Earlier this week, folks were bummed that this one particular episode of a show called Winx Club aired on Nickelodeon. Wink Club is a cartoon made in Italy back in the 00’s and Nickelodeon apparently airs episodes of it today. As far as I can tell from the very minimal amount of Wikipedia-ing I was willing to do, Winx Club is the fever dream of a very old gnome wherein he sees his soul separated from his body and dispersed into the forms of four orphans who belong to a you-can’t-cut-your-hair cult who escape their pain by taking psychedelic drugs so that they can escape into an allegorical world of their dreams where they exist as fairies.

That or it’s a bunch of girls who discover they have superpowers and train at a facility for gifted youngsters. But not ~that~ facility for gifted youngsters. They’re in a different district and they don’t have a voucher program.

Anyway, Winx Club became facebook-relevant this week when an episode aired that featured this scene. Please do enjoy:

In the event that this video expires or you don’t have audio or you just want to get to the point, here’s what happens in the clip.

The brown colored Winx sobs uncontrollably because her normally straight hair puffed up into the shape of an afro and she can’t get it to be straight again. Her friends poke at it a bit. It bounces. They all agree that this is the worst thing that could have happened and I can only assume they spend the rest of the episode getting this girls’ hair to straighten out before the Old Gnome wakes up and discovers he is still paralyzed inside the cave and that his life has not changed and never will.

People were upset about this clip because they said it promoted the idea that natural black hair isn’t acceptable. That this few minutes of Italian animation is suggesting that you can’t be attractive if your hair hasn’t been drybarred out within an inch of it’s life. They think that this show is sending the wrong message.

But look, that girl probably spent a crap ton of money and like hours of her time in some chair to get her shit straight. I’d cry, too if it all went back overnight. Tears are a totally reasonable reaction when your $200 afternoon gets thrown away because someone decides not to air out the humid bathroom after a hot shower. You’re not getting those 4 hours of your life back, so you know what, be in your truth and allow yourself to feel a wee bit miffed if a sustained session of pain turned out to be for nothing because the sky decided to rain that day.

That being said, I do the show is sending the wrong message…or at least a wrong message. This clip suggests that upon seeing your natural hair, people will make like a few snide comments and then walk away. I beg to differ.

Recently, I failed to time my hair regimen properly and for two whole days, my hair was as grey and natural looking as it gets…and I had the audacity to leave the house.

 

During this time, two grown men interrupted me during meetings–at work where we are employed–to tell me and everyone sitting nearby that “awwww, they liked it better before.” And I had to tap dance around people who were basically strangers saying: “Okay, listen… I’ve alllllways wanted to know. What IS the deal with your hair?” several more times before the half week was out.

(And as you know, Oreos do not like tap dancing. We much prefer an Allemande, a promenade, or a Cheshire Cat Life if you have a partner handy.)

Those two days reminded me that upholding the Oreo standards of straight hair isn’t just a way to look nice in the obligatory Women In The Workplace!!! photo your company forces you to be a part of because publicity. Nor is is just a neato way of making sure you’re at least not one of the first ones into the camps during the Trump presidency. Keeping your hair unnaturally straight also allows you to move through your day relatively unnoticed. You blend in, so you’re able to pull those schedules off the copier in peace. Stand out by having statement hair and it can make the day just a lot longer.

But let’s say that you’re like me and you make an honest mistake in scheduling so that you do in fact have to force people to look at your natural looks. First, apologize. Then, take this quiz to see how you would respond to the most common things you’ll get asked should your hair get all Roots on you.

 

 

They say: Sooooo is this like your natural, natural hair. Like your hair how it really is?
You say:

A. Yes pal-o-mine, this is the hair that God gave me growing in the way God intended in the country that God wove together with his bare hands.
B. Ugh, it is and I hate it.
C. Did you get your ticket yet to The Little Mermaid Live at the Bowl?

 

 

They say: Have you seen that Chris Rock documentary Good Hair? That was really amazing. I was like blown away. Totally shocked.
You say:

A. I did see Good Hair and I am happy that you are bringing it up now during this production meeting.
B. Why would I need to watch Good Hair? It’s about black hair. I have black hair. Not exactly news to me.
C. Who’s Chris Rock? Would you say his documentary style is more like Herzog or Brakhage?

 

 

They say: You know, if I could have black hair, I totally would. It’s so cool and fun!
You say:

A. That is a sincere compliment that doesn’t make me feel like a weird fettishized object at all.
B. Would you also like the higher statistical likelihood of being profiled on NextDoor or getting a worse rate on an auto loan that goes along with that cool and fun hair?
C. Could you hold my ballet slippers for me one sec, I just need to score the soles and I dropped my nail file.

They say: Wait, so, your hair right now… it’s real?
You say:

A. Are your boobs?
B. Are your teeth?
C. Should I wear my Members Only jacket or my Eddie Bauer fleece to the Coldplay concert at that craft cocktail and tapas bar tonight?

They say: Do you really not like it when people touch your hair? I love it when people touch mine. So relaxing. Feels like childhood
You say: 

A. Yaaaas Kween! I am so happy that you are soliciting my opinion and I shall reward with with one free pet.
B. This isn’t really about you. This is about my boundaries and personal space. And frankly, I don’t really like it when anyone touches me anywhere ever.
C. When I buy the title at auction, do you think I should choose the Lordship of Pitstone Neyrnut or the Barony of Duleek?** The Baroney comes with better mineral rights, but holy goodness, is just so beautiful this time of year.

 

Results! 

If you answered mostly As, you might think you’re being a good Oreo as you’re not fighting back or running from the conversation, which helps make people feel comfortable. (And Oreos are nothing if not pleaser). But you’re also allowing the conversation to continue. A skilled Oreo can both let people feel OK with their awkward questions, but also shut that shit down toute suite.

If you answered mostly Bs., you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog as you are super comfortable with your blackness and that’s not really what we do here. Nothing against RPBs, but I just don’t have any 40s on offer. Month-old gin is about the closest thing I can pour.

If you answered mostly C, congratulations! You are Oreoing perfectly! Such a deft little dance we do, smiling and laughing, while gently escorting the conversation away from company and into the library for brandy and a subject change.

 

What do you think about the clip above? A harmless episode of TV not many people probably watched? Or a few minutes of film that could actually do damage to young self esteems? On a scale of 1-10 how fast would you change your hair if something tragic happened to it–rogue gardening shears, torrential downpour of tar, roots?

Let us know in the comments!

**Real titles that are actually available at auction right now! If you’d like to sponsor an Oreo’s life long dream of titledom, I have a copula links I can send you. Just let me know! 

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Everyone is so up in arms about Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis and her refusal to perform a very important function of her job as a County Clerk. Davis has refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, citing her religious beliefs. Gay couples, she says, are unbiblical, and supporting them (read: following the law by giving them the marriage certificate they are legally entitled to) would cause her to violate her religion. And because we have freedom of religion in this country, she posits, she should not be legally compelled to violate her beliefs…even if that means that she gets to violate the legal rights of tax-paying citizens of the county she is legally obligated to serve.

People are calling her a bigot. They’re saying she’s prejudiced. They’re saying that we really need to honor the separation of church and state. They’re happy that she’s in jail.

But I think people are looking at this all wrong.

 

 

Let’s take a gander at some facts:

• Kim Davis cannot keep a man. She’s been married 4 times.
• She’s not married to her baby daddy.
• She doesn’t want to work.
• She has a record.
• She’s getting a paycheck from the government despite not wanting to work.

Based on these behaviors, Kim Davis is basically a black person. Certainly an RBP. And she’s managed to become a right-wing hero. This could change everything.

Here’s what I’m thinking:

Kim Davis isn’t a white anti-gay government official. She’s just some black dude performance artist in whiteface.

Well played, anonymous blacktivist. Well played indeed.

If it were within the rules to be seen in the same room together, I’d come by and say congratulations.

 

If the right starts applauding RBP behavior, what’s next in this new world order? Cornrows at the office? Driveby Fridays? What do you think? Let us know in the comments!

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You guys! I don’t know what kind of Affirmative Action shitshow is going on right now, but there is a whole ‘nother black person in my department!

 

I know!

It’s like they’re trying to stress me out.

Okay, I appreciate the empathy, but can we get back to me now?

Thank you

The worst part is, she’s… really nice. And kind of funny. And super sweet. And has this amazing breakfast taco recipe that sounds amazing and she totally invited me over to try it. And–

What? Oh! Hey Tiana! What’s this?? Ohmygod, thank you!

Holyshit, she brought me coffee. She brought me coffee just because.

It’s like she doesn’t know the rules at all.

This is terrible news. Partly just because I kind of want to hang out with her sometimes and that’s just not okay. Two or more of us together and soon we’ll start talking about that amazingly heartbreaking This American Life from a couple of weeks ago about how truly segregated schools still are and then we’re basically a gang.

But it mainly sucks because now that she’s here, how am I supposed to stand out at the office?!

When I was the only one of me, I was special and unique and yes that led to some really annoying questions, but it was all because they noticed me. I was being noticed.

Now that I’m just a part of a crowd, how will I stand out?

I’ll have to…actually be really good at my job or something. I’ll have to contribute something other than adorable quips. I’ll have to stop making my resume a liar and learn Excel.

Thanks, Obama.

 

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…But I think what I like most about racially motivated police violence is how inspiring it is.

I’m not saying there aren’t good cops. I am saying that fully half my facebook feed these days is full of images of cops not being good cops.

And it’s just so inspiring.

Every time I see one of these images or videos or articles, I think “Wow! The world needs more empathy. Something needs to change. I need to contribute to change!”

And that’s where some people say that my thinking goes off the rails.

Because my next thought is always:

“So here’s what I’m gonna do. One, I’m gonna dig up that pilot script I stopped working on 5 years ago. Two, I’m gonna join a writers group and get that third act under control. Next, I’m gonna shop it around town for a few seasons. Then, I’m gonna get it picked up by a cable network. Five: gonna get a good lawyer so I can stay on as show-runner and have 2 producer credits. Six, I’m gonna get that bitch into syndication. And finally when those sweet sweet rerun dollars start rolling in, I’m gonna start a charity.”

 

 

My friends point out to me that there’s a children’s hospital, a Planned Parenthood, a Habitat For Humanity, and a kids’ after school program walking distance from my house.

Look, sure, those would be great things to get involved with. And some people are reallllly good at things like getting up and out of the house in the morning, interacting with other people in an empathetic way, and managing their time so that they can make important events.

Some of us are ideas people.

So look for my charity circa 2045. It’s gonna be life changing. You can all be on the board.

Speaking of being on board: Save the Date, y’all! The Oreo Experience is going live.

What do you like most about current events? And what are you going to wear to the show??? Let us know in the comments!

 

Look, everyone, I know, it’s tempting.

You see a grown man putting his knees into a nearly naked child’s back or a fully adult human putting pepper spray into a child’s mouth, and you want to be like, “hey, that’s kinda fucked up.”

Resist that thought.

 

You might think “hey, I was camp counselor slash RA once when I was but a teenager and I broke up fights and got people out of restricted areas without putting them in handcuffs.”

Resist that thought.

You might think, “you know what, teenagers shouldn’t talk back to adults, that’s rude. But they are teenagers and the punishment for being mouthy might be to say…take their phone away for a day, not give them bruises on their spine or a police record for life.”

Resist that thought.

This is not the time to think about things like systemic injustice or the unnecessary militarization of our police forces or how British police don’t even have guns and they aren’t all dead. This is not the time to think about how “things” should change.

This is the time to think about how you can change.

This is the time to RE-BRAND.

When something goes wrong at a company, they don’t fold, they get a new logo and start again like nothing’s wrong.

You’d think that with the country’s obsession with battling obesity, that Super Size Me antagonist McDonald’s would have gone the way of the dodo. But nope. They stuck some salads on their menu and brand themselves as a healthy dining option.

Microsoft got themselves some fancy looking versions of Apple Stores. Southwest Airlines got that stupid on-the-nose picture of an airplane off their logo. Monster got that fun flowy flag. Even Target managed to give itself a good old-fashioned frenzied stampede when it proved it could be a go-to place for high (?) fashion with its Lily Pulitzer line.

 

And that’s what we need to do with police violence…I’m sorry with police Moments.

Sure, on the surface, it looks like adults are beating up on kids. But you know what, hipsters pay good money for older adults to put bruises on their body. It’s called Thai Massage.

And speaking of spicy food. It’s not pepper spray so much as it is a free sample from Hoy-Ka Noodle House. Yum-o!

See, doesn’t that feel better? Thinking about unnecessary force against clearly unarmed people in these new terms is almost as comforting as getting stretched out by Intira Juntasa at Wilsire Aroma Spa. So take your tragedy of choice, put a spin on it and let’s get back to smiling.

 

How might you apply this logic to other terrible things that are happening around you? Let us know in the comments!

 

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…or at least giant hypocrites.

The last few weeks of social media have been interesting.

I have conservative friends who would punish their daughters for kissing a boy before she’s engaged stand up for Josh Duggar and say that him touching his sisters in their private parts while they sleep is “normal” behavior.

I have liberal friends who stand up for prison reform, and who demand that offenders who commit actual crimes against human people be given treatment instead of punishment for their violent crimes call for the guy who taped the dog’s mouth shut to be flayed alive.

 

I have friends who support their right to bear firearms, but do not support the right of people being unjustly arrested to fight back against cops without having to fear for their lives.

I have friends who will talk climate change all day long, but who swear by their Keurig cups.

I have empathetic friends who swear off Game of Thrones because women get brutalized, but who weren’t troubled at all by the moments where men get gutted, burned alive, and tortured.

Even me. I’ve worked so hard at being an Oreo, but thanks to the recommendation of a few friends, I kind of want to watch Empire.

I’m not sure what to do about any of us. Except maybe stop with the facebook. But if you do see me watching Empire, go ahead and Game of Thrones me.

 
What about you? What beliefs of yours make no sense? Let us know in the comments so we can celebrate what nutty weirdos we all are.

 

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It’s happened again.

Police officers killed a man of color who was committing no crime and folks got upset about this.

About 10,000 folks marched peacefully, explained their positions, prayed and cried. About 30 people set some stuff on fire and those are the 30 people who most of the media and a large portion of my facebook feed is interested in focusing on.

When things like this happen, people love speaking in soundbites about it, and as an Oreo, it’s your job to make them feel okay about that. It’s your duty is to usher them through a conversation with a little awkwardness as possible. It’s a great Oreo honor to move the conversation along so you can get back to work before they start to wonder which side you’re really on.

The following is a Conversation Guide to help you do just that.

InnerVoice: Ahem!! Did I see that you posted on facebook about Baltimore??

TheOreoExperience: Yeah, I did. Excuse me everyone, this is my Inner Voice. She likes to chime in every once in a while, though I’m sure she’s just leaving–

IV: Yeah, hi folks. Just one second, Oreo and I have to clear some ish up. Posting sincere opinions about polarizing events on facebook not very Oreo of you, is it?

TOE: Well, I thought maybe I’d make myself into a more layered, nuanced character.

IV: People don’t want layers or nuance. That’s why the writer 50 Shades of Gray has been allowed to publish a book teaching people how to write.

TOE: Yikes! But you don’t think a little re-branding is okay?

IV: It’s risky. One day you’re like “oh, let’s try something new” The next day you’re Tropicana and all your merch spoils on the shelf.

TOE: Fair enough. But you know what doesn’t go well with morning coffee and self-doubt? Your patronizing. So if you’ll excuse me, I need to write.

Part of your duty is to usher them through a conversation with a little awkwardness as possible…oh, we did that already. Here we go. Follow the patterns in this conversation guide will help you through even the most klutyz convo.

 

So… Baltimore, huh? Crazy. You must have opinions, huh?

Upon hearing this, your instinct may be to prepare and then jete away (which is totally appropriate in other situations. Click here for reference). However, this is a time when the nation needs to heal. Please note that though this is a time when the nation needs to heal, let your conversation partner lead the healing part of the conversation. When a person of color talks about “healing,” riots break out.

So… Baltimore, huh? Crazy. You must have opinions, huh?

Oh good morning. Let me just put a pin in this multi-department schedule I’m working on. Would you like a petit four?

I mean… why would people destroy their own city?

You mean after six days of completely peaceful demonstrating that got approximately zero media attention?

IV: Woah, woah, woah! Too much nuance. Back that shit up.

TOE: You’re right, you’re right. I forgot myself. Dear readers, don’t point out the six days of peaceful protests thing, it will just make it look like you’re involved in the “fight” or the “movement.” And no one wants a fight or a movement at their regatta.

 

Let’s try that again.

I mean… why would people destroy their own city?

Yeah, I know what you mean… Oh, and the lavender and sea salt in these really pair well with the ganache, don’t you think?

I mean… it’s not like that guy was innocent. Have you seen the rap sheet on that guy? What was his name Michael Brown?

No, that was Missouri.

Tamil…Tamir Rice?

No, that was Cleveland.

John C–

Crawford? That was also Ohio.

Eric Garner?

That was New York. Freddie Gray. The guy in this incident is Freddie Gray.

Right. Gray. Well anyway, he was selling drugs for years, so it’s not like he was some Boy Scout.

Yeah, and I suppose the punishment for having sold drugs should be beheading without a trail.

IV: Jesus! Calm down Oreo X. You just got them to agree that actual sprigs of lavender belong in food you’re actually eating.

TOE: Those sprigs are actually really good.

IV: Well, then focus on that.

TOE: You’re right. Lavender, good. Justified anger, fear, and concern = terrifying. Backing up.

Right. Gray. Well anyway, he was selling drugs for years, so it’s not like he was some Boy Scout.

So true. You know what else is good on these? Cracked pepper. Has to be cracked, though.

I mean, violence doesn’t fix anything, you know.

Yup, which is probably why police officers shouldn’t resort to violence when meeting with someone who isn’t actively committing violence against someone else.

IV: New choice!

You’re so right. Which is why it’s really disappointing that all the people calling for non violence now weren’t calling for it when all those videos of cops shooting people surfaced.

IV: New choice!

I hear you. Violence solves nothing. Which is why officers should be trained to diffuse situations instead of escalating it through beatings and shootings.

IV: Are you even listening to me?

Tell me about it. The only thing I want to do violence on is another one of these petit fours.

TOE: Hey, Inner Voice. This is hard. Like really hard.

IV: And that’s why we fight… with clever jokes, not with rocks. Just to clarify FBI agents who may or may not be monitoring this communique, we fight with snark, which is legal and non-lethal

You know who is a hero in all this? That mom who beat up her son for protesting. I mean, if more parents would just raise their kids, then maybe their kids wouldn’t be thugs.

(At this point, you kinda just wanna shove all the petit fours in your mouth.)

Did you just eat all those petit fours?

(muffled) They’re really good.

They really are. Did you make them yourself?

Yeah. I couldn’t sleep after watching this Irving Berlin documentary. I was just so amped up.

Well, thanks for these. And thanks for the talk.

You’re welcome.

You um… you have lavender sprig in your teeth.

Thanks.

 

See. With just a few snacks and a little determination, you can keep your social standing, your good name, and your Oreo brand.

IV: See, that wasn’t so bad now was it?

TOE: I don’t know, Inner Voice. To tell you the truth, I really don’t know.

What’s your favorite reason for decrying the protests? And what do you like to stuff your face with to avoid reality? Let us know in the comments!

Related:

How to Write about Current Events Part I

And Part II

 

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