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Congratulations to The Blind Side!!

In honor of Sandra Bullock’s tour de force, The Blind Side, making it to #2 at the box office this weekend (second only to vampire/werewolf mega sensation New Moon) The Oreo Experience is pleased to release some as yet unheard material from pre production.

While this song (recorded with white [natch] singer/songwriter Athena) unfortunately did not make it into the final soundtrack, I think it does a great job at showing why this movie is so important to an Oreo. Without movies like these showing us how RBP just can’t cut it on their own, they remind us why we fight so hard to be anything but an RBP.

Please enjoy.

Can’t get enough of this thematic material? I know I sure can’t! Gotta keep the Oreo fires burning with something. For more material that will remind you that RBP just can’t do it on their own and make you love to hate every drop of melanin you were born with, check out not only The Blind Side, but also, Dangerous Minds, Freedom Writers, O, Hardball, Up the Down Staircase, Step Up, Bring it On, Step Up 2: The Streets, Finding Forrester, Precious-Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, Fighting the Odds: The Marilyn Gambrell Story, Hancock, Wildcats, The Gridiron Gang, Friday Night Lights, and Transformers 2-because even on a near-apocalypitc, robotic future, the black robots are the only ones who can’t read. Thanks, ruling class, we clearly, really owe you!

Two Truths and a White Lie

little-white-lies-fingers-crossed-behing-back-2-main_Full Do you want to play a game?

You remember this camp/drinking game favorite: Two Truths and a Lie. The speaker makes three statements. Two of them are true, one of them is not. Your goal is to pick out the white lie.

Play along and let’s see how you do.

A. My mother taught me to notice my status by playing a game with me at well-attended events called “Count the Black People.”
B. I sang contralto at my alma mater’s Madrigal Dinner Theater.
C. I was made to sing “I Wish I was in Dixie” with my elementary school choir.

A. I downloaded some Kristen Chenowith this week.
B. I downloaded some 50 Cent this week.
C. I downloaded some Relient K this week.

A. I attended a party in West Hollywood where I was the only person of color.
B. I attended a party in Downtown Burbank where I was the only person of color.
C. I attended a party in West Adams where I was the only person of color.

A. I’ve sung Tori Amos’ “Cornflake Girls” at karaoke.
B. I’ve sung Jewel’s “Who Would Save Your Soul” at karaoke.
C. I’ve sung Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man” at karaoke.

A. W.E.B Dubois was awarded the Lenin Peace Prize by the then Soviet Union.
B. Frederick Douglas taught himself to read by competing with white kids in the shipyard.
C. Marian Anderson was a mezzo-soprano.

THE LIES

1. B – I sang soprano in my college’s Madrigal Dinner Theater. Mom first taught me to play CTBP when we went to a Lipizanner Stallion showcase. Changed my life forever. How many black people were there at the event? Counting my mom and myself, 2. And, yes, as part of some very well conceived show in fifth grade, I sang lipizzaner-wfls-capriole-new (soprano, natch) along to “I wish I was in Dixie, hooray, hooray. In Dixieland, I’d make my stand to live and die in Dixie. Away, away, away down south in Dixie!”

2. C – The EP I was looking for wasn’t available. Oh, and 50–it was a gift…for a clearly questionable associate.

3. Haha! This is a trick question. At all of those parties, I was the only person of color. Yes, even in the hood, I can find the party where my people refuse to go.

4. A – The truth was, I sang Tori Amos’ “Crucify” at karaoke, not “Cornflake Girl.” Important side note: The only time I had a total karaokefail was singing “Son of a Preacher Man.” I thought I was safe because Dusty’s so white, but preachers and their ilk are a big part of black culture. Seems even evoking the imagery and the very light soul runs were enough to have my song cut short. My apologies to the crowd. Next week, I’ll get back to my style and try “Taylor the Latte Boy.”

5. If you know the answer to this one, you’re playing the wrong game.

Tyler Perry in Question

diaryblackwoman6 So, it’s been the general opinion of this blog, its readers and the movie viewership of America that Tyler Perry is the cheif anti-Oreo. What the spawn of satan will be to the end of days, TPear is to attempts to assimilate.

The Oreo Experience wonders now if this is the case.

Hear me out. While Tyler appears to stand for all that TOE detests, there are some key elements about him that may indicate is is a sheep in wolf’s clothing and perhaps, and this is a big perhaps, an Oreo deep down inside.

For example, Tyler Perry:

Exhibits a poor view of black people. His movies and shows rely on trite sterotypes to find the funny. Is he writing this way because it’s what makes money, or because it’s what he believes? If it was purely about capitalism, surely some of his truth would have seeped out by now and he would have made something pleasant. But the self-loathing evident in his product makes him a prime candidate for Oreodom.

Enjoys exploiting people of color. At his current rate of production, TP puts out a movie and nearly a full run of TV series a year. This means he has a slew of people working very hard so that he can make media junket appearances. Because he runs “black” shows, and because he chose to settle in Atlanta, most of his employees are of color. Notably, his writers, who Perry seemingly prevented from joining their union during their employ. Only relatively recently, and after millions in his own pockets did TP give in.

Is intmidated by Spike Lee. Thanks to blogger Belle Woods for reposting comments on Tyler Perry’s reaction to director Spike Lee. Apparently Spike called TP on the carpet for his portrayal of black people. Tyler fought back, claiming that Madea is really a subversive way of instilling value in the viewers. Now, while a true Oreo would invite Spike over for scones and conversation, a self loather would take the same emotional stance as the fairer folks and tuck tail a bit when Lee speaks.

The jury is still definitely out. But I’m keeping my eye on him. Maybe he’ll surprise me.

Or maybe we’ll get a new summer blockbuster: Madea Does Dallas.

Obama Takes Don’t Ask Don’t Tell From Gays, Gives to Oreos

alg_obama_dont_ask WASHINGTON – In a highly anticipated move this weekend, President Barack Obama promised gays in the military that they would soon no longer have to abide by the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy and told Oreos that they would soon be able to.

“This is a huge victory,” said Trevor Wilcox, an Oreo from New Hampshire. “It always comes up in conversation that we’re ‘different than other black people.’ Now, the phrase ‘black people’ can’t even enter into the conversation. It’s like hiding in plain sight. We couldn’t be happier.”

At the President’s historic speech, some Oreos expressed their condolences toward the gay community.

Said Becky Harris, an Oreo from Buffalo, Wyoming: “You would think as a near-Oreo himself, Obama would know better than to ask gays to be openly against the mainstream. I mean, during his campaign, Obama went through great pains to support white frustration at black angst, distance himself from his black pastor and have his wife wear J. Crew.”

At the end of the speech, the crowd of thousands cheered Obama’s pledge. However, if the new Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy goes the way of of Obama’s other campaign promises, these changes won’t go into effect until sometime in the 3000s.

Catch 22s – What’s an Oreo to Do?

210160_f520 I just finished taking the Stuff White People Like Test again. It’s part of my regular Oreo maintenance and something I would recommend all Oreo hopefuls do to track their progress.(NOTE: The SWPL list online varies slightly from the test in the book–which, of course, is a proud part of my home library).

Don’t worry if you start out with an initial score in the 60s or 70s, you’re still half way there. Not all of us can get a 97% like yours truly.

And some anglo-tastic things do take getting used to. When I first started eating expensive sandwiches, for example, my common sense really wanted to kick in and tell me to save my $17 dollars for something more impressive than chicken salad on a brioche. But I was using the word ‘brioche’ in a sentence, so I kind of had to go for it.

gentrification2

Likewise, gentrification has its obvious downsides and I do feel bad when I see the trail of tears that is the working class hoping that the move inland will treat them better. But how else am I going to ensure that I stand out in the neighborhood?

Some things, however, were just easy. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy non-motorized boating, Portland, Oregon or trying too hard.

The full list of Stuff White People Like serves as a very handy guide for Oreos, but there are some things on the list that cause problems. For example, White People like The Wire, Dave Chappelle and…it hurts to type this…having black friends.

So what’s an Oreo to do? If a person of color says that they like The Wire, Dave Chappelle or having black friends, they are considered typical, crass and unfriendly, respectively. The ruling class expects us to like these things because they look like us. So in order to maintain Oreodom, we have to lose any affinity for them. But in order to achieve 100% on the SWPL test, one has to admit to liking them.

The dilemma makes your head hurt almost as much as relaxer cream stings the scalp.

The truth is that it’s precisely these kinds of things that are keeping me from scoring 100% on the test.

The best I can offer you is this: When discussing these subject, choose your words carefully, and tread lightly. Very lightly–outside and inside. And when in doubt, pull our your Criteron Collection edition of Song of the South and a David Sedaris story and you’ll win them back.

An Oreo Conducts Herself Accordingly

200332868-001 The Oreo Experience congratulates Boston Symphony Orchestra harp player, Ann Hobson Pilot, for doing her part to help others keep their own Oreo Experiences alive and well.

This week, Hobson Pilot announced her retirement from the orchestra. Pilot was the first African American principal in the BSO and upon her retirement, leaves only one African American musician in the orchestra.

The real tragedy: That she didn’t so this sooner.

Hobson Pilot had her time in the Oreo sun. When second musician of color, cellist Owen Young came along, it must have looked like he was falling in line with something ethnic people might do rather than working to separate himself from the pack. The balance was thrown off and I can’t imagine the looks of disdain and scores of lowered expectations Young had to endure when it was learned that he was not the only one of his kind in the group.

I can only imagine the fear and frustration obvious Oreo Young must of have felt when after selecting a classical instrument to study, paying for thousands of hours of private lessons and foregoing events like dating, he arrives to his first day of rehearsal to see that he is too late to take the Oreo position in the orchestra.

Two other of colors came, and rightfully, left the orchestra during Hobson Pilot’s reign.

Thank you, Hobson Pilot, the BSO, and the public education system for keeping the balance of power in such an elite organization exactly the way it should be.

Ten reasons for Oreos to enjoy Yom Kippur and other Jewish holidays.

http://www.jewtees.com

It’s not just the fact that we get to think about what’s wrong with us that makes Yom Kippur an important holiday for an Oreo.

There are at least nine other reasons why Oreos should pull up a seat next to our Jewish friends, twist our freshly pressed hair into side curls and join them in celebrating the Day of Atonement.

1. We can eat fried foods without being all stereotypetastic about it. Let’s hear it for kreplach.

2. Being a kosher Oreo leads to fun new words like “Koshoreo.”

3. Fasting makes people too weak to notice what you look like.

4. Circumcision is probably as painful as a relaxer.

5. Communing with former slaves is okay when they can pass for white.

5. “Shana Tova” sounds much better than “What up shawty.”

6. On the Day of Atonement, Jews celebrate the fact that G-d will forgive the sinful nature of their humanity, present at birth, and give them a fresh start for another year. Oreos can celebrate, too, the fact that a chosen few of the privilege class will forgive us the nature of our birth.

8. Sammy. Davis. Jr.

9. The bitter herbs eaten at meals will taste much like your overly controlled soul.

10. We are in the Jewish year 5770. More than 3000 years ahead of the mainstream calendar. Maybe in a parallel Jewish universe, we are equally ahead in society and we don’t have to work so hard to blend in–by 5770, it should come naturally.

New Neighbor Nightmare

carrying-moving-boxes-up-stairs I spent the day moving and was terrified at what I found in my complex.

Before moving in, my new building manager kept telling me about my neighbors Pam and David. He told me how nice they were. How sweet they were. How they’d be more than willing to watch my cat or feed my sugar glider.

What he did not tell me what that Pam and David…were black.

I discovered this nick on the property value as I was already hours deep into the move.

Not only are they black, they are older and kind and wise. I’m basically living next door to Morgan Freeman.

MorganFreeman

This not only takes the black to white ratio of my location up too high, it also tempts me, daily. The niceness is attractive and I would love to get their experienced thoughts on investment opportunities, the state of the education system or whether or not this guy is worth the effort.

They also make what smells like a perfectly prepared sweet potato casserole with fantastically seasoned pork chops.

Why must they taunt me? Oh, I see. They think I can’t stand up to their sweet faces and their delicious food. But watch me. I will proudly live next door to them and never once darken their doorstep.

Unless they pull out the banana pudding, too. Everyone has an Achille’s Heel.

WPTTR! – White People To the Rescue

Listen up, kids. Did you think for one minute that maybe you didn’t really need to keep up the fight? Worried that your inner bleaching efforts were all in vain? That maybe, just maybe we didn’t need to lighten up a little?

They’re watching…out for us! 🙂

Well, thanks again to Hollywood for reminding us that is not the case at all.

In the new movie, The Blind Side, Sandra Bullock saves a poor kid of color in that special way that only rich white

people can. Further kudos to pearly-skinned writer/director John Lee Hancock for telling the story of a black person in the very special way that only a rich white person can. Further rounds of applause for Warner Bros for leaving folks of color out of the major above the line positions on the script. That would only bring an uncomfortable verisimilitude to the whole process.

So keep your chins up and any natural inclinations at bay. We’re Marching on to Zion and with the right help, we’ll get there one day.

Oreo Awards

In the ongoing effort to encourage and support Oreo efforts everywhere, The Oreo Experience will occasionally point out the good work of the assimilating.

Today’s tip of the hat goes to Darryl Bell.

DarrylBell1 You may remember Darryl from 80s and 90s hit A Different World.

Darryl is now a cast member on Fox Reality Channels Househusbands of Hollywood.

In a recent episode, Darryl said, at a table of the privileged class, “I never claimed to have any basketball ability.”

Congratulations, Darryl. A line like this, coupled with his exclusive lifestyle helps make up for his stint on a black sitcom, the vestiges of a light ethnic accent, being coupled to a lovely lady of color, Tempest Bledsoe and the fact that he is named Darryl.

Keep up the good work, kid. We’ll be rooting for you.