Deep Tan or Just Too Dark: How to Tell if Your Conversation Partner is Safe

As we know, per the Oreo code, it is imperative to limit conversations with other of colors. If you’re having a private chat, you risk talking about pertinent issues of race and sounding/feeling like a regular black person; and if you’re in public, you risk everyone assuming you’re talking about pertinent issues of race and thinking you’re an RBP.

But sometimes, black people have blonde hair and white people have tans.

...or terrible stylists

So, at times it can sometimes be hard to tell if that swarthy skier is of color or just southern European.

PS. if they use the word “swarthy” in casual convo, you’re probably safe.

This weekend, I ran into exactly this problem!

Things started off well. I went to mass. At an episcopal church. In Beverly Hills. My chances of running into an RBP were slim to none.

Did any of colors make it on to this show?

But then at the parish-sponsored mimosa brunch a struck up a conversation with a guy who was…probably white. But per his skin tone, could definitely be cast to play any number of innocuous ethnic characters on say Lost or Fringe. If you had told me he was Middle Eastern, Indian or Mexican, I would have believed you.

I had to know if I was in danger. So I employed these tricks to suss out the situation.

1. Verify name. Now that we mostly facebook instead of having conversations with people, asking someone for their full name is par for the course. If the accompanying last name ends in “–artinez” or “–mbutu” better cut that convo short and look for the nearest van Beveren or Lundegaard in the room.

2. Mention your travels and see if they react accordingly. Make sure you clarify the Oreoness of said travels. For example. NEVER say “I was in Africa this summer.” Yikes! What, were you checking out the homeland?? No, it’s “I was researching 5-star accommodations in Zimbabwe for a piece I’m writing for Travel + Leisure…” or “I was scouting for Arabian horses in South America…” If they react with familiarity to the locale, abort!

3. Ask someone else. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and on your way there or back, ask someone else in the room if they know where so-and-so is from. They’ll know. Why not just ask the person yourself, you ask? Well, that’s just impolite.

*Caution! You could be talking with a well-studied Oreo, Coconut or Phillipino Twinkie. So they may have all the right answers and still be technically of color. In that case, refer to these rules for how to conduct a convo with one of your own kind.

And if they turn out to be white, but are still a little hiphoppier than you are, check out these tips.

Stuff Black People Care About

This weekend, MSNBC aired a show called “The Black Agenda”…and disappointingly enough, it wasn’t about a darkened page in Moleskine notebook.

What? It's black and it lists the topics up for discussion. You can see how I was confused.

I was all excited until I saw the commercial for the show and heard:

“MSNBC examines the issues and policies that impact African Americans.”

I was worried. I certainly look like a black American. Was this show going to bring up stuff that I care about and thus pigeonhole me into the space I’ve tried so long to escape?

Here’s what MSNBC (with obligatory black guru Al Sharpton) said black people care about: Employment, Healthcare and Housing… you know, stuff that’s WAAAAAAAY different than anything anyone else in the U.S. cares about.

No, there aren't any other of color pundits available for news magazines. Why do you ask?

And it all added up to more evidence that I’m not *really* black.  Because though I care about the above, that’s certainly not where my list stops. To the best of my knowledge ALL issues and policies affect me.

Education reform affects not only how my children grow up; but also the kind of labor force I will need to rely on as kids get out of school and consider college. Education issues affect how well-trained the next generations of doctors, social workers, writers, astronauts, chemists, landscapers, architects, day care workers, insurance professionals, car manufacturers and audio engineers are.

Health care affects how the people I care about will be able to take care of themselves. It affects how well those doctors, social workers, writers, astronauts, chemists, landscapers, architects, day care workers, insurance professionals, car manufacturers and audio engineers are able to do their jobs.

Prison reform affects how safe I am…not only from truly violent, uncaring criminals. But from people who might not have been the best kids in town, but who have been damaged by a system that tends to punish rather than rehab.

Reproduction rights affect my relationship to the world as a woman, women’s relationship to men, men’s relationships to each other.

Military spending affects how my friends kids’ who are fighting overseas will be able to protect themselves and the country.

Estate and business taxes affect how my boss will view my job in years to come.

Environmental policies affect how much I can enjoy the world around me.

Marriage equality affects not only how my friends are able to express their love for each other, but how America decides it willing to care for or shit on other “others” like myself.

But according to MSNBC, blacks just aren’t that into those things. And those things don’t seem to affect blacks.  So….. by my count, still an Oreo!

Yup!

Also, by continuing to trot out the same pundits for the black community, it really does emphasize the fact that blacks are all the same and march to the exact beat of the exact same leader. Which is nice for me, because all I have to do is say something simple in conversation like “I’m not really a Sharpton fan,” and people get that my pigmentation just might be a fluke or an overzealous tan.

Sharpton actually said something that was helpful. He mentioned that the continued disparities between blacks and whites hurts everyone. But this lovely soundbite was encased in a show titled “The Black Agenda,” which is just not going to draw the audience that needs to hear that….He also made a rhyme about a bacon and egg sandwich that I could have done without.

And finally, thank goodness major media outlets continue to divide people this way. If they didn’t run shows like “The Black Agenda,” how would I stand out. I would no longer risk being seen as a black person. I’d just be a person. And I have spent WAY too much money on relaxers to be just like everyone else. 🙂

Oreos A- Z: D is for…

We all know the basic concept of the Oreo – someone who’s black on the outside, but white on the inside.  What you may not know is that there really are a lot of intricacies involved in becoming, being and living a fulfilling life as an Oreo. The bi-weekly feature, “Oreos A – Z” will help keep you up to date and on your best Oreo behaviour.

D is for Don Draper
Oreos love Mad Men
Cuz sexy suits, and hot, repressed white dudes
Were so popular back then.

In a fantastic Oreo move, I was recently in a debate, where I was arguing heavily for the fact that Mad Men simply cannot have prominent characters of color on the show. It simply wasn’t done at that time. You know how like in movies set in the present there are no black people in say  New York City.

What say you? Obviously, there are some limitations with period pieces. But why can Shakespeare get away with it?

And Denzel gets the fancy cuffs, too! Much Ado About Nothing? More like Much Ado About Rrrrarrrr!

Why does it make more sense to filmmakers that a black guy can be the politically powerful Don Pedro, but not say a regular Joe in a movie about wizards or vampires or being cursed by an Olson twin to have a creepy tattoo cover your whole face? Do you think non-traditional casting takes from or adds to the cinematic experience? Would Sex in the City have been ruined if one of those girls was brown in some way? Wow, was Sex in the City really my go to film for that question. Weird!

For more Oreo: A-Z Click here!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Conversations with Whitepal – Blind(ish) Date

OreoExperience and WhitePal facebook chat about their plans for the evening.

WhitePal: So I’ll be at the bar at 7?

I'll be waiting at the bar, with a single white rose and a little chip on my shoulder.

OreoExperience: Bar = Birds?

WP: Yup

OE: Great, I’ll be there, too.

WP: How shall I know it’s you?

OE: yellow flower? red handkerchief? oh, and I’ll probably be the only black person there.

WP: That’s probably true….We could always go to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles–it’s just up the street and then you can be the only white person there.

(beat)

OE: I’m putting this on the blog.

WP: Really?

…Yup, this just got meta, y’all.

This is actually one of my favorite things to bring up the first time I’m meeting someone new. Especially before facebook, when I would get to know someone–usually because of work–over the phone and we’d eventually decide to meet up for coffee or something. We’d make plans and they’d say something like “Okay, well I have short brown hair and I’m wearing jeans and green button down shirt.”

I would pause and say “I’m black.”

“OH!! Okay, okay, sorry…right on.” They’d say something like that. I’m assuming the ‘sorry’ was not them apologizing for me being black, but rather for feeling like they made me mention it. I, however, accepted it for the former and not the latter.

We did not go to Roscoe’s this weekend, but click here to see what happened the last time I did. Short story: They did not recognize my Oreoness. 😦

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Oreo Origins: Sleeping With an Old Friend

I finally got around to watching Amadeus last night, (seriously, a lily-white film about classical music–how the eff had I not managed to see this yet?!).

If I could get away with dressing like this at work, I totally would.

Afterward, I changed the DVD, put in some Fawlty Towers turned the volume way down and fell asleep with John Cleese’s voice whispering softly in my ear.

“Coming, my little piranha fish.” “Well have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell.” “I think we’re just out of Waldorfs…”

The Monty Python guys were among my earliest Oreo influences. I remember hearing the lilting accents and specific timing coming from my parents’ bedroom. And I fell in love. Live at the Hollywood Bowl is one performance I wish I had been alive to see. I still can’t believe my mom didn’t flinch when she watched The Meaning of Life with me and the giant star vagina appeared on the screen. The Cheese Shop Sketch totally still makes me laugh. And I was totally having a fantasy of being cast in Spamalot as I was singing along on the drive home last night.

So thanks M and D for the early anglo influences. ‘Twoud not be the Oreo I am today without ’em!

But seriously, could have warned 8-year-old me about the star vagina. I think I was barely aware that I had a vagina, let alone that a whole universe could be stored up inside of one. (money shot is at 2:00 below and it’s just as creepy now!)

What got you excited and inspired when you were a kid? Do you like them as much now as you did then? Let us know in the comments!

Dove – Washing Away Dirt, Oil and Skin Tone – Yay

You remember Dove. The beauty brand that brought us the “love yourself as you are” ads like these:

Look how much fun it is to hang out in your undies with your multicultural best gal pals!!!

 

They also brought us this “don’t fall for the beauty myth” video:

Apparently, though, they still want to remind us that while you maybe okay with your off-model freckled self, freckles better be able to show up.

In this ad, the soap promises users “visibly more beautiful skin” and shows before and after pictures. Do note the women that the words “before” and “after” are over.


It’s this kind of subtle and not-at-all-a-point-of-concern-for-dove’s-well-paid-marketing-team messaging that I rely on to remind myself why I’m trying to hard to escape my ethnicity. Thanks, Dove. I can only hope the soap works as well at this ad says. Fingers crossed!!

 

Why Go White #212 – It’s Polite!

This post is shout out to my Asian brethren and sistren.

By now, many of you may have seen the video “Asians in the Library,” posted by UCLA student Alexandra Wallace. In this video, she discusses how Asians are getting in the way of her studying by saying things like “Ching chong ting tong ling long” on the phone to their families. She says that it’s distracting and rude.

And it is rude! We all know that this is not how good assimilants behave.

Good coconuts NEVER say things like “Ching chong ting tong ling long” in the library. Instead, try more majority-sounding things  like “God, I wish those Asians would shut up. Let’s make a youtube video about it! This poly-sci sucks much anyway! Toodles!” That’s much more polite!

When your ethnic background includes knowing and understanding of the most complex languages in the world and holding family dear, for the love of God, don’t go showing it off. Save it for the meetings.

Or put it into a song like this kid did. I heart him!

For the record,  Alexandra issued an apology. But what do you think? Should the apology have occurred to her during the time it took her to walk from the library to her dorm, set up a camera, go through her rant, edit it together, post it on youtube and tell her friends that she did that?

For other cool things that college kids do, check out this post from San Diego’s Compton Cookout!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Soccer: Oreo Approved or Oreo Avoidant?

Went to my first stateside soccer game this weekend with @catnick (ps…if you’re looking for an event or headshot

I'm sorry, was there a game going on?

photographer, follow and hire him immediately!). Several things occurred to me about the sport.

 

It’s a lot like terrible foreplay. Lots of tension, not a lot of release. There’s soooooo much action. 90 minutes of sweating and kicking and passing and bending..aaaand, you think it’s gonna happen…that they’re going to make it in, they’re right there, right there, right there, almost, almost alllll—nope, no score. Sunday’s game ended in a tie, so at least both teams got theirs. That seems fair.

I’m totally torn as to where to file this for Oreo-approved events. I made a list of pros and cons and much like yesterday’s game, it ends in a tie. What do you think?

Pro: Not a lot of black players. This isn’t football or basketball where every other guy on the ground is an RBP.

Con: A surprising number of black fans. Unlike when I attend hunter/jumper shows or a regatta, I definitely wasn’t the only brown face in the crowd. #uncomfy

Pro: There’s definitely something Euro-chic about saying you’re a soccer fan.

Con: Because it’s worldly, and since most of the people in the world are actually of some sort of color (poor things!), you run the risk of liking a team peopled by browns.

Pro: Soccer players, by my estimation, have the best physiques in sport. Strong but not too bulky, flexible and lithe, fast and quick. And they know how to do such cool things with their balls.

Con: I couldn’t help making the terrible joke above.

So what do you think? Do the cons outweigh the pros? I’ve never been a huge team sport fan and I’d love to find some group to pledge my allegiance to. What teams do you follow and what brought you to them?

Post Patrick’s Day Puzzling

Another reason for my Oreo-ness is how people love to celebrate any ethnic holiday other than any ethnic holiday having anything to do with being black.

 

Hmm, are you really or are you just looking to get some without much effort?

 

 

As I indulged in my one whisky and ginger last night, I looked at all the not-Irish people wearing “Kiss me, I’m Irish” shirts. All those of Scandinavian, Mexican, Eastern European descent drinking away, spouting bursts of gaelic and loving the celebration. And I realized nothing like this ever happens on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

 

...or on Thurgood Marshall Thursdays.

 

 

Man, the Irish had it right. I mean, they were oppressed and do you see them demanding a whole month and bemoaning their past. At one point, the Irish were called the n-words of Europe. But do they march in the streets during the entire month of March, interrupt our regularly scheduled programming with awkward documentaries, find themselves insulted when restaurants serve specials on corned beef and cabbage, get bummed out when America reduces centuries of Irish history into a handful of stereotypes and excuse to make bad decisions or get mad when people put on green face? No. They embrace it.

 

 

And make emotionally complex, corkscrew like movies.

 

 

Maybe if the blacks would shrink Black History Month into one day full of liquor they might have a better sell.

And, no, by “liquor”, I don’t mean 40s. We could class it up a bit. Whisky gingers are good for all occasions.

 

Seriously, this thing doesn't offend people? It's like the pickaninny of Western Europe.

 

 

 

Oreos A – Z: C is for…

We all know the basic concept of the Oreo – someone who’s black on the outside, but white on the inside.  What you may not know is that there really are a lot of intricacies involved in becoming, being and living a fulfulling life as an Oreo. The bi-weekly feature, “Oreos A – Z” will help keep you up to date and on your best Oreo behaviour.

C is for Canter
A horse’s third gait
Do you have your tickets for Rolex*?
I know I do, can’t wait!!

*What is Rolex you ask? Only the awesomest 3-day horse ever! Fancy horses sponsored by fancy watches. If that doesn’t say Oreo, I don’t know what does…except maybe this: Totes jeals of Beoyonce and her blackface makeup!! Click here to find out why

Seriously! If anyone has an extra ticket, or just feels like sponsoring an Oreo, you can have my first born.