The Minority Report – The Room

Amazing.

Welcome to The Minority Report – a super quick movie review…about movies that may or may not have come out recently…or that are good.

The Room.

The room is a 99- minute romantic drama set in San Fransisco (you’ll know this from thy myriad and unnecessary establishing shots), where, apart from one valet, there are no people of color. Not at parties, not in coffee shops and not along the hilly streets.

But, that reeaaallly doesn’t matter, because holygoodness, seeing The Room was one of the GREATEST CINEMATIC EXPERIENCES OF ALL TIME!!!

I will do my best to explain what I witnessed on Saturday night.

This movie is not a good movie. It may be the worst film ever made that also got some sort of distribution. The casting is bizarre, the acting is terrible and the “script” makes no sense. But the film has a HUGE cult following, thanks in no small part to creepy looking writer/director/star Tommy Wiseau. The man has made a career off one terrible movie and not in the acceptable Kate Hudson sort of way.

People begin queuing up for this event a full two hours before it starts. They bring spoons, footballs and a  memorized list of chants. It’s interactive in the way that a Rocky Horror Picture Show screening is–though sans transvestites and catchy musical numbers but with the unsexiest kissing of all time and two sex scenes that will make your sexuality, whatever it is, just disappear. Every few seconds, there’s something else to yell at the screen, throw into the air or pantomime at your seat neighbor.

Tommy even makes a weird appearance before the “film” starts. Speaking in his “European” accent of indeterminable origin, Tommy avoids answering questions while vaguely sexually threatening pretty girls who dare to sit in the front couple of rows.  If it’s your birthday, he’ll scare the beejesus out of you by “singing” what he claims is Happy Birthday to you.

I have never laughed so hard or so long at anything in my life ever. The screenings happen once a month and the next one is on my birthday weekend. So Los Angelinos, come join me and get ready to laugh your faces right off.

How does this tie in to TOE? Well, as I stood in line, unaware that all this goodness was about to happen, I did notice that there were no black people…which is odd, because don’t RBP love shouting at movie screens?

If you have seen The Room, please let us know about it! If you like to talk to movie screens, let us know about that, too.

Any ideas for other movies that would be great if interactive?

And please. Please enjoy this clip from The Room below.

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7 comments

  1. OMG! that was horrible. I’ve heard of this but never seen just how bad it is. Weird dialogue. Strange ominous music, bad ADR. I must see this at some point.

  2. Wow. If the rest of the movie is anything like this clip, your blog post was dead on. Even if there’s not much to the script, if the acting’s good enough, at least they have something to bring to the table.

  3. Welcome to the cult.

    Lori, it truly is that bad. That’s one of the better scenes, that halfway makes sense. It’s gloriously terrible, and gets worse/”better” with each viewing. I’ve been 3-4 times, and it is still one of the best cinematic experiences ever. EVER.

    1. @Jennie, someone was telling me that the guy who shows up about 3/4 of the way through and busts Lisa and Sestero at the party is meant to be the guy who “always plays psychologist.” That they just replaced the actor and kept the character the same. Do you know if that’s true?

  4. The Room and Trapped in the Closet are two of my all time favorite accomplishments of cinematic mastery. In the commentary for Trapped in the Closet, R Kelly actually explains the line “I pull out my Baretta” by saying he was really just trying to find a word that rhymed with “dresser”.
    Trapped in the Closet has the opposite color problem; there’s only one white person in the whole thing and she’s an ignorant fat cheater with a southern accent (provided my Mr. Kelly himself) who gets knocked up by a stripper.

    Both films deserve 15 Oscars a piece. Absolute paragons of film.

    1. Did R. Kelly do that song (maybe with Usher?) where part of the dialogue is “Did she work for TBS?” It was like this long story song about some girl who was seeing both men? Because that was pretty special, too.**

      **Please note that I only watched the video because it was on the The Soup. I was busy drooling over Joe McHale, not searching for hip hop vids.

  5. I like the graveyard pundidg because I know how tasty it is! Who hasn’t made the jello pundidg/cool whip/oreo cookie dirt cups? Delish. I like cute treats like this one for halloween. Scary ones turn me completely off.

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