movie reviews

Teasing from Teasers

Happy he's not an RBP

Playing with a new title, because that’s exactly what teasers do…Fun little pokes in the ribs to remind you of fantasy and fun. Teasers definitely tease the Oreo by showing them exactly what they’re working toward and what — with enough wassail-laced hoilday caroling parties and overtimes at hockey games — might be theirs!

Let’s take a look at what’s opening this weekend and see what we learn about how much more fun it is to not be an RBP (click here for definition).

The Chronicles of Narnia  – Voyage of the Dawen Treader: The wardrobe kids are at it again

  • Stuff White People Seem Do In This Movie – join the military, reprimand their brothers, fell out of place in the real world, nearly drown in a painting, sail beautiful ships, look like Keanu Reeves, be evil, be good, dream of what could be. 
  • Stuff Black People Seem Do In This Movie – Do not appear. And I guess that makes sense. There probably weren’t a ton of people in that era of that part of England. You know, the era where paintings came to life and kids were besties with lions.

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The Tourist – Europe is Sexy and Dangerous and Sexy!

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – have sexy affairs, wear sexy dresses, wear sexy suits, have sexy accents, drive sexy boats, flutter their sexy bedroom eyes, get caught up in sexy adventures of mistaken identity.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie –

I guess it’s to be somewhat expected. I mean, people tend to make movies about themselves, starring themselves. The Tourist director, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck is German, so it makes sense that he’d make a movie about vaguely British people played by Americans with affected accents.

The Fighter – Marky Mark and Christian Bale – effing tough and effing hot.

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – joke around with their siblings, box, train hard, have daughters, have difficult families, have dreams, train boxers, work in bars, insult women, defend women, lose the fight, lose hope, make sports deals, turn their backs on their families, go to jail, reconcile with their families, triumph.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – pose an intimidating threat, beat the shit out of the hero, get beaten by the hero, work in jail.

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The Tempest – Oh, Julie Taymor with your eccentricities

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – conjure storms and fire, sail ships, be spirits, fall in love, perform Christopher Marlowe’s Shakespeare’s comedy, take revenge, make potions, turn into birds, dress in drag, enjoy a little homoeroticism, dance like nobody’s watching.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – I’m not sure exactly, but he seems to be giving advice or having a mud bath go terribly wrong.

Hmmm, maybe I should add “actor” to the list of jobs that it’s cool for an Oreo to have.

Seeing anything this weekend? What’ll it be?

Also, not to be a bad Oreo, but the last time I read Shakespeare, it kind of made my head explode. I remember it being so easy in high school. What happened? (Though I make up for it a bit in this video.) When I go back and check out The Scarlet Letter, will I be equally as surprised at how not-easy it is to skim through?

Trailer Talk

Not sure what movies to check out this weekend? Well, you’re gonna want to check out the trailers and find something that’s

Can you buy it by the cord instead of just the yard?

inspiring, well-crafted and choc-o-block full of shots that reinforce your beliefs…especially the ones about how crappy it is to be black…if you’re even called upon to appear at all.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – The beginning of the end of Harry’s journey

Things non-colors do in this movie: Speak ominously, stare longingly, remember their parents, pose a wicked threat, sit on a council, fill the streets of England, attend parties, use their now powerful and precise magic skills, speak out of turn,  ride a Pegasus, stake their claims.

Things of colors do in this movie: Do not appear.

Hmmm, I guess if you want to play Quiddich and have cool powers, the first thing you need to do is to make that nasty pigment problem disappear.

The Next Three Days: Russel Crowe inflicts pain

Things non-colors do in this movie: have adorable moments with their sons, look beautiful first thing in the morning,start a raid, raise suspicion, state the theme, provide expertise, act hapless with a gun, make a daring escape, defy the odds.

Things of colors do in the movie: Arrest the heroine, stand in the background.

I want to do way more than beat up on the person we like…and fade into the distance like I did at my senior prom (and junior prom and sophomore homecoming…)

And for you limited-release film fans, there’s:

Made in Dagenham – Would be a Rom Com if it Were “Maid in Dagenham”

Things non-colors do in this movie: Speak snappily, be snarky to the opposite sex, sew, create a leader, be a leader, serve orange juice to their families, use sex to make a point, be the prime minister, have a dog, put their families in danger, ride bikes, win over their husbands, put their feet down, give fantastic soundbites.

Things of-colors do in this movie: N/A

White Material: How Could I Walk Away from This Title??

Things non-colors do in this movie: dance like nobody’s watching, speak French, warn of impending doom, insist on perfection, save a man from being speared to death, have awesome tattoos, need to rescue their son,

Things of-colors do in this movie: carry rifles, put a rifle in a woman’s face and demand money, aim spears at a sleeping man, hide in shadows, smell a white lady’s hair, start some sort of rioting,

Some people will say something along the lines of: “Of course there aren’t any black people in these movies. It’s not realistic to drop some of colors in the middle of Hogwarts or Irishy NYC neighborhoods or in 1968.” And I guess that makes sense. Flying horses, wizard boys and women who look 100% amazing 100% of the time are all way more realistic than an of color of note. These are movies after all, not total make believe.

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It’s Funny Cause it’s …

a) old

b) tired

c) an overused trope

d) lazy writing

e) umm…true?

Included in my work writing for and working in film and television, I often get the chance to do coverage. For the two people who aren’t my industry friends reading this blog, coverage is what happens when a non-executive type like myself reads a script for an executive type and writes a synopsis and feedback on the quality of the script. This is often a script’s first step toward not being made and provides writers like myself with valuable info.

Do enough coverage and you have a head’s up on what’s being submitted so you can either jump on a good bandwagon or avoid a tired subject. Also, you get a by proxy education as you read what does and does not work. What does work, apparently, because I’ve read it about a million times in the 5 years I’ve been doing this is one simple fact:

RBP are sassy, mean and HILARIOUS!

I just read a script and since I’ll probably be sued for saying who it was for or what the script was or who the writer was, I’ll just say this and hope that s/he is reading.

One of the characters was described thusly: “SHAKWANDA, a sassy African American receptionist…” and then she went on to have every line be “oh, nuh uh!” “I do NOT need this today,” “you best leave me alone fo’ I cut you,” etc. This would be unremarkable except that with the exception of one glorious family script that for the same above reasons, I cannot name, every script with a black character that I end up reading  is pretty much written this way.

There is some variation, of course. Sometimes the RBP in question is an athlete, sometimes an oversexed teen. But the character is always the same. They are not the hero, they are not the love interest, their lines haughtily punctuate the ends of scenes and their character arc only bends them from totally sassy, to slightly less sassy.

Needless to say, I am soooo over this.

I mean, c’mon. Just like I said in my open letter to Oprah, I have worked waaaaayyyy too hard for the only thing I need to be able to avoid are an accent and an attitude. I was born not talking that way. I would need the best accent coaches ever to figure out how to say grrrrl. And those years of ballet did not teach me to roll my neck. So help me keep my game up by keeping up yours.

Click here for more on an Oreo’s experience at the movies.

And here for an exec’s views on the Oreo experience.