comedy

Charlie Sheen’s Ethnic Epicness

So, Charlie Sheen has done a lot of bad. He’s spent a small fortune on illegal drugs, abused some women, made things

If that's not the wide-eyed stare of a devoted mentor, I don't know what is.

more difficult for his children, gave some anti-semitic quotes, starred in Hot Shots Part Deux and threatened the jobs of lots and lots of people by not getting help for any of the above issues.

But he did one thing right (and I’m not talking about how lives with deities–seriously, he calls his prosti– girlfrie– -er, roommates, “goddesses“).

Here’s what he did that’s so epic: He changed his crazy ethnic name to something way less Mexicany and thus put himself in a position to demand $3 million every time he phones in a performance for CBS.

That’s right. “Charlie Sheen” was born “Carlos Estevez.” And good on him for removing the brown from his name, and thus his life, by whitening that shiz up. Thanks to that little trip to the DMV (or where ever you go to change your name), Charlie has enjoyed fame, fortune and a fantasy life where he is the star he thinks he is.

Not so much for brother Emilio…and what else would you expect with a name like that?

I thought that other celebs of color could take a page from Charlie’s book and maybe, just maybe, get a bigger slice of that pie for themselves. Some blacktors are lucky, they’re named things like “Will Smith” or “Morgan Freeman” which sound pretty not-black. But others could give their career a boost with a few key strokes.

Below are some famous ethnic names and suggestions for their whitewashed equivalent.

  • Alfonso Riberio – Albrecht Russel
  • Djimon Hounsou – Dillon Houston
  • Queen Latifah – Elizabeth Windsor
  • Penelope Cruz – Patricia Clarke
  • Jaleel White – Justin Wales
  • Terrence Howard – Theodore Hilton
  • Mos Def – Hardest of Hearing
  • Orlando Jones – Orville James
  • Othello – Iago
  • Aretha Franklin – Amelia Francis
  • Phylicia Rashad – Pascale Richards
  • LeVar Burton – Lance Burton
  • Rhianna – Gaga
  • Condeleeza Rice – Christine Rialto
  • Aisha Tyler – Abigail Breslen
  • Eva Longoria – Ethel Lightman
  • Malcolm Jamal Warner – Mason Jason Disney
  • Soulja Boy – Lance Corporal Guy Mann
  • Taraji P. Henson to Tara P. Henson*
  • Viola Davis to Vanna Davis*
  • Chiwitel Ejiofor to Charles Ellington*
  • Idris Elba to Ira Evans*
  • Kesha to … oh wait.*

* – these names courtesy of @split_daydreams!

Who else can you think of? Let us know in the comments and we’ll add them to the list!

Also, for more on how going white gets you in the limelight, click here!

(ps…in a meeting once, an executive read a spec of Two and a Half Men that I wrote and told me that I “totally got Charlie Sheen. Sounded just like him.” Hmmm, wonder what that means for me…. )

4 Ways to Grow Your Blanchetourage

The kids get it, too!

Requiste for every Oreo is the appropriate blanchetourage. This friendly group of white people who accompany the Oreo will provide just the right number of naive questions, quiche recipes and invitations to country clubs to keep the Oreo away from other of colors and caught up on the self loathing.

But in this crazy world, making friends can be hard. So how does one grow one’s blanchetourage? Well, it goes a little something like this:

1. Look the part. Make sure that you have shed as many trappings of your ethnicity as possible. This means straightened hair, short, natural fingernails and a booty-minimizing Spanx. If you hang on to an ethnic look, potential blanchetourage members may not know that you’re not an RBP and thus safe to approach.

No.

2. Pick Up a Little From Pick Up Artists. As any guy two beers into his sex quest for the night knows, first impressions are key. You have about two seconds to make your mark think you’re worth talking to. The same goes for your blanchetourage. Just like the wrong pick up line can send a girl running into the arms of the not-so-nice-but-way-more-suave-a-hole on the other side of the bar, saying the wrong thing to a non-color at first blush can stop your blanchetourage quest in its tracks. Here are some lines you may want to use when staring a convo.

  • “Didn’t I meet you at that Neil LaBute tribute showcase last week?”
  • “I’m sorry, I think that’s my dram of Ardberg.”
  • “Gorgeous corset! I would kill for boning like that.”
  • “Pardon my limp. I broke in a new dressage pony this weekend.”
  • “Damn this sunburn!”

3. Arrange a follow-up meeting at the appropriate place. Once you’ve made your connection, you have to solidify it. Do this by setting up a meetup at an Oreo-approved location like your stable, the beach club, the performance bicycle center, a free-diving convention or Bath, England.

4. Show them the goods. Welcome them to the fold with an introduction to the rest of your blanchetourage. Since you can’t rid yourself of every ethnic trait (I’m looking at you, skin color!) they may still always wonder just a little when your hidden RBP (that’s “Regular Black Person” for you newbies!) is going to break loose. By surrounded them with more of them, you’ll help them feel right at home.

What do you think? Cuz seriously, making new friends can be hard. How do you do it? Do you tend to have a big entourage (blanche or otherwise) or just a few close besties. Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)

3 Reasons I Love Reality TV

The black friend I'm not embarassed to have.

As a professional writer, people are often shocked that I watch as much reality TV as I do. When I come home from work, I’m more interested in checking in with the Real Housewives than I am with the Desperate Housewives and I’d often rather watch Dirty Jobs than watch scripted lawyers or doctors do their jobs (though I’m really warming up to Fairly Legal right now!! And Archer is a new favorite, too!)

And when I started thinking about it, it makes perfect sense! Here’s why:

1. It reminds me of why I’m an Oreo. Let’s be honest, black folks rarely look good on reality TV. From back in the day with angry Kevin on MTV’s first Real World, crazy Omarosa on the premiere season of The Apprentice, anyone on Flavor of STDs Love or the dearth of people of color on higher end reality shows where people are actually showcasing actual talents (apart from Idol, I suppose), reality TV reminds an Oreo why it sucks to be of color and why we must escape it.

2. My brain gets to shut off. Because I often write for my living, it’s hard for me to watch scripted shows without analyzing how they’re doing what they’re doing. I often can’t just wait patiently to find out what crazy hijinks Michael Scott is up to without guessing how they’re going to quietly set up the second act turn.

3. Free education! I actually learn stuff! Here are some of my fave shows and what I tend to glean from them.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – my current dirtiest pleasure. First, it definitely satisfies the Oreo element as the only black person I’ve seen so far is the limo driver. Second, these self-dubbed “alpha women” must be doing something right, right? Apparently, one of those things is eye contact. While I look away several times during an average conversation so as not to appear too aggressive, these ladies go for it and stare directly into the pupils of their conversation partner with no breaks and often without blinking. Maybe that’s how they’ve risen to the ranks they have. What do you think? Is it the botox or a true conversation tactic?

Hell’s Kitchen – First, I love me some Gordon Ramsay. British, handsome, a rogue with a heart of gold! Second, this show has given me new fun Oreo-tastic things to say. Like when I have dinner parties, I have stopped saying that “dinner’s ready.” Instead, I say that “dinner has been plated,” and add in other fun words from the show like like “pancetta,” “creme fraiche” and “donkey*#&(*))(#$&”

Intervention – First, this is a real downer of a show, but can actually teach a lot about effective and efficient communication–something I’m kind of a geek for. Second, this might be the only show that doesn’t fit my first rule for liking reality TV. Because even though this show is about drug addicts who have often turned to lives of crime and poverty to feed their habits–it rarely, if ever, features black people.

How do you feel about reality TV? Fave shows? Hated shows? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

*Shameless Oreo Plug. 1) SmartyPig is a totally cool $-savings tool! I highly recommend it. b) So I have the opportunity to meet with an actor who I love love love in the UK this summer. Trying to make it a successful working holiday and take some other Brit talent out for a pint with the hope of writing for them one day. Should anyone feel inclined to help an Oreo purchase one of those pints, it would be totes appreciated. You can learn more about my trip, and SmartyPig at this link.

It Hurts So Good, II

So after my poplock debut this weekend, I had to get back to my Oreo ways and content myself with some anglo-tastic stuff post haste!

To erase any unintended ethnic affect, on Sunday, I  bought some crossstitching, picked up my new guitar to learn some Neutral Milk Hotel and made a Quiche.

Hot.

And between the needlework and my first time playing the guitar, my fingers are killing me!!!  Seriously, I washed my hands this morning and it burned! How long does it take guitar callouses to form?

But good things will come from that pain. And it got me out of thinking of other things that were painful in just the right ways.

Relaxer – It goes without saying that a relaxer is on this list. Sure, the salve that’s spread on my scalp once a month is expensive and burns like a thousand angry suns. But for that pain, I get pretty straight hair to whip back and forth.

Dressage Training – Making a 1400-pound horse dance by controlling it with the muscles at the top of your inner thigh makes it nearly impossible to walk the next day. But if you do well enough and you get to competition, you get to wear such pretty hats!!

He's whipping his hair back and forth, too!

Spin Class – Going spinning immediate after dressage is especially painful…but bathing suit season is only 6 months away. Ladies…am I right!

Blue Valentine – This movie is one of the best I’ve seen. Painful to watch (especially with the $14 Arclight ticket!!) but Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling are also beautiful, urgent, truthful and memorable.

Also hot.

That one break up – We all have one. The one that was so spectacularly awful that we were pretty sure we’d never be able to put ourselves back together. But not only did we get back together, all that scar tissue fused strong. Stronger than it was before. We learned more than we could have imagined and made promises to ourselves that this time, we intend on keeping.

*ahem* Now back to your regularly scheduled snark.

Shots – Burning and painful all the way down. But often delicious and always socially freeing! F u, inhibitions! Ladies…am I right?! 🙂

What do you do that’s painful but good for you? Let us know in the comments!!

And check out this vlog that details my journey toward poplock domination.

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)

The Oreo Experience ft. Rhianna (VIDEO)

So I went karaokeing last week and really did try to sing something normal…but then defaulted to showtunes, natch. Off my friends’ requests I have tried to get some regular songs in my repetoir…but they’re confusing. Like is “What’s My Name?” (Rhianna ft. Drake) as misogynistic as I first thought it was, or is it a sneaky feminist rant that Erica Jong would be proud of?

Lemme know what you think!

Teasing Through Teasers

Though I came by my Oreo-ness honestly (what choice did I have when my mom was an accountant, Dad was a chemical engineer and they listened to more NPR than Nat

Being brown's tough, but he makes the most of it.

King Cole), my decision to set aside ethnicity was solidified when I started watching movies and TV. On screen, the non-colors looked like they led such more intersting lives than of colors!

And movies today don’t let me down!  Even from the trailers, you can totes tell how much more exciting it is when you can shed your melanin!

How Do You Know – Reese Witherspoon can’t figure out what she wan–My GOD, Paul Rudd is handsome

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – wear cute dresses, have doormen, give people their space, compare themselves against the status quo, ride Segways, get indicted, find old flames, have complicated relationships, play baseball, wonder what love is all about, be really crass, add a twist of lemon to their cute cocktails, run from what they want, run toward what they want, stop traffic.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – Represent on the baseball team….I’d say this guy was an Oreo b/c he’s the only of color on the team (and in the movie?)…but it is a baseball team. I’d be more impressed with his Oreoness if it was lacrosse or hockey.

    • 

Tron: Legacy – Man Finds Himself Through Video Games

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – Struggle with memories, refuse to wait around, ride motorcycles, own businessses, reveal information long held secret, develop cool tech, glow in the dark, have zero percent body fat, fly, strut.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – hey is that guy– oh, no, he’s not. That was just dark lighting and a beard.

I suppose it makes sense. This is a movie about a guy who goes inside of a video game. They’re already asking us to suspend our disbelief pretty heavily. Let’s not muddy it up by having of colors inside that video game. It’s make believe, not complete crazytown.

Casino Jack – Kevin Spacey is a bad mf-er
 

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – be fancy rich, play golf, count their money, bend the rules, report the news, be chauffered.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – take a photograph, be disenfranchised, take another photograph.

Yogi Bear – Hmm, didn’t realize there was a market for this film.

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – go camping, work in national parks.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – n/a

 Wow! Even a talking bear with an eating disorder and boundary issues has more fun than of colors. It’s clear which life I’d rather have. Here’s to resolving to be an even better Oreo next year!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
And subscribe on youtube! (Check the youtube page for the brand new music video “White (on the inside) Christmas!”
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

White (on the inside) Christmas!

Like everyone, Oreos have some time-honored and special holiday traditions. Get a taste of an Oreo-tastic holiday here!

International Need for Oreos

I dug up some journal entries from my trip abroad. Here is one of them.

Dateline: Amsterdam. Even among the pastoral tulip fields and gently twirling windmills, it was impossible to escape the sting of my ethnicity.

I spent some time traveling with a friend to a few cities and here was the conversation I overheard while

I ate my feelings that day. And they were delicious!

waiting on line for dutch pancakes.

Friend: Pardon. Zit hier iemand?

Local: No, the seat’s free.

Friend: Oh, you speak English.

Local: Yeah. Where are you from?

Friend: The states. Los Angeles.

Local: Oh, I hear it’s dangerous there.

Friend: Can be.

Local: Because of the blacks?*

A moment later, I sat down in front of my friend and my new Dutch buddy with a plate of piping hot pannenkoeken. Now, had I not been a practiced Oreo, I would have wanted to pour those piping hot pannenkoeken down the front of my new buddy’s shirt. But, being the Oreo that I am, I supported his point.

Me: Well, you just have to pay attention to where you are. If you come visit, you’ll see. That’s why I moved to Hancock Park.

I could have made him feel suuuper uncomfortable. But instead, I fostered international relations with the right conversation and my appreciation of perfectly pressed pancakes.

*It’s been suggested that I’m making up some of these stories. But no. Really. I’m not.

For other uncomfortable moments I didn’t make up. Check out these posts on phone etiquette, getting out of a parking ticket and talking to kids.

Oreo Confessions: I Laughed at This….Maybe Too Much

One of the risks you always run as an Oreo is someone giving you an overly ethnic gift that is hard to justify turning down. Such was the case with the CD with which I was gifted before my flight: W. Kamau Bell’s Face Full of Flour.

At first, I was excited, thinking that maybe this was related to The Bell Curve–a book that is essential reading for an Oreo thanks to its assertions about race and intelligence. **

But ’twas not my fortune. Turns out it was a comedy CD by a black guy. Obviously, I proceeded with caution. The last thing I needed anyone in the airport to hear bleeding from my earbuds was a Chris Rock-esque rant. The airport security scanner may not have gone off when my bag went by on the belt, but my Oreo scanner sure did!

Oreo Approved!

 

I would have kept it in its place in the bag, except that the inflight movies were all things I had seen a million times. Neverwas, Sound of Music, Match Point. I wanted something new to keep me company.

And so I listened. 

And laughed. A lot.

Yikes.

Scary moment, my friends.  And one that I highly recommend. I mean, how could I stop listening when I heard what he had to say about Tyler Perry, what his wife looks like and his justification for looser gun control??

You can find Face Full of Flour on itunes and Amazon. Get it and listen. Not only because it’s super hilarious funny, but also because if enough non-colors check it out, it definitely won’t be seen as an of color collectable and I can continue to enjoy it unafraid. 

**W. gets points actually for having created a show called “The W. Kamau Bell Curve” that you should also check out if you can!

Check out Bell below. Clip is not totally SFW for language. 

Guess the Setup to These Racially-Inspired Punchlines…It’s Good for You!

27771942When encouragement comes from someone you know, who knows you and your struggles, that’s great. Chances are, that person understands the work you’re doing, how important it is to you and how far a few kind words can send you. It’s a good thing.

When encouragement comes from a stranger, who knows nothing of you, what you’re doing or how important it is to you, that is phenomenal.

Imagine my joy today then, when on the phone, a client of mine inadvertantly praised me when he began complaining with very colorful language about people, who I can only assume from his vernacular, are black.

Sure it stung a little to hear people I may well be related to so maligned, but just before I yelled, I realized what good work I had done. Neither the tone, timbre of my voice nor any references I had made during our year of working together remotely clued him into the fact that I had been born ethnic.

So instead of yelling, I gave myself a pat on the back and settled in for a little more abuse that hurt in all the right ways.

If this has happened to you, congratulations Rockstar, keep up the good work.

Oh, and remember, so as not to blow your cover, it’s a good idea to know some of the jokes that will surely come your way in a conversation like this. I have included some helpful punchlines below.

  • The pizza can feed a family of four.
  • Put it in a book.
  • The lights are out, how can you count them?
  • It’s gone
  • The cop
  • “No honey, it’s because you’re 23.”
  • A microphone
  • They don’t like any jobs.
  • An auctioneer
  • “Oh, then I use their last names.”
  • From the pepper spray
  • Raisin Bran
  • Crime prevention
  • My bike
  • Cocoa Muffs

Swap out that inspirational poster for these bad boys and watch productivity soar.