the oreo experience

Entendres, Double

A quick google search of the name of my own blog turns up the fact that “The Oreo Experience” is also a sex position.

In case the imagery didn’t immediately click in, the term describes two men of color experiencing one anglo woman. 

This is obviously upsetting…Two men of color in such close proximity–very un-Oreo! Not an Oreo experience at all. 

It also brings up a philosophical conundrum in the mind of male Oreos. Regular black guys love white women. So a male Oreo really should date a lady of color to as not to seem to be an RBP. But lady Oreos like myself really can’t date men of color or we become RBP. 

What’s an Oreo to do when it comes to dates? 

My suggestion for the gentlemen is not to jeopardize the hard work of ladies like myself and therefore, to make sure that your chosen light-skinned date is especially so. Brunettes will do, but a redhead would be great. Bonus points for a

When it comes to dating, you are either in or you are out. Choose wisely so that you say in the game.

 

 Scandinavian–especially if you can work a few words of Norwegian or Flemish into the conversation. 

Or to be gay. Your average RBP and the Friends of Dorothy don’t tend to commune. Except, of course, when they’re getting their hair did.

The new “some of my best friends are black”

Sometimes, though they will be impressed with the progress you are making as an Oreo, non-colors will be confused. They’ll look at your burning pile of Ella Fitzgerald records and say something “Do you really need to try so hard to hide? I mean, c’mon, we have a black President.”

The phrase “We have a black President,” seems to be the new “C’mon, some of my best friends are black.”

People will use the phrase to justify anything from encouraging you to accept their present of Jay-Z tickets to being fairly openly racist.

Variations of this phrase include,

  • “…so what if diversity levels at companies are down, things are clearly different, we have a black President now.”
  • “…so what if Harry Reid said what he said, the guy in charge of making him apologize is our black President.”
  • “…who cares that the word “negro” will be on the Census, it obviously doesn’t mean anything bad, we have a black President.”

It may be tempting to point to statics that show that having a black President has done little so far to change the demographics of the inner city working poor or improve the conditions at under funded schools. But doing so will cause you to be seen as an RBP, so stuff it or be ready to be considered the affirmative action slip up.

The better choice is to run a polishing rag over your Young Republicans pin and say “you’re right. Things are different now.”

And be on the look out for other variations on this theme.

  • You may hear something like: “C’mon LL Cool J’s on NCIS.”

Usually said in response to: A sigh or lament at the fact that most criminals on police procedurals who kill with some sort of complicated and almost understandable emotion are white; and most killers who simply boast of blowing some kid, businessman or prostitute away with no remorse or sense of self-control are of color.

Proper Oreo Response: You’re right. And I do love Cool James.

  • You may hear something like: “C’mon, you have Roots.”

Usually said in response to: A lament at the fact that film canon about the Holocaust consists of well made movies that show all kinds of emotion, storytelling and filmmaking prowess while movies made about America’s holocaust, slavery, are relegated to maudlin TV movies and show slaves falling in love with their horrifically abusive masters while ignoring stories about how male slaves were regularly castrated sans sedatives, how lots of what we know about gynecology today came from living experiments on female slaves or that the American slave trade was kept going for 50 years after international slave trading was outlawed by slave owners who kept female slaves like breeding cows.

Proper Oreo Response. You’re right. Who doesn’t love Lamar? 

  • You May Hear Something Like: “C’mon, they’re the heroes, they have to win big.”

Usually Said in Response To: Walking out of Avatar and thinking, “isn’t this Dance with Wolves or The Last Samurai just with aliens and a bazillion dollars of special effects instead of minorities. I’m not saying it’s a white guilt allegory, but maybe.”

Proper Oreo Response: You’re Right. Learning one of the most complicated linguistic systems ever known (DWW/AVA), mastering an art in a few months that people have literally spent their whole lives perfecting (AVA/TLS) and being the white love savior for a poor indentured native girl (DWW/AVA) is more than reasonable.

Learn these conversations and soon you may hear something like “You do play squash, right? You should join my league, we meet on Saturday.”

Proper Oreo Response: I’ll be there with bells on.

TC - Keeping it Real

Oreo Resolutions

In addition to accepting apologies, I also made New Year’s Resolutions befitting of an Oreo. I kept the list short this year, just three things that my Franklin Covey organizational system will hopefully help me achieve. 

1. Fully appreciate Thomas Keller.

2. Develop business plan for coffee shop, art gallery, yoga studio or tapas restaurant.

3. Blush convincingly. 

Suggestions, pointers and menu suggestions are welcomed and appreciated. 

Nothing feels as good as living in your second quadrant!

 

 

A Friend Apologizes

After a 98% fantastic New Year’s Eve, I received this email this morning. After reading,we’re at 100% fantastic. Thanks, J.

Hey You!

Happy New Year. It was great seeing you at the yacht party on Thursday night. So glad the Civic Light Opera let you out early so you could ring in the new year with us.

I also wanted to check in with you. I wasn’t sure if you were upset about the guest list and I hope that we didn’t offend you.  Malcolm has been a family friend for years and years and we just couldn’t not invite him.

Please don’t misunderstand. I totally get your life choice and I know how scary it must have been to see him standing starboard. I did my best to keep you two from interacting, though I saw you both reaching for the saffron balls at the same time, I hope you made it through that okay. What can I say, you both love saffron!

Anyway, thanks again for coming. Oh! And thank you so much for your Bowline on a Bight skills. I don’t know why Trevor felt he had to swing out over the sea, but we probably would have lost him were it not for your knot.

All the best in 2010! We’re going to see the Lipizanners next month. Want us to get you a ticket?

-J

 

PS. Despite your rules, I do think that you and Malcolm would make a great couple. Just saying. He lives in Hancock Park. And plays lacrosse. 🙂

Standing Out Gets You Back In

Being an Oreo isn’t just fun and easier on the ego, it is also amazingly practical.

For example: Tonight, I went to another staple of non ethnic entertainment: improv comedy.

I handed my giant, red and laminated ticket to the nice ComedySportz doorman and then realized that I forgot my Moleskine Notebook in my car. I asked if I had time to run back and get it. The doorman said that I did and then added:

“Don’t worry about needing your ticket to get back in, I’ll remember your face.” 

“Yes, you will,” I said, vocalizing my wager that I was the only black person in the audience. 

He blushed a bit as people often do when I point out this bit of obviousness. But how great is it that I stood out so. Otherwise, I’d be just another blonde or ruddy headed woman with a purse and he’d have to go through all kinds of mental notes to remember exactly which was I was. Or if there was another black person in the audience, surely he’d be confused if say that person stepped out to go to the bathroom while I went to my car. How would he tell us apart? But because I was the only one of me, I was granted free and easy passage to and from, however often I desired. 

I left him with a smile and went to my car to retrieve my journaling tool. 

When I returned, he was all smiles. “You were right!” he said and seemed surprised.

I was not.

You do not get to be an Oreo of this standing without knowing what kind of door your about to darken…and that you’re going to be the darkest thing on the other side of that door.

…Except for that sketch about the sociopathic sea urchin. That was was a pretty dark round of “Forward and Reverse.”

Are You Alone?


Always Control Your Perimeter

 

As we have discussed, it is important to be the only person of color in the room at any given time or event. Having more than one of us around can lead to all sorts of miscommunication, embarrassing run-ins and tempt either of you to discuss common race-related issues that might trigger a long latent desire to read some Nikki Giovanni.                                                                             

But sometimes a room is crowded, dark or split-level. So how do you both determine if there are any of colors in the vicinity and relax enough to proudly show off the pictures from Inverness on your iPhone?

Instead of prowling from corner to corner paper bag testing everyone you come into contact with, just look for a few key things to see if you are safe.  

  • 1. People never seem to quite finish the sentences: “So…you’re here with…..” or “You must be here to see…….” or “You must know Carol from……..”
  • 2. You are at the Viper Room.
  • 3. The DJ suddenly changes the music from relatively ambient Slowdive and Neutral Milk Machine and includes a random cameo like Baby Got Back. Then a dance circle forms around you. Don’t panic, after they see your first perfectly precise box step, they’ll get the idea.
  • 4. People ask you oddly practical questions out of the blue like “Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?” “What time does are you closing tonight?” and “Can I give you my coat?”
  • 5. You cannot quite find the words to describe your complete and utter sense of relaxation. 

If these elements are in place, enjoy your party! And be sure to try the tapenade.

Holiday Party Survival Guide

It’s that time of year when despite your best efforts you may be forced to spend time with other of colors. This will likely happen at family gatherings, holiday charity donation drives or company events where the main office invites the warehouse and janitorial staff to attend.

A check of the guest list might encourage you to skip the peppermint-tinis and almond hummus bruschetta to avoid potentially dangerous run-ins. But keep these few rules in mind and you can schmooze safely.

1. Avoid Eye Contact. As you enter the room, perform a quick perimeter scan. At this point, do not lock eyes with anyone, simply discover and memorize the locations of your anti-targets. Keep them in your peripheral vision throughout the night, but only there. Even a slight look in the eyes of an of color may strike in the Oreo an uncomfortable familiarity. In that moment, you may see the parts of yourself that you have thankfully pushed aside to reach for a higher goal. And you don’t need anything that might lure you back to the dark side.

2. Remember: Their Vision is Based on Movement. There will be music at this party. For the most part, these songs will be timeless holiday classics like O Holy Night and White Christmas. However, the appearance of melanin will likely encourage the DJ to play something ethnic. You may be finishing the final 1-2-3 steps to Adeste Fidelis when Empire State of Mind begins hurting your ears.

Halt your box step immediately. If the others see you moving as this anthemic “tribute” to New York begins, they may get the wrong idea and assume that you’re going to join them popping and locking on the dancefloor.

Remember, just because “orchestrapop” contains the word “orchestra,” that does not mean that it is Oreo approved music.

3. Sound the Oreo Distress Call. You may do everything right on your mixed crowd evening and still have something go wrong. Whether it’s something as simple as getting stuck in the crepe line next to that guy from shipping and receiving or an of color taking it one step further and asking for the time, the location of the restroom or your number, you must remove yourself from this situation ASAP before your coworkers, that one white family member or the leaders of the friendly non-profit organization think you are nothing more than an RBP.

Chin up, Ziggy. It's not personal.

 

It’s time to sound the distress call. The distress call is simply a line of spoken dialogue that will draw fairer skinned people your conversation and push anyone else to a different gift exchange. Use one of the following if you need to escape quickly:

  • God, the Redwings were amazing last night.
  • I wish I knew where I put my Young Republicans pin.
  • Call me crazy, but I really prefer the Thin White Duke to Ziggy Stardust.

Happy Holidays. Be safe, be smart, be assimilated. It’s a gift we all deserve.

Tyler Perry in Question

diaryblackwoman6So, it’s been the general opinion of this blog, its readers and the movie viewership of America that Tyler Perry is the cheif anti-Oreo. What the spawn of satan will be to the end of days, TPear is to attempts to assimilate. 

The Oreo Experience wonders now if this is the case.

Hear me out. While Tyler appears to stand for all that TOE detests, there are some key elements about him that may indicate is is a sheep in wolf’s clothing and perhaps, and this is a big perhaps, an Oreo deep down inside.

For example, Tyler Perry:

  • Exhibits a poor view of black people. His movies and shows rely on trite sterotypes to find the funny. Is he writing this way because it’s what makes money, or because it’s what he believes? If it was purely about capitalism, surely some of his truth would have seeped out by now and he would have made something pleasant. Buttyler-perry-newswire-335a061207 the self-loathing evident in his product makes him a prime candidate for Oreodom. 
  • Enjoys exploiting people of color. At his current rate of production, TP puts out a movie and nearly a full run of  TV series a year. This means he has a slew of people working very hard so that he can make media junket appearances. Because he runs “black” shows, and because he chose to settle in Atlanta, most of his employees are of color. Notably, his writers, who Perry seemingly prevented from joining their union during their employ. Only relatively recently, and after millions in his own pockets did TP give in. 
  • Is intmidated by Spike Lee.  Thanks to blogger Belle Woods for reposting comments on Tyler Perry’s reaction to director Spike Lee. Apparently Spike called TP on the carpet for his portrayal of black people. Tyler fought back, claiming that Madea is really a subversive way of instilling value in the viewers. Now, while a true Oreo would invite Spike over for scones and conversation, a self loather would take the same emotional stance as the fairer folks and tuck tail a bit when Lee speaks. 

The jury is still definitely out. But I’m keeping my eye on him. Maybe he’ll surprise me.

Or maybe we’ll get a new summer blockbuster: Madea Does Dallas.