Uncategorized

Follow the Rules and Make it Easier for Journalists

I would have posted this picture even if it didn't go along with the story.

One of the most important rules of being an Oreo is not to congregate with other Oreos. Doing this is obviously dangerous for an Oreo because it may cause you to start relating to other of colors on about things related to being of color and then your years of repression are as ruined as a salmon frittata cooked at 375 instead of 350.

But it also puts journalists in a sticky situation.

How are sports writers supposed to write about blackletes in typically anglo sports if they can’t call them “The Tiger Woods” of that sport?

Writer Richard Morgan writes about this phenomenon in his article: “The Black Athletes Who Don’t Play Basketball.”

In 2005, The New York Times noted that Kyle Harrison and John Walker were both considered simultaneous Tiger Woodses of lacrosse — and that wasn’t even counting the other two black lacrosse players, John Christmas and Harry Alford, who were layered onto the story as icing.

Adolfo Cambiaso is the “Tiger Woods of polo,” according to the Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel and according to Vanity Fair in May of 2009. Unfortunately, Jabarr Rosser, then a 10th grader in West Philly, was already named as a potential Tiger Woods of polo in the Philadelphia City Paper, way back in 2001.

If only Kyle, John, John or Harry had paid attention to the rules, they wouldn’t have put the NYT and Vanity Fair in such an awkward position. And we’ve seen how much VF wants to get imagery right.

Morgan continues:

Phil Ivey is, by all accounts, the Tiger Woods of poker. Although, given that he earned $17 million in three days of playing–and another $7 million in online poker–he doesn’t need endorsement deals the way Woods does.

Kelly Slater, the part-Syrian Australian, is or is not the Tiger Woods of surfing, depending on who you ask.

Jeremy Sonnenfeld was, for a while, the Tiger Woods of bowling—due to his age, not his ethnicity. England’s Robert Fulford was the Tiger Woods of croquet, again due to his age—though he was in competition for this title with Jacques Fournier. Same with the white Englishman Phil Taylor, the Tiger Woods of darts (and, by The Independent‘s measure, “Britain’s greatest living sportsman”). Although that was 2001, well before The Independent got around to writing about Lewis Hamilton, the young black Briton who is the Tiger Woods of F1 racing.

But if you are going to start crowding a non power sport with more than one person of color in it, be sure to do it correctly. Morgan describes how sports writers prefer to write about these anomalies.

Sports journalism tends to be celebratory, regardless of who is the focus of the story. With black athletes in atypical sports, stories rely on showcasing the player’s rare talent and fierce determination that have blessed him or her with the power to overcome whatever obstacles have kept blacks from joining, say, fencing teams in the past. It’s a very Billy Elliot version of The Blind Side.

But, as with The Blind Side, the story often becomes about how it takes a village of white people to transform a troubled kid by means of civilizing leisure. There’s the white adoptive family, the white coaches, the white private-school teachers, the white personal tutor.

See! While a high profile career in sports requires mostly insanely intense focus, determination, strength and a high pain tolerance, there is also a secret ingredient…if you’re of color. I don’t think we need to watch the video again to remind us of what that secret ingredient is, but just in case you wanna, here it is.

Aaaand, in case you’re worried that all these Tiger Woods of whatevers will make it more difficult for you to stand out at your next lacrosse meet or equestrian trial, don’t worry, Chris Rock is here to remind us of things of colors shouldn’t do…so that we Oreos can proudly go forth, do them and confuse!

His upcoming movie, The First Star, tells the story of people being baffled by black skiiers. Much the way Essence was, Morgan says a few years back.

in 1989, Essence ran a story on the National Brotherhood of Skiers; they marveled at “the sight of all those sisters and brothers at the summit, out there on the mountain at the crack of dawn, even after partying all night.

Oh, right…Essence is a black magazine…don’t worry. I only learned that in research for this post.

Black (RBP) Dolls Worth Less

Even with the exact same facial features and training in ballet, of color Barbie (nee, Teresa) is well…clearly not as valuable as regular Barbie. According to their price tags, Regular Barbie is 97.6% better than her off model sister.

Just in case you were thinking that maybe the mark down is the result of Wal-Mart incentivizing the purchase of RBP Barbie, they weren’t. Store management said the dolls were marked down because they weren’t selling as well. This is actually good news, because though many of the black dolls were being not-sold to white customers, there is a chance that many were being not-sold to black customers–which means there’s more Oreos in the making!!!

Last year, following the inauguration of the country’s first black president, “Good Morning America” revisited the experiment —[the famous 1939 experiment that showed most black children preferred to play with white dolls]. This time, at least some of the results were markedly different: of the 19 black children surveyed, 42 percent said they’d rather play with a black doll compared with 32 percent for the white doll. But when asked which doll was prettier, nearly half of the girls in the group chose the white doll.

See! The youth of America are learning some valuable truths.

Sure, there are some issues of capitalism, supply and demand and all that come into play. And it’s good that Wal-Mart didn’t pay attention to those factors as evidenced by their ordering more supply than met the demand. That way, instead of skirting a potentially uncomfy issue, they reinforced the images that keep this Oreo’s hope alive.

And, they put themselves in position to make even more than they would have had they not taken a loss on the dolls. This bodes well for the ‘Mart because though sales of black dolls may be down, per the quote above, the store can most certainly count on increases in sales of flat irons, no lye relaxer and self-help books.

Yay! Women Win! So Do Of Colors…in the most wonderful of ways!

No, Sandy. Thank YOU! 🙂

I, along with millions of others, waited with bated breath as envelopes were opened and my work as an Oreo was thankfuly confirmed!

(First, I must pause to say, let’s hear it for the interpretive dance number…am I right!!!)

So many good things in this year’s 82nd Annual Academy Awards Ceremony. Director Kathryn Bigelow was awarded as the first female to win Oscar for Best Director for her work on The Hurt Locker. And in precious news to all those who are trying to escape their ethnicity, Sandra Bullock won for Best Actress for her work in the Oreo-tastic film, The Blind Side.

Bonus points for screenwriter Geoffrey Fletcher and actress Mo’Nique for their work on Precious. Extra bonus points goes to ‘Nique for leading us into the final Barbara Walters interview with some weird talk about how she and her husband are allowed to have sex with other people and an up close and personal look at how she doesn’t shave her legs. Why limit the conversation to tasteful, reasonable topics? We have an image to uphold and thus work against, here!

Bonus, bonus, bonus points for her ending the segment, not with the poised Mo’Nique we saw at the Academy Awards, but for sassing it up, just to remind us that we really only want the Academy to be just so progressive. Otherwise, of colors look just like regular people and all of our work is in vain.

It’s great for women that the seal has been broken by Bigelow and that the nation can see that a woman is capable of directing a powerful, tense and gripping film with complex characters and a moving story.

Thank goodness then, that we are keeping of colors in the box that we as Oreos and Oreo adjacents need them to be in.

By awarding a screenwriter for writing about the worst of of colorness and an actress for playing the worst of colorness while also awarding another actress for taking care of of colors when (per the other film featuring black people that was nominated for an Academy Award) no one else can, the Academy has reminded all of us of just how great it will be to shun our skin and ascend into true Oreodom.

Nevermind that TBS leaves out a few key points of the story as writer Prairie Miller puts it:

“… The Blind Side excels at expressing the profound maternal affection and protective instincts Tuohy develops for this lost young soul, other troubling matters that come to light are skimmed over, and never quite resolved with dramatic assurance. In particular, the formal charges that were eventually leveled against Tuohy and Oher’s high school football coach Hugh Freeze, by the National Collegiate Athletic Association. And essentially, that the boy was being financially exploited by this family seeking legal guardianship over him. Along with Freeze, who eventually got a paid position at the college, where both pressured for his matriculation as a student participant in football.

Eventually Freeze was found in ethical violation, though the movie avoids a deeper exploration of rampant exploitation of ghetto youth in sports. A far better film this year that tackles those issues head on, is the Anna Boden/Ryan Fleck candid Dominican baseball drama indie, Sugar.”

Peccadilloes like legal quandaries are a small price to pay for keeping the social order in check.

Bonus points to me for DVRing this shindig so that I can watch both those fantastic pas de deux and see Sandy bring it home for me again and again and again.

From the Mouths of Babes

I really need to trust myself. I was listening to another pundit say we live in a “post racial America” and I thought, “Hmmmm, are all these hand-stitched Jane Austen caplets in vain? Do I not need to try quite so hard to blend in?”

And then the daughter of a client said this to me after I asked her about her neighborhood school and my spirits lifted.

“Ugh, I’m so glad I didn’t go to school there. It’s soooooo Mexican!”

Two pieces of wonderfulness in this quote.

One, she confirmed for me that yes, of colors are mad scary. And since this girl isn’t even voting age yet, I know this thinking will happily continue on through at least one more generation.

And two, she didn’t at all seem perturbed to tell one of color how she felt about another group of of colors…so maybe, just maybe, my Oreoness worked on her and she hasn’t noticed that in some circles, I get asked if I’m Dominican or Puerto Rican!

There’s nothing like a line like that to let you know you’re doing the right thing.

Back to the sewing. Just a few more French knots and Mr. Darcy won’t know what to do with himself!

To my Coconuts – Science Makes it Harder to Self Loathe

He is pissed that science doesn't think all his people look like this

I nearly spit out my scones in shock when I came across this article. The piece from sciencedaily.com begins with this troubling sentence:

“A University of Illinois researcher advises caution when trying to characterize gender roles and sexual behavior among this country’s Latino adolescents and young adults.”

This seems to imply that people of color cannot be lumped into broad, general descriptions. If this is the case (and btw, it took a PhD level researcher to say so) that means that being a coconut just got harder.

The article is titled: “Are Latino Teens Sexual Risk Takers? It’s Complicated, Researcher Says.” Now, nevermind that teens are sexual risk takers, this article seems to be trying to debunk the fact that Latino teens are running rampant through the streets with their pants down.

What’s happened to our Latin lovers??

And worse. Without the Latin lover image to fight against, what are budding young coconuts to do to differentiate themselves from the pack?

The article continues:

“…For one thing, Latinos represent more than 20 different groups, and they live in very different situations in the United States.”

Wait, what? Gosh dangit, the whole Coconut handbook is going to need to be rewritten now.

“So what do we know about Latino sexuality and risk taking among teenagers? For one thing, no one really knows how much the traditional gender role attributes of machismo and marianismo — idealizing the Virgin Mary — actually influence today’s Latino adolescents.”

I know this may sound like a crucial blow. The article is asserting here that your average Latino isn’t necessarily crouched in front of their home altar begging Mary for forgiveness. Ay dios, mio, we’re going to have to find some other way for you guys to not seem so Mexicany.

Though, take comfort in this. This article is under the heading “Science News” meaning that this is new, emerging information, and therefore potentially either a trend that will pass or a norm that not many people yet realize. So there’s still time to enjoy your frittata and claret instead of your taco and sangria and keep the self hate alive.

Back to the Basics

It's TOE's paper anniversary! Share a square with us.

It’s almost been a year since The Oreo Experience went live. And anniversaries are perfect times to quietly wonder why you got where you are in the first place. With TOE’s paper anniversary on the horizon, I can’t help but smile when I think just how far we’ve come through self-loathing.

Click here to take a trip down repressed memory lane and consider just how much you can love hating yourself.

Not sure you’ve got the guts to hate your guts? Chin up, little soldiers, I bet you do! It’s not just people of color who can hate the skin they’re in. I bet if you try hard enough, you can come up with all kinds of things to try and hide. If not, try these tips. I’ll keep the kleenex and the number to my therapist handy.

1. Look in the Mirror. Forget the schmaltz on How to Look Good Naked. We have a standard in this day and age and chances are, you’re falling short. I know I am. I would instantly be relegated to quirky best friend in a movie about my own life. Freckles, water retention, teeth too white, outie, size 4.? The mass media would crap on your reflection, why not join them?

2. Hijack your friends’ email. You know how you mention your pals’ peccadillos behind their backs? Well, the good news is, they do, too! Scan a few of their emails. Whether it’s the debby downerism, the constant cheerfulness or the fact that you don’t like your foods to touch, you’ll soon know which habit they crucify you for so that you can start driving in the nails, as well!

3. Swing from your family tree. You don’t even have to go as far as reunion to see what freaky fish are swimming in your gene pool. Just grab a couple of photos and read the body language. Dollars to donuts, you’ll be able to tell in under a minute what your mom really thinks of your stepdad’s fashion choices or if there’s not a little House of Yes action between those two cousins. Give the fam a phone call and listen to them bitch about each other and you’ll get a good idea what you inherited that’s worthy of hate.

4. Watch television. When all else fails and you’re still feeling pretty good about who you are, turn on the TV. Chances are, unless you’re Gerard Butler, your demographic is represented pretty badly. Watch a few eps to see what people in power really think of you and you’ll be on the self-bashing bandwagon in no time.

I bet if he tried hard enough, he'd be one of us, too!

Australian Of Colors Should Be Thankful

Much to do is being made over World Champion and Russian Olympic competitors Oksana Domnina and Maksim Shabalin. The pair is coming under fire for wearing costumes inspired by and potentially offensive to Aborignal heritage. The costumes feature loin clothes, stirking white body paint, randomly festooned Eucalyptus leaves and a bit of brown face.

Russian skaters dressed up like Aborigines

While they may look like the most terrifiying kids birthday party performers ever, Domnina and Shabalin are doing the folks down under a favor.

I mean, when was the last time any talked about the Aborigines? Pre-Olympics, no one was saying anything about them. Now, they’re making front page news!

I suppose that somewhere over scones, someone is maybe discussing how like Native Americans, the Aborigines were the original inhabitants of a lovely place and soon had their culture replaced and all but eradicated. Mayhaps someone is discussing how like minorities in the US, Aborigines experience much higher levels of poverty, disease, imprisonment and unemployment than the rest of the continent’s inhabitants. Or perhance how if explorer Robert Burke had just listened to the instruction of the Aboriginal inhabitants of the land he was setting out to be the “first” person to cross, he might not have died from starvation.

BORING!

And like differential equations or L’Eclisse, those things are difficult to digest and hard to get your head around. Much more satisfying and helpful to the Oreo cause to remark how this 60,000-year-old culture is oversensitive and continue to learn about them through interpretive ice dancing. That way you learn so much more–like about the didgeridoo and how to get along in mixed company.

Too bad they didn't dress up like this one instead.

Oreo Gold!

The appearance ethnic athletes at the Olympics is not news in and of itself. We expect to see of colors there in some events: track and field, basketball, clean up crew.

But this year, of color speed skater Shani Davis is winning medals and sporting his Oreo pride as one of only a handful of blackletes at the Winter Games. Here’s video of Davis setting a new world record (one of the eight he has set). Bonus points for this video being in Dutch!

In 2006, Davis became the first African American to win an individual gold medal at the Winter Olympics. And while media outlets and bloggers write stories about him with headlines like “Soul on Ice,” Davis is reticent to talk about his ethnicity and according to Yahoo!Sports, Davis only wants to be known as a skater, melanin levels, unimportant.

Fun fact: (if wikipedia is to be trusted). The character Frozone in Disney/Pixar’s The Incredibles was based on Davis. Hmm. Definite gold for Oreo-ing it up in Vancouver. But probably a bronze for having Sam Jackson voice him. What? Was Branaugh not free?

Chin up, old boy. You'll be in the picture next time, mate.

Depardieu? More like Depar-do more for us!

French actor Gerard Depardu is getting his beret handed to him because he is playing mixed race writer Alexandre Dumas in a movie.

M. Dumas wrote such classics as The Count of Monte Cristo and The Three Musketeers. Also, he was the of color grandson of a Haitian slave. But thanks to French cinema, Dumas will largely be remembered by the current generation as a white dude. Though Depardieu sports a tan and curls his hair, his European heritage proudly shines through.

So chin up, Oreos. Though you may spend your life being black, do enough and Hollywood may reward you by lightening your legacy with clever casting.

This issue comes up every now again, like when Angelina Jolie played widowed and of color writer Marianne Pearl.

But just like Mickey Rooney’s performance in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, sometimes, you put someone in a role just because they’re the best person for it, or maybe because you can’t find the right person of color, or part color for the job. So, sorry Leila Ariceri, Saili Richardson, Michael Michelle, Giancarlo Esposito, Jennifer Beals, Thandie Newton, Vin Diesel, Shemar Moore, Lisa Bonet, Jasmine Guy, Rashida Jones, Kidada Jones, Karyn Parsons, Mowry twins, Tatyana Ali, Rae Dong Chong, Victoria Rowell, Boris Kodjoe, Lonnett Mckee, Rain Pryor, Troy Beyer, Carmen Ejogo, Nicole Lyn, Taimak Guari, Tracee Ellis Ross, Sydney Tamiia Poitier, Gloria Reuben, Clark Johnson, Rosario Dawson, Cree Summer, Mario Van Peebles, Maya Rudolph, Tammy Townsend, Sherri Saum, Gina Ravera, Tamara Taylor, Jaye Davidson, Rachel True, Stacy Dash, Maya Davis and Persia White.

While collectively you guys may have strong roles in television and film, write satire, speak German, sing opera, write indie music, are the daughter of royalty, produced fashion shows, speak Spanish, develop groundbreaking comedy, dance ballet, win national pageants and bring home Oscars, you’ll have to content yourselves with those things. Because when it comes to portraying actual and historic figures, some folks just do it better.

It’s just like the way your stories about high school change and morph over the years. Ten years out and according to you, you weren’t nearly as awkward as you probably were. I mean, how would you rather remember history? Accurately, or comfortably?

Eh, close enough

A Smudge, er Smidge, of Absolution

Hope you got your fill of vices on Fat Tuesday, because it's time to give up just a little more

Happy Ash Wednesday!

If in your Oreodom, you have chosen a faith, it should have been one that smacks of Europe and has a nice Scandinavian Christ on the wall to show you what perfection looks like.

I myself am a practicing Anglican and use Ash Wednesday as a chance to further the Oreo cause.

During Lent, most people give up a typical vice like soda, smoking or sex. But choose your Lenten sacrifice just right and it can help offset the fact that your ashes blend in unfortunately with your skintone.

If you’re worried that your Lenten season won’t be one befitting an Oreo, use one of these phrases when asked about it and you’ll be on the right path.

“I’m giving up my season tickets to the Ahmanson and donating them to a non-profit. I mean, I love my Forever Plaid, but Lord knows I’ve seen it enough times.”

“Giving up meat doesn’t bother me so much. I went vegan after that summer at the ashram.”

“Chapel was lovely, but it was nothing like when I got to do a Rite I service during my cathedral tour in Germany.”

“I kind of like fasting, it reminds me of The Road to Wellville”

“I swear I’ll make it these 40 days without my Vicar of Dibley! It’ll be rough, but chin up, stiff upper lip, I’ll muddle through.”

Don’t think of the season as a time to go without, but as a time that clears up some headspace for enjoying the reward later. Besides, think how great those plush theater seats will feel and how refreshing Dawn French will be after a moon and a half without.

Bonus Oreo points if you get the good vicar to do your ashes for you!