As we have discussed, it is important to be the only person of color in the room at any given time or event. Having more than one of us around can lead to all sorts of miscommunication, embarrassing run-ins and tempt either of you to discuss common race-related issues that might trigger a long latent desire to read some Nikki Giovanni.
But sometimes a room is crowded, dark or split-level. So how do you both determine if there are any of colors in the vicinity and relax enough to proudly show off the pictures from Inverness on your iPhone?
Instead of prowling from corner to corner paper bag testing everyone you come into contact with, just look for a few key things to see if you are safe.
1. People never seem to quite finish the sentences: “So…you’re here with…..” or “You must be here to see…….” or “You must know Carol from……..”
2. You are at the Viper Room.
3. The DJ suddenly changes the music from relatively ambient Slowdive and Neutral Milk Machine and includes a random cameo like Baby Got Back. Then a dance circle forms around you. Don’t panic, after they see your first perfectly precise box step, they’ll get the idea.
4. People ask you oddly practical questions out of the blue like “Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?” “What time does are you closing tonight?” and “Can I give you my coat?”
5. You cannot quite find the words to describe your complete and utter sense of relaxation.
If these elements are in place, enjoy your party! And be sure to try the tapenade.
It’s that time of year when despite your best efforts you may be forced to spend time with other of colors. This will likely happen at family gatherings, holiday charity donation drives or company events where the main office invites the warehouse and janitorial staff to attend.
A check of the guest list might encourage you to skip the peppermint-tinis and almond hummus bruschetta to avoid potentially dangerous run-ins. But keep these few rules in mind and you can schmooze safely.
1. Avoid Eye Contact. As you enter the room, perform a quick perimeter scan. At this point, do not lock eyes with anyone, simply discover and memorize the locations of your anti-targets. Keep them in your peripheral vision throughout the night, but only there. Even a slight look in the eyes of an of color may strike in the Oreo an uncomfortable familiarity. In that moment, you may see the parts of yourself that you have thankfully pushed aside to reach for a higher goal. And you don’t need anything that might lure you back to the dark side.
2. Remember: Their Vision is Based on Movement. There will be music at this party. For the most part, these songs will be timeless holiday classics like O Holy Night and White Christmas. However, the appearance of melanin will likely encourage the DJ to play something ethnic. You may be finishing the final 1-2-3 steps to Adeste Fidelis when Empire State of Mind begins hurting your ears.
Halt your box step immediately. If the others see you moving as this anthemic “tribute” to New York begins, they may get the wrong idea and assume that you’re going to join them popping and locking on the dancefloor.
Remember, just because “orchestrapop” contains the word “orchestra,” that does not mean that it is Oreo approved music.
3. Sound the Oreo Distress Call. You may do everything right on your mixed crowd evening and still have something go wrong. Whether it’s something as simple as getting stuck in the crepe line next to that guy from shipping and receiving or an of color taking it one step further and asking for the time, the location of the restroom or your number, you must remove yourself from this situation ASAP before your coworkers, that one white family member or the leaders of the friendly non-profit organization think you are nothing more than an RBP.
Chin up, Ziggy. It's not personal.
It’s time to sound the distress call. The distress call is simply a line of spoken dialogue that will draw fairer skinned people your conversation and push anyone else to a different gift exchange. Use one of the following if you need to escape quickly:
God, the Redwings were amazing last night.
I wish I knew where I put my Young Republicans pin.
Call me crazy, but I really prefer the Thin White Duke to Ziggy Stardust.
Happy Holidays. Be safe, be smart, be assimilated. It’s a gift we all deserve.
Every once in a while, I have the chance to talk with people who really remind me why I’m fighting so hard for my Oreodom. I stumbled across my latest interview quite by accident.
I was researching famous black actor Steppin Fetchit. Mr. Fetchit changed the course of life for African Americans everywhere by condoning what ruling class performers were already doing in minstrel shows by becoming a minstrel who came already blackfaced. Instead of presenting himself as an intelligent, upwardly mobile human, he presented himself as a shuffling, idiotic, infantile man. And in so doing, became the first African American millionaire.
His legacy forever altered the way of colors were seen on TV.
Naturally, this is the kind of material a good Oreo should watch over and over again just to keep the self loathing fresh and on hand.
When I googled “step n fetch”–the term that was ultimately derived from his name to describe a certain type of behavior and persona, I found a variety of businesses who use the name.
The first one I was able to contact was Step N Fetch Um Grocery in a small town in Oklahoma.
Because it’s rare to find a business who so blatantly reminds its customer base what the average Oreo is fighting against, I knew I had to speak to the owner to thank him for justifying my fight. Below is the transcript of some of the highlights of the conversation.
OW: …I actually found your business because I was looking for some information on the actor Stepin Fetchit. Do you know that is?
Dale: Mmm, no. I never…I heard about it, but I don’t know–
OW: –Who he is?
Dale: Ahh, I don’t know any details on it. I just…Somebody has–they’ve asked several times and I tell them “I don’t know.”
OW: Oh really? People have asked about it before? What do they say?
Dale: They just asked me if I come up with that name, I say “no.”
Dale then explained to me that the name was actually created by his business partner who unfortunately passed away quite some time ago. Dale bought the business from his partner’s wife and kept the store and the namesake.
OW: Have you ever looked up who Stepin Fetchit is?
Dale: Mmm, no. In fact, though, last year, one of the school kids, I guess they were studying something in school and they asked me about it.
OW: You guys should look up the actor sometime, though, he’s really interesting. He was a black actor in the first part of last century, which was really groundbreaking at the time. But he kind of created the sort of character that a lot of black characters are in movies today. He was kinda dumb and very much like “yes, missa, lemme do that fo’ ya missa,” like evoked that kind of persona. Which, I don’t know. I’ve heard that some people get offended by that. Have you heard that?
Dale: Yeah. I’ve heard some of it. It’s kinda like …and I don’t know if you remember this or not, but do you remember Sidney Poitier, he played with–he was the first black cowboy I’d ever seen.
OW: What was he like?
Dale: He was great. He was a real good actor.
OW: Sidney Poiter was an amazing actor. Did he play the same kind of character that Stepin Fetchit did? Like the kind of dumb guy?
Dale: No, he played one of the main characters.
OW: That’s great. Good thing you didn’t name your business after Sidney. That would have been an awkward homage.
We talked movies for a bit, before returning to the topic at hand.
Dale: It’s interesting that people bring this up every once in a while. Evidentially, it must be back in the history books.
OW: Are they upset or bothered?
Dale: No, they just ask about it and I tell them my partner made it up.
OW: Was your partner black by any chance?
Dale: No. He was from down eastern Oklahoma.
OW: When people ask about the business name, are they upset or concerned or do they like it?
Dale: I had one lady who said “Well, that’s kinda offensive.” I said “Well, I dunno. Not that I know of.”
OW: She asked if you thought it was offensive and you said you didn’t know.
Dale: Yeah, it was somebody from out of town. It wasn’t nobody–
OW: Oh, she wasn’t from your town?
Dale: No. Huh-uh.
OW: Was she black?
Dale: Uh, she was part. But she was asking me about this and I said “I don’t know!”
OW: Well, I mean, why would you konw. And why would you go look it up? That’s a lot of time to take.
Dale: Well, a lot of people get curious on stuff like that. I’m not a great big history buff. It doesn’t concern what we’re going through. If it doesn’t affect us now, I don’t really worry about it. That was 40 or 50 years ago.
OW: Yeah, stuff that happened 40 or 50 years ago does not affect what’s going on today.
Dale: It’s like my ancestors. They came over here from Switzerland.
OW: I love skiing. Do you get to go skiing very much?
Dale: My granddad used to talk about fighting over horse biscuits in the street.
OW: Horse biscuits?
Dale: Horse poop.
OW: Oh! Those kinds of horse biscuits.
Dale: They had to use it for burning over there. I thought that was kind of hard to believe, but like this other stuff, it doesn’t have anything to do with what’s going on today.
OW: That does sound like the same issue as Stepin Fetchit’s dubious legacy.
Dale: Yeah, because we don’t have to put up with it.
OW: Yeah, don’t have to put up with fighting for fuel in the streets. Don’t have to put up with terrible images of black people in movies. It’s all better.
Dale: Yes.
Dale went on to tell me how he grew up mostly around Native Americans. He even had a black friend in high school.
OW: So, because you grew up around so many minorities, do you feel a connection to the cultures?
Dale: Oh yes! They had the same problems that we did.
OW: Exactly the same problems.
Now, I understood. That connection that he so proudly proclaimed clearly explained why he didn’t waste any time figuring out if the name of his business was offensive or at the very least, outdated.
OW: Now, are there very many people of color in your town?
Dale: I’ve got one sitting right here.
OW: Well, congratulations.
Dale: Do you want to talk to him?
And that’s when the conversation became terrifying. Not just because I was chatting with another of color–if any other Oreos would have seen me, I’d be chastised for sure, but because of what he told me mere second into the conversation.
OW: I’m a little intrigued by the grocery store Step N Fetch Um. Are you a regular here?
RBP: Oh yes.
OW: Do you like the name?
RBP: Yeah! Ain’t nothing wrong with this name. We still have to step and fetch it!
Well, technically not since 1865, but who’s counting?
OW: Do you know the actor Stepin Fetchit?
RBP: I know all that, but if you leave the name alone, it’ll be okay.
OW: Did you like his work? Did you think he was funny?
RBP: Yeah, he was funny.
OW: So you’ve seen very many of his movies.
RBP: I’ve seen practially all of them.
So I guess Tyler Perry is on to something, after all.
OW: Well, thank you. I am off to go shine some shoes and serve some lunch, I will talk to you guys later.
RBP: Okay, bye.
Please enjoy the following clip of Stepin in action. (Just in case it’s not clear, Step is the lazy man in bed who can’t get up, is fascinated by the telephone, can barely get his words out, and happily admits to being 11 months behind on rent)
So, it’s been the general opinion of this blog, its readers and the movie viewership of America that Tyler Perry is the cheif anti-Oreo. What the spawn of satan will be to the end of days, TPear is to attempts to assimilate.
The Oreo Experience wonders now if this is the case.
Hear me out. While Tyler appears to stand for all that TOE detests, there are some key elements about him that may indicate is is a sheep in wolf’s clothing and perhaps, and this is a big perhaps, an Oreo deep down inside.
For example, Tyler Perry:
Exhibits a poor view of black people. His movies and shows rely on trite sterotypes to find the funny. Is he writing this way because it’s what makes money, or because it’s what he believes? If it was purely about capitalism, surely some of his truth would have seeped out by now and he would have made something pleasant. But the self-loathing evident in his product makes him a prime candidate for Oreodom.
Enjoys exploiting people of color. At his current rate of production, TP puts out a movie and nearly a full run of TV series a year. This means he has a slew of people working very hard so that he can make media junket appearances. Because he runs “black” shows, and because he chose to settle in Atlanta, most of his employees are of color. Notably, his writers, who Perry seemingly prevented from joining their union during their employ. Only relatively recently, and after millions in his own pockets did TP give in.
Is intmidated by Spike Lee. Thanks to blogger Belle Woods for reposting comments on Tyler Perry’s reaction to director Spike Lee. Apparently Spike called TP on the carpet for his portrayal of black people. Tyler fought back, claiming that Madea is really a subversive way of instilling value in the viewers. Now, while a true Oreo would invite Spike over for scones and conversation, a self loather would take the same emotional stance as the fairer folks and tuck tail a bit when Lee speaks.
The jury is still definitely out. But I’m keeping my eye on him. Maybe he’ll surprise me.
Or maybe we’ll get a new summer blockbuster: Madea Does Dallas.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and I’ve come to realize that for the last week, my coworker has been seeing me in quite the wrong light.
Forget Medea and Jason, this was a Greek tragedy!
When I told her what I was going to see after work last Thursday, her eyes got gleefully big and told me that I would have a blast!
I appreciated the well wishes, but I was surprised. This is a coworker who every weekend, tells stories of embraces with strangers at trendy bars, henna tattoos and occasionally dred-locking her blonde hair. To see her be impressed with my tickets to Medea was a pleasant surprise.
Monday morning, she made clear to me what she meant.
“Did you love it,” she squealed as she burst into my office. “She’s so funny…”What’cha’ll gone do? what’cha’ll gone do? Y’all best know dat ‘ho.’ I could imitate her all day!”
I’m not sure what about my Queen Elizabeth mousepad or the framed degree from Bryn Mawr on my wall that led her to believe that I would poison my eyes with such a thing, but I’m worried that my identity is not being made clear. Suffice to say I’m hoping to keep my office door closed, and play my Chopin a little more loudly through it.
PS. In case you’re wondering if the Medea retrospective featuring the various incarnations of her story as told by Francesco Cavalli, Marc-Antoine Charpentier, Saverio Mercandante, Darius Milhaud and progressive Dutch rock band Kayak was worth the $100+ ticket. It was indeed.
“This is a huge victory,” said Trevor Wilcox, an Oreo from New Hampshire. “It always comes up in conversation that we’re ‘different than other black people.’ Now, the phrase ‘black people’ can’t even enter into the conversation. It’s like hiding in plain sight. We couldn’t be happier.”
At the President’s historic speech, some Oreos expressed their condolences toward the gay community.
Said Becky Harris, an Oreo from Buffalo, Wyoming: “You would think as a near-Oreo himself, Obama would know better than to ask gays to be openly against the mainstream. I mean, during his campaign, Obama went through great pains to support white frustration at black angst, distance himself from his black pastor and have his wife wear J. Crew.”
At the end of the speech, the crowd of thousands cheered Obama’s pledge. However, if the new Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy goes the way of of Obama’s other campaign promises, these changes won’t go into effect until sometime in the 3000s.
Currently, US 4th graders ranked 11th in reading skills and below Latvia and Kazakhstan in math skills.
Obama suggested that keeping students in school longer will help them become more competitive in the global economy when they are adults.
The students most likely to be influenced by these changes are students of color who are on average more likely to be in underperforming schools.
And thus, the students most likely to be harmed by this potential legislation: budding, young Oreos.
When I was in school, I didn’t have a President pushing math and science at me. I found those nerdy subjects all by myself. I could have easily paid attention to the football and basketball games that I attended…in my marching band uniform. How fantastic are spats, btw!!!
But I snuck my calculus books into the stadium in my hatbox underneath my band cap’s bright white feather plume and I didn’t need an elected official to tell me to kill my social life like this. I did it because I cared enough to do it.
And because of those early efforts, I have won the right to call myself an Oreo today.
Imagine the tens of students like myself who would no longer be the special, noteworthy darker skinned child who bucked the trend and read on their own volition, could solve a differential equation because they liked it and joining the Academic Decathlon team because the bullying hurt so good.
If all students are encouraged–and especially by a President of half color–then my work would be in vain, my efforts would be for naught, and my Dickens Fair Society would no longer be a color-free, safe haven.
C’mon, Mr. President. You know you love Little Dorrit reenactments. Don’t take those away from me.
It’s not just the fact that we get to think about what’s wrong with us that makes Yom Kippur an important holiday for an Oreo.
There are at least nine other reasons why Oreos should pull up a seat next to our Jewish friends, twist our freshly pressed hair into side curls and join them in celebrating the Day of Atonement.
1. We can eat fried foods without being all stereotypetastic about it. Let’s hear it for kreplach.
2. Being a kosher Oreo leads to fun new words like “Koshoreo.”
3. Fasting makes people too weak to notice what you look like.
4. Circumcision is probably as painful as a relaxer.
5. Communing with former slaves is okay when they can pass for white.
5. “Shana Tova” sounds much better than “What up shawty.”
6. On the Day of Atonement, Jews celebrate the fact that G-d will forgive the sinful nature of their humanity, present at birth, and give them a fresh start for another year. Oreos can celebrate, too, the fact that a chosen few of the privilege class will forgive us the nature of our birth.
8. Sammy. Davis. Jr.
9. The bitter herbs eaten at meals will taste much like your overly controlled soul.
10. We are in the Jewish year 5770. More than 3000 years ahead of the mainstream calendar. Maybe in a parallel Jewish universe, we are equally ahead in society and we don’t have to work so hard to blend in–by 5770, it should come naturally.
I spent the day moving and was terrified at what I found in my complex.
Before moving in, my new building manager kept telling me about my neighbors Pam and David. He told me how nice they were. How sweet they were. How they’d be more than willing to watch my cat or feed my sugar glider.
What he did not tell me what that Pam and David…were black.
I discovered this nick on the property value as I was already hours deep into the move.
Not only are they black, they are older and kind and wise. I’m basically living next door to Morgan Freeman.
This not only takes the black to white ratio of my location up too high, it also tempts me, daily. The niceness is attractive and I would love to get their experienced thoughts on investment opportunities, the state of the education system or whether or not this guy is worth the effort.
They also make what smells like a perfectly prepared sweet potato casserole with fantastically seasoned pork chops.
Why must they taunt me? Oh, I see. They think I can’t stand up to their sweet faces and their delicious food. But watch me. I will proudly live next door to them and never once darken their doorstep.
Unless they pull out the banana pudding, too. Everyone has an Achille’s Heel.
and includes a random cameo like Baby Got Back. Then a dance circle forms around you. Don’t panic, after they see your first perfectly precise box step, they’ll get the idea.
Every once in a while, I have the chance to talk with people who really remind me why I’m fighting so hard for my Oreodom. I stumbled across my latest interview quite by accident. 
So, it’s been the general opinion of this blog, its readers and the movie viewership of America that Tyler Perry is the cheif anti-Oreo. What the spawn of satan will be to the end of days, TPear is to attempts to assimilate. 
the self-loathing evident in his product makes him a prime candidate for Oreodom. 
WASHINGTON – In a highly anticipated move this weekend, 
I spent the day moving and was terrified at what I found in my complex.
The Oreo Experience 