In addition to the homemade costumes discussed last week, check out this sexy illegal alien costume for our Coconuts. Nothing says that you’re disconnected to the issues affecting your race like a sexy, silvery sombrero.
Oh, and just in case your self loathing eats away at your body the way it eats away at your soul, check out this costume, lovingly called “Anna Rexia.”
Six African American students at Washington University clearly did not review the take-home materials before trying to get into a bar in Chicago.
Bouncers kept these students out of the club because they thought their pants were too baggy. Later that evening, black students switched pants with white students and the white students were let in no problem.
Obviously, this is upsetting. These black students are in college, a private college at that–a great start toward Oreodom.
But then they got lazy.
Baggy pants? Traveling en masse with other of colors? Trying to prove racial discrimination? Look, hipster jeans may not be comfortable, but they make things easier for everyone else.
The upside to this story, the disparaged upperclassmen are retaining attorneys. I’ve seen enough episodes Boston Legal and Law and Order to know that the folks who can afford to do this tend to be the fairer folks.
Nice move, guys. The effort is much appreciated. Be sure to review this week’s material–and not just the Cliffs Notes. There will be a pop quiz soon.
So, it’s been the general opinion of this blog, its readers and the movie viewership of America that Tyler Perry is the cheif anti-Oreo. What the spawn of satan will be to the end of days, TPear is to attempts to assimilate.
The Oreo Experience wonders now if this is the case.
Hear me out. While Tyler appears to stand for all that TOE detests, there are some key elements about him that may indicate is is a sheep in wolf’s clothing and perhaps, and this is a big perhaps, an Oreo deep down inside.
For example, Tyler Perry:
the self-loathing evident in his product makes him a prime candidate for Oreodom. The jury is still definitely out. But I’m keeping my eye on him. Maybe he’ll surprise me.
Or maybe we’ll get a new summer blockbuster: Madea Does Dallas.
Blanche-tourage (blahnch-too-rahzh): The necessary group of white people an Oreo surrounds her/himself with to maintain culture, perspective and quiche recipes.
Want moar definitions? Click here to learn how to tell if your Oreola is showing, how to get away with a White Lie and how to avoid ending up on the Blacklist.
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Oreos can be a competitive bunch. And I don’t just mean the melees that can occur during a properly costumed joust reenactment. Take for instance, my experience at a David Biale reading this week. It was a night of Jewish themed literature and comedy, produced and hosted by a friend of mine.
Now, I know that I’ve mentioned that it’s dangerous for Oreos to associate with other minorities. It’s true. When blacks and blacks or blacks and browns spend time together, it makes them look like they need each other’s company–they’re a stone’s throw away from being a gang.
But when your minority of choice can often pass for white, you’re golden. I mean look at this
guy. He was one of the opening acts. You’d be proud to bring him home to an Oreo Mom.
Also, bonus points goes to hanging with a group that whose culture has been lifted and trended appropriately. Who doesn’t remember the Kaballah Kraze. And pronouncing foods like “challah” is just enough to make the powers that be feel worldly, but safe.
So with a photo of my Sukkoth hut in hand, I took a seat in the front row, center.
The night alternated between comics and literati and each comic made mention of the “lone” black person in the room…a guy sitting about three rows away from me.
I was beyond frustrated. I did not take an unnecessary and unaffordable trip to J. Crew and strategically place myself in my seat to be passed over.
Now, perhaps, I was so convincing in my Oreo state, that I passed for one of them. Or perhaps, Other Oreo could be seen better from the stage. Whatever the reason for his getting my attention, it was game time!
You see, the first Oreo to be noticed will be considered by the crowd to be the real thing. By the time a second one of us is spotted, the novelty will have worn off and we’ll be relegated to being seen as just another black person.
So, I kicked my game into high gear and the fourth comic gave me the credit I deserved. He turned his attention to me and made light hearted jokes at my expense while the crowd laughed comfortably.
At the end of the night, Other Oreo introduced himself to me. A risky move. But one I appreciated as I knew he was congratulating me on a game well played.
What did I do to win my rightful attention? A combination of the steps listed below. Incorporate them into your next event and bask in the glow of the spotlight that will follow you around the room for the rest of the night.
1. Flip Your Hair. This one’s for the ladies. A simple shake of your (natch) freshly relaxed hair will waft the sweet smell of your mainstream shampoo and draw attention to your loose, catwalk ready waves. As discussed, silky hair is paramount to being an Oreo. Remind those in proximity that you have it.
2. Order an Old Fashioned. Have the hostess bring you a drink that is a) out of character and b) out of a movie that was made in a simpler time–like the 1950s. It’ll make everyone nostalgic. And they’ll appreciate you providing them with such warm memories.
3. Refer to the Michael Richards incident as “no big deal.” The event took place the Laugh Factory, the site of Michael Richards’ apparent breakdown where he called two hecklers of color the n-word…over and over again. I believe he event threatened to hang them. And they say comics are bitter and sad on the inside.
Chances are, something bad happened in the name of race at the actual location where you were or near where you were. During an intermission casually slip something into conversation like “I’m not saying Medgar Evers wasn’t important, I just wonder if he needs a wikipedia entry.”
This will let people know that you aren’t all that connected to your “people” and it lets them off the hook for wondering the same things.
4. Mention Your Celebrity Crush. Everyone has their one free Hollywood F. When a break in
the entertainment comes, let it slip that your is Sarah Silverman, Laura Linney or Catherine Keener if you’re a guy and if you’re a girl, then mention Hugh Grant (hands off, though, he’s totally mine), Gordon Ramsay or Shia LaBeouf.
5. Ask for a mint to get rid of an offensive taste. But choose carefully. Make sure that pre-show, you enjoyed an amuse bouche of a quiche lorraine, eggs benedict or Belgian endive with duck and apricot salad.
Try those Hail Marys sees if your opponent doesn’t fold. Fight the good fight, comrades, victory can be yours!
With Halloween just a few days away, it’s time for all good Oreos to decide what their costume will be. Here are some suggestions to make you a hit at your Halloween Party.
Sexy Sally Hemings: For those of you not up on your slave rape history, Sally Hemmings was the alleged secret, passionate lover of President Thomas Jefferson. In truth, Jefferson told Hemings that he would free her children after she died if she agreed to subject herself to him for the rest of her life.
Good things the folks at USA didn’t put those icky details into the miniseries they dreamed up. That would have made everyone super uncomfortable. Sport some rags and liquid-latex-created whip marks for good measure and folks will enjoy that you can laugh at history’s little gaffes.
Plus, you can use costume shackles for some after party fun!
Sexy NASCAR fan. Show your support for the south with something taudry that toasts something that thousands of people enjoy. Some Daisy Dukes,blonde wig and stars and bars shirt should do it for the ladies. Gents, try some overalls, inexpensive beer and your Sons of Confederate Veterans card.
Sexy Whitcon. Any number of white icons are available for you to dress up as. Choose someone who evokes nothing but a feeling that they belong to the majority and you’ll be a hit. People will appreciate that you love Marilyn Monroe, The Queen Mum or any John Hughes character as much as they do.
This will cause them to look way past your melanin indulgence and talk to you about how great the 50s were, how fantastic England is or how much teen angst comes with being slightly privileged. You will be loved for allowing this emotional vetting to occur.
Any of these characters.
So that people can tongue in cheek call you a spook, coon or Ace of Spades. They can truthfully say it’s all in good fun, and it’s all for a cause. C’mon, it’s just one night. You can take it.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and I’ve come to realize that for the last week, my coworker has been seeing me in quite the wrong light.
Forget Medea and Jason, this was a Greek tragedy!
When I told her what I was going to see after work last Thursday, her eyes got gleefully big and told me that I would have a blast!
I appreciated the well wishes, but I was surprised. This is a coworker who every weekend, tells stories of embraces with strangers at trendy bars, henna tattoos and occasionally dred-locking her blonde hair. To see her be impressed with my tickets to Medea was a pleasant surprise.
Monday morning, she made clear to me what she meant.
“Did you love it,” she squealed as she burst into my office. “She’s so funny…”What’cha’ll gone do? what’cha’ll gone do? Y’all best know dat ‘ho.’ I could imitate her all day!”
Apparently, my coworker did not notice the important difference between the names “Medea,” the enchanting daughter of King Aeëtes, granddaughter of sun god Helios and wife to hero Jason, whom she helped through his trials as he fought to claim the golden fleece. And “Madea,” a woman who is really Tyler Perry in drag and who delights in being sassy, protecting her offspring through colorful language and generally making life harder for black people.
I’m not sure what about my Queen Elizabeth mousepad or the framed degree from Bryn Mawr on my wall that led her to believe that I would poison my eyes with such a thing, but I’m worried that my identity is not being made clear. Suffice to say I’m hoping to keep my office door closed, and play my Chopin a little more loudly through it.
PS. In case you’re wondering if the Medea retrospective featuring the various incarnations of her story as told by Francesco Cavalli, Marc-Antoine Charpentier, Saverio Mercandante, Darius Milhaud and progressive Dutch rock band Kayak was worth the $100+ ticket. It was indeed.
WASHINGTON – In a highly anticipated move this weekend, President Barack Obama promised gays in the military that they would soon no longer have to abide by the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy and told Oreos that they would soon be able to.
“This is a huge victory,” said Trevor Wilcox, an Oreo from New Hampshire. “It always comes up in conversation that we’re ‘different than other black people.’ Now, the phrase ‘black people’ can’t even enter into the conversation. It’s like hiding in plain sight. We couldn’t be happier.”
At the President’s historic speech, some Oreos expressed their condolences toward the gay community.
Said Becky Harris, an Oreo from Buffalo, Wyoming: “You would think as a near-Oreo himself, Obama would know better than to ask gays to be openly against the mainstream. I mean, during his campaign, Obama went through great pains to support white frustration at black angst, distance himself from his black pastor and have his wife wear J. Crew.”
At the end of the speech, the crowd of thousands cheered Obama’s pledge. However, if the new Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy goes the way of of Obama’s other campaign promises, these changes won’t go into effect until sometime in the 3000s.
I just finished taking the Stuff White People Like Test again. It’s part of my regular Oreo maintenance and something I would recommend all Oreo hopefuls do to track their progress.(NOTE: The SWPL list online varies slightly from the test in the book–which, of course, is a proud part of my home library).
Don’t worry if you start out with an initial score in the 60s or 70s, you’re still half way there. Not all of us can get a 97% like yours truly.
And some anglo-tastic things do take getting used to. When I first started eating expensive sandwiches, for example, my common sense really wanted to kick in and tell me to save my $17 dollars for something more impressive than chicken salad on a brioche. But I was using the word ‘brioche’ in a sentence, so I kind of had to go for it.
Likewise, gentrification has its obvious downsides and I do feel bad when I see the trail of tears that is the working class hoping that the move inland will treat them better. But how else am I going to ensure that I stand out in the neighborhood?
Some things, however, were just easy. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy non-motorized boating, Portland, Oregon or trying too hard.
The full list of Stuff White People Like serves as a very handy guide for Oreos, but there are some things on the list that cause problems. For example, White People like The Wire, Dave Chappelle and…it hurts to type this…having black friends.
So what’s an Oreo to do? If a person of color says that they like The Wire, Dave Chappelle or having black friends, they are considered typical, crass and unfriendly, respectively. The ruling class expects us to like these things because they look like us. So in order to maintain Oreodom, we have to lose any affinity for them. But in order to achieve 100% on the SWPL test, one has to admit to liking them.
The dilemma makes your head hurt almost as much as relaxer cream stings the scalp.
The truth is that it’s precisely these kinds of things that are keeping me from scoring 100% on the test.
The best I can offer you is this: When discussing these subject, choose your words carefully, and tread lightly. Very lightly–outside and inside. And when in doubt, pull our your Criteron Collection edition of Song of the South and a David Sedaris story and you’ll win them back.
Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan
Currently, US 4th graders ranked 11th in reading skills and below Latvia and Kazakhstan in math skills.
Obama suggested that keeping students in school longer will help them become more competitive in the global economy when they are adults.
The students most likely to be influenced by these changes are students of color who are on average more likely to be in underperforming schools.
And thus, the students most likely to be harmed by this potential legislation: budding, young Oreos.
When I was in school, I didn’t have a President pushing math and science at me. I found those nerdy subjects all by myself. I could have easily paid attention to the football and basketball games that I attended…in my marching band uniform. How fantastic are spats, btw!!!
But I snuck my calculus books into the stadium in my hatbox underneath my band cap’s bright white feather plume and I didn’t need an elected official to tell me to kill my social life like this. I did it because I cared enough to do it.
And because of those early efforts, I have won the right to call myself an Oreo today.
Imagine the tens of students like myself who would no longer be the special, noteworthy darker skinned child who bucked the trend and read on their own volition, could solve a differential equation because they liked it and joining the Academic Decathlon team because the bullying hurt so good.
If all students are encouraged–and especially by a President of half color–then my work would be in vain, my efforts would be for naught, and my Dickens Fair Society would no longer be a color-free, safe haven.
C’mon, Mr. President. You know you love Little Dorrit reenactments. Don’t take those away from me.
The Oreo Experience 