Month: June 2010

Mood: Disco-tastic!

Shiny! Sexy! Soothing!

I came home late last night to the glorious sounds of the Bee Gees BLASTING from my across the street neighbor’s house. Sure it was 1 a.m. and the fact that  the music was loud to me as I unlocked my front door 30 yards away from the source of the sound, but it was the Bee Gees! And you must rock that shit!

What a great way to end my long day, with the sweet sounds of tight, three part Manchesterian harmony!

Also: What to do when the music isn’t this good! Learn to sing a favorite Oreo song!

My Head’s All Spinny

I don’t know what it is about spin class that makes me clearly delusional.

I start off feeling all frumpy and gross in my sweats…as I think one is meant to feel in front of an ever-peppy instructor with thighs that don’t touch and happy faces on her bike shoes. I’m less than plussed about biking in front of this mirror because I can see all the wrong, wobbly bits.

But then, something happens.

I don’t know if it’s hearing Harder, Faster, Better, Stronger on the warm up, Helena on the uphill or heck, Mickey on the cool down downhill, but by the end, with the endorphins racing, I look in the mirror and think that I should be rocking a runway without even showering. 

Does this happen to anyone else? This weird sense of I can do anything post workout? Am I not breathing from my diaphragm, so it’s just the asphyxiation setting in? Whatever it is, I wish I could bottle it. Anyone know how?

Int. WhitePal’s Apartment – Day

WhitePal: (singing, soflty) …there’s blood all over my toaster..

OreoWriter: Well, you are making English muffins all wrong, then.

WP: What?

OW: I’m sorry,  was it that pumpernickel? It was pretty dry.

WP: Was what what?

OW: Why are you bleeding on your toaster?

WP: It’s from a song, it’s not a toaster…it’s a “toaster.” C’mon, I bet even you can get this. What do you think a toaster is slang for?

OW: Well, if it follows the logic of cockney rhyming slang–

WP: Of course it doesn’t.

OW: Okay…toaster…I don’t…

WP: C’mon, stay with me. Something powerful….intimidating….strong…

OW: The climax of Spring Awakening!

WP: That doesn’t even make sense. How could you even get blood on that?

OW: You’ve obviously never seen the climax of Spring Awakening. Now that, is a toaster!

Want more WP/OW banter? See them misunderstood because of the cell phone law , enjoying contemporary music or dancing at a mis-pitched engagement party.

And in case you want to hear the horrible, horrible song on which this conversation was predicated.  You can let your ears bleed out by clicking here.

Left, Right and Children – Everyone helps to make more Oreos!

You know how worried I am that in post-racial America, I don’t have to spend nearly $200 a pop to get my hair straight or to not let anyone see me watching Waiting to Exhale on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

But thanks to Bill, Bill and dreamy dreamy Anderson, I know that I am on the right track and that distancing myself from RBP.

Here’s Bill O’Reilly telling a guest he looks like a drug dealer. And Oreo points to the dealer professor for a) going on The O’Reilly factor in the first place b) not being upset and c) adding a terrific punchline

Here’s Bill Maher explaining how the President should handle the oil spill.

And here’s some young Oreos in the making.

(in the spirit of fair and balanced coverage…I did start my career as a reporter, after all…if you click around the CNN page there, there are a handful of varied results…but they’re not all that varied)

Not Racist? You Might Have a Cognitive Disorder.

It’s an interesting day in science when people who are naturally and easily friendly are considered to be deficient.

Everyone getting along? Better get to a doctor!

People with Williams Syndrome are these people.

Williams Syndrome sufferers(?) do not experience social fears that ‘normal’ people do and they make friends much faster than the ‘healthy.’

They’re also not racist. So says researcher Andreia Santos from the University of Heidelberg.

Typically, children start overtly gravitating towards their own ethnic groups from the tender age of three. Groups of people from all over the globe and all sorts of cultures show these biases. Even autistic children, who can have severe difficulties with social relationships, show signs of racial stereotypes. But Santos says that the Williams syndrome kids are the first group of humans devoid of such racial bias, although, as we’ll see, not everyone agrees.

Her experiments consisted of showing children with Williams Syndrome pictures of black people and white people and recording their reactions.

The typical children showed a strong tendency to view light-skinned people well and dark-skinned people poorly. Out of their responses, 83% were consistent with a pro-white bias. In contrast, the children with Williams syndrome only showed such responses 64% of the time, which wasn’t significantly different from chance.

So, if you find yourself totally comfortable with new hires Dwayne and Lakeshia, check yourself. You might be nice…and sick.

Men I Wish Had Been The Milk With My Oreo!

A short list of some interracial lovin’ I would give my squash trophies and my tickets to the Ring cycle to have been a part of. 

1. TJ 

Though variations exist on exactly how Thomas Jefferson came to take Sally Hemings by force loved his slave Sally, their story has been the basis for self loathing for generations and generations. I mean, what is more romantic than giving yourself to your owner because in return for your sexuality he promises to free your children when you die only to have various made for TV miniseries turn that arrangement into pure, unending, Oreo love!

2. Hugh

Hollywood’s cutest British bad boy could have paid to have sex with anyone…but he paid to have sex with a black girl…so it was almost like he paid to have sex with me….and it was very special.

Totally welcome to sample my scones.


3. William is the Shat

Legend has it that there were two takes of this famous first televised interracial kiss. One for the north that showed them going at it thusly. And one for the south that was toned down to avoid riots. Allegedly, there was time to shoot only one of each and (young, hot) Billy sabotaged the censored one, so the whole nation got to see Nichelle Nichols choose Shatner over all the other men in the universe.

5. Adrien

One of the best things about winning an Oscar: getting to kiss whoever you want without asking consent. But it is Adrien. And he is…Adrien. Hell, I wouldn’t kick him off the podium.

5. Adam

Dear guys who invented the frozen, glowing wheel on Lost: Can you make me something like that so I can teleoport into Heather Headly’s body. First, she’s named Heather. Awesome Oreo name. Two, she opened the Oreo-tastic show Aida on Broadway in the late 90s. Third, she got to make out with Adam Pascal, like a bunch of times.

For those of you not as up to date on your B’way stories as I am, a few things to note. a) You may best know Adam for originating the role of Roger in RENT. b) Aida is a must see for any Oreo. Here’s why: Aida, a Nubian princess (okay, that part’s a little cliche) shirks her duties to her family to fall in love with Ramades, an Egyptian.

B’way did us a favor by ignoring Geography and making the Nubians black, but the Egyptians white, neverminding that both countries are in Africa. Had they paid attention to their social studies lessons and made Ramades black, Aida would never have become an Oreo role model. Instead, she would have been an RBP falling for an RBP. But now, she gives up her ethnic life to die in a cave with a white guy.

But yeah…a little death might be a fair trade for getting a little Adam.

Anyone else you think should be on the list?