mean how many impossibly hot girls can you stare at in one lifetime? Are you a guy who doesn’t mind chatting with his partner every now and then? Or are women really that terrible? Why are you so afraid of us? Let us know in the comments.
One of the biggest pieces of inspiration for an Oreo-to-be is film and TV. It’s so motivating to see what a diversity of experiences one can have…if one only had the foresight to not be you know…a brown.
With the summer over, it’s time for Hollywood to pull out a new season of films. Notable about this time of year is that this is where many strong Oscar contenders come from. Which means that these are the movies that filmmakers, young and old alike, will take their cues from. Here’s some of what’s coming up this fall and winter and how they stack up against the Oreo agenda.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star – Nick Swardson does porn (finally!!)
Things White People Get to Do: Be part of a loving family, be content with simple things, be blissfully unaware, be sweet, be naive, be oddly cool, progressive parents, live in a small town, live in a big city, parody Almost Famous, be hot, be regular looking, be super hot with a regular looking boyfriend, be the hero.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be threatening, drive a car.
Contagion – This is why we don’t touch people.
Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, have a family, be an expert, cry convincingly, deliver bad news, be unable to accept bad news, probably be the focal point of a conspiracy, populate towns.
Things Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, provide and clarify exposition.
Main Street – English actors fake Southern accents
Things White People Get to Do: Fake an American accent, come up with a plan, be taken advantage of by the boss, be savvy about the boss, believe a stranger, be troubled, look out for the troubled, work in an office.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: Believe a stranger.
Warrior – Fighting!
Things White People Get to Do: have tattoos, cage fight, announce fights, reconnect with parents, gamble, join the military, lose a home, offer help, make up for lost time, walk around the house in matched undies and undershirt, throw tires around, be an adorable father, kiss the girl, be a war hero, cheer supportability, go head to head.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk through frame, lose a fight
I Don’t Know How She Does It – Whaaa?? A woman has a job and a life???!?!?
Things White People Get to Do: Have a career AND a family and be totes supes adorbs about it.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Straw Dogs – Small Town Life is Murdery
Things White People Get to Do: Watch old movies, be in old movies, be way too aggressive, terrorize innocents, be a cheerleader, have sex, have a nice date, disrespect their partners, sexually harass women, fight back against bullies, go to church, rise to the challenge, wield a tire iron, use boiling water effectively.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Drive – Ryan Gosling is hot. And dangerous. And hot.
Things White People Get to Do: be really good at driving, set up dirty deals, be mobsters, live in a big city, meet guys in elevators, be a stunt person, be a loving single mom, get their hands on more money than they were expecting, kiss the girl, bash someone’s head in, wear freaky masks, slit some throats, be the dad the dad couldn’t be.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be a felon.
Abduction – It’s the Bourne movies, just with a werewolf teen
Things White People Get to Do: Experience an existential crisis, wrestle, host and attend pool parties, have an iPad, discover their past, illegally adopt children, fight like they do in the Bourne movies, be a rogue weapon, be the center of controversy, threaten teenagers, have sweet cars, ride trains,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Dolphin Tale – Well, it’s a less porntastic title than Free Willy
Things White People Get to Do: Find tailless dolphin, believe in the tailless dolphin, provide a parallel storyline by having a badly wounded leg, hug awkwardly
Things Not-White People Get to Do: Be Morgan Effing Freeman, walk past a van
The Double- Richard Gere isn’t who he says he is.
Things White People Get to Do: Murder, be murdered, be powerful, be a smarty pants, throw down a challenge, become obsessed, have a family, be a threat, be level headed, be either a schizo madman or a brilliant strategist.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: swivel in a chair.
Killer Elite -Transporter 11?
Things White People Get to Do: get people “ready for this,” sport that awesome Clive Owen accent, punch, kick, make a chair fly with awesome glute action, get felt up in a pool.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: give advice.
Machine Gun Preacher – White People to the Rescue–Now With Heavy Artillery!!
Things White People Get to Do: have regret, stand in underwear, beg for help, get baptized, have a change of heart, save black people, make amends.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be poor in Africa, be Freedom Fighters, be in a refugee camp, wield machine guns, try to kill the white guy, burn down a village.
Moneyball – He’s not in this movie, but have you seen how thin Jonah Hill is now??
Things White People Get to Do: run a baseball team, kick ass at their first job, change the game, have a family, sport some pretty obvious product placement, scare the intern.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: not be able to read the information on a vending machine, sit behind Brad Pitt, sit next to Jonah Hill.
50/50 – Cancer sucks.
Things White People Get to Do: be a best friend, cope as best they can, diagnose disease, provide therapy, be a supportive family, be a surprisingly cool old man, provide dubious support, go to bars.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a – this is especially exciting because one of the people who was closest to me dealt with this and I, not knowing what to do, ended up acting as the partner giving dubious advice that was meant to be playfully endearing. Glad to know that I definitely wasn’t acting like an RBP. Apparently, I was acting like Seth Rogan.
Dream House -Wait, isn’t this the same schtick in the Richard Gere movie??
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have sex, suspect something is wrong, be creepy townies, be bad neighbors, not know who they are, ride trains, relax in a bath, look like the kids from The Shining.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk through a door.
What’s Your Number? – Okay, I kinda heart Anna Faris even if she did have plastic surgery.
Things White People Get to Do: date, stand in underwear, look for love, be a puppeteer, be delightfully awkward, make deep, personal insights,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: provide advice, be a rocket scientist, be gay, attend a lovely wedding.
Wait?? A silly, floppy comedy is the movie that’s brave enough to risk putting of color ppl in real roles?
Dirty Girl – Southern Gals are Sassy!
Things White People Get to Do: be Southern, feather their hair, promote abstinence, push the envelope, be preggers, assign homework, have a good family, have a bad family, discover family secrets, drop a flour baby on its head, run away, dance with ribbons.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Ides of March – This Just In: Politicians Lie
Things White People Get to Do: fly in private planes, be sure of themselves, recruit promising young people, make a difference, be a good candidate, be a bad candidate, make good deals, make bad deals, demand loyalty, wear suits, get in over their head.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: stand next to George Clooney.
Real Steel -Robots Fight in a Plot That Doesn’t Look Thin at All
Things White People Get to Do: recognize how the fight has changed, make robots, place bets, win some, lose some.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: announce a fight, attend fights.
The Big Year – Men Make a Bucket List Competitive
Things White People Get to Do: have a big house, have a great job, be angsty at family, go skiing, compete with each other, see the world, make up for lost time.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: set up a Jack Black joke, sit in front of Owen Wilson, set up another Jack Black joke.
Father of Invention – You Had Me at “White” Collar Crime
Things White People Get to Do: commit white collar crimes, be embarrassed about their family, expect the best, discover the worst, fall from grace, climb back up again, sing, make coffee, shine a light on other characters, be behind the times, play Rock Band.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: marry a super hot gal while her husband is in prison.
Fireflies in the Garden – I Haven’t Seen a Firefly Since College!
Things White People Get to Do: be abusive, be abused, accidentally kill someone, be EMTs, process the past, write a tell all, have loving catch phrases, do the best with what they have.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Footloose – Are They Gonna Keep that Awkward Dancing By Himself Scene?
Things White People Get to Do: Live in a small town, live in a big town, have a family, be in positions of authority, have attitude, drive cars, make rules, challenge the rules, date, play chicken with school buses, tempt a train.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be one of the guys, play sports, be in the crowd, deliver high fives.
Trespass -Nick Cage Has an Academy Award
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have an amazing house, have a secret vault, stage an elaborate break in, be brutal, lie, cheat, steal, take big risks.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Margin Call – I totally chatted up Zack Quinto during Star Trek. We were basically besties.
Things White People Get to Do: work on Wall Street, get fired, keep working, go over the figures, place blame, dump stocks, go to strip clubs, empathize for the commoners, ride elevators, set into motion events that change America for a good long time.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: sit at a desk in the background.
The Three Musketeers – I’m not sure that tripod weapon existed back then. Or the spiky ball thing.
Things White People Get to Do: Sport dashing period costumes, fence beautifully, be clergy, be commoner, be captivating, create amazing dirigibles,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
In Time -Hey! It’s the Guy From Big Bang Theory!
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be stunning, be rich, be blue collar, make an important trade, owe someone their life–literally, ask people to look inside themselves, lead a revolution.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk behind Cillian Murphy, walk through scene at a party, deliver a line of exposition, sit behind Cillian Murphy, be grateful for a gift.
The Rum Diary – Johnny Depp drinks a lot, is still adorable.
Things White People Get to Do: be a disaster, be a tough boss, be an adorable ex-pat, find creative solutions to problems, find the one white gal on the island, populate a yacht, make innuendo, hallucinate, print papers, be unafraid of death by car, shower.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: populate Puerto Rico, practice voodoo.
Tower Heist – I love you, Ben
Things White People Get to Do: Be the boss of the staff, be the staff, commit financial crimes, come up with a plan to get the bad guy, vocalize the need for a criminal, have asthma, disrespect the little guy.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: recognize racial disparity, be the staff, be locked up for non-savvy crimes, tutor people on how to rob, hit on the other black person in the movie.
A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas – Umm, this movie has two minority leads. There’s no way it can be interesting/marketable/worth the time. Sheesh!
Jack and Jill – Men in Drag are always hilarious
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be rude, come over for dinner, hurt a horse, adopt a kid, have a cat, get hit on by Al Pacino, re-live youth, break the laws of physics on a jet ski.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: work in an office.
Melancholia – The End of The World Set to Soothing Music
Things White People Get to Do: get married, have access to a giant sundial, toast, be grumpy, ride horses, be unsatisfied, balletically prepare for the end of days.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn – Hmm. I thought we were done with these
Things White People Get to Do: show off their trapezius, send a letter, get a letter, morph, get married (aren’t they like 14??), go to Brazil, kiss a lot, expect us to believe that a belly that tiny could hold a baby.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be in a wheelchair
A Dangerous Method – Keira Knightley does a bunch of accents. And her doctor.
Things White People Get to Do: answer questions, ask questions, ride in carriages, dress beautifully, be crazy, try new procedures, hide from sex get laid, have a gorgeous boat, face temptation.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Hugo – The Spirit of Christmas Embodies a Cyborg
Things White People Get to Do: be a sweet dad, be a loved son, have a dog, run from authority, be all mysterious, make friends with a robot, enjoy miracles.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – No one mentions that cheese kanji she has on her ankle. She thinks it says “love.” It doesn’t. Ahh, college.
Things White People Get to Do: investigate, have dinners, live in cold climates, be part of the crowd, grow ill, come to the end of their ropes, keep searching.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
War Horse -You’ll Cry.
Things White People Get to Do: fall in love with nature, defend their homes, run through town, practice excellent riding posture, draw very well, grow up, tell their story.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Whew! I was worried that I was going to see examples of myself in various and interesting situations. But luckily, I’ve been reminded that being of color is just not that interesting. Why else would of color folks be kept out of the canon of one of the most powerful industries going?
I’d say this was no big deal and that I and others might accept my blackness anyway. But the repetition of images (or the omission of images) is pretty much what the entire advertising industry is based on. So I guess a message is definitely getting across.
And thank God for it! I have spent way too much money relaxing my hair for it to be otherwise!
Apparently, some sports season is winding down and/or another one is winding up. Something about brackets? I’m not sure. I just know that there’s been more talk of teams around the office and the group emails from my college alumni group are starting to be full of lots of ticket swap talk.
Unofortch, no one is anteing tix to see these fellas play.
I really wish I got the sports thing. I think this is the one only-child trait that I hang on to. I’m not overly selfish. I can play well with others. I don’t mind sharing. But I just don’t understand team sports. I remember standing on the volleyball court in school and thinking “So…did you want to handle this or do you want me to? There’s like 6 of us. Are we really all needed, because I have some arpeggios to practice if you’re good.”
HOW many people does it take to get a ball over a net?? The ball's not heavy, the net's not that high, just have that one gal toss it over, done!
You’d think I would have absorbed something useful about sports by now. I am, after all, from Texas, where football is a very big deal. And because I was extra cool, I was in marching band in both high school and college. So I went to a LOT of football games.
Yup. I sported that outfit. Proudly. Go LHB!!
But the things I most looked forward to had nothing to do with the game. In high school, we were allowed to take the boxes our hats came in into the stands with us to store our bright, white feathered plumes before and after the half-time performance. But you know what else those boxes could hold? Calculus and French text books!!! I was always so happy to have an extra four hours to work on homework, that I generally forgot to watch the field.
In college, my favorite part of the game was right after the half-time show when we would get applause and apples. They’d pass around this box of fruit and it was just delicious!! I mean, I think I was supposed to be happy that one of our players won a Heisman or something and that I got to see him play every week. But those apples were like the best apples ever.
There are a few general reasons why I can’t get on board with team sports:
I hate seeing men cry. I mean, I love it when men are emotionally avail, but it just breaks my heart to see them cry.
It's okay, little soldier. I'm here. I'm right here.
And guys often cry after losing a game. They’d try not to, but through their clenched lips and stern looks, you could see tears just welling up and them doing that not-blinking thing so that the tears wouldn’t actually fall. I’m misting up now just thinking about it.
I put things in perspective. A friend was lamenting the fact that the Buffalo Bills have lost four Superbowls and thus people make fun of them. And I’m like “But they WENT to the Superbowl!! They made it there!! I can’t get to the Superbowl. That’s a serious accomplishment.” Apparently, just making it to the SB isn’t quite good enough. I’m a giant perfectionist and I still don’t get that.
I can’t stand to see people get hurt. I’m a huge baby when it comes to other people’s pain. My roommate once broke his toe in front of me and I had to call a doctor because I was the one who passed out.
And when it comes to specific sports, there’s just too many things that don’t make sense.
Baseball: You get in trouble for doing the right things. In the spirit of “okay, maybe I can learn to like this,” I played softball once a couple of years ago. I was up to bat. The pitch came toward me and I steeled myself for the contact. Dug my toe into the dirt, rotated back and CRACK!!! I hit the ball really high and really far. It was super impressive flying into the sun like that. Like a bird. A round, wingless birdie.
Like a kiwi! Only I'd never hit a kiwi with a bat. Even to give it the gift of flight.
And then I got OUT!!! Excuse me?? I just did something GOOD. I just demonstrated a serious piece of timing, strength and coordination and you PUNISH me for it??
Fuck that!
I haven’t played since.
Soccer: Thought I was gonna like this one because they don’t stop the clock. Yay! A night, tight 90-minute game with nice, tight bodies running up and down the field. Low scoring, but that’s okay… until they do that bullshit kick off at the end!
I don’t remember what the score was, but at this match I went to in Australia, apparently, the judge or ref or officials or whatever didn’t care what it was. These players had just exhausted themselves and instead of going with what was on the scoreboard, they had a kick off where the first one to make a goal won the whole effing game! What?? Why not just do that at the beginning if you don’t care about the effort that went into it? Sheesh!
I'm sorry, was I complaining about something? I suddenly got distrac---
Basketball: Too many points. If it’s that easy to get points, it’s just doesn’t seem challenging. I would like it better though, I think if the guys went back to wearing those shorty shorts that they used to.
No surprise that the sports I do like are individual events. And super white.
Tennis: I played when I was in school. Classy, simple, elegant. And if you’re a girl, you get to have fun making the audience feel like pervs when you vocalize your impacts and efforts.
exactly how I looked when I played in school. Perhaps explains why I never went pro.
Equestrian Things: Who doesn’t want to have something and powerful between their legs? Seriously, though, horses are wonderful and they can fly!
Lindy Hop: If you think swing dancing isn’t an athletic pursuit, you clearly haven’t seen this video.
Tissu: Just getting into this now. First class is this weekend. Went to Cirque a couple of weeks ago. Squealed like a little kid throughout. Signed up for a class. Have clearly overestimated my hand and shoulder strength, flexibility, stamina and comfort with heights, but looking forward to it!
If I get into this position, I will never get out.
The dating site that I torture myself with on the regular use has a fun feature that’s perfect for wasting otherwise perfectly productive hours of your day figuring out if you and your potential match agree on any number of things.
What? You're kidding? You ALSO like David Sedaris and Love, Actually? Shut up! AND you're just as comfortable at home as your are at a bar, let's do it!
They have what appears to be billions of multiple choice questions that ask everything from the relationship-related “Do you want kids,” to the weird “Would you be uncomfortable if a pet saw your masturbating” to the patriotic “Do you believe that people have a civic duty to vote,” to the under-nuanced “What do you think is the best way for the government to handle the budget,” to the playful “would you rather make out in a tent or in Paris.”
And then there was this question. And I knew I shouldn’t have answered it because it was only going to make me sad. But it was 11 p.m. and I had half a glass of wine in me, so I answered it anyway.
He told me it was going to be a bad date. I should have listened.
“Do you think that women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved.”
I said no.
Guess who said yes. Every. Single. Guy.
Now, here’s the thing that I wonde–an OBLIGATION? An OBLIGATION is what happens when someone pays your or blackmails you. An OBLIGATION comes when you give birth to someone or accidentally kill their pet. An OBLIGATION comes after you swear a blood or Hippocratic oath.
An OBLIGATION does not allow for one to take into effect things like skin sensitivity or time constraints or the desire not to waste water or ‘oh whatever I’m wearing pants to work anyway, I’ll get to this later’ or yes, i’ll just spend extra $$$ on tools to alter my body so that I look as much like a preteen as possible.
All that being said, I totes shave. But still. An OBLIGATION?
What do you think? Do women have an obligation to behave thusly? What else are women obligated to do? And who wrote that contract? What about the guys–what must they do to their bodies to be dateable? Let us know in the comments!
…And then read about the hubbub that soon followed.
What on earth is offensive about this? Black men with goatees and natural hair are totes uncivilized. I mean just look at these cretins.
Imagine waking up to that mess every day. Barf!
They're only giving him that award so he'll stop shooting up ho's.
Guess who's NOT coming to dinner...that is the guy from that movie, right?
shameful
Sure he was smart and classy enough to say this quote: "I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence. " But jeez! You think he'd have enough sense to not look so ridic when he said it.
If the rumors are true, potential black ad exec, you, sir, are my hero. I have been trying to explain this simple concept for like ever! RBP are scrrrry! I have been working to put this in words for years now. Thank you for putting into easy-to-understand pictures.
Equally smart are the differences between the white version of this ad and the Oreo-tastic one. Of which, there are 3.
The white corpse face is actually a lot more unkempt than the black one and also doesn’t have eyeballs. This makes it more extreme and less human looking. It really does look like he’s playing with Buffalo Bills’ leftovers.
The RBP face is angry…you know, like RBP are. And has eyes, so it actually looks like a person–the kind of person that with the help of God and all the angels, I will never be.
Also, you didn’t say that the white dude was uncivilized, just that he looked messy. Good call on calling out the black guy’s entire character, while understanding that when a white person looks like they were beaten to death with the unkempt stick, that it’s just a bad day.
Yup. Three.
And look, I get it. You have way too much to do than consider the potential ramifications of the images you are creating and asking society to get on board with. I’m sure that between you, your team, the artists who did the concept art, all of your assistants and production personnel, the executives at Nivea itself, their production team, the photographer and the team who took these photos and the digital artists who made it all pretty, you just don’t have enough time to say “hmmm, I wonder if this is sending a weird message.”
I mean, I barely had time to type that and I’m no where near the busy-ness level of a big time ad mogul. And as we discussed in this video, people just have too much shiz to do to worry about EVERY LITTLE THING they say or do.
Thanks again for keeping the Oreo fight going!!
Have an awesome weekend. Maybe I’ll see you at the club?
PS. Do NOT worry about all the flack over this. You’re in good company! Here are some other ads that got their creators in trouble when they just shouldn’t have!
Love,
TheOreoExperience
Here’s the Dove ad that turns you into a pretty white chick if you’re unfortunate enough to start off a a cute black girl. Look how nice the blonde is! Who wouldn’t want to be her?
Here’s Sony explaining how neat it was that their PSP now comes in white.
Here’s documentary by Klondike about a woman who married the biggest douchebag in creation reminding us how horrible it is to have to listen to women talk. But the good news is that you get a shiny ice cream if you can endure for just a few nut-crushing seconds.
Folks got all in a tizzy because Dolce & Gabanna dared to show women what we might wear right before being roofied and invited to the local gangbang.
And Nike was good remind us that while athletes can be lauded for their dedication to perfection, their endurance, their years of focus, determination and self-sacrifice, if they’re a lady, we can always applaud them for something else! (Oh and women are happy to work out because they LOVE SHOPPING!!!!–read the text if you don’t believe it’s true).
And poor Burger King got raked across the coals for clarifying where the sandwich goes?
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What do you think? Are ads like this too much? Or just what we need to keep the self loathing in place?
The race-tastic period drama The Help opened this week and is on its way toward cementing what has been an unofficial film genre for years: The “White People to the Rescue” movie.
Besties.
(I did try coming up with a better name for this class of film, but nothing really worked… “Benevolent Colonialist” “Minorities Really Need Help” “Period Film that Obliterates the Agency of People of Color.” Suggestions are welcome).
The Help joins films like The Blind Side, Radio, The Soloist, Avatar, Dances with Wolves, The Last Samurai, Finding Forrester, Hancock, Wildcats, The Gridiron Gang, Friday Night Lights and even Transformers 2 (in that movie, the black Autobots were the only ones in the species who couldn’t f*cking read) to remind us how crappy being of color is and how those unlucky enough to not sunburn really need someone of Irish/Welsh/Polish/freckled descent to save them from that fate.
All movie genres have specific rules that must be followed. Westerns must be leisurely paced and take place in wide open spaces. Thrillers must misdirect. The Saw and Hostel movies must make you uncomfortable, not because of what’s on screen, but because someone thought up that shit in the first place. Comedies must feature a bunch of douchebags behaving unredeemably, but still getting impossibly hot girls in the process. Chick-flicks must make being a single female look like a fate worse for a character then ending up in the Hostel franchise.
Kill them, monkey. I'll never tell.
White People to the Rescue movies have their own rules, too. So if you’re wondering if what you’re watching is a WPTTR movie or just a thinly-written drama, bring this FAQ along to help you suss it out.
Whoa! There are minorities in titular roles in this film. Dose that make it a WPTTR movie?
There are black people in the movie, but mostly white people in the audience. Is this a WPTTR movie?
Likely so. Movies that are actually about RBP are scary and intimidating. I’m sure that when BoyzinDaHOoD (that’s how you spell it, right?) came out, there were drive-bys in the theater. White people have learned to stay away.
Wait, I thought WPTTR movies were about black people?
Incorrect. Black people (or Native Americans or the Na’vi or Latino kids who just want to DANCE!) in WPTTR movies are really just foils for non-colored protagonists.
Not those kinds of foils. But man, I would love to watch a good fencing movie!
The Help is about Skeeter figuring out how to become a famous writer by making black ladies very uncomfortable (but it’s for their own good!!). Avatar is about Sam Worthington turning out to be a better Na’vi than all the other Na’vi. But we need to see the Na’vi so that we understand how deficient they are at being what they are. Dances With Wolves is about Kevin Costner getting a sweet Native muffin basket because he’s just way cooler than her boring-ass Sioux family and friends who didn’t try to genocide her people. The Blind Side is about Sandra Bullock learning that she is as awesome as she thought she was because she forced a kid who didn’t have a natural proclivity for football into being an NFL star while making him neglect developing other academic skills that might serve him well when his body explodes from weekly poundings.
That last sentence sounded kind of sexual. “Weekly poundings?” Did you really mean to say that?
Look, I just ate two donuts. I’m a little distracted by the high of the sugar rush and the guilt of gluttony.
Two donuts? Did you really need both of them?
Yes.
The villain in this movie seems layered. Is this a WPTTR movie?
No. While audiences often enjoy a challenging bad guy who seems like they actually have a point to make, that is not the case in WPTTR movies. These movies often deal with very icky themes like racism and colonialism and those are uncomfortable. So the villain has to be created in such a way as to make it seem like those things don’t happen anymore. Their racism has to be blind, bold and violent.
In The Help, for example, bad-girl Hilly sounds stupid and mean when she suggests that black people have different diseases than whites and that’s why they need separate but equal bathrooms. And she is beyond cruel when she smiles after seeing a black lady get beaten with great big sticks. Also, she needlessly says variations on the n-word as awkwardly as possible.
“Great big sticks?”
Not an innuendo.
Why shortchange audiences from having interesting villains?
Because if racism looks like how it does in these movies, then obviously, no one is racist or even prejudiced at all even a little bit. No reasonable person is going to cop to relating to the baddies in these movies.
If the racism in these movies were subtle or obscured by policy, semantics or tradition as crazy commie liberals say that it is in real life, it might cause audiences to wonder if their prejudices are worth examining. And no one wants to pay $14 to feel guilty about something. These donuts, par example, were free.
Goodness! The herorine/hero in this movie is a real hottie/sweet piece of man-ass! And they seem to be going on an emotional arc where they learn to be a better person. Is this a WPTTR movie?
No. Though one of the basic tenants of screenwriting is that your protagonist must…protagonate (ie. learn something and change because of it) over the course of the story, they MUST NOT DO THIS in a WPTTR movie. In The Help, Skeeter starts off headstrong, confident and not racist. And she ends…headstrong, confident and not racist.
Likewise, main characters usually have to overcome one of their own issues and have some sort of comeuppance in order to protagonate in the first place. This bit of storytelling is also often omitted in WPTTR movies.
The Help isn’t a story about a woman who believes life to be hunky dory and finds out that it isn’t. She is from the start, not thrilled with the stifling traditions her town is steeped in, so no change there.
This isn’t a story about a woman who thinks she’s being appropriate but learns she’s mean. From go, she’s very nice to her friends maids and remains so throughout the movie.
This isn’t a movie about a woman who’s afraid of something and faces her fear. As soon as we see Skeeter, she’s not afraid to ask for a job, a high-level writing assignment or to blow off a potential boyfriend.
What did you say?!?!?
“Off!” I said “blow OFF” her potential boyfriend.
My bad, I was really distracted. That donut business sounded like a good idea. I’m on my third.
Did you really need three?
Yes.
Fair enough.
Om nom nom. What were you saying about Skeeter?
Right! She suffers no consequences for putting the maids in an awkward situation and doesn’t actually grow or change as a person because she is for all intents and purposes, an already awesome person.
Looks good, doesn't it?
Okay, fine, but surely that doesn’t happen in The Blind Side, Dangerous Minds, Avatar or Dances with Wolves?
Sandy B. is headstrong, confident and not racist. And she ends…headstrong, confident and not racist.
Michelle Pfeiffer is headstrong, confident and not racist. And she ends…headstrong, confident and not racist.
Sam Worthington starts out giving a shit about the Na’vi and ends the movie still giving a shit about the Na’vi, only now he’s better than all of them.
You didn’t mention DWW.
I know, I think we get the point.
Hmmm, what about the good looking part? You forgot about that.
Oh right!
All of this spectacular sense of self is wrapped up in an attractive, but not tooooooo attractive package so that no one is intimidated by her looks. While Emma Stone, Sandra Bullock and Michelle “MS Word will correct the spelling of my last name for you” Pfeiffer are lovely, they are not treated like the untouchably gorgeous heroines of other movies. So they seem like everyday folk. Which makes ladies feel like they could be those ladies and dudes feel like they’d actually have a chance. Audiences like to feel good about themselves.
Is it weird that I think Ben Stiller is one of the sexiest men in Hollywood?
No. Not at all. And I will fight you to the death for him.
I want to eat his face off.
This movie has white people, but also a protagonist of color. Is it a WPTTR movie?
No. Having a main character of color will basically turn a nice period piece into a Tyler Perry joint.
Wait, you’ve spoken pretty completely about some specific deets in The Help. Did you…actually go watch it?
Of course!!! Regular viewing of WPTTR movies reminds Oreos why we try so hard to escape our dark fate. I can’t wait for the Criterion edition!
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Have you seen The Help? Did you read the book? Are you going to? Let us know what you think of the film, the genre, the handsome Mr. Stiller or anything else in the comments!
Next on my list of ways to procrastinate instead of just writing the pages that I’m supposed to hand over to people tomorrow (sorry, M and J!) is to make a playlist of songs that I love…but that also make me cry a little bit.
I’ve already exhausted watching episodes of the BBC hit “How Clean is Your House,” making my own bathroom cleanser from scratch, annoying my cats and convincing myself not to go to the Cicada Club tonight (is anyone going to the Cicada Club tonight?). So this iTunes journey seems like the next best thing.
Here’s what I have so far! These are some of the songs that will cause me to show up for 8:30 a.m. production meetings with smudged mascara because I couldn’t just had to listen to them as I pulled into the parking lot at work.
Tom Waits – San Diego Serenade. This song gets five out of five tear stains. Just so lovely and evocative and simply lyriced.
Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah. All of the versions of this song make me just want to slit my wrists they’re so gorgeous. But this one is the first one I heard. That’s not true. The first one I heard was done by a men’s a capella group from an Ivy League College. This is the second one I heard. And it is glorious!
Tim Minchin – If I Didn’t Have You. This is one of my favorite pieces of art ever. It sounds flippant at first, but then is just wow. Poignant and lovely and true. Also, he’s an Ozzie, so he pronounces the word “drama” as “dramer” which is equally as awesome as the song.
This Song from Next to Normal – Maybe. If you haven’t seen this play. See it, but be prepared to develop a drinking problem immediately afterwards. It’s beautiful, but depressing as eff.
Elaborate Lives from Aida. I know, there’s a black person in this video. But she’s dating a white dude, so it’s all good. Also, she’s Heather Headley who is hands down amazing. And she GETS TO KISS ADAM PASCAL. I would probably give every thing that I’ve ever owned or will to re-make this video with Adam. He did touch my shoulder once. I know he thought it was as special as I did. There are 46,000 views of this video. I’m pretty sure that 45,900 are mine .
Part of Your World. Yup. A song about a girl dreaming to be something she’s not. How could that not move this Oreo to tears?
Also, the lyric “…How many wonders can one cavern hold…” Am I the only one who thinks that’s secretly dirty?
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What songs make you tear up? Let us know in the comments!
I’m not shy to admit to some of the… less refined films that I enjoy.
Two Weeks Notice will always get me out of a funk. Zoolander makes me melt. I’m pretty sure that My Best Friends’ Wedding did something silly like “make me believe in love again.” I recently paid more than I should have to download my own personal copy of The Core. And this VHS copy of the operetta Amahl and the Night Visitors is a holiday must see for me!
That's right! THIS happens in The Core. Thanks to the stopped rotation of the Earth's core, a lightning storm turns the STONE Colisuem into a giant electrical conductor!! How can you not love a film with balls like that!
There’s something to be said for bad movies. They’re like old old friends who keep you company. Your favorite lines become inside jokes and you always know what to expect. In that way, they’re not really bad at all. They may not be good, but they’re good to you. It’s like a functionally codependent relationship without the having to explain why you still haven’t broken up to your friends who roll their eyes whenever they see you together.
I’m not saying that I’m adding the movie I watched this weekend to the bad=good list. But I am saying that I got that little knot in my gut that happens when I care about what’s going on on screen.
For various reasons, including a very serious food coma that rendered me unable to do much else besides lay there and take it, I found myself putting a copy of Disney’s 1993 inspiring sports movie Cool Runnings.
Yep. That Cool Runnings.
You remember this movie, right? Jamaican bobsled team led by John Candy to Olympic fame and stardom? Lots of bright colors, dreds and exclamations of “Ya Mon!”
This movie should not have made me cry!
And it totally did.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!! (I know I’m 18 years late to this party, but hey, you never know who hasn’t seen it).
After lots and lots of setbacks and victories, the Jamaican team is finally in a place where they, with their small amount of experience, big hearts and rickety bobsleigh might actually win this thing!! They’ve won over the hearts and minds of the originally-skeptical crowd. They’ve made their parents love them again. The whole of Jamaica (or at least the whole of this one bar in Jamaica) is waiting with held and baited breath to see what happens when the four men get into their bobsled for one. Last. Race.
And then the unthinkable happens.
As they race around the track at breakneck speeds, their sled pops a screw and breaks. It slams into the wall of the track, flips onto its side and drags the helpless Jamaicans across the hard, unfeeling ice before running out of steam and into a wall.
That’s also when TheOreoExperience realizes she has tears in her eyes.
I also realize I have a cat in my bed staring me in the face wondering why I'm crying and why she hasn't been fed in the last five minutes. She doesn't look like this, but has kind of the same terrifyingly intense look.
I KNOW what’s going to happen. I KNOW that everyone’s gonna be okay. You’re not just gonna murder your four main characters and roll the credits at the end of a Disney family film.
But it still got me.
The shot lasts just long enough to make you think that Disney is about to betray the eff out of your relationship with them and make these guys not be okay. There’s a shot of the finish line that shows that they were so so so close to what they thought they wanted. And there’s a slow clap when they stand up and walk their sled across the line.
A part of me slow-clapped, too. (At least on the inside)
To the actors for bringing emotion enough to their faces and voices to off set 89 other minutes of “Ya Mon!” and “Kiss my lucky egg!” To the director for wrangling a moment of real feeling in an easy-to-phone-in family film. And to the writer for crafting the world in the first place. And to humanity for being moved by moments like this at all. (The film made $70 million, which back in ’93, was, I think, pretty good. At any rate, it made 4 times its money back)
The awful truth is that I’m all squishy on the inside, terribly romantic and really love that writing words down and/or putting them up on screen can make people feel anything at all. It’s kind of a neat gift and one I am very thankful for being able to do and experience.
That or that food coma was more intense than I thought and this was all part of some insulin-crash-inspired third-life crisis.
So, apologies to any future progeny** for getting all teary at Hotel for Dogs 6 and waxing poetic about its implications on the wonderfulness of the human condition.
** For the record, I am not expecting any progeny now… possibly ever. Carrying around a tiny creature that poops inside of you? No thank you!
The Oreo Experience 
