What are some of the best lines people have used on you? Or that you’ve used on someone else?
Any type you always go for? Never go for? You can be honest, it’s safe here.
self loathing
Looking For a New Name
It’s been called to my attention that some people find the phrase “RBP” (that’s ‘regular black people’ for anyone new to the blog) offensive. Ironically, many of the RBP who find RBP offensive don’t mind using the n-word in casual conversation.
But anyhoo.
Just like affirmative action and Title IX, I’m of the equal opportunity ilk and I’d like to find a phrase that carries the same punch, but stings less. I’ve listed some suggestions below. Please vote on them to let me know what works.
What do you think? Any other suggestions to add?
You can also share your opinion with other polls!
Going Solo
Just because they put it on doesn't mean you have to move to it.
As we have discussed, it is important to be the only person of color in the room at any given time or event. Having more than one of us around can lead to all sorts of miscommunication, embarrassing run-ins and tempt either of you to discuss common race-related issues that might trigger a long latent desire to read some Nikki Giovanni.
But sometimes a room is crowded, dark or split-level. So how do you both determine if there are any of colors in the vicinity and relax enough to proudly show off the pictures from Inverness on your iPhone?
Instead of prowling from corner to corner paper bag testing everyone you come into contact with, just look for a few key things to see if you are safe.
- 1. Other guests never seem to quite finish the sentences: “So…you’re here with…..” or “You must be here to see…….” or “You must know Carol from……..”
- 2. You are at the Viper Room.
- 3. The DJ suddenly changes the music from relatively ambient Slowdive and Neutral Milk Hotel and includes a random cameo like Baby Got Back. Then a dance circle forms around you. Don’t panic, after they see your first perfectly precise box step, they’ll get the idea.
- 4. People ask you oddly practical questions out of the blue like “Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?” “What time does are you closing tonight?” and “Can I give you my coat?”
- 5. You cannot quite find the words to describe your complete and utter sense of relaxation.
First Kanye, Now Essence? More Options for the Oreo!
Take one magazine for black women, add one white fashion editor…ta daa! A new publication for Oreos to love and a media crapstorm!
For those of you who don’t read Essence–and my guess is that if you read this blog, you don’t read Essence–the magazine was once a highly political pub aimed at empowering black women. It’s become more of a fluffy lifestyle piece over the years, but the main goal is still the same: Reach out to RBP women, make them feel good, have them buy cosmetics.
As such, most of the top tier staff at Essence has been black.
Thankfully, that’s changed.
The magazine just hired the decidedly not-black Placas and many RBP are pissed.
But here’s the thing. It’s all kinds of awkward to go into someone’s home and see a magazine that touts ethnic identity as being a worthwhile pursuit. So now that Essence has a better chance of looking like any other fashion magazine, we can all relax. I mean, look how great this cover of Vanity Fair looked. Nevermind that Gabourey Sidibe was a total breakout star, she would have totally fucked up this magazine cover about young breakout stars in Hollywood.
Why put a black woman in a position of creative power at a magazine aimed at a black women when she might bring some icky, uncomfortable verisimilitude to said magazine. A black fashion director for example, would probably never let this romantic, antebellum-themed ad make it into her magazine’s pages and look how cute it is!
The touch, the feel of cotton
I’m sure that her experience in the fashion world makes her more than super qualified to be a magazine’s fashion director. And her experience not being black makes her a great choice to take a magazine that sometimes does the “wahwahI’mblack” into the modern day and have even more people picking up and running with the Oreo flag.
So congrats on the new gig, Ellana! Play your cards right and this Oreo will add a new subscription to keep her Harper’s and Horse and Hound company!
Other reasons the media is an Oreo’s friend: If you’re pretty and brown, you might be a terrorist, RBP in the movies can’t be wizards or go on dates, and is Tyler Perry, a sworn Oreo enemy actually an Oreo in disguise?
What do you think of the Essence sitch? Does it matter that a not-black person is directing a black fashion magazine? Are historical issues over and done with enough that fashion is an equal-opportunity self-loathing machine (even white girls have a hard time shedding as many curves as it takes to be a supermodel, I’m guessing). Are specialty magazines passe, out of vogue?
Roots
First, let me say that as a good Oreo, I’ve only seen enough of Roots to know I don’t want to see the rest. Slavery, your name is Toby, wahwahbad, I get it.
But this weekend, after a family get together in Vegas, I discovered some interesting tidbits about my roots (other than the fact that I do need another relaxer soon). I learned that I am the niece of a Republican, of the inventor of a computer system that helps guide the F16 and of a champion cross country skier.
Clearly, I come by my Oreodom honestly.
Unfortunately, I did also find out that I am the granddaughter of a session musician for Duke Ellington and that one of my great uncles was a Tuskegee Airman. Two way ethnic occupations. Eh, we can’t all have perfect pedigrees. I’ll just make sure I frame the skier’s photos more prominently.
This is my great Uncle Lt. Andrew D. Marshall (the ethnic one). This picture is in the Smithsonian and was taken after he was shot down over Greece. Even though 'Tuskegee Airman' just screams ethnic...it's still pretty cool.
What fun stuff is hanging from your family tree?
What Chili Wants – To Hurt Me, Apparently
How dare VH1 do this to me?
Oh, Chili, what did I ever do to you?
The network announced a new reality show called “What Chili Wants” featuring Rozonda Thomas, aka, Chilli from TLC. But unlike the network’s usual minstrel show black-themed reality show, Flava of Love, this show will feature Thomas doing not-skeezy/disgusting things and instead, leading a healthy, balanced life.
The cable network synonymous with “Flavor of Love” and its sleazy spin-offs is trading trampiness for fabulousness with a new slate of series starring seemingly well-adjusted rich and famous black Americans. VH1 executive vice president Jeff Olde admits that the shift from oh-no-they-didn’t fare to more mature material is totally intentional.
“We constantly have to evolve and tell our audience different stories,” he says. “I love that we’ve been able to get more diverse with our audience by — in large part — attracting African-American women to the network. We got them in the door with some shows, and now I’m excited about where we’re going and how we’re telling them different kinds of stories.”
For the notoriously trashy VH1, it’s not reality as usual. While cat fights will flare up with the “Basketball Wives” and Chilli promises a tiff with her sassy matchmaker on “What Chilli Wants,” these new shows certainly aren’t selling buzzworthy moments akin to “Flavor of Love” contestants spiting on each other or suddenly defecating on the floor.
Because who doesn’t want to see adults shitting on travertine?
Olde dismisses any past criticisms of “Flavor of Love” and its offspring, mostly produced by 51 Minds Entertainment, by calling the franchise ignited by black rapper Flavor Flav and his multiracial harem “big fun romantic comedies.” (Olde confirms that “I Love Money 3,” featuring murder suspect and suicide victim Ryan Jenkins, as well as the Jenkins-free “I Love Money 4” won’t air.)
Big, fun, romantic comedies? Hmm, I didn’t think that ILM was much like Love, Actually. But maybe I was wrong.
“The new VH1 shows offer a different take on the black reality TV star,” says Imani Perry, a professor at Princeton University’s Center for African American Studies. “These are images of wealthy black families. These shows may potentially be less stereotypic because they present a different, higher status black image.”
And that’s where it gets dicey for Oreos.
Let's face it. I need you, Flav.
Being an Oreo requires constant reminders of what’s wrong with being an RBP. How am I supposed to curse the image in the mirror if major networks stop their usual fare and start showing dreck like Chili’s show?
Also, am I wrong in using context clues to assume that in his first quote, Jeff Olde asserts that VH1 attracted the new viewers of color he mentions with shows like Flava? Is he saying that there’s really no way to get the attention of RBP apart from a 3+ season long parade of important ethnic archetypes like New York having her toes sucked by a thug. I think so. And that’s why I’m an Oreo.
But there is a silver lining:
Bill Graff, an analyst for cable media analysis firm CableU, says the strategy isn’t a surefire winner. While the new shows are targeted to an underserved audience, they require more of an investment from viewers, especially if they don’t care about the personal lives of such B-list celebrities as Chilli and Brandy, or any of those “Basketball Wives.”
“It’s a little bit more of a leap for VH1 viewers than ‘Flavor of Love,’ ‘Rock of Love’ and the other shows,” says Graff. “Anyone who watches VH1 definitely knows and is entertained by Flavor Flav and New York. Anyone who is familiar with hip-hop from the past 25 years knows Pepa from Salt-N-Pepa, but they may not necessarily care about her love life.”
So, the slightly Oreo version of the black reality star might not work? Perfect. Because I have invested a lot of time in my self loathing and I’d hate to see it dashed by changing norms.
CNN Goofs
After a recent segment about a 103-year-old RBP, CNN wrapped the piece by playing the n-word using Coolio song Fantastic Voyage.
The network immediately apologized.
As they should have.
If you’re going to play an RBP off, you have to go whole hog. Don’t wimp out with Coolio. Try a little Soldier Soulja Boy or Luda. The shock from something as gross as Superman or as stupid as Kiss Me Through the Phone or as please-kill-me as My Chick Bad will push us much farther away from the RBP than just one drop of the n-word. (clip below contains it, so if you’re in your cubicle, volume down).
Facebook – now helping your actual, unfortunately colored, face!
I’ve talked before about how much I disagree with skin lightening products like these. In the adverts (ooh, fun British word) for these products, the audience is told that their dingy brown skin is keeping them from a good job/a better apartment/a non-dingy, brown colored lover…ie: happiness.
Um, yeah. That’s kind of a given.
But using skin lightening products is just cheating! The whitening should come from within! It should be your dressage trophies, your extensive Flight of the Conchords collection or your table at French Laundry that makes people think you’re whiter than you are.
Business
Enter facebook. You thought someone not replying to your totally clever status update dinged your self esteem? Well, suck it up and try this! Thanks to an application sponsored, it seems, by Vaseline (a corporation, thankfully, that is large enough to reach millions of people with one commercial) you can see what you’d look like if an Oreo’s wildest dreams came true.
This app lets you upload a picture of yourself, then correct your skin tone to see what you would look like if God were just a tick kinder.
Log on, give it a whirl and let us know how it goes!!
Former ‘Black’ Sport Now Oreo Haven
There was a time when the lauded black athlete was skinny, short, jaunty and not nearly as scary as a basketball player with a grip of guns in a locker room. There was a time when the worst a blacklete could do to you was kick you in the shins and not kill you then make a terrifying reality show post acquittal. When the abused animals in their care weighed 1500 racing pounds instead of 80 fighting ones.
I’m talking about black jockeys.
Between about 1865 and 1900, of color riders dominated the sport. Going to see a race was like watching the NBA finals and black jockeys set impressive records.
Luckily, their legacy was preserved and distilled into a piece of sculpture that you can still sometimes find today. The lawn jockey.
While many lawn jockeys are now painted white, the history of the statue remains in tact.
This makes equestrian events a perfect choice for Oreos. Not only are few to no black riders of note on the circuit, but putting that jaunty outfit will give you the perfect chance to make an on-color joke and assuage the minds of those around you. Because if you can’t laugh at history, what can you do with it?
Looking for other jobs that are good for Oreos? How about shilling for classic American institutions!
See how The Oreo Experience responds to other animals.
or
Check out how horses can help you hook up with an Oreo.
International Need for Oreos
I dug up some journal entries from my trip abroad. Here is one of them.
Dateline: Amsterdam. Even among the pastoral tulip fields and gently twirling windmills, it was impossible to escape the sting of my ethnicity.
I spent some time traveling with a friend to a few cities and here was the conversation I overheard while
I ate my feelings that day. And they were delicious!
waiting on line for dutch pancakes.
Friend: Pardon. Zit hier iemand?
Local: No, the seat’s free.
Friend: Oh, you speak English.
Local: Yeah. Where are you from?
Friend: The states. Los Angeles.
Local: Oh, I hear it’s dangerous there.
Friend: Can be.
Local: Because of the blacks?*
A moment later, I sat down in front of my friend and my new Dutch buddy with a plate of piping hot pannenkoeken. Now, had I not been a practiced Oreo, I would have wanted to pour those piping hot pannenkoeken down the front of my new buddy’s shirt. But, being the Oreo that I am, I supported his point.
Me: Well, you just have to pay attention to where you are. If you come visit, you’ll see. That’s why I moved to Hancock Park.
I could have made him feel suuuper uncomfortable. But instead, I fostered international relations with the right conversation and my appreciation of perfectly pressed pancakes.
*It’s been suggested that I’m making up some of these stories. But no. Really. I’m not.
For other uncomfortable moments I didn’t make up. Check out these posts on phone etiquette, getting out of a parking ticket and talking to kids.
The Oreo Experience 