For the last couple of months dozens and dozens of columnists, bloggers and sociologists have been reacting to the horrible, shocking news that black women are making it into their 30s WITHOUT BEING MARRIED!!!
These people have spent hundreds of column inches and hour and hours of readers’ time wondering how this travesty of gendering could possibly have happened. While it’s true that “people” aren’t getting married as much as “people” used to, it is especially upsetting that black ladies aren’t engaging in an institution that only has a 50% success rate.
When asked why this is the case, people have suggested that it boils down to one very inconvenient intersection of facts. Black women are unable to get married, they say because:
- Black men don’t want to marry black women, especially if they’re successful and not submissive. (read more about that here)
- Black men are unavailable to marry black women (Standford prof says so!)
- Other ethnicities don’t find black women attractive (Yup. Professional people let this get published)
The pundits have questioned what we can do about this crisis. And yes, they’ve called being single in your 30s crisis.” The same word that they use to describe the country’s unemployment situation, AIDS in Africa and Lindsay Lohan. In fact, that’s why I was made fun of for not dating a stranger and then ignored on television by a beloved celebrity asked to appear on a daytime talk show. (Read more about that here).
It stands to reason that people are very concerned about this. After all, we all know that marriage is the absolute best thing that can happen to a woman, so we must find out why women are avoiding such a blissful state of being. I mean, they could just settle after all. But the fact that they’re not implies that they’re acting on their own agency.
Soon they're gonna want jobs and birth control. Ugh!
Here is a list of 10 tons of dumb things women are actually enjoying doing instead of racing to the altar. If you see a woman doing any of the below, for the love of all that is holy, stop her immediately and put a ring on it!
- Getting advanced degrees (hard to plan a wedding and a dissertation at the same time)
- Catching up on their reading.
- Enjoying hobbies
- Relying on themselves for happiness instead of romance
- Dating in a measured and paced way
- Not living in 1954
- Learning another language
- Sleeping in
- Travelling
- Taking up Yoga
- Moving up the corporate ladder
- Working on a business plan
- Making amends with their families
- Getting out of debt
- Trying roller derby
- Considering taking a class in comedic burlesque
- Enjoying coming home to a quiet, still apartment
- Volunteering
- Learning to sew
- Making meaningful friendships
- Planning themed happy hours
- Attending comedy shows
- Considering season tickets to the LA Phil
- Practicing safe boundaries
- Getting involved in a local campaign
- Occupying Wall Street
- Wine Tasting
- Summering
- Relaxing
- Attending Evensong at their local Episcopal Parish
- Enjoying satisfying, yet casual relationships
- Trying out that new restaurant
- Taking on a couple extra projects at work
- Swapping out their spring clothes for fall
- Getting caught up with their lady doctor appointments
- Trying puppetry
- Hiking
- Finally signing up for piano lessons
- Remodeling the kitchen
- Doing something about that bald patch in the yard
- Working out which business contacts it’s necessary to get holiday gifts for and which ones can do with a card
- Setting some goals for 2012
- Wondering why that latest doomsday guy was given air time on NPR
- Being bummed that the David Sedaris reading in Irvine on 11/19 is sold out
- Canceling some magazine subscriptions
- Taking a bartending class
- Learning to play video games just to see what all the fuss is about
- Arguing about why Ides of March was really not that good
- Loving that new machine at the gym that makes you feel like you’re running in sand
- Helping some friends with their marketing plan
- Understanding that a piece of paper isn’t necessary for everyone to feel like they’re part of something special
- Making sure they don’t make the same mistakes their parents did
- Understanding the finer points of semi-colon use
- Trying vegetarianism
- Reaching some personal goals
- Debating whether to get an iPhone, Droid or just a plain non smart phone
- Practice dressage
- Not making their squish mitten look like a 12 year old’s by ripping all the hair off of it
- Making DIY cat box cleaners
- Catching up on the AFI Top 100 List
- Babysitting the kids of those who did procreate
- Taking architectural tours of local neighborhoods
- Getting another tattoo
- Learning how to make falafel
- Learning how to spell falafel
- Checking out that new whisky bar
- Heading up to a food truck festival
- Accepting that they just plain ol’ don’t like sushi
- Feeling self-confident
- Making up for lost time
- Not needlessly spending hundreds of dollars on Feb. 14
- Attending Comic Con
- Triathlons
- Having leftovers last 3-4 days instead of 1
- Mudruns
- Buying underwear that’s comfortable and maybe sexy, not the other way around
- Going to see Bring It On: The Musical against their better judgement
- Independent filmmaking
- Pooping without having to shut the bathroom door
- Enjoying the company of other people without the complication of worrying that they’re not good enough if they don’t have a romantic partner
- Did I already say making Quiche?
- Not dealing with someone else’s morning breath every day
- Getting up early because the world is lovely at 5:30 a.m.
- Getting too involved in comment arguments on facebook (Batman IS a superhero!!)
- Restoring leather goods
- Visiting vintage stores
- Trying a trip via train
- Finally ignoring the text from their handsome, but narcissistic ex
- Finishing that novel
- Starting another one
- Fucking relaxing
- Not spending $50,000 on a white dress and party
- Only having to coordinate one calendar
- Staying up to 2 a.m. reading Cracked.com
- Farting sometimes without wondering if it’s unsexy
- Accepting or declining invitations without having to call anyone else first
- Not wondering if the last text or lack thereof means anything
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What other bullshit things are women doing instead of getting married. Let us know in the comments!
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The Oreo Experience 