The new “some of my best friends are black”

Sometimes, though they will be impressed with the progress you are making as an Oreo, non-colors will be confused. They’ll look at your burning pile of Ella Fitzgerald records and say something “Do you really need to try so hard to hide? I mean, c’mon, we have a black President.”

The phrase “We have a black President,” seems to be the new “C’mon, some of my best friends are black.”

People will use the phrase to justify anything from encouraging you to accept their present of Jay-Z tickets to being fairly openly racist.

Variations of this phrase include,

  • “…so what if diversity levels at companies are down, things are clearly different, we have a black President now.”
  • “…so what if Harry Reid said what he said, the guy in charge of making him apologize is our black President.”
  • “…who cares that the word “negro” will be on the Census, it obviously doesn’t mean anything bad, we have a black President.”

It may be tempting to point to statics that show that having a black President has done little so far to change the demographics of the inner city working poor or improve the conditions at under funded schools. But doing so will cause you to be seen as an RBP, so stuff it or be ready to be considered the affirmative action slip up.

The better choice is to run a polishing rag over your Young Republicans pin and say “you’re right. Things are different now.”

And be on the look out for other variations on this theme.

  • You may hear something like: “C’mon LL Cool J’s on NCIS.”

Usually said in response to: A sigh or lament at the fact that most criminals on police procedurals who kill with some sort of complicated and almost understandable emotion are white; and most killers who simply boast of blowing some kid, businessman or prostitute away with no remorse or sense of self-control are of color.

Proper Oreo Response: You’re right. And I do love Cool James.

  • You may hear something like: “C’mon, you have Roots.”

Usually said in response to: A lament at the fact that film canon about the Holocaust consists of well made movies that show all kinds of emotion, storytelling and filmmaking prowess while movies made about America’s holocaust, slavery, are relegated to maudlin TV movies and show slaves falling in love with their horrifically abusive masters while ignoring stories about how male slaves were regularly castrated sans sedatives, how lots of what we know about gynecology today came from living experiments on female slaves or that the American slave trade was kept going for 50 years after international slave trading was outlawed by slave owners who kept female slaves like breeding cows.

Proper Oreo Response. You’re right. Who doesn’t love Lamar? 

  • You May Hear Something Like: “C’mon, they’re the heroes, they have to win big.”

Usually Said in Response To: Walking out of Avatar and thinking, “isn’t this Dance with Wolves or The Last Samurai just with aliens and a bazillion dollars of special effects instead of minorities. I’m not saying it’s a white guilt allegory, but maybe.”

Proper Oreo Response: You’re Right. Learning one of the most complicated linguistic systems ever known (DWW/AVA), mastering an art in a few months that people have literally spent their whole lives perfecting (AVA/TLS) and being the white love savior for a poor indentured native girl (DWW/AVA) is more than reasonable.

Learn these conversations and soon you may hear something like “You do play squash, right? You should join my league, we meet on Saturday.”

Proper Oreo Response: I’ll be there with bells on.

TC - Keeping it Real

Help For Haiti

Don’t think that it hasn’t been tempting to Oreo up current events.

On one hand, giving to charity is a wonderfully ruling class thing to do. Nothing reminds you that you don’t have to deal with a certain group of people than writing a check to an organization who will give you praise and a tax write off for your efforts.

But giving to ethnic organizations in league with other of colors, well, that makes you a pretty typical RBP, yes?

The post was going to read something like that.

But the more I listened to report after reporting coming in–and especially after the aftershocks today, the more I not only didn’t want to go quite so far over the line, but the more I wanted to make sure that everyone who can, did help out.

Some links are here. I chose Clinton’s campaign. And I encourage you to choose whatever suits you.

And don’t worry, the snark and cynicism will return later in the week.

“Racism Nearly Over,” Fox News says!

Are they right?

In an article published on foxnews.com, the confusingly named Juan Williams chided major newspapers for not publishing startling findings from the Pew Research Center for People and the Press that said that whites and blacks are existing in a blissful state of grey and that both camps feel that issues surrounding race are about to vanish.

Let’s take a look at some of his finer points:

JW writes:

“The poll by the respected Pew Research Center for the People and the Press found that 70 percent of white Americans and 60 percent of black Americans “believe values held by blacks and white have become more similar in the past decade.”

I agree. Sure, blacks and white do have the same values. Like I’m sure both sides value say, not murder and not being poor and finding love when they least expect it. Most people have similar values to other people. This doesn’t mean, however that they have similar ways of or equal access to pursuing those values.

For example, I value feeding my soul as well as my belly by having a relaxing, long lunch. So does my boss. We both can’t be out of the office for an extended period of time. Guess who wins.

JW continues:

“The poll also found that 65 percent of whites and 56 percent of blacks believe the gap between standards of living for the two races has narrowed over the last ten years. Even as incomes between the races have slightly widened during those ten years there is the feeling among both races that the level of comfort – living standard – is increasingly similar.”

Here, Williams admits that the gap has gotten bigger, but is happy that we’ve all been duped to believe otherwise.

And take a look at this gem…carefully:

“And in what I think is the most amazing finding of the new poll 52 percent of blacks said that black people who are not getting ahead today are “responsible for their own situation.” Only one-third of black Americans said racism is keeping down the black poor.

Fifteen years polls found the exact opposite with most black people pointing to racism as the major impediment to black people rising up the ladder of social and economic opportunity in the U.S.”

JW asserts that it’s a good thing that fewer blacks feel that racism is making life harder for them. That people are “responsible for their own situation.” This, just after he wrote that the economic gap between blacks and whites is widening. 

The inference that has to be drawn from these two statements is that the gap is widening because of something that blacks are doing wrong. Because if racism or historically disenfranchising systems aren’t the problem, then it has to be blacks themselves.

See why I’m trying to hard to escape my ethnicity!

But wait, there’s more!

JW says:

“But there is something else going on here. Since the intense years of civil rights activism in the 1950s and 1960s the rates of high school graduation, income and home ownership have all been climbing for black Americans. But despite those decades of change polls did not find any sudden rise in optimism among black people to match what this latest Pew poll has uncovered.

I think I know why.

Black Americans and especially black civil rights leaders did not want to acknowledge the progress being made on the race relations front. Blacks feared that white America — in the form of government, foundations, churches and educational institutions — might point to any admission of racial progress as evidence that there was no more work to be done to heal the damage done to contemporary American life by racism.”

I heart that he makes this grand and sweeping assertion without any quote or research to back up such a theory.

So is racism about to meet an untimely end? Based on recent films, Golden Globe winners and meetings I’ve had, likely not. But that issue is eclipsed by the best thing about this article and this writer…he’s of color. Were this article written by a non color Foxer, I’d be nonplussed, but it looks like JW is one of us. So I welcome his castigation of the working poor and un-backed up theories with open arms! Welcome aboard Juan.

But we are going to have to change that first name. We can talk about it over ‘tinis. See you at the club, Trevor!

We got another one!

MLK Day Oreo Awards – The Creamies Take on The Golden Globes

On this Martin Luther King Jr., Day, The Oreo Experience would like to take a minute to thank a hero of the black community for showing us just how far we can come…if we have the right (read: the white) support.

And thus, a Creamy goes to the Hollywood Foreign Press for the Golden Globe they gave Sandra Bullock last night for her performance in The Blind Side. Breakout work by an unknown, but raw and heartfelt new talent Gabourey Sidibe, be damned (or for that matter, the ever-regal Helen Mirren, too). We need more white people to the rescue.

A follow up Creamy goes to the Hollywood Foreign Press for giving Mo’Nique a Golden Globe for her performance as a horribly abusive ghetto mom, and thus reminding us how terrible it is to be of color. They could have awarded Morgan Freeman for playing Nelson Mandela or Chiwetel Ejiofor for playing a smart and clever and thoughtful villain.

But, when they keep things consistent and reward of colors for portraying their worst and the ruling class for portraying their best, it really helps keep us Oreo hopefuls motivated. Thanks, HFPA. And by all means, don’t feel the need to cut your speech, our orchestra won’t play you off for a while.

PS…did you notice? Four of color nominees total (including all other categories if you’re curious, but not counting Penelope Cruz). Three of those four playing something/someone negative or frightening and/or unwelcome in your average saddlery. See, sucks to be an RPB.

Dear Guy on Facebook

I wanted to apologize to you for two things. One, that I’m not going to return your heartfelt message; and two, that you’re having a hard time with context clues.

While I appreciated your note which read thusly: 

HI YOUR SO PRETTY WUD LUV TO GET WIT U I WERE LOOKING AT YOUR PICS HIT ME WHEN GET A CHANCE WaNNa HoLlA AT U

Your note makes it pretty clear that you and I would not last long as an item. Nevermind the you’re/your issue and the unnecessary use of screamy ALL CAPS, I’m more concerned that after scanning my photos and seeing my lily white blanchetourage gaggle of freckled friends, shots of me performing avant garde theater and standing outside of Austrian cathedrals, you chose the above line to introduce yourself to me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand the benefits of dating an Oreo, but if that’s what your after, you should chose your words more carefully. The following are some examples of the kind of things that will get the attention of an anglo-enthusiast like myself.

  • “…You remind me of a teacher I had when I was studying at The Globe…”
  • “…Listen, I’ve got box seats for the Canadiens and for Carmen this weekend. Would like to join me at either?”
  • “Quiche lorraine, honey blueberry blintzes or an Eric Rohmer retrospective…which would you prefer for breakfast?”
  • You’re making my heart feel as high as I was while I was show jumping last week. 
  • “Die jurk kijkt echt goed op u. Ik wed dat ik zal, ook.” 

Now, it’s only fair to say that OreoWriter is spoken for. So sorry gentlemen, and that one lesbian I may have misrepresented myself to at the CLO auction party the other week. I really wanted that tenor to leave me alone. Just because he had a paddle does not mean I wanted him to do anything with it.

Recession Breeds More Oreos!

 

Choose Carefully! (Oh! And I have a great Jane Austen primer if you need suggestions!)

 

This weekend, NPR revisited a spate of stories discussing how black job applicants with obvious ethnicity in their resumes and on their applicants are whitening those elements and seeing success from their efforts. Qualified, but un- or underemployed of colors are changing their names, removing HBCUs from their education profile, erasing ethnic organizations from their professional work history list and opting for anglo references instead of color colleagues.

Everyone’s having a hard time finding work in these times and ethnic applicants, more than doubly so. 

The choice to blanche the background is based on evidence that employers shy away from resumes that sound too ethnic for their offices. This practice, though helpful, is not without effect.

“…the strategy of hiding race — in particular changing names — can be soul-piercing. It prompted one African-American reader of the article to write that he was reminded of the searing scene in the groundbreaking TV miniseries “Roots” when the runaway slave Kunta Kinte is whipped until he declares that his name is Toby, the name given to him by his master.

Black job seekers said the purpose of hiding racial markers extended beyond simply getting in the door for an interview. It was also part of making sure they appeared palatable to hiring managers once race was seen. Activism in black organizations, even majoring in African-American studies can be signals to employers. Removing such details is all part of what Ms. Orr described as “calming down on the blackness.”

Newbies, I understand that it hurts. But doing the right thing often does.

Welcome aboard!

Oreo Resolutions

In addition to accepting apologies, I also made New Year’s Resolutions befitting of an Oreo. I kept the list short this year, just three things that my Franklin Covey organizational system will hopefully help me achieve. 

1. Fully appreciate Thomas Keller.

2. Develop business plan for coffee shop, art gallery, yoga studio or tapas restaurant.

3. Blush convincingly. 

Suggestions, pointers and menu suggestions are welcomed and appreciated. 

Nothing feels as good as living in your second quadrant!

 

 

A Friend Apologizes

After a 98% fantastic New Year’s Eve, I received this email this morning. After reading,we’re at 100% fantastic. Thanks, J.

Hey You!

Happy New Year. It was great seeing you at the yacht party on Thursday night. So glad the Civic Light Opera let you out early so you could ring in the new year with us.

I also wanted to check in with you. I wasn’t sure if you were upset about the guest list and I hope that we didn’t offend you.  Malcolm has been a family friend for years and years and we just couldn’t not invite him.

Please don’t misunderstand. I totally get your life choice and I know how scary it must have been to see him standing starboard. I did my best to keep you two from interacting, though I saw you both reaching for the saffron balls at the same time, I hope you made it through that okay. What can I say, you both love saffron!

Anyway, thanks again for coming. Oh! And thank you so much for your Bowline on a Bight skills. I don’t know why Trevor felt he had to swing out over the sea, but we probably would have lost him were it not for your knot.

All the best in 2010! We’re going to see the Lipizanners next month. Want us to get you a ticket?

-J

 

PS. Despite your rules, I do think that you and Malcolm would make a great couple. Just saying. He lives in Hancock Park. And plays lacrosse. 🙂

A Christmas Present at the Movies

With my carolling song book packed away for next year, my Dickens Fair costume tucked into its moisture controlled box and my crush on Jude Law firmly in place, I spent a lovely Christmas evening enjoying Sherlock Holmes. 

Not only was the movie itself great–old London, great pacing and direction, a beauty standard I could never live up to–but I got an extra special surprise during the previews before the film even began.

Now, it is important to note that the expectations for the box office draw for Sherlock Holmes were high. Execs were counting on just bunches and bunches of people seeing this flick, so it was important to front load the feature with trailers that would appeal to most people–i.e, trailers that reflected what most people would want and expect to see from a quality film. 

The trailers did not disappoint and once again, reinforced how much and why we Oreos don’t want to be black. Please allow me to break down the films based on the trailers shown tonight for you.

Season of the Witch – Nick Cage battles an evil lady.

  • Things White People Do In This Movie: Be intriguingly in league with thedevil, intelligently discover what is going wrong in the town, find the right man for the job, assemble a group of capable men, belong to the group of capable men, save the day.
  • Things Black People Do In This Movie: n/a (judging from the trailer, there appear to be no black people appearing in this film.)

Date Night – Tina Fey and Steve Carrell love each other and get into mishaps.

  • Things White People Do In This Movie – be in love, work on their relationship, take care of their TMJ, have children who love them, go to fancy dinners, have enough money to be wanted by thugs, lead each other on a clever cat and mouse chase through the streets of a major city, be gorgeous even when poverty stricken, look super hot in their high tech apartment.
  • Things Black People Do In This Movie – Scare people. According to this trailer, there’s one black guy in this film and he has no lines in the trailer. A quick analysis of movies means this is probably because he has few lines in the movie at all or because his lines are inappropriate for a trailer. So he’s either foul or unnecessary. Either way, I don’t wanna be that guy.

Iron Man 2 – Robert Downey, Jr. is sexy.

  • Things White People Do In This Movie – Be sexy, invent world-changing technology, run courtrooms, bring a room to its feet, tease each other andmake cute jokes about other movies about white people, fly, grace the covers of magazines, fight badassly in impossibly tight costumes, win.
  • Things Black People Do In This Movie – look pensive, fight, replace other black people. Instead of Terrance Howard, we have Don Cheadle in this sequel. And according to the trailer dons an Iron Man suit himself. Again, he has no lines in the trailer, so it’s hard to tell what his attitude is except one of support and service to his white buddy, Rob. 
  • Things Other People of Color Do In This Movie – Threaten the safety of America.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – Nick Cage has another movie??

  • Things White People Do In This Movie – Be a relatable everykid, conjureexciting things, train an up and comer, drive fancy cars, fall in love, leave reality behind, save the day.
  • Things Black People Do In This Movie – n/a

Clash of the Titans – gorgeous, amazing badassery set in ancient Gre

ece.

  • Things White People Do In This Movie – Have amazing abs, be royalty, bravely battle terrible beasts, be deities, demonstrate superb underwaterbreath control, have layered emotional journeys, survive incredible odds, have sex.
  • Things Black People Do In This Movie – n/a

Cop Out – Tracy Morgan lowers the bar.

  • Things White People Do In This Movie – Explain the “right way to do police work,” prepare to take care of themselves, baffle the black lead, silently criticize, remain cool under pressure, high five.  

    Better times with TM

  • Things Black People Do In This Movie – ruffle feathers, say “hell no!”, get bothered by high school pranks, use Barack Obama to justify questionable judgement, high five. 

Now, some might argue that there are some logistical issues like the fact that black people didn’t exist in Ancient Greece, but you know what else didn’t exist, Krakens. However, I do suppose a giant, underwater, half-god hellbeast is more believable than an of color in a respected position of power and authority. It’s the movies, after all, not total make-believe. 

Either way, I’m totally getting up early tomorrow to see Did You Hear About the Morgans. Hugh Grant is a favorite. I know it was ages ago, but he could have chosen to pay to have secret sex with anyone and he chose to pay to have secret sex with a black girl….so it’s like he paid to have secret sex with me.

It was very special.