Month: July 2010

Former ‘Black’ Sport Now Oreo Haven

There was a time when the lauded black athlete was skinny, short, jaunty and not nearly as scary as a basketball player with a grip of guns in a locker room. There was a time when the worst a blacklete could do to you was kick you in the shins and not kill you then make a terrifying reality show post acquittal. When the abused animals in their care weighed 1500 racing pounds instead of 80 fighting ones.

I’m talking about black jockeys.

Between about 1865 and 1900, of color riders dominated the sport. Going to see a race was like watching the NBA finals and black jockeys set impressive records.

Luckily, their legacy was preserved and distilled into a piece of sculpture that you can still sometimes find today. The lawn jockey.

While many lawn jockeys are now painted white, the history of the statue remains in tact.

This makes equestrian events a perfect choice for Oreos. Not only are few to no black riders of note on the circuit, but putting that jaunty outfit will give you the perfect chance to make an on-color joke and assuage the minds of those around you. Because if you can’t laugh at history, what can you do with it?

Looking for other jobs that are good for Oreos? How about shilling for classic American institutions!

See how The Oreo Experience responds to other animals.

or

Check out how horses can help you hook up with an Oreo.

International Need for Oreos

I dug up some journal entries from my trip abroad. Here is one of them.

Dateline: Amsterdam. Even among the pastoral tulip fields and gently twirling windmills, it was impossible to escape the sting of my ethnicity.

I spent some time traveling with a friend to a few cities and here was the conversation I overheard while

I ate my feelings that day. And they were delicious!

waiting on line for dutch pancakes.

Friend: Pardon. Zit hier iemand?

Local: No, the seat’s free.

Friend: Oh, you speak English.

Local: Yeah. Where are you from?

Friend: The states. Los Angeles.

Local: Oh, I hear it’s dangerous there.

Friend: Can be.

Local: Because of the blacks?*

A moment later, I sat down in front of my friend and my new Dutch buddy with a plate of piping hot pannenkoeken. Now, had I not been a practiced Oreo, I would have wanted to pour those piping hot pannenkoeken down the front of my new buddy’s shirt. But, being the Oreo that I am, I supported his point.

Me: Well, you just have to pay attention to where you are. If you come visit, you’ll see. That’s why I moved to Hancock Park.

I could have made him feel suuuper uncomfortable. But instead, I fostered international relations with the right conversation and my appreciation of perfectly pressed pancakes.

*It’s been suggested that I’m making up some of these stories. But no. Really. I’m not.

For other uncomfortable moments I didn’t make up. Check out these posts on phone etiquette, getting out of a parking ticket and talking to kids.

OreoFAIL…or WIN?

Also white on the inside

I did a very un-Oreo thing last night and attended a screening put on by a group of black writers. Yup. Me, in a room with a couple dozen other of colors watching a movie about the Harlem Renaissance.

Yikes.

To my credit, however, I did have this conversation before the film started…

Him: Are you gonna have some of that chicken?

Me: No.

Him: Oh, what are you, a vegan?

Me: No, I just don’t like spicy things…or wings. The wings just aren’t my favorite part of the bird. I am really excited about this gouda, though!

Him: What’s gouda?

BUT, before I cleansed my palate with some imported Dutch cheese, I totally realized…we DO all look alike!

Going into the Writers Guild building, all I knew is that a group of black writers–some of whom I’d met before–was going to be screening this film.

I walked in the building and hung my head in just a bit of shame when the security guard said “Oh, are you here for the screening?”

He showed me to the elevator and I headed up stairs. I got of the lift and looked around for where my event might be. I found a room full of colors who looked familiar enough, I mean there were folks with twists like the last time I met this group…  I walked inside and sat down. They continued their conversation around me…a conversation that I quickly found out was NOT about the screening I was meant to be attending.

After a few awkward beats, I grabbed my new pashmina (thanks, Casey!) and slunk out of the room…found another gaggle of of colors, had the aforementioned chicken/cheese convo and sat down for the film.

On one hand, I felt like such a non-color, I mean, they was a group of RBP. They must have been who I was looking for, right? How was I to know that there might be two groups of RBP gathered for two totally different purposes in the same place without authorities being alerted.

But on the other hand, I felt like a real RBP…after all, I was seen in the vicinity of almost 50 other of colors. And I hardly had time to sound any of my Oreo distress calls. The gouda thing was helpful, but I did just finish rereading Fear of Flying and am setting up an appointment with a new riding instructor. The movie started before I could spit out those gems. Plus, I couldn’t even blush when I realized my mistake in the first room.

What do you think? Was my night made of fail or win?

Also, when you do discover you’re in the wrong meeting…how do you sneak out. I thought about making light of the sitch and skipping away. But instead, I pretended like I had to go to the bathroom…with my wrap…and my purse…and my notebook…and my bottled water.

None of us are perfect. See other Oreofails here: musicvideofail, whatareyouseeingthisweekendfail and evenharvardprofsfailfail.

New Oreo Rule: Enjoy April Fools Day b/c Normally Black People Don’t??

Do not try to make this guy laugh--by ruining his $73,000 car. He will not laugh. At all.

This guy says black people don’t like pranks.

Unfortunately, African-American’s — particularly black men — don’t take too well to pranks or April Fool’s Jokes. Sad but true.

He also uses apostrophes incorrectly, but that’s a different issue.

For evidence, he cites Punk’d and basketballer Kenyon Martin’s negative reaction to having his Range Rover filled with buttered popcorn.

I can understand Kenyon’s anger. If you’re going to fill up a luxury vehicle with a food that will severely damage its interior, does it have to be something so carby?

Full story is here.

Don’t forget other Oreo rules like how to bring sexyback to the plantation.  How to write about regular black people. And what to do when you find yourself face to face with another well studied Oreo.

Get the Loathing Started Young

Gather the kids around the computer, this one’s for them!

Hey kids of color. Wanna worry about you ability to achieve as much as your teachers do? Then check out the ad at this FootAction store!

I’m not sure which is more horrible. The thug with the grill or the girl much too young for boobs wearing a dress that shows off where her boobs will be while some nowhere near-man boy touches where her underboob will develop in about 10 years. Either way, none of those words should be associated with children. My apologies.

Anyone wanna join me in a cleansing round of cricket?

Self Loathing – Now Measureable!

Ever wanted to see just how much you’re glad you’re not an RBP?

Then log on to Harvard’s Project Implicit to get Ivy League recognition of your self hate!

Nice that you can see your social phobias in plain, written words, huh?

Show me now!

The short online test shows whether or not takers have a preference for certain types of faces or if they associate positive or negative things with those faces.

Through other tests, you can also see if you can recognize presidents or famous people better. If you have a clue as to what foreign countries look like. If you’re creeped out by gays or body fat. And/or if you think white people or black people are more likely to carry weapons.

Warning: website does not come with tissues or pre-written apology notes.

Don’t worry, people on both sides of the pond feel the same way! And if you’re young enough, you might just admit it! Did you take the test? Congrats, you deserve a treat!