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Dialing up the Dark

As has been mentioned before, sometimes it is necessary to tap into that which we are trying to avoid. Every now and then, screwing your courage to the sticking post and owning your ethnicity can get you out of a sticky situation. Letting people think that you are an RBP can really come in handy in the right situation. For example:

  • Letting that big bouncer think that you are equally as dismayed at the dearth of ethnics in line can totally let you skip ahead while you stand on line for Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me.
  • Adding the right amount of scowl as you catch the eye of the dude at the kiosk at the mall will ensure that you are not hounded to change your cell phone service.
  • Whistle a little Soulja Boy as you walk past their table and you will not have to disappoint those Girl Scouts when you say that you don’t have cash handy to buy their cookies–because they won’t ask.    

    Stick to your diet with nothing more than a weary smile

  • Pretend to be finishing a conversation about the finer points of Malcolm X on your phone as you approach that sea salt scrub saleslady. She won’t give you a hard sell at all. Simply a smile and nod as you go on your way, your wallet unmolested. 

Remember, pretending to be an RBP can be a difficult and exhausting experience. Be sure to refuel yourself with a trip through Modcloth, some Glen Grant and a little Vampire Weekend.

Beautiful Day to be an RBP?

Why does The Oreo Experience encourage such strict adherence to the rules? Find out by watching “Black Guys on a Beautiful Day.”

Congrats to Kevin Avery, W. Kamau Bell, Greg Edwards and Reggie Steele for a great piece. I’d totally hang out with these guys…you know, if being seen en masse wouldn’t strip me of years of Oreo cred.

Vanity. Fair.

Whenever I get worried that there’s no need to keep up the Oreo fight, I find ways to get myself back on track. Like by looking at how one American institution looks at another American institution. In this case, it was the Vanity Fair “new Hollywood” issue. 

About the photo. Michael K at dlisted.com writes:

“Every year, Annie Leibovitz shoots Vanity Fair’s “New Hollywood” issue and this year’s cover makes a BYU class picture look like a Benetton ad.”

Ahh, and just when I thought that I should return my Jane Austen dress. Stretched credit limit be damned! I’m keeping it.

For more on why we love this look, read celebitchy’s rundown. Favorite Oreo excerpts from the analysis include:

“…Just glancing at the spread, I’m liking it. No one ghostly pale with ghoulish grey skin and vampire red lips (as they’ve been styled in past years). Everyone looks fresh and pretty.”

“…With her patrician looks and celebrated pedigree—she is the daughter of American operatic soprano Maria Ewing and legendary British theater director Sir Peter Hall”

“The Cupid’s-bow lips, the downy-soft cheeks, the button nose: 27-year-old Abbie Cornish has those Ivory-soap-girl features we’re so familiar with…”

Ahh, beauty standard. Where would we be without you keeping us in place.

Computers are Concerned

In this video, we see a computer freeze when faced with the face of an RBP. The webcam is supposed to follow the face of the user around. It does so when presented with an anglo visage, but not when presented with an ethnic one. This implies that the software wasn’t programmed to recognize non-standard faces or that the computer, having become self-aware, as such items are want to do, understood the danger inherent therein.

A follow up video, posted by theGrio.com showed an HP webcam experiment that did not produce potentially litigious results. Host Todd Johnson also read a quote from HP where the computer company explained that their cameras don’t work as well in areas with insufficient lighting.

So, the computers don’t recognize RBP in the dark…which is where you most certainly don’t want to run into one. Wishful bionic thinking. The machine is self aware.

Oreo on the Airwaves (or: This is Why You Keep Your Distance)

Many times, we have discussed why as an Oreo, it is important to keep a perimeter around yourself and between RBP. If you don’t do this, it’s only a matter of time before you discuss issues pertinent to race that make non colors feel uncomfortable and ruin years of hard-earned repression.

So I knew I was taking a chance when I accepted an interview offer from Gus T Renegade, the host of a decidedly un-Oreo podcast. 

But, I considered it community service and decided to take a chance and see if I couldn’t spread a little Oreo goodness to the masses.

Unlike my discussion of Longfellow held at the regatta, or the time I discussed the finer points of pointillism over tea at the Getty, the conversation with Mr. Renegade was heated and could definitely not be replayed at the club.

You can play it for yourself if you would like by going to this link and listening to or downloading the podcast.

To my non color friends (read: all my friends ), a sincere apology for having uncomfy phrases like “white supremacy” and “racism” repeated over and over. You know that I would never say such words unless absolutely necessary.

But don’t worry, after the broadcast, I cleansed my palate by watching some Bertol Brecht. Nothing like a little German modernism and Strum und Drang to get the gears going right again.

(And seriously, if you’re in Los Angeles, or are going to be soon, check out The Sacred Fools Theater’s production of Baal. Stunning) 

Congrats Obama! Matthews forgot you were black.

…we should all be so lucky!

While speaking about President Obama’s State of the Union Address, pundit Chris Matthews said that he forgot Obama was black because there was no “ethnicity” or “tribalism” in his speech.

It is a slippery slope from admitting to being of color to clicking like a Zimbabwean tribesman, which is why The Oreo Experience suggests removing all vestiges of ethnicity from speech. 

Because Obama was so eloquent, Matthews was able to only dedicate half of this 2 and some odd-minute soundbite to the way the President sounded (and not what he actually said) instead of having to spend the entire 180 seconds trying to read through awkward slang. 

Thank you, Mr. Obama. Though you are not truly an Oreo, you are certainly an inspiration. 

And Mr. Matthews, if I leave you a voicemail, will you pay me the same compliment? I could talk about politics, or the delightful peach tartin I just put in the oven. 

And

The new “some of my best friends are black”

Sometimes, though they will be impressed with the progress you are making as an Oreo, non-colors will be confused. They’ll look at your burning pile of Ella Fitzgerald records and say something “Do you really need to try so hard to hide? I mean, c’mon, we have a black President.”

The phrase “We have a black President,” seems to be the new “C’mon, some of my best friends are black.”

People will use the phrase to justify anything from encouraging you to accept their present of Jay-Z tickets to being fairly openly racist.

Variations of this phrase include,

  • “…so what if diversity levels at companies are down, things are clearly different, we have a black President now.”
  • “…so what if Harry Reid said what he said, the guy in charge of making him apologize is our black President.”
  • “…who cares that the word “negro” will be on the Census, it obviously doesn’t mean anything bad, we have a black President.”

It may be tempting to point to statics that show that having a black President has done little so far to change the demographics of the inner city working poor or improve the conditions at under funded schools. But doing so will cause you to be seen as an RBP, so stuff it or be ready to be considered the affirmative action slip up.

The better choice is to run a polishing rag over your Young Republicans pin and say “you’re right. Things are different now.”

And be on the look out for other variations on this theme.

  • You may hear something like: “C’mon LL Cool J’s on NCIS.”

Usually said in response to: A sigh or lament at the fact that most criminals on police procedurals who kill with some sort of complicated and almost understandable emotion are white; and most killers who simply boast of blowing some kid, businessman or prostitute away with no remorse or sense of self-control are of color.

Proper Oreo Response: You’re right. And I do love Cool James.

  • You may hear something like: “C’mon, you have Roots.”

Usually said in response to: A lament at the fact that film canon about the Holocaust consists of well made movies that show all kinds of emotion, storytelling and filmmaking prowess while movies made about America’s holocaust, slavery, are relegated to maudlin TV movies and show slaves falling in love with their horrifically abusive masters while ignoring stories about how male slaves were regularly castrated sans sedatives, how lots of what we know about gynecology today came from living experiments on female slaves or that the American slave trade was kept going for 50 years after international slave trading was outlawed by slave owners who kept female slaves like breeding cows.

Proper Oreo Response. You’re right. Who doesn’t love Lamar? 

  • You May Hear Something Like: “C’mon, they’re the heroes, they have to win big.”

Usually Said in Response To: Walking out of Avatar and thinking, “isn’t this Dance with Wolves or The Last Samurai just with aliens and a bazillion dollars of special effects instead of minorities. I’m not saying it’s a white guilt allegory, but maybe.”

Proper Oreo Response: You’re Right. Learning one of the most complicated linguistic systems ever known (DWW/AVA), mastering an art in a few months that people have literally spent their whole lives perfecting (AVA/TLS) and being the white love savior for a poor indentured native girl (DWW/AVA) is more than reasonable.

Learn these conversations and soon you may hear something like “You do play squash, right? You should join my league, we meet on Saturday.”

Proper Oreo Response: I’ll be there with bells on.

TC - Keeping it Real

Help For Haiti

Don’t think that it hasn’t been tempting to Oreo up current events.

On one hand, giving to charity is a wonderfully ruling class thing to do. Nothing reminds you that you don’t have to deal with a certain group of people than writing a check to an organization who will give you praise and a tax write off for your efforts.

But giving to ethnic organizations in league with other of colors, well, that makes you a pretty typical RBP, yes?

The post was going to read something like that.

But the more I listened to report after reporting coming in–and especially after the aftershocks today, the more I not only didn’t want to go quite so far over the line, but the more I wanted to make sure that everyone who can, did help out.

Some links are here. I chose Clinton’s campaign. And I encourage you to choose whatever suits you.

And don’t worry, the snark and cynicism will return later in the week.