oreo

The Right Keeps On Keeping Us on the Right Track

A thanks to Conservative personalities for helping Van Jones make the right decision. 

While Jones took steps toward Oreodom by being the President’s environmental advisor (and notvan-jones-washington advising on something more immediate to any minority community like say urban planning or economics), he still had huge hurdles to overcome before fully distancing himself from the burden of his birth. 

Jones was a former community activist in Oakland. Couple that with being in such proximity to a high profile person of color (read: President Obama) and his stay in Washington was pretty much Oreo disaster waiting to happen. 

Jones also took pains to criticize the government after 9-11 — a move that is terribly of color in its concern and healthy skepticism. 

Further thanks goes to the White House itself for not defending Jones’s post-tragedy exercise of free speech. Other top-ranking officials have been fairly silent on the issue and on Sunday, senior advisor David Alexrod praised Jones for leaving his position.

And all of this because our fair skinned friends on the right had the courage to exhibit some tough love and push Jones toward the realization he simply wasn’t coming to. It’s just this kind of support that will help off of us Oreos get to where we need to be. 

Thanks, again ruling class. We’d be lost without ya.

xoxo

Go Cougs!

imagesIt’s Labor Day Weekend and that means it’s time to pack away the vestiges of summer and get ready for fall. The tapered capris are going back in the cedar trunk and out come the argyle cardigans. No more endive and mango appetizers, now it’s baked apples and currants. And the soon to come chilly winds will make it too cold to take out the schooner, so I must find another activity. For that activity, I decided on college football.

While NCAA football may seem like a potentially disastrous choice and very un-Oreo, choosing the right team can catapult your status and lead to even greater acceptance.

Most teams, it goes without saying, are not organizations with which I could associate. Far too many players and fans of color attend sporting events for such events to be safe places for  an Oreo to attend as well.

2647_thumbUnless, of course, you pick the right team. And that is why I am proud to congratulate the Brigham Young University Cougars! The boys in blue pulled out the stops and showed what they were made of when they defeated #3 ranked Oklahoma today AND their team seems to contain almost exclusively players who are as blanched as the whites on their uniforms.

Also, since BYU is a religious school, these kids know a thing or two about wildly disciplined living, the potential for self-loathing and hiding what you need to to fit in.

2648Many players on the BYU team are even married, which means they have taken self-imposed constraints to a whole new level.

So fight on Cougars…for all of us! We’ll see you in Bowl Season.

Crack and AIDS Didn’t Work

…so now they’re trying to kill us off with Type 2 diabetes.

bg_adsYes, food giant McDonald’s has taken on the plight of the person of color and is proving their commitment to the race with a huge web campaign. With rotating banner ads touting basketball, gospel music, Essence Magazine and food that has been “southern fried,” Ray Kroc’s legacy is apparently, keeping it real.

But since nothing will make a person of color hate themselves more than having this website dedicated to them, Oreo numbers should be up in no time. I will ready the coronation boots and see you in Vermont!

And don’t think they missed the chance to show us the truth and remind us what we are all striving for. Check out this list of work opportunities with the company. Notice that only the person sans color is capable of going “beyond management.” It’s moments like this that keep the goal in mind keep our hope alive.

And they love Asians, too! I’ll let you find where they teach users to say “Let’s go do some karaoke.”

Self Loathing for Humans and Non Humans Alike

district_nineIf you haven’t seen District 9, please run to the theater and see it immediately! Not only is the acting phenominal, the script amazing, the effects work outstanding, the phone promo done by yours truly (call 1-866-666-6001 to hear OreoWriter keep humans safe!) but the movie presents a wonderful example of why being an Oreo is so important.

You might worry that a movie that is clearly in part a segregation and apartheid allegory would miss its opportunity to show us how important it is to despise that which we cannot help, but the powers that be did not let us down.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE, DO NOT READ ON UNTIL DOING SO.

REALLY, NORMALLY, I’D SAY GO AHEAD AND SPOIL IT, BUT THIS MOVIE IS ALL KINDS OF AMAZING, SO COME BACK WHEN YOU’VE SEEN IT. WE’LL STILL BE HERE.

 

district-9-trailer

 

 

All right, here we go.

So. Do you know who the scariest people in the movie were? Not the aliens, they were clearly misunderstood. Not Multinational United, the cruel company who tortures innocents. Not Tanya’s father, the frighteningly cold businessman. And not the nameless mercinary who shot to kill on sight.

The scariest people were the blacks who lived in the District 9 ghetto with the aliens. These dark skinned folks lived in garbage, weilded machetes–much scarier than cool alien guns and more primitive than sleek human weapons, were dim enough to believe in specific sorts of witchcraft and were morally bankrupt enough to enforce further enslavement on their fellow subjugated.

Now, before you say that OreoWriter is reading too much into this set of facts, consider this:

When all the melanin-heavy were killed at once…the theater exploded into applause and laughter. What a relief!

I can only hope that they were not simply celebrating the fact that an enemy was squashed.That in their response was at least a hint of inherent discomfort with the victims. And I’ve got a good chance of being right, because when bombs went off at MNU, there was no laughter. When the nameless mercinary got ripped limb from limb, there was no applause. But when the black folks were destroyed en masse, there was so much hubbub that the audience almost missed reacting to the leader getting his head exploded.

I’m not saying that I need validation where ever I can get it. I am saying that it feels good to be reminded by a sold out theater that one’s hard work and shared fears are not in vain. For when this momentous scene happened, I cheered myself (Internally, of course. Making audible comments during a movie would ruin years of Oreo work) because there on screen was a perfect physical representation of what I am working so very hard to do. 

So go see the movie. The acting is phenominal, the script is amazing, the effects work is outstanding, the phone promo’s done by yours truly (call 1-866-666-6001 to hear OreoWriter keep humans safe!) and there’s this hilarious and moving scene in Act III. You’re going to love it.

Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – Cops Like Donuts, Not Oreos

Dear Diary,

I thought I was making more progress. But a slap on the wrist in front of the majority showed me how much work I still need to do and how I can never let my guard down for a second.

I had stopped off in West Hollywood to pick up some work from a client. I only left my car on the curb for a second and when I came back, a man with a badge and fancy flashing lights on his car was about to write me a ticket.

Thinking this could surely be cleared up sans city fine, I dusted off my pencil skirt, clicked my boot heels together and approached the nice man.

But as I pleaded my case, there was no sympathy in his eyes, no understanding, no pause to his pen and he kept writing. Then suddenly, a flash of recognition. He looked past me, nodded and put the ticket away.

What was behind me? My white client.

“Can we let this go,” Client said to the officer. “She didn’t know.”knight_m

Though I was relieved for my alabaster shield, my blanched bastion, my white knight, I was embarrassed and disappointed that I still needed one and that I’m still making newbie mistakes like this.

The ticket was for not angling my wheels at the curb. That’s what I didn’t know to do. Inexcusable.

I should have been ready for that. Parking on steep windy hills is part of privileged culture. I must remember these details if I am going to pass. It’s right up there with sending hand-written thank you cards and smiling through gritted teeth.

So it’s back to the books and away from the hills until I can conduct myself accordingly.

Is This Your Race Card?

BP-FrogAceI made good use of my AMA card (that’s Academy of Magical Arts in case you were wondering) and spent the evening being dazzled at Los Angeles’s Magic Castle–the Hollywood hub for all things great in the world of illusion. I learned two things on this outing.

1. When a grand illusion is augmented by a little card producing, the result is…excuse the pun, magical.

And as a bonus to the cause:

2. People of color do not go to magic shows.

Maybe it’s because historically, POC do not appreciate being tricked by white people.

But a little playful trickery in life is necessary. Without it, we wouldn’t have a political system or effective advertising.

Besides that, the whole Oreo lifestyle relies on sleight of hand, clever distraction and a well-placed trompe-l’œil. How else can we convince the world we are something that we are not?

So pull up a chair in your personal parlor of prestidigitation and get ready to say the magic words as you watch your perceived identity and their lowered expectations…disappear!

Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – I Guess I Really Should Have an IPod Anyway

Dear Diary,

Sad news.

After bringing it into the theater to provide a selection of ambient classical music while I prepared for my Neil LaBute showcase, my CD case went missing.

Gone are my collections of the American musical. No more are my ATB German electronica CDs. Au revior to my Mozart arias, my Bach sonatas, my Shostakovichian overtures in all their festivity.

But the truth is, those collections are basically replaceable.

Less replaceable, a CD that got me through some of my darkest days. A CD, given to me by a friend with whom I am no longer in contact, that always picked me up when I was low, put a spring in my step where there was none and gave me the strength to journey on.

The Georgetown Chimes.georgetown-logo

Ahh, the Chimes. The premier all-male a capella group from the school that graduated President Bill Clinton, America’s Next Top Model contestant Sara Albert and a host of other notables,  Georgetown University.

These 10 – 14 masculine voices blend in perfect harmony to bring classic songs to renewed and brilliant life. Nevermind what they do with timeless folk songs like Danny Boy and Loch Lomond, it’s what they do with traditionally ethnic music that makes my heart skip a beat. Motown and Do Wop just don’t truly resonate until they’re sung by a baker’s dozen of boarding school bred boys.

As the CD came from a friend whose contact info I no longer posses and not from amazon.com, the dulcet sounds of The Chimes will have to ring on in my head and never again through my car stereo. I will have to Hoya Hoya Saxa it alone.

Goodbye, boys. I shall miss you dearly.

Lie down forever, lie down, my friends

Lie down. Forever lie down.

What to do When They’re More Ethnic Than You

cocktail-whisky-sourSo Gatos suggested that we “kick it” again and offered to make arrangements.

Normally, keeping public company with a white person is golden. However, when that person evokes ethnicity, it counts for much less, can be seen as cheating and has the potential to destroy the hard work one has done to this point.

But, he offered to buy the drinks again; and accepting challenging social invitations from a paying companion is a decidedly Hamptonish thing to do, so I accepted.

But not without precautions. There are a few things to keep in mind when arranging such an arrangement.

Location, Location, Location
It’s an old adage, but it’s true. You definitely want to take care to choose the right spot for your outing. Being seen at the wrong movie, restaurant, piece of theater or side of town can ruin all of your efforts. So, after a Vespa tour around a winery, I felt comfortable with Gatos settling in for the hummus and grape leaf tasting that was to be part two of our afternoon.

Evoke Tough Love
You know how it is when you travel to Bath or Oxford, then spend the next two weeks trying to shake the vestiges of the Queen’s English from your vocabulary. You can’t help but through out a “mate,” “gov’nor,” or “right, yeah?” in your once normal conversation.

So is the case when you spend time with a light ethnic. After a couple of hours, I was horrified to notice that I let the word “dope” escape my lips. And I wasn’t talking about weed. I was describing something that I liked and used the offensive adjective to describe it.

And just like my friends put me back in my place when I slip into a bit of British vernacular, Gatos was there to correct me. I was embarrassed, sure. But the fact that he called me on it so that I refrained from such sloppy speech from then on was worth the flush I felt on my cheeks.

Proper Costuming
It doesn’t have to be fancy, but the flash of a tag from Talbots or Lily Pulitzer lets passersby know which side of the yacht your flag is raised. The right label on your lapel will help repel any lax labeling.

The Use of Key Words and Phrases
When strangers pass by you and your escort, thwart their assumptions by making sure that in a loud, clear voice, you utter phrases like: “Of course you find Fitzgerald insufferable, that’s the whole point” Or: “Oh, come on. You can’t blame Reaganomics. People have a certain amount of personal responsibility.” Or: “I thought AMT was unfair, until I learned two words: Intangible. Drilling.”

Never you mind if these seem like non-sequitors to your companion. He or she doesn’t even have to answer. And all you have to do is bask in the glory of the nods and smiles you will get from those around you as you shatter expectations.

Seriously, Have Them Buy You a Drink
When your mind is consumed with correcting and perfecting an image, it can be hard to actually enjoy what you’re doing. So appreciate a little free booze. Really helps take the edge off.

Pleasure Reading

imagesIn honor of Juneteenth (the holiday developed to remember the day that President Lincoln released slaves from a life of forced assimilation into a world where they now had the choice to conform to expectations…or die) I went to my local Borders Books to do some research on “my people.” I thought for a moment that I may have been too zealous in my journey toward Oreodom and that learning about myself would guide me toward a more moderate path.

But a quick trip in the “ethnic” section of the book store told me I was right on track.

In the 20000 square foot big box Borders, about 10 square feet were dedicated to the ethnic section. Out of the tens of thousands of books available elsewhere in the store, maybe 50 titles were in this section. I was relieved to see that CEOs smarter than I dedicate the same amount of space to ethnic identity.

Part of me hoped that I would find on these two shelves, a tome or two that spoke to me. That I would learn something about “my people’s” history that would make me feel like I was indeed a part of this population.

Granted, that kind of self-discovery is challenging, so thankfully here’s what I found instead.

Specific Self Help

funny-pictures-cat-scared-sink-water1Most of the books were fiction and the non fiction discussed either slavery or self help. But the self help was limited to telling one how to seize the day or how to say “aw hell naw” at all the right times.

In terms of self improvement, I am more interested in calorie intake, balancing work and pleasure and laying down the rest of this Stepford-filled baggage.

But since those books don’t seem to belong in this section, I suppose, neither do I.

pi_271African American History X…if X > Pump up the Jam

There was nothing in the ethnic section that was published before about 1990. No classic novels or writers here. All post parachute pants prints.

And since I existed before 1990, it seems this is not the section for me.

I Put My Trash in the Bin, Not in the Bedroom559206-i281.photobucket.com-albums-kk213-jgoethe_photos-torsochocolate

The romance novels here were all trashy and Harlequin-esque. No sweeping tales of love. No sexy, taught dramas. No achingly coquettish stories that made you tense with wonderful anticpation to read them. Just books with pictures of big curves on the cover, giant print inside and the overuse of the words “chocolate,” and “member” in the same sentence.

And since I never compare any part of my partners to food, I guess this isn’t the section for me.

250785631_96c039e1d9Black People Don’t Like…Things, Apparently.

The area also left out other key sections that sell quite well in the greater Borders book store. There was no “humor” section. No “food” section. No “travel” section. No “science fiction” section.

And since I like to laugh, eat, go places and because I intend on existing in the future, I realized once again: this is clearly not the section for me.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I affirmed once again that I was doing things right by pursuing the Oreo way of life. I smiled as I thought this…just as a sales clerk approached.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” she asked.

“Yes. I did.” I said, with probably too grand a pause between words.

“Good. We just got in some new books for Juneteenth.”

“June-what?” I asked and laughed as I brushed past her, before adding. “Can you tell me where to find the latest issue of The Baltimore Review. I’m going to start it just after The Thought Gang and just before Gun With Occasional Music.”

Guess the Setup to These Racially-Inspired Punchlines…It’s Good for You!

27771942When encouragement comes from someone you know, who knows you and your struggles, that’s great. Chances are, that person understands the work you’re doing, how important it is to you and how far a few kind words can send you. It’s a good thing.

When encouragement comes from a stranger, who knows nothing of you, what you’re doing or how important it is to you, that is phenomenal.

Imagine my joy today then, when on the phone, a client of mine inadvertantly praised me when he began complaining with very colorful language about people, who I can only assume from his vernacular, are black.

Sure it stung a little to hear people I may well be related to so maligned, but just before I yelled, I realized what good work I had done. Neither the tone, timbre of my voice nor any references I had made during our year of working together remotely clued him into the fact that I had been born ethnic.

So instead of yelling, I gave myself a pat on the back and settled in for a little more abuse that hurt in all the right ways.

If this has happened to you, congratulations Rockstar, keep up the good work.

Oh, and remember, so as not to blow your cover, it’s a good idea to know some of the jokes that will surely come your way in a conversation like this. I have included some helpful punchlines below.

  • The pizza can feed a family of four.
  • Put it in a book.
  • The lights are out, how can you count them?
  • It’s gone
  • The cop
  • “No honey, it’s because you’re 23.”
  • A microphone
  • They don’t like any jobs.
  • An auctioneer
  • “Oh, then I use their last names.”
  • From the pepper spray
  • Raisin Bran
  • Crime prevention
  • My bike
  • Cocoa Muffs

Swap out that inspirational poster for these bad boys and watch productivity soar.