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CNN is the New Black

Sometimes, it’s hard to know exactly what to do and not to do to be an Oreo. But just when you’re wondering:

Want to know what black is? This lady will tell you. She knows. She does research

“Hmmm, does this credit card charge, Episcopalian service or my position on gender roles make me more or less black?”

Along comes CNN for telling us exactly what it is to be “Black in America”….so that we can avoid it completely!

I have only seen snippets of this “documentary series” and was excited to read Elon James White’s recap of it. (I know, I know, I’m reading a black blog. But his last name is “White” so that must help, right?) The link above takes you to his article. And here’s an excerpt:

I jokingly tweeted “Watching BIA 3 again because apparently I hate my eyes” but as one particular great white hope said “A lot truth is said in jest.” Having now watched Black in America twice I’ll try to paint a picture of last nights installment in the “This is how the Negroes work” series.

Thanks to CNN, I’ve been able to add to my list of things to avoid. Things that black people apparently do that are very very different than non-colors and things I will begin to shun in order to not lose the Oreo points I have painstakingly amassed.

Some are obvious, like the don’t rap or don’t have a drug dealer as a relative rule. But others are sneakier. Now it’s goodbye to using credit cards, dealing with college debt, contemplating spirituality. Because according to “Black in America” those are things unique to the of color experience.

And major Coconut points go to Soledad O’Brien, the Cuban/Australian journalist helming this series. One way to make yourself feel better about your own brownish heritage is to make others feel a little worse about theirs.

Hmm, I wonder if she’d take my pitch for “Oreo in America.”

For more ways to make sure that the person you’re talking to is an actual Oreo click here.

And for more ways to keep up with The Oreo Experience, click here.

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Oreo Fun Facts and Updates!

FACT: The music video “White (on the inside) Christmas” will not be the first time that director Geoffrey Plitt and I have worked together. It also won’t be the first time he reminded me why I love being an Oreo so much!

Here’s the story!

The social cred that comes with being an Oreo doesn’t stop at things like making people feel comfortable enough to casually use racial epithets in conversation or not having to show your ticket to get back into a crowded improv theater. Sometimes, you get really cool opportunities!

When my Geoff needed someone to play Michelle Obama in an hilarious short musical, he thought long and hard to find someone who was experienced, talented, could take direction, cared for the cause…and who was black.

And thanks to the limited number of of colors in independent comedy viral videos, he found me!

Check out me playing the first lady here!

Very excited to work with Geoff again on White (on the inside) Christmas!!

A big thank you to everyone who’s joined the team through our Kickstarter campaign. You guys have made it incredibly successful and we really really appreciate it!

There’s just a couple of days left to sign up. And remember, joining the team by pledging any amount gets you cool perks like the password to protected blog posts where production videos and Oreo secrets will be revealed! Click here to see our Kickstarter page with more video updates, comments from other backers and more info about the video shoot including song excerpts and storyboards!

And coming up soon! New posts and videos about some questionable fashion choices, why the confusingly named Juan Williams is an Oreo icon and news on a chance to see The Oreo Experience on stage in LA.

On The Menu – Fitting in – (Imported from Germany)

Mmmm, sweet potato bisque with a side of acculturation!

People are making quite a to-do over German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s comments this weekend that immigrants who speak German with an accent are making the entire country dumber. During a speech last weekend, Merkel said:

“This approach has failed, totally,” she said, adding that immigrants should integrate and adopt Germany’s culture and values.

“We feel tied to Christian values. Those who don’t accept them don’t have a place here,” said the chancellor.

People say it’s not fair to impose that kind of conformity on people just trying to make it in this world. Pshaw! I say. We all have rules that we expect people to respect in our own homes. Why not in society as well?

For example, last night, I attended a lovely dinner party where the host, rightfully so, protected her home by making sure that we conformed to what she decided was best for her space.

She asked that we take our shoes off as she just had some lovely travertine put and didn’t want it all scuffed. Perfectly reasonable request. Unfortunately, one of her guests was in a boating accident over the weekend where he broke his foot. His foot was in one of those big boot casts–way too heavy for the delicate stone floors. And because of his still-healing injury, he couldn’t take it off. It was nothing personal, but because she was protecting her home, she kindly asked him to GTFO.

She held the dinner as a bit of a salon to discuss some new opera works. One of the women brought her deaf boyfriend and offered to interpret for him. Nothing personal, but we were there to talk, not to play charades all night. And we were talking about music, something he’s never even heard. So, the host protected the work we had all done doing research and listening to samples by asking him to GTFO.

And she all teared up when she asked her sister to GTFO after it was discovered that he sister didn’t match the $75 budget for the gift exchange. Sure she’s been out of work for the last 9 months and was just looking for some company, but every society has its rules. Even a small opera appreciation society.

About an hour later and it was just the two of us….until I goofed. She specifically asked for a Sicillian desert wine and I got my “S”s mixed up and brought Spanish instead. I’m sure her empanadas would have been fine with what I brought, but I should have been more respectful. She didn’t even have to say it. I knew what I did wrong, so while she went to put on a brave face in the loo, I picked up my shoes and GTFO.

She posted facebook pictures the next day. She seemed to have a great time all by herself.

5 Ways to Eat Chicken

We all know that RBP love cripsy chicken products at a significantly higher rate than non colors. So it’s imperative that Oreos stay away from said food. Sometimes, however, eating chicken will be nearly unavoidable. Here are four ways that an Oreo can make eating chicken palatable.

On someone else’s dime, quarter or gold Sacagawea head dollar. If the president of your boating society or captain of your rowing team or Young Republicans secretary is buying, go ahead and eat. But do so daintily. Avoid picking it up with your fingers, instead, use a knife and fork (cutting of course with your dominant hand and not switching the utensils when the slice has been severed) and remove any skin. This will clue your company in to the fact that while you can enjoy the meat, you eat it with only reasonable amount of happiness. And also, it will take so dang long for you to finish, they’ll never serve it again.

With an alibi. When eating out with your tennis partner or bank manager, do be sure to start the meal by preemptively asking for alternatives. A well-timed “Ohh, I hear they have great Quiche here,” can do wonders! If chicken is the only option, you can eat it, secure in the knowledge that you did your part to avoid.

Cordon-bleu. This is an acceptable way to eat chicken, provided you practice the pronunciation. It’s not “Cord-On-Bloo,” it’s more of a “Khor-duhn-bluh.” Say it right and a) no one will be totally sure what you’re saying and b) will be too blown away by your accent to notice the chicken part.

At Chick Fil A. It’s fried chicken, for sure, but the company is owned by Mormons who have a…storied relationship with black people that involves of colors having historically been prevented from holding positions in the church because their dark skin proved they fought on the side of Cain in the great battle between God and the devil. That rules changed in the late 1970s, when the church caught up to the country and discovered that blatant racism was slightly out of vogue. They also encourage self-loathing in the gays–basically they do a lot to keep the mainstream mainstream and no matter how much we like RENT and The Green Party, the mainstream is the stream we’re all trying to swim in.

In secret. With the ability to avoid any slips of the tongue, forgotten protocol or pictures that end up on facebook, this is really the best option.

For more chicken confessions, check out this diary entry, what happened when I went to screening of my web series, and how I broke all the above rules on my birthday last week.

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