Oreo Advice

Writing Advice

Inspired by Binyavanga Wainaina’s article “How to Write about Africa,” The Oreo Experience presents a handful of tips on how to write about not Africans, but African Americans. (Please, please do read Mr. Wainaina’s article. Excellent, sound advice there.) There are many similarities, but a few key differences.

Find a way to incorporate “soul,” “color,” “brother” or “dark” into your title or subhead. This will immediately clue your readers into the fact that this article is about someone of color. You need to let people know that awkward material is on the horizon. Bonus points if you can work some sort of ghetto/urban/ebonics into your title, too!

Never write about middle to upper middle class African Americans. Your audience will recognize that this can’t possibly be the experience of RPB and it will ring false.

Keep it down, low. Whether you’re writing about rising unemployment and continued high poverty, how the recession is hitting blacks harder than others, the burden felt by pioneers, higher levels of diabetes or HIV, or food deserts in of color communities, remember, no one should be smiling by the time they get to your end paragraph. Articles about doctors doing amazing things, academics rising to great heights
and well-to-do families adopting kids really need to focus off of of colors in order to ring true.

And as important as it is to write this way, Oreos, it’s important to keep reading, too. If you’re not sure why you’re fighting the Oreo fight, click on any of those links in Tip #3 and you’ll be back on the self-loathing track in no time!

Be sure to check back in next week when we discuss how to cast an actor of color in your film or television show!

Oreo Survival Guide – Cardio Funk

Sometimes, well meaning friends not of color will invite you to certain events where your Oreodom will be tested by surprise. These events will seem like harmless outings where friends can bond. But be careful. Becoming too comfortable with a friend can cause you to slip and ruin years of effort.

To help you through these moments, The Oreo Experience is happy to present a survival guide for one of the most nefarious of these group gatherings: The hip hop cardio funk workout class.

Purporting to be a fun way to shed calories and inches, these classes are like land mines for an Oreo. It’s true, many of us have an innate sense of rhythm that we must suppress lest we look like an RBP. From the moment you step into one of these classes, all eyes will be on you as the assumption will be that you can pop, lock and/or ghetto bounce better than the fairer faced exercisers.

While that may or may not be true, follow these steps to make it known who you are with all haste.

1. Stumble across the threshold. Committing a literal faux pas as you make your entrance will tacitly clue the ladies in the class in to a potential lack of hand-eye coordination and fast twitch muscle fibres that are perhaps mis-firing. Don’t rely on just this. They may write it off as a simple, and unlikely to be repeated misstep.

2. Ask the teacher for her credentials; mention yours. Anyone can complete the training that Bally’s offers its employees, but how unethnic will you sound when you talk about the years you spent at the American Ballet Theater. NOTE: When the follow up question about Alvin Ailey comes from certain cultured work-outers, feign ignorance and say that

3. Chalk up any (accidental) expertise to hula training. It goes without saying that you must make yourself out to be the worst dancer in the class. When teacher says left, go right. When teacher says to give her levels, ask if she’s hanging a painting. When she asks for a body roll, suggest a California roll instead. But in the event, that any natural ability does leak out, you must have an alibi at the ready. Hula works well because it implies a well-to-do type of trip. And while native peoples invented the hula, they aren’t often associated with the brown natives of other nations. So shimmy away!

4. Cheer properly. These kinds of classes often encourage participation by group shouts and whoops. While your teacher and classmates might let fly a “Wooo! You go girl!” or something like that, your exclamation must be different and distinctive. Instead of a “that’s it!” or “uh – HUH!” or “eOOOWWW!” Try a “Huzzah, mi’ladies!” to set your self apart.

5. Invite the class to your traditional post work out dinner at Umami Burger. Nothing says “I’m not ethnic like eating at the kind of Asian-inspired place that non ethnics love.” There, you can dine on medium rare meat adorned with butter lettuce, Italian truffle cheese and almost ketchup while your new friends appreciate who you have worked so hard to be.

Just don’t let them catch you tapping your feet to the restaurant’s music. You’ve come so far, it’d be sad to see your efforts vanish by dessert.

Entendres, Double

A quick google search of the name of my own blog turns up the fact that “The Oreo Experience” is also a sex position.

In case the imagery didn’t immediately click in, the term describes two men of color experiencing one anglo woman.

This is obviously upsetting…Two men of color in such close proximity–very un-Oreo! Not an Oreo experience at all.

It also brings up a philosophical conundrum in the mind of male Oreos. Regular black guys love white women. So a male Oreo really should date a lady of color to as not to seem to be an RBP. But lady Oreos like myself really can’t date men of color or we become RBP.

What’s an Oreo to do when it comes to dates?

My suggestion for the gentlemen is not to jeopardize the hard work of ladies like myself and therefore, to make sure that your chosen light-skinned date is especially so. Brunettes will do, but a redhead would be great. Bonus points for a

When it comes to dating, you are either in or you are out. Choose wisely so that you say in the game.

Scandinavian–especially if you can work a few words of Norwegian or Flemish into the conversation.

Or to be gay. Your average RBP and the Friends of Dorothy don’t tend to commune. Except, of course, when they’re getting their hair did.

Standing Out Gets You Back In

Being an Oreo isn’t just fun and easier on the ego, it is also amazingly practical.

For example: Tonight, I went to another staple of non ethnic entertainment: improv comedy.

I handed my giant, red and laminated ticket to the nice ComedySportz doorman and then realized that I forgot my Moleskine Notebook in my car. I asked if I had time to run back and get it. The doorman said that I did and then added:

“Don’t worry about needing your ticket to get back in, I’ll remember your face.”

“Yes, you will,” I said, vocalizing my wager that I was the only black person in the audience.

He blushed a bit as people often do when I point out this bit of obviousness. But how great is it that I stood out so. Otherwise, I’d be just another blonde or ruddy headed woman with a purse and he’d have to go through all kinds of mental notes to remember exactly which was I was. Or if there was another black person in the audience, surely he’d be confused if say that person stepped out to go to the bathroom while I went to my car. How would he tell us apart? But because I was the only one of me, I was granted free and easy passage to and from, however often I desired.

I left him with a smile and went to my car to retrieve my journaling tool.

When I returned, he was all smiles. “You were right!” he said and seemed surprised.

I was not.

You do not get to be an Oreo of this standing without knowing what kind of door your about to darken…and that you’re going to be the darkest thing on the other side of that door.

…Except for that sketch about the sociopathic sea urchin. That was was a pretty dark round of “Forward and Reverse.”

Are You Alone?

: Always Control Your Perimeter

As we have discussed, it is important to be the only person of color in the room at any given time or event. Having more than one of us around can lead to all sorts of miscommunication, embarrassing run-ins and tempt either of you to discuss common race-related issues that might trigger a long latent desire to read some Nikki Giovanni.

But sometimes a room is crowded, dark or split-level. So how do you both determine if there are any of colors in the vicinity and relax enough to proudly show off the pictures from Inverness on your iPhone?

Instead of prowling from corner to corner paper bag testing everyone you come into contact with, just look for a few key things to see if you are safe.

1. People never seem to quite finish the sentences: “So…you’re here with…..” or “You must be here to see…….” or “You must know Carol from……..”

2. You are at the Viper Room.

3. The DJ suddenly changes the music from relatively ambient Slowdive and Neutral Milk Machine and includes a random cameo like Baby Got Back. Then a dance circle forms around you. Don’t panic, after they see your first perfectly precise box step, they’ll get the idea.

4. People ask you oddly practical questions out of the blue like “Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?” “What time does are you closing tonight?” and “Can I give you my coat?”

5. You cannot quite find the words to describe your complete and utter sense of relaxation.

If these elements are in place, enjoy your party! And be sure to try the tapenade.

Holiday Party Survival Guide

It’s that time of year when despite your best efforts you may be forced to spend time with other of colors. This will likely happen at family gatherings, holiday charity donation drives or company events where the main office invites the warehouse and janitorial staff to attend.

A check of the guest list might encourage you to skip the peppermint-tinis and almond hummus bruschetta to avoid potentially dangerous run-ins. But keep these few rules in mind and you can schmooze safely.

1. Avoid Eye Contact. As you enter the room, perform a quick perimeter scan. At this point, do not lock eyes with anyone, simply discover and memorize the locations of your anti-targets. Keep them in your peripheral vision throughout the night, but only there. Even a slight look in the eyes of an of color may strike in the Oreo an uncomfortable familiarity. In that moment, you may see the parts of yourself that you have thankfully pushed aside to reach for a higher goal. And you don’t need anything that might lure you back to the dark side.

2. Remember: Their Vision is Based on Movement. There will be music at this party. For the most part, these songs will be timeless holiday classics like O Holy Night and White Christmas. However, the appearance of melanin will likely encourage the DJ to play something ethnic. You may be finishing the final 1-2-3 steps to Adeste Fidelis when Empire State of Mind begins hurting your ears.

Halt your box step immediately. If the others see you moving as this anthemic “tribute” to New York begins, they may get the wrong idea and assume that you’re going to join them popping and locking on the dancefloor.

Remember, just because “orchestrapop” contains the word “orchestra,” that does not mean that it is Oreo approved music.

3. Sound the Oreo Distress Call. You may do everything right on your mixed crowd evening and still have something go wrong. Whether it’s something as simple as getting stuck in the crepe line next to that guy from shipping and receiving or an of color taking it one step further and asking for the time, the location of the restroom or your number, you must remove yourself from this situation ASAP before your coworkers, that one white family member or the leaders of the friendly non-profit organization think you are nothing more than an RBP.

Chin up, Ziggy. It's not personal.

It’s time to sound the distress call. The distress call is simply a line of spoken dialogue that will draw fairer skinned people your conversation and push anyone else to a different gift exchange. Use one of the following if you need to escape quickly:

God, the Redwings were amazing last night.
I wish I knew where I put my Young Republicans pin.
Call me crazy, but I really prefer the Thin White Duke to Ziggy Stardust.

Happy Holidays. Be safe, be smart, be assimilated. It’s a gift we all deserve.

Coconuts – Show Off Your Self Loathing With Sex Appeal

In addition to the homemade costumes discussed last week, check out this sexy illegal alien costume for our Coconuts. Nothing says that you’re disconnected to the issues affecting your race like a sexy, silvery sombrero.

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Oh, and just in case your self loathing eats away at your body the way it eats away at your soul, check out this costume, lovingly called “Anna Rexia.”

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Don’t Let Yourself be Out Oreo-ed

Oreos can be a competitive bunch. And I don’t just mean the melees that can occur during a properly costumed joust reenactment. Take for instance, my experience at a David Biale reading this week. It was a night of Jewish themed literature and comedy, produced and hosted by a friend of mine.

Now, I know that I’ve mentioned that it’s dangerous for Oreos to associate with other minorities. It’s true. When blacks and blacks or blacks and browns spend time together, it makes them look like they need each other’s company–they’re a stone’s throw away from being a gang.

But when your minority of choice can often pass for white, you’re golden. I mean look at this cov_mandel_mo_032108 guy. He was one of the opening acts. You’d be proud to bring him home to an Oreo Mom.

Also, bonus points goes to hanging with a group that whose culture has been lifted and trended appropriately. Who doesn’t remember the Kaballah Kraze. And pronouncing foods like “challah” is just enough to make the powers that be feel worldly, but safe.

So with a photo of my Sukkoth hut in hand, I took a seat in the front row, center.

The night alternated between comics and literati and each comic made mention of the “lone” black person in the room…a guy sitting about three rows away from me.

I was beyond frustrated. I did not take an unnecessary and unaffordable trip to J. Crew and strategically place myself in my seat to be passed over.

Now, perhaps, I was so convincing in my Oreo state, that I passed for one of them. Or perhaps, Other Oreo could be seen better from the stage. Whatever the reason for his getting my attention, it was game time!

You see, the first Oreo to be noticed will be considered by the crowd to be the real thing. By the time a second one of us is spotted, the novelty will have worn off and we’ll be relegated to being seen as just another black person.

So, I kicked my game into high gear and the fourth comic gave me the credit I deserved. He turned his attention to me and made light hearted jokes at my expense while the crowd laughed comfortably.

At the end of the night, Other Oreo introduced himself to me. A risky move. But one I appreciated as I knew he was congratulating me on a game well played.

What did I do to win my rightful attention? A combination of the steps listed below. Incorporate them into your next event and bask in the glow of the spotlight that will follow you around the room for the rest of the night.

1. Flip Your Hair. This one’s for the ladies. A simple shake of your (natch) freshly relaxed hair will waft the sweet smell of your mainstream shampoo and draw attention to your loose, catwalk ready waves. As discussed, silky hair is paramount to being an Oreo. Remind those in proximity that you have it.

2. Order an Old Fashioned. Have the hostess bring you a drink that is a) out of character and b) out of a movie that was made in a simpler time–like the 1950s. It’ll make everyone nostalgic. And they’ll appreciate you providing them with such warm memories.

3. Refer to the Michael Richards incident as “no big deal.” The event took place the Laugh Factory, the site of Michael Richards’ apparent breakdown where he called two hecklers of color the n-word…over and over again. I believe he event threatened to hang them. And they say comics are bitter and sad on the inside.

Chances are, something bad happened in the name of race at the actual location where you were or near where you were. During an intermission casually slip something into conversation like “I’m not saying Medgar Evers wasn’t important, I just wonder if he needs a wikipedia entry.”

This will let people know that you aren’t all that connected to your “people” and it lets them off the hook for wondering the same things.

4. Mention Your Celebrity Crush. Everyone has their one free Hollywood F. When a break in the entertainment comes, let it slip that your is Sarah Silverman, Laura Linney or Catherine Keener if you’re a guy and if you’re a girl, then mention Hugh Grant (hands off, though, he’s totally mine), Gordon Ramsay or Shia LaBeouf.

5. Ask for a mint to get rid of an offensive taste. But choose carefully. Make sure that pre-show, you enjoyed an amuse bouche of a quiche lorraine, eggs benedict or Belgian endive with duck and apricot salad.

Try those Hail Marys sees if your opponent doesn’t fold. Fight the good fight, comrades, victory can be yours!

Halloreoween Time

With Halloween just a few days away, it’s time for all good Oreos to decide what their costume will be. Here are some suggestions to make you a hit at your Halloween Party.

1999_sally_hemings Sexy Sally Hemings: For those of you not up on your slave rape history, Sally Hemmings was the alleged secret, passionate lover of President Thomas Jefferson. In truth, Jefferson told Hemings that he would free her children after she died if she agreed to subject herself to him for the rest of her life.

Good things the folks at USA didn’t put those icky details into the miniseries they dreamed up. That would have made everyone super uncomfortable. Sport some rags and liquid-latex-created whip marks for good measure and folks will enjoy that you can laugh at history’s little gaffes.

Plus, you can use costume shackles for some after party fun!

Sexy NASCAR fan. Show your support for the south with something taudry that toasts something that thousands of people enjoy. Some Daisy Dukes,blonde wig and stars and bars shirt should do it for the ladies. Gents, try some overalls, inexpensive beer and your Sons of Confederate Veterans card.

Sexy Whitcon. Any number of white icons are available for you to dress up as. Choose someone who evokes nothing but a feeling that they belong to the majority and you’ll be a hit. People will appreciate that you love Marilyn Monroe, The Queen Mum or any John Hughes character as much as they do.

This will cause them to look way past your melanin indulgence and talk to you about how great the 50s were, how fantastic England is or how much teen angst comes with being slightly privileged. You will be loved for allowing this emotional vetting to occur.

Any of these characters.

images So that people can tongue in cheek call you a spook, coon or Ace of Spades. They can truthfully say it’s all in good fun, and it’s all for a cause. C’mon, it’s just one night. You can take it.