Month: December 2010

Teasing from Teasers

Happy he's not an RBP

Playing with a new title, because that’s exactly what teasers do…Fun little pokes in the ribs to remind you of fantasy and fun. Teasers definitely tease the Oreo by showing them exactly what they’re working toward and what — with enough wassail-laced hoilday caroling parties and overtimes at hockey games — might be theirs!

Let’s take a look at what’s opening this weekend and see what we learn about how much more fun it is to not be an RBP (click here for definition).

The Chronicles of Narnia  – Voyage of the Dawen Treader: The wardrobe kids are at it again

  • Stuff White People Seem Do In This Movie – join the military, reprimand their brothers, fell out of place in the real world, nearly drown in a painting, sail beautiful ships, look like Keanu Reeves, be evil, be good, dream of what could be. 
  • Stuff Black People Seem Do In This Movie – Do not appear. And I guess that makes sense. There probably weren’t a ton of people in that era of that part of England. You know, the era where paintings came to life and kids were besties with lions.
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The Tourist – Europe is Sexy and Dangerous and Sexy!

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – have sexy affairs, wear sexy dresses, wear sexy suits, have sexy accents, drive sexy boats, flutter their sexy bedroom eyes, get caught up in sexy adventures of mistaken identity.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie –

I guess it’s to be somewhat expected. I mean, people tend to make movies about themselves, starring themselves. The Tourist director, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck is German, so it makes sense that he’d make a movie about vaguely British people played by Americans with affected accents.

The Fighter – Marky Mark and Christian Bale – effing tough and effing hot.

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – joke around with their siblings, box, train hard, have daughters, have difficult families, have dreams, train boxers, work in bars, insult women, defend women, lose the fight, lose hope, make sports deals, turn their backs on their families, go to jail, reconcile with their families, triumph.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – pose an intimidating threat, beat the shit out of the hero, get beaten by the hero, work in jail.
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The Tempest – Oh, Julie Taymor with your eccentricities

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – conjure storms and fire, sail ships, be spirits, fall in love, perform Christopher Marlowe’s Shakespeare’s comedy, take revenge, make potions, turn into birds, dress in drag, enjoy a little homoeroticism, dance like nobody’s watching.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – I’m not sure exactly, but he seems to be giving advice or having a mud bath go terribly wrong.

Hmmm, maybe I should add “actor” to the list of jobs that it’s cool for an Oreo to have.

Seeing anything this weekend? What’ll it be?

Also, not to be a bad Oreo, but the last time I read Shakespeare, it kind of made my head explode. I remember it being so easy in high school. What happened? (Though I make up for it a bit in this video.) When I go back and check out The Scarlet Letter, will I be equally as surprised at how not-easy it is to skim through?

Trailer Talk

It's "Black Swan"...not Blaaaack Swizan

Nothing makes me want to shed my ethnicity like going to the movies. Soooooo jealous of all the fun white people get to have. At the same time, however, it lets me know that be loathing the skin I’m in, I’m on the right track. I mean, I saw the trailer for For Colored Girls. Yikes! Being a Regular Black Person (RBP for the newbies) looks really hard and sad and scary and seems to make you way more likely to cut a bitch.

And I don’t want to cut any bitches.

Taking a look at the movies opening this week (and some from last since I missed an entry) to see what best firms up my commitment to being an Oreo!

Black Swan – Ballet, Portman and girl-on-girl love, oh my!

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – talk to themselves, dance ballet, be overbearing, hold lavish parties, create competition, go en pointe, take advantage, take baths, take off running, shapeshift.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – n/a…I mean, have you seen the way RBP dance? Definitely would not fit in with this movie.

All Good Things – Ryan Gosling tries to escape his complicated, tortured past

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie -wear tuxes with huge bowties, arrive mysteriously, have dinner with friends, play tennis, visit the other side of the tracks, get married, disapprove of weddings, enjoy lakeside chats, get caught up in the family business, dramatically remove glasses.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – Do not appear, though I suspect there might be one at one of those parties serving drinks or parking cars.

Dead Awake -Best I can tell, there’s a mystery…and death…and skip-bleach processing

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – Pensively watch home movies, relieve events, trap loved ones, see ghosts, get admitted to hospitals, yell, cry, walk precariously on the edge of buildings.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – do not appear

I Love you, Phillip Morris -Jim Carey looks pretty decent in briefs.

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – be lawyers, be judges, be charming white collar criminals, have families, play in the grocery store, fall in love, wear yellow n jail, golf, have pets, get in over their heads, have unusually understanding spouses, crossdress.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – populate the prison, work as a prison guard, work as a mover.

I think it’s neat that on the streets, in the courtroom and at the grocery store there are no black people. Why? Well, you see that once they get to the jail…that’s there the RBP are!

Night Catches Us – Oh look, here are some black people in a movie. Wonder what they’ll do!

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – frisk an RBP.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – get into bar fights, explain their absence, be loathe to forgive, get handcuffed–shirtless, look lovely on a porch swing, be Black Panthers, carry handguns, threaten their friends, carry rifles, shoot firearms at children, try to explain things to their children, run for cover, wipe prints off handguns.

Holyeffingyikes, being of color is rough and scary!

The Warriors Way – Ninjas V. Cowboys?

I tried to say some snarky stuff about this one, but it kinda looks really badass….No black people, though. And I guess, sure there weren’t too many black folks in the Old West, but there weren’t flying ninjas, either.

Why does this matter to Oreos? Well, whether we like it or not, people are very much affected by what they see on TV. It’s why advertising works. So to remind us over and over that of colors are at best marginal players and at worst criminals, it really helps those of us trying to hide our true colors find better and better hiding places.

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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Celebrity Surgery to Change Ethnicity and Launch Careers!

My pursuit of whiteness has been once again validated.

Courtesy of Cracked, check out this list of celebrities who, through surgery (–mind you, some of these procedures were done in the 1930s when anesthetic was sketchy at best) , adoption (why not bring some kids into it!) and all out lies (or faux-truths as some of us like to call them), changed their original ethnic heritage for one that made them way better.

Check out the link for the full story, but here are some photo teasers.

I, like every other good American female, have thought about plastic surgery a few times…but I never realized just how much good it could do!

Who doesn’t want to change something about themselves? If you could, money and social stigma being no object, change something about you through surgery, what would it be? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!