black people in movies

Teasing from Teasers

Happy he's not an RBP

Playing with a new title, because that’s exactly what teasers do…Fun little pokes in the ribs to remind you of fantasy and fun. Teasers definitely tease the Oreo by showing them exactly what they’re working toward and what — with enough wassail-laced hoilday caroling parties and overtimes at hockey games — might be theirs!

Let’s take a look at what’s opening this weekend and see what we learn about how much more fun it is to not be an RBP (click here for definition).

The Chronicles of Narnia  – Voyage of the Dawen Treader: The wardrobe kids are at it again

  • Stuff White People Seem Do In This Movie – join the military, reprimand their brothers, fell out of place in the real world, nearly drown in a painting, sail beautiful ships, look like Keanu Reeves, be evil, be good, dream of what could be. 
  • Stuff Black People Seem Do In This Movie – Do not appear. And I guess that makes sense. There probably weren’t a ton of people in that era of that part of England. You know, the era where paintings came to life and kids were besties with lions.
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The Tourist – Europe is Sexy and Dangerous and Sexy!

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – have sexy affairs, wear sexy dresses, wear sexy suits, have sexy accents, drive sexy boats, flutter their sexy bedroom eyes, get caught up in sexy adventures of mistaken identity.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie –

I guess it’s to be somewhat expected. I mean, people tend to make movies about themselves, starring themselves. The Tourist director, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck is German, so it makes sense that he’d make a movie about vaguely British people played by Americans with affected accents.

The Fighter – Marky Mark and Christian Bale – effing tough and effing hot.

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – joke around with their siblings, box, train hard, have daughters, have difficult families, have dreams, train boxers, work in bars, insult women, defend women, lose the fight, lose hope, make sports deals, turn their backs on their families, go to jail, reconcile with their families, triumph.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – pose an intimidating threat, beat the shit out of the hero, get beaten by the hero, work in jail.
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The Tempest – Oh, Julie Taymor with your eccentricities

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – conjure storms and fire, sail ships, be spirits, fall in love, perform Christopher Marlowe’s Shakespeare’s comedy, take revenge, make potions, turn into birds, dress in drag, enjoy a little homoeroticism, dance like nobody’s watching.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – I’m not sure exactly, but he seems to be giving advice or having a mud bath go terribly wrong.

Hmmm, maybe I should add “actor” to the list of jobs that it’s cool for an Oreo to have.

Seeing anything this weekend? What’ll it be?

Also, not to be a bad Oreo, but the last time I read Shakespeare, it kind of made my head explode. I remember it being so easy in high school. What happened? (Though I make up for it a bit in this video.) When I go back and check out The Scarlet Letter, will I be equally as surprised at how not-easy it is to skim through?

The Minority Report – The Room

Amazing.

Welcome to The Minority Report – a super quick movie review…about movies that may or may not have come out recently…or that are good.

The Room.

The room is a 99- minute romantic drama set in San Fransisco (you’ll know this from thy myriad and unnecessary establishing shots), where, apart from one valet, there are no people of color. Not at parties, not in coffee shops and not along the hilly streets.

But, that reeaaallly doesn’t matter, because holygoodness, seeing The Room was one of the GREATEST CINEMATIC EXPERIENCES OF ALL TIME!!!

I will do my best to explain what I witnessed on Saturday night.

This movie is not a good movie. It may be the worst film ever made that also got some sort of distribution. The casting is bizarre, the acting is terrible and the “script” makes no sense. But the film has a HUGE cult following, thanks in no small part to creepy looking writer/director/star Tommy Wiseau. The man has made a career off one terrible movie and not in the acceptable Kate Hudson sort of way.

People begin queuing up for this event a full two hours before it starts. They bring spoons, footballs and a  memorized list of chants. It’s interactive in the way that a Rocky Horror Picture Show screening is–though sans transvestites and catchy musical numbers but with the unsexiest kissing of all time and two sex scenes that will make your sexuality, whatever it is, just disappear. Every few seconds, there’s something else to yell at the screen, throw into the air or pantomime at your seat neighbor.

Tommy even makes a weird appearance before the “film” starts. Speaking in his “European” accent of indeterminable origin, Tommy avoids answering questions while vaguely sexually threatening pretty girls who dare to sit in the front couple of rows.  If it’s your birthday, he’ll scare the beejesus out of you by “singing” what he claims is Happy Birthday to you.

I have never laughed so hard or so long at anything in my life ever. The screenings happen once a month and the next one is on my birthday weekend. So Los Angelinos, come join me and get ready to laugh your faces right off.

How does this tie in to TOE? Well, as I stood in line, unaware that all this goodness was about to happen, I did notice that there were no black people…which is odd, because don’t RBP love shouting at movie screens?

If you have seen The Room, please let us know about it! If you like to talk to movie screens, let us know about that, too.

Any ideas for other movies that would be great if interactive?

And please. Please enjoy this clip from The Room below.

Yay! Women Win! So Do Of Colors…in the most wonderful of ways!

No, Sandy. Thank YOU! 🙂

I, along with millions of others, waited with bated breath as envelopes were opened and my work as an Oreo was thankfuly confirmed!

(First, I must pause to say, let’s hear it for the interpretive dance number…am I right!!!)

So many good things in this year’s 82nd Annual Academy Awards Ceremony. Director Kathryn Bigelow was awarded as the first female to win Oscar for Best Director for her work on The Hurt Locker. And in precious news to all those who are trying to escape their ethnicity, Sandra Bullock won for Best Actress for her work in the Oreo-tastic film, The Blind Side.

Bonus points for screenwriter Geoffrey Fletcher and actress Mo’Nique for their work on Precious. Extra bonus points goes to ‘Nique for leading us into the final Barbara Walters interview with some weird talk about how she and her husband are allowed to have sex with other people and an up close and personal look at how she doesn’t shave her legs. Why limit the conversation to tasteful, reasonable topics? We have an image to uphold and thus work against, here!

Bonus, bonus, bonus points for her ending the segment, not with the poised Mo’Nique we saw at the Academy Awards, but for sassing it up, just to remind us that we really only want the Academy to be just so progressive. Otherwise, of colors look just like regular people and all of our work is in vain. 

It’s great for women that the seal has been broken by Bigelow and that the nation can see that a woman is capable of directing a powerful, tense and gripping film with complex characters and a moving story.

Thank goodness then, that we are keeping of colors in the box that we as Oreos and Oreo adjacents need them to be in. 

By awarding a screenwriter for writing about the worst of of colorness and an actress for playing the worst of colorness while also awarding another actress for taking care of of colors when (per the other film featuring black people that was nominated for an Academy Award) no one else can, the Academy has reminded all of us of just how great it will be to shun our skin and ascend into true Oreodom. 

Nevermind that TBS leaves out a few key points of the story as  writer Prairie Miller puts it:

“… The Blind Side excels at expressing the profound maternal affection and protective instincts Tuohy develops for this lost young soul, other troubling matters that come to light are skimmed over, and never quite resolved with dramatic assurance. In particular, the formal charges that were eventually leveled against Tuohy and Oher’s high school football coach Hugh Freeze, by the National Collegiate Athletic Association. And essentially, that the boy was being financially exploited by this family seeking legal guardianship over him. Along with Freeze, who eventually got a paid position at the college, where both pressured for his matriculation as a student participant in football.

Eventually Freeze was found in ethical violation, though the movie avoids a deeper exploration of rampant exploitation of ghetto youth in sports. A far better film this year that tackles those issues head on, is the Anna Boden/Ryan Fleck candid Dominican baseball drama indie, Sugar.”

Peccadilloes like legal quandaries are a small price to pay for keeping the social order in check. 

Bonus points to me for DVRing this shindig so that I can watch both those fantastic pas de deux and see Sandy bring it home for me again and again and again.