movie trailers

Trailer Talk

It's "Black Swan"...not Blaaaack Swizan

Nothing makes me want to shed my ethnicity like going to the movies. Soooooo jealous of all the fun white people get to have. At the same time, however, it lets me know that be loathing the skin I’m in, I’m on the right track. I mean, I saw the trailer for For Colored Girls. Yikes! Being a Regular Black Person (RBP for the newbies) looks really hard and sad and scary and seems to make you way more likely to cut a bitch.

And I don’t want to cut any bitches.

Taking a look at the movies opening this week (and some from last since I missed an entry) to see what best firms up my commitment to being an Oreo!

Black Swan – Ballet, Portman and girl-on-girl love, oh my!

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – talk to themselves, dance ballet, be overbearing, hold lavish parties, create competition, go en pointe, take advantage, take baths, take off running, shapeshift.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – n/a…I mean, have you seen the way RBP dance? Definitely would not fit in with this movie.

All Good Things – Ryan Gosling tries to escape his complicated, tortured past

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie -wear tuxes with huge bowties, arrive mysteriously, have dinner with friends, play tennis, visit the other side of the tracks, get married, disapprove of weddings, enjoy lakeside chats, get caught up in the family business, dramatically remove glasses.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – Do not appear, though I suspect there might be one at one of those parties serving drinks or parking cars.

Dead Awake -Best I can tell, there’s a mystery…and death…and skip-bleach processing

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – Pensively watch home movies, relieve events, trap loved ones, see ghosts, get admitted to hospitals, yell, cry, walk precariously on the edge of buildings.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – do not appear

I Love you, Phillip Morris -Jim Carey looks pretty decent in briefs.

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – be lawyers, be judges, be charming white collar criminals, have families, play in the grocery store, fall in love, wear yellow n jail, golf, have pets, get in over their heads, have unusually understanding spouses, crossdress.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – populate the prison, work as a prison guard, work as a mover.

I think it’s neat that on the streets, in the courtroom and at the grocery store there are no black people. Why? Well, you see that once they get to the jail…that’s there the RBP are!

Night Catches Us – Oh look, here are some black people in a movie. Wonder what they’ll do!

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – frisk an RBP.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – get into bar fights, explain their absence, be loathe to forgive, get handcuffed–shirtless, look lovely on a porch swing, be Black Panthers, carry handguns, threaten their friends, carry rifles, shoot firearms at children, try to explain things to their children, run for cover, wipe prints off handguns.

Holyeffingyikes, being of color is rough and scary!

The Warriors Way – Ninjas V. Cowboys?

I tried to say some snarky stuff about this one, but it kinda looks really badass….No black people, though. And I guess, sure there weren’t too many black folks in the Old West, but there weren’t flying ninjas, either.

Why does this matter to Oreos? Well, whether we like it or not, people are very much affected by what they see on TV. It’s why advertising works. So to remind us over and over that of colors are at best marginal players and at worst criminals, it really helps those of us trying to hide our true colors find better and better hiding places.

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Trailer Talk

Not sure what movies to check out this weekend? Well, you’re gonna want to check out the trailers and find something that’s

Can you buy it by the cord instead of just the yard?

inspiring, well-crafted and choc-o-block full of shots that reinforce your beliefs…especially the ones about how crappy it is to be black…if you’re even called upon to appear at all.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – The beginning of the end of Harry’s journey

Things non-colors do in this movie: Speak ominously, stare longingly, remember their parents, pose a wicked threat, sit on a council, fill the streets of England, attend parties, use their now powerful and precise magic skills, speak out of turn,  ride a Pegasus, stake their claims.

Things of colors do in this movie: Do not appear.

Hmmm, I guess if you want to play Quiddich and have cool powers, the first thing you need to do is to make that nasty pigment problem disappear.

The Next Three Days: Russel Crowe inflicts pain

Things non-colors do in this movie: have adorable moments with their sons, look beautiful first thing in the morning,start a raid, raise suspicion, state the theme, provide expertise, act hapless with a gun, make a daring escape, defy the odds.

Things of colors do in the movie: Arrest the heroine, stand in the background.

I want to do way more than beat up on the person we like…and fade into the distance like I did at my senior prom (and junior prom and sophomore homecoming…)

And for you limited-release film fans, there’s:

Made in Dagenham – Would be a Rom Com if it Were “Maid in Dagenham”

Things non-colors do in this movie: Speak snappily, be snarky to the opposite sex, sew, create a leader, be a leader, serve orange juice to their families, use sex to make a point, be the prime minister, have a dog, put their families in danger, ride bikes, win over their husbands, put their feet down, give fantastic soundbites.

Things of-colors do in this movie: N/A

White Material: How Could I Walk Away from This Title??

Things non-colors do in this movie: dance like nobody’s watching, speak French, warn of impending doom, insist on perfection, save a man from being speared to death, have awesome tattoos, need to rescue their son,

Things of-colors do in this movie: carry rifles, put a rifle in a woman’s face and demand money, aim spears at a sleeping man, hide in shadows, smell a white lady’s hair, start some sort of rioting,

Some people will say something along the lines of: “Of course there aren’t any black people in these movies. It’s not realistic to drop some of colors in the middle of Hogwarts or Irishy NYC neighborhoods or in 1968.” And I guess that makes sense. Flying horses, wizard boys and women who look 100% amazing 100% of the time are all way more realistic than an of color of note. These are movies after all, not total make believe.

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