Trailer Trashing – Summer Edition, Part I

One of the biggest pieces of inspiration for an Oreo-to-be is film and TV. It’s so motivating to see what a diversity of experiences one can have…if one only had the foresight to not be you know…a brown. It’s clear that the images we see on screen affect how we think and what we do (if they don’t, someone really needs to have a good, long sit-down with the advertising industry), so it’s important as an Oreo to keep checking films and TV to see if it’s worth relaxing for one second and letting our RBP out. (spoiler alert: it’s not)

Memorial Day Weekend marks the start of the big budget summer blockbuster the kids are out of school, so holy god, do what it takes to get them into a theater movie season. We’re certain to get some exciting films, so let’s check out some trailers, see what people get to do in said trailers, and see how they stack up against the Oreo agenda.

The Bling Ring – Hermoine’s not at Hogwart’s Anymore

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Party near celebs, pontificate about society, have excellent luck using Google, be the devil on the shoulder, steal a bunch of shit, be naive as parents, have a family, have friends, drink a good amount of Starbucks, walk like a boss, bit into Paris Hilton’s shoes even though she’s a woman and he’s a dude, covet pets, cover the news, fake apologize, care maybe too much about what the young Ms. Lohan thinks.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie:  n/a

Man of Steel – Superman gets rebooted. Again.

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Make plans for their kid, have parents–even if he never knew them, go to school, dream of becoming something other than what society had intended, adopt a kid, get new parents, be the key to an eons-long question about humanity, work on a big ship, look like Wolverine in one shot, have a dog, ask leading questions, brood, fly.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: Um… pay $14 to go see it?

Much Ado About Nothing- Whedon Does Shakespeare

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Have a weird ass party, enjoy a nice walk in closet, be flippant, be coy, swim with a martini, do shots, collect stuffed animals, get married, have a huge camera, get high, kiss, practice aerial arts, fight, crawl, cuddle.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: stand behind Lady Beatrice, stand in front of Lord Benedict

This is The End – Actors Use Their Real Names, Get Real

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: throw a party, go to/from the airport, be perturbed, do drugs, my goodness Seth Rogan has lost some weight! panic, panic, steal, panic.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: be sexually desperate, get their butt slapped, slap back, die first, panic, scream like a beyotch.

(apparently, the end of the world is a pretty solid equalizer)

The Purge – Don’t Open Your Door For that Black Guy

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Have a family, kiss gently, sharpen machetes, shoot guns, explain things calmly, make ridiculous demands of their parents, lock and load, feel worried, feel safe, have a fancy yet super simple security system, live in a huge house, have doubt, try to save someone, be pretty sociopathic, wear horrible masks, figure out a way inside,

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: Appear in one shot, be desperate, be hunted,

The Internship – Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson screw up at Google

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: listen to Macklemore, wear suits, get each other excited, sell watches, close companies, start over again, be awkward, be funny, be the love interest, get inside jokes, not get inside jokes, be okay with being in a wheel chair,

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: deliver some bad news, nod in agreement, speak in a foreign accent that he never uses on The Daily Show ever.

The East – Rogue Gets Real

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Work in senior level management, resent senior level management, attend snazzy cocktail parties, speak dramatically from behind a mask, feel bad for birds, jump rope under a bridge, have families, go to the airport, kiss, siphon fluids from your body,

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: appear in one shot

Now You See Me – No one puts magicians in a corner

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Perform in sexy Vegas magic shows, use the Parisian banking system, fight for the little people, drive speedily, work for the government, attend sexy Vegas magic shows.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: Explain the plot

After Earth – Is Jayden Smith old enough to wear something that tight?

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Wait, what?!

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: Wait, what?! Hmmm. Are we sure this is going to work?

What are you watching this weekend? Let us know in the comments!

****

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