For the last couple of months dozens and dozens of columnists, bloggers and sociologists have been reacting to the horrible, shocking news that black women are making it into their 30s WITHOUT BEING MARRIED!!!
These people have spent hundreds of column inches and hour and hours of readers’ time wondering how this travesty of gendering could possibly have happened. While it’s true that “people” aren’t getting married as much as “people” used to, it is especially upsetting that black ladies aren’t engaging in an institution that only has a 50% success rate.
When asked why this is the case, people have suggested that it boils down to one very inconvenient intersection of facts. Black women are unable to get married, they say because:
- Black men don’t want to marry black women, especially if they’re successful and not submissive. (read more about that here)
- Black men are unavailable to marry black women (Standford prof says so!)
- Other ethnicities don’t find black women attractive (Yup. Professional people let this get published)
The pundits have questioned what we can do about this crisis. And yes, they’ve called being single in your 30s crisis.” The same word that they use to describe the country’s unemployment situation, AIDS in Africa and Lindsay Lohan. In fact, that’s why I was made fun of for not dating a stranger and then ignored on television by a beloved celebrity asked to appear on a daytime talk show. (Read more about that here).
It stands to reason that people are very concerned about this. After all, we all know that marriage is the absolute best thing that can happen to a woman, so we must find out why women are avoiding such a blissful state of being. I mean, they could just settle after all. But the fact that they’re not implies that they’re acting on their own agency.
Soon they're gonna want jobs and birth control. Ugh!
Here is a list of 10 tons of dumb things women are actually enjoying doing instead of racing to the altar. If you see a woman doing any of the below, for the love of all that is holy, stop her immediately and put a ring on it!
- Getting advanced degrees (hard to plan a wedding and a dissertation at the same time)
- Catching up on their reading.
- Enjoying hobbies
- Relying on themselves for happiness instead of romance
- Dating in a measured and paced way
- Not living in 1954
- Learning another language
- Sleeping in
- Travelling
- Taking up Yoga
- Moving up the corporate ladder
- Working on a business plan
- Making amends with their families
- Getting out of debt
- Trying roller derby
- Considering taking a class in comedic burlesque
- Enjoying coming home to a quiet, still apartment
- Volunteering
- Learning to sew
- Making meaningful friendships
- Planning themed happy hours
- Attending comedy shows
- Considering season tickets to the LA Phil
- Practicing safe boundaries
- Getting involved in a local campaign
- Occupying Wall Street
- Wine Tasting
- Summering
- Relaxing
- Attending Evensong at their local Episcopal Parish
- Enjoying satisfying, yet casual relationships
- Trying out that new restaurant
- Taking on a couple extra projects at work
- Swapping out their spring clothes for fall
- Getting caught up with their lady doctor appointments
- Trying puppetry
- Hiking
- Finally signing up for piano lessons
- Remodeling the kitchen
- Doing something about that bald patch in the yard
- Working out which business contacts it’s necessary to get holiday gifts for and which ones can do with a card
- Setting some goals for 2012
- Wondering why that latest doomsday guy was given air time on NPR
- Being bummed that the David Sedaris reading in Irvine on 11/19 is sold out
- Canceling some magazine subscriptions
- Taking a bartending class
- Learning to play video games just to see what all the fuss is about
- Arguing about why Ides of March was really not that good
- Loving that new machine at the gym that makes you feel like you’re running in sand
- Helping some friends with their marketing plan
- Understanding that a piece of paper isn’t necessary for everyone to feel like they’re part of something special
- Making sure they don’t make the same mistakes their parents did
- Understanding the finer points of semi-colon use
- Trying vegetarianism
- Reaching some personal goals
- Debating whether to get an iPhone, Droid or just a plain non smart phone
- Practice dressage
- Not making their squish mitten look like a 12 year old’s by ripping all the hair off of it
- Making DIY cat box cleaners
- Catching up on the AFI Top 100 List
- Babysitting the kids of those who did procreate
- Taking architectural tours of local neighborhoods
- Getting another tattoo
- Learning how to make falafel
- Learning how to spell falafel
- Checking out that new whisky bar
- Heading up to a food truck festival
- Accepting that they just plain ol’ don’t like sushi
- Feeling self-confident
- Making up for lost time
- Not needlessly spending hundreds of dollars on Feb. 14
- Attending Comic Con
- Triathlons
- Having leftovers last 3-4 days instead of 1
- Mudruns
- Buying underwear that’s comfortable and maybe sexy, not the other way around
- Going to see Bring It On: The Musical against their better judgement
- Independent filmmaking
- Pooping without having to shut the bathroom door
- Enjoying the company of other people without the complication of worrying that they’re not good enough if they don’t have a romantic partner
- Did I already say making Quiche?
- Not dealing with someone else’s morning breath every day
- Getting up early because the world is lovely at 5:30 a.m.
- Getting too involved in comment arguments on facebook (Batman IS a superhero!!)
- Restoring leather goods
- Visiting vintage stores
- Trying a trip via train
- Finally ignoring the text from their handsome, but narcissistic ex
- Finishing that novel
- Starting another one
- Fucking relaxing
- Not spending $50,000 on a white dress and party
- Only having to coordinate one calendar
- Staying up to 2 a.m. reading Cracked.com
- Farting sometimes without wondering if it’s unsexy
- Accepting or declining invitations without having to call anyone else first
- Not wondering if the last text or lack thereof means anything
***
What other bullshit things are women doing instead of getting married. Let us know in the comments!
***
The Oreo Experience 
For all those men who say, “Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?” Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage! WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
You…are…made…of…AWESOME – 🙂
PS – It’s me, from Youtube…
Ah, let’s see ..I’ve always had flat feet, but after my frameshn year of college I had to have surgery on one of my feet. So now I have one flat foot and one not. I was born in Germany, but I am completely an American citizen.How’s that?
You had surgery on your foot
Would have made more sense if she had explained WHY men do not want to marry Black women. Black women have a well deserved reputation for being LOUD, obnoxious and for beating their kids. Just check out the CDC in Atlanta, GA to prove how Black families, ESPECIALLY those run by women, are a dangerous place for a kid to live.
So? Well the Black man has seen enough of this. No, not just seen enough he’s HAD ENOUGH! If his mom was a LOUD obnoxious, screaming beetch threatening him in public???
“WHUP YO ASS YO LIL BASTARD”
Well you think he’s gonna want even more of this down the road?
These same types of sociologists who invented the early plan to break up families (Gloria Steinem and her CIA mentor Cord Meyer the earliest of the crew of slime balls ruining the family) are now trying to ban the word “bossy”. Which is the perfectly applicable for a great deal of Black women.
Thanking their lucky stars they didn’t get married to “that” guy in their 20’s, and knowing they will find someone way better in their 30’s.
Oh, if it wasn’t for that pesky biological urge to pop out a sprog! Congratulations on becoming a 50-year-old woman with a teenaged son or daughter.
So what are you saying? Is that a problem?
Well, mum had me at 42, and yeah: it kinda sucked.
Love, love, LOVE this!
I’m assuming the majority of what’s on the list of “what black women are doing before marriage” are subjective and pertain to what you do on a daily basis. However, this article stating that black women aren’t married in their 30’s does not apply to you because you’re an oreo. There’s a difference.
Seeing as though you see yourself as a white girl trapped in a black girls body, why would this article hold any of your interest? Most of what’s on your list, black women don’t even do….unless they’re “cultured”. You’ll find very few that are.
Okay bye. xoxoxoxoxoxo 😉
Bueller… define “cultured”
For argument sake, I went through the list and thought of the most ghetto Black women I’ve known… the extreme 10% of my Bell Curve, and they actually are involved in 1/3 of the list. When I move away from that 10% the number of activities participated in moves up. Of course some things are impossible to be involved in since they are localized events for Ms. OE, but I know Black women who would never describe themselves as “cultured” who are involved in pretty much everything else.
As far as our Blog Hostess, if she is offended by someone getting paid to do research that demeans Black women again, that is not a race, gender. mixed/race-gender or “other” (always loved that category)specific issue. I don’t doubt that there are Asian men and White women who would also be insulted by this type of research. Besides, how much do you know about Oreo women to speak on what concerns them.
If you were trying to be funny… you weren’t. It happens. Sometimes my attempts at humor are insulting… or just not funny. Ironically, I am a Black man that loves Ferris Bueller (the movie, not the TV show), so we do have a commonality in our sense of humor… this just wasn’t one of those instances.
Wow, Bueller, wax smug much?
http://www.theroot.com/views/myth-busting-black-marriage-crisis
“The mainstream media’s analysis is divisive and defeatist. We’re slammed with panic-inducing statistics because fear sells. And we need to stop buying into it.”
African female diasporans, in order to gain acceptance in the general society, have ‘unconsciously’ assimilated into the dominant group(s) for hundreds of years and are (or appear to be) usually 5 to 10 years behind their ‘sisters’ from other continents.
An example: While European feminists are consciously realizing that they need that man’s wallet for a little more comfort and freedom, black women, who are clearly into the previous ‘freedom’ era of feminism, still crave that ‘I don’t need a man, I can do it all by myself, all men are pigs’ type of independence (i.e. free from men). Those that suffer the most are themselves and the kids.
MY GAWD you’ve got guts – I mean that – speaking truth(or a strong opinion) to an emotionally ruled subject like Feminism takes cojones, my friend.
That’s true. It’s an opinion. If it ain’t true than I guess I’ll have to stand firm and wait for that textual slap in the face. 😉
I would really like to say thank you very much for your work you have made in witnirg this piece of witnirg. I am hoping the same most reliable job by you in the future also.
Are you honestly comparing European feminists to all Black women in America? I don’t see the comparison at all. You seem to make the assumption that all European women are feminists. Is that correct? Also, when has feminism ever been about the “I don’t need a man mentality?” It never has. Please, don’t use words you don’t understand the definition of.
You also claim that European ‘feminists’ realize that they need a man’s wallet, obviously they do not all marry men just for the sake of money. Are you claiming that all women are golddiggers? You’re insane. I can’t let this stupidity go unchallenged.
Ah, yet another Black man who attacks Black women without a logical basis. Fortunately not all men are like you, not that I care- being that I’m lesbian. I’ll put in a good word for the men in my life who do not blame women for their troubles: thank you!
If you’re hot, it’s too bad you’re lesbian.
If you’re educated, it’s too bad that you’re ignorant.
Ignore the negative comments, Miss Oreo.
Just got back from a date. Smahe won’t be chaning her name anytime soon.
Just love your emails. It;s 10:20 on the East Coast,, gona try to go to bed early. The NYC Marathon is tomorrow, and I’m not runnig it, but I’m gonn support an old friend that is running it.
sorry for the missellings. Had to have three glasses of wine tonight.
“You seem to make the assumption that all European women are feminists.”
Reading comprehension fail. He *specifically* mentioned “European feminists”, implying that they were a subgroup of all European women.
“when has feminism ever been about the “I don’t need a man mentality?””
I believe at least at about the time of that very, very famous quote which you should already know if you are discussing the subject *at all*: “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”. Google it.
Ans as for “Are you claiming that all women are golddiggers? You’re insane. I can’t let this stupidity go unchallenged.”
By all means: bring out your facts and challenge it (which I note you have not actually done). I believe there are a stack of divorce statistics over here that you will need to refute, not to mention reams of quotes by thousands of women who had a candid moment.
OOH! I know one of YOUR favorites! Sleeping with someone else’s live in boyfriend for sport.
Miss Oreo (hate to call you that, but don’t know your name),
Just read your post (I do subscribe). I had a hard day and I needed a laugh. You made me laugh, you made me ponder the whole institution marriage, and you make me think.
I stumbled upon your website one night when I had insomnia. I’m so glad I did.
I’m sure you have a screenplay, short story, or even a novel in the works. I’m first in line.
I looooooooove this so much! Thank you.
I’m 35 and pursuing a degree for the first time. I started school at 30 and I’ll have my Master’s in the Spring of 2013. I’m also waiting for same-sex couples to have access to the legal benefits that married couples get before I get married to my partner of 5 years.
We’re both okay with the fact that as allies to same-sex couples that we may not ever get married.
I do a lot of the things on your list and I wouldn’t consider myself cultured. I don’t get why everyone assumes that we’re doing stuff to be accepted or to fit in with some sort of dominant demographic.
We have the desire to do things we enjoy, regardless of which culture the activities are associated with, just like anyone else. My ancestors didn’t march for me to have the same rights as everyone else for me to turn around and censor myself based on my gender or phenotype. It feels strange to need to point this out to people like Desmond…
And speaking of Desmond, I’ve seen plenty of cases where women were willing to forego thier desires and independence for a man only to be left broke, with a couple of kids and no prospects. Women and children are the most impoverished group in this country. No thanks. I am my own woman and it takes a real man to understand and appreciate this.
Instead of sitting around criticizing women for wanting equal rights, why don’t you do something to help those women and children get a fair chance at independence.
The question of the osorepsipn of women by men has generated little rational discussion. I must agree that organized religion has contributed to the problem more than it has help, and that the early church was quite egalitarian and that a combination of cultural influences and response to persecution mitigated that impulse, but did not quite destroy it. The emphasis on the holiness of virginity, for example, was scandalous to the pagans because it left men out of the equation and threatened the stability of the world order. In a word, celibacy was revolutionary, even subversive, in the first centuries (the Middle Ages were a different matter). And celibacy could still be revolutionary in our day for different reasons.There is much misguided opposition to the equality of women within the church, but there are also many misguided concepts of what equality of women and men would mean. The chief error of our time seems to be to try to make women like men rather than making both men and women like Christ. We have all taken our eyes off the goal; if we hadn’t, the question of the equality of women, of the roles for men and women, would never have existed. We should all have been aiming at the same thing.
I don’t like your sarcasm. I didn’t expect this to be a “let’s roll our eyes at my verbal irony” blog. You forget we are only just coming our of the generations where marriage was a sustainable practice of finance and security. Do you expect the older generation to a)NOT pass on their knowledge of the way the world worked for them and b)poof out of existence? This is obviously not some magical happening to come out of nowhere. The tides are slowly changing and it is not hard to understand why men may or may not feel intimidated by these shifts in gender roles and expectations or even relieved that social pressure has lessened for everyone to get married all together. Yet here you are doing your “OH LAWDY LOOK AT THIS” when it’s pretty much the general consensus that marriage isn’t a big deal anymore.
And from one of your links, it clearly points this out about black women and marriage: “This may be associated with the lack of black men accelerating at the same level and the -unwillingness of black women in higher wage groups to accept men with a lesser income or profession.-”
So, black women may simply just be pickier! Whoopty do! As another one of your links says:
“It’s really getting old,” she said. “I think by focusing so much on the negative, you’re missing out on the positive, and the positive is that at any given time, you can decide for yourself not to be a ‘statistic’.
This isn’t “pressure”, it’s statistics. I don’t even know why you posted this blog.
I don\’t like olives eihetr, woohoo! But I don\’t like sushi eihetr. I\’ve tried, I promise.On my right hand, my middle finger is the same length as my ring finger. So my index finger is the longest finger on that hand. It\’s odd.
Have you considered that just maybe the black man is polygamous by nature and getting married = promising what they know they can’t deliver? Men from other cultures seem content with having one woman at a time, sometimes even staying single for life. How many black men do you know choose to remain single for life?
(I am a black man)
People cheat all the time, from all cultures… I don’t think I want to think of all black men being polygamous. I know a few that are good men and like being in a monogamous relationship… Call me crazy but isn’t pointing out personal experiences just separating the different races even more? Plenty of white men can’t stay loyal, either… Just sayin’.
Anything unnatural is bound to become vestigial. I wonder what is the next practice that will bring men and women together. If there is none, are men and women going to eventually live separately and only get together to procreate? As your list reflects, education is the leading wedge between men and women today and with education comes more informed attitudes, point of views, and enriched tastes, all qualities that never had a place in marriage for women. If we consider that close to 70 percent of university graduates are women, it’s safe to reason that the situation is only going to get increasingly unfavorable for the efforts of getting men and women together.
“Attending evensong at your local Episcopal parish?” Thanks for the commercial. We just started a vespers at our local Episcopal parish. It would be nice to see another black woman at that liturgy. So far there is only one and that’s me…the vicar.
There is absolutely ZERO benefit for a man, black or otherwise to getting married in this day and age.
What I like witnessing is the sheer amount of women I knew growing up who are discovering, to their horror, upon reaching their mid 30s that the promised knight in shining armour is not there to marry her.
I know more childless spinsters than I can count. No one wants to marry a used up 37 year old woman who’s slept with tonnes of men. At 37, your sexual market value is effectively zero.
Given a choice, I would take a younger woman to father my children as I wouldn’t want to risk fathering one with a woman pushing 40 – way too risky.
That said, guys in their mid 30’s tend to date younger women. I’m 40 and I’m dating a 26 year old girl. So why would I trade that in on an expired model?
Well, hopefully men are choosing to get married not because of some “benefit” but because they love someone and want to build a life, bond and/or family with them.
I don’t know any women who are horrified that they’re single in their 30s. Frankly, it’s kind of a fun place to be.
So, 37 means you’re hideous if you’re a woman, huh? Guess that means that women like Jennifer Aniston, Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, Sanda Bullock, Cate Blanchet, Jennifer Connelley, Diane Lane and Helen Mirren are just horrid disgusting examples of humanity.
Also, not every 37 year old has “slept with tonnes of men.” And even if she has, who cares? Women aren’t supposed to appreciate or exercise their sexualities?
PS…men of a certain age are just as infertile as women. Science says so! http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/age-raises-infertility-risk-in-men-too
I don’t know you or your girlfriend, and I truly hope that you guys have a good thing going. But if you think that women in their 30s are gross, who’s to say that these young women won’t start to think that men out of their 30s are just as unsightly as you think women are.
@ nugganu: I had to read your comment a couple times to make sure we weren’t talking about animals here lol …and you should know that phrases like “all”, “every”, “absolutely ZERO” are like toilet handles that flush away any argument…
@OE:
“it’s kind of a fun place to be.” – Is the “place” you’re referring to, the thirties age range or single life?
I don’t agree with nugganu, but don’t you think that naming female celebrities actually supports his point? I mean, Hollywood is known to slap expiration dates on women. I remember watching the documentary, “Searching for Debra Winger”, and that was a point raised by all the actresses interviewed.
“…who’s to say that these young women won’t start to think that men out of their 30s are just as unsightly as you think women are.” – Yes, but, isn’t also true that women, regardless of age, care more about a man’s brain power and social status than his looks, and that women are generally more attracted to older men?
I really can’t see Helen Mirren or Diane Lane carrying babies to term at their age, so I think nugganu has a point there. For some men, the point of marriage is to create families. You can’t really do that with a post-menopausal woman. Women in their late 30’s are pushing it…
@nugganu I am aware that your generation is used to the idea of taking young women for their virility. That being said, do you simply dislike the idea of an indepenent, mature woman ten years your junior rather than almost 20 years your junior? Do you want women to turn your view of gender relations around and look at -you- as if you are an out of date model who has used and thrown away women?
“That being said, do you simply dislike the idea of an indepenent, mature woman ten years your junior rather than almost 20 years your junior?”
I believe the issue is not the age difference, but the age as such. If a person doesn’t like broccoli, you can’t really shame him into liking it, which is what you are trying to do here.
I thought I was the only black female up at 2am reading cracked.com!! That blog really is brilliant. We should start a facebook group…ijs…
Haha, totally! Cracked is amazing!
@Paul Murray: While attraction is clearly subjective, nug was clearly implying that older women are inferior to younger women. Im not guilting anyone, I just think he should take a long hard pause to think about the -real- reasons behind his attraction to younger women and his assumption that younger women are better.
“nug was clearly implying that older women are inferior to younger women”
Hmm, what did he actually say:
“I would take a younger woman to father my children as I wouldn’t want to risk fathering one with a woman pushing 40 – way too risky.”
Well – you have to admit, he has a point there if he’s simply talking about infertility and wanting kids. He didn’t really expand on what “risks” he was talking about, so we just have to fill in the lacunae with what we imagine he might have meant.
As for your claim that you are “not trying to guilt anyone”, that’s transparently false: the sly insinuations that he specifically wants a dependent, immature woman, that his stated reasons for wanting this are false, that he has “used and thrown away” women. No-one is buying it, girl. Of *course* you are trying to guilt him! If I were to do the same, I would say something like “Laura, do you know any other way to disagree or discuss a topic with someone other than this passive-aggressive bullshit and concern trolling that doesn’t fool anyone?”
See how obvious it is?
Let’s dispense with the political correctness. If a man is looking to start a family, it makes perfect biological sense to want a woman in her early 20’s. It may not sound “nice” to the mature, single woman, but a woman of 40 is not as valuable to a man who wants to father a child.
Hi my name is Pharaoh, and I am very interested in getting to know you better because I like your style. Email me back, now!
I might be inclined to agree with you if there weren’t children involved in this equation. If women are not looking to get married, that’s fine, but many of these women who are single and free are also mothers. That means that a disproportionate number of black children are growing up without both parents. It’s not healthy for kids for their parents to not be married. AND most of the things on your list can be done WITH a husband, as I can attest.
Marriage is not for everyone, but if you don’t want it, don’t be selfish and bring children into the mix. Just remain single and childless…
This is a topic that is close to my heart… Cheers!
Where are your contact details though?
Ooh yeah you forgot one thing off of that long list of yours… Having babies! That’s right black women are not getting married as much, but they sure are having babies! As a matter of fact 70% of black babies are born out of wedlock. But nothing is wrong with that either huh?
You really hit hit the spot there with a good write-up with a bit of fantastic information and facts
Women like you are just wet holes for my sausage. I wouldn’t marry you for a million dollars even with no fault divorce. I’m glad you’re happy about it too as it makes things easier.
I’d bet your “sausage” has never been near a “hole” of any kind save the one you fashion from your sweaty ass palm. Does your mommy know you’re leaving idiotic comments demonstrative of the poor genetic marerial you’ve inherited from your just barely human ancestors? I dont think she or your father (though he probably is/was a knuckle dragger like yourself) would be so pleased to see their sub-human shame on display. That fact that women don’t want you is your fault not theirs always remember that, I’m sure it’s easy when you look in the mirror. One more question, what was wrong with your m
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I haven seen my wife in over 3yrs.. but we talk everyday and sleep on the phone every nite.. her thing is we need to move back in with each other to make this work again .. my wife have been looking for place for us for over 3yrs. Nothing good enough. . We use to live in a 6 bedroom house before she left… figure that out…
Black women in large part are very difficult to be around.
But black women are always in drones 50 of them crying to me saying that they all want husbands and no matter if they leave their race or not they still can’t find any.
That marrying at 55 is a lie a lot of 55 yr black women tell me they can’t find spouses either.
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Nice Article.
That list of activities…is a list of things only WHITE women do.