Looking For a New Name

It’s been called to my attention that some people find the phrase “RBP” (that’s ‘regular black people’ for anyone new to the blog) offensive. Ironically, many of the RBP who find RBP offensive don’t mind using the n-word in casual conversation.

But anyhoo.

Just like affirmative action and Title IX, I’m of the equal opportunity ilk and I’d like to find a phrase that carries the same punch, but stings less. I’ve listed some suggestions below. Please vote on them to let me know what works.

What do you think? Any other suggestions to add?

You can also share your opinion with other polls!

Other names for the Oreo

Government programs and their level of socialism

Saving Face When You’re Face to Face

Remember: When in doubt, don't go out!

Sometimes, even when an Oreo takes the best of precautions, she or he may find themselves at an event in close proximity of another person of color.  Such was the case last Friday.

I went to see a friend’s improv show.  Black folks generally do not congregate at independent 30-seat theaters to watch silly make-em-ups, so I thought I was safe.

Until I saw the doorman. Black guy.

Le sigh.

He was nice enough, we had a pleasant conversation and I went in to watch my show.

Afterwards, the theater owner approached me and said that he saw me talking to the guy at the door.

“You two’d make a cute couple,” he said. “Too bad he doesn’t date black girls.”

My face lit up!

“Ha! And I don’t date black guys!”

My new Oreo friend overheard me and we had a great conversation about traditional Italian cuisine, Vespas and lucid dreaming.

And it reminded me that yeah, sometimes as an Oreo, you’re gonna end up in conversation in public with someone who looks like they could be related to you. People will assume this is the case or they will assume that you’re more interested in each other than in the freckled, ruddy headed kids next to you. So you must take precautions; and through your manners and conversation remind those around you that you are not RBP, but in fact, Oreos.

How? Easy!

1. Stand outside. If one of you is a woman, definitely take your conversation outside if you can. This will allow the wind to blow through your freshly relaxed hair. Natural styles and dreads do not billow in the wind. Showing off your chemically treated locks will show that you are not an RBP.

2. Strategically drop a business card. When the passerby who picks it up sees a title like “Executive Chef,” “Lead Architect,” or “Cranio-Maxillofacial Surgeon,” she or he can relax, knowing that they are in the presence of well-marketed Oreos.

3. Sing a little. First of all, everyone loves musicals, even if they say they don’t. So whether you break out some of Sondheim’s Company or Abba’s Mamma Mia, your non-soulful ditty will have everyone joining in and understanding who you really are!

For more on watching your back in public, see how to Go Solo; Why even a non-color can pose a threat; and why it’s important for other Oreos to follow the rules.

Make Patrick proud…or he’ll hack to you bits on a sheet of plastic. The upside? You’ll be listening to Huey Lewis–so sing along and maybe he’ll spare ya.

The Minority Report – 2012

The End is Near...for type casting??

Welcome to The Minority Report – a super quick movie review…about movies that may or may not have come out recently.

2012

(I know, I know, but I LOVE terrible disaster movies–Twister, The Core – I heart you!)

So, back to 2012–WTF?? Black president AND a black super scientist who’s in charge of saving the world and the white family is the one that’s all messed up, dysfunctional with the quippy sassy lines?? Roland, what were you thnking?

If it wasn’t a wonderfully terrible disaster movie, I’d have to take this off the Oreo-approved list. Though, the galacially slow pacing for the first 45 minutes with the totally-rammed-in-there character beats might take it off the list anyway.

But how can you hate a movie where the continents roll around the globe like they’re on a SlipNSlide??

But be careful, Roland. The casting shows a healthy respect for folks of color. And that shot of Africa being the center of the world (again)? If that catches on, everyone will want to be an Oreo, and that will make me, by default an RBP.

You’re treading on thin ice. Thin, made-that-way-by-global-warming-and-Mayan-prophecy ice.

So Close to a Creamy

The votes are in an it’s a swing and a miss for Lorenzo Dow Turner, the first prominent African American linguist. Kudos to him for earning a

A Harvard degree, straightened hair and if he weren't in sepia tone, the ability to pass the paper bag test?? So close to a top tier Oreo!

Master’s Degree from Harvard and  PhD from The Unviersity of Chicago–in around 1915, when people thought even worse things about of colors.

But a big Oreo boo to him for taking those Oreo-tastic accolades and then using his academic acumen to study… black people!

Called “the father of Gullah stories,” Turner spent his years visiting the U.S.’s Sea Islands off the coast of South Carolina, Georgia and Florida and learning how the linguistically isolated black folk there talked to each other.

A museum exhibit in DC is currently showcasing Turner’s work.

They called a small bird “bidi.” They called a white man “buckra.” They said “dash away” to get rid of a bad habit. And used “de” instead of “to be.” They used “e” as a pronoun for “he,” “she” and “it.” They said “eh” for “yes.” And “fanner” was a basket used to thresh rice. They said “hudu” was something that brought bad luck. And whispered sweetly “nyam” while encouraging a child to eat.

Is there something kind of pretty and lyrical and poetic about these words? Sure. But how typical! I’ve squelched my love for poets Langston Hughes  Nikki Giovanni for years just so I don’t look so…RBPis. It’s booooring when a black person says they’re into some other black person. But you get this totally cool look from folks when you tell someone that you heart Bukowski and Ondaatje.

A misogynist and a misanthrope, yum!!

(And seriously, The Cinnamon Peeler by Michael Ondaatje–mostbeautifulpoemofalltime–read it, it’s beautiful!!)

What’s on your beach/regatta reading list for this summer?

Going Solo

Just because they put it on doesn't mean you have to move to it.

As we have discussed, it is important to be the only person of color in the room at any given time or event. Having more than one of us around can lead to all sorts of miscommunication, embarrassing run-ins and tempt either of you to discuss common race-related issues that might trigger a long latent desire to read some Nikki Giovanni.

But sometimes a room is crowded, dark or split-level. So how do you both determine if there are any of colors in the vicinity and relax enough to proudly show off the pictures from Inverness on your iPhone?

Instead of prowling from corner to corner paper bag testing everyone you come into contact with, just look for a few key things to see if you are safe.

  • 1. Other guests never seem to quite finish the sentences: “So…you’re here with…..” or “You must be here to see…….” or “You must know Carol from……..”
  • 2. You are at the Viper Room.
  • 3. The DJ suddenly changes the music from relatively ambient Slowdive and Neutral Milk Hotel and includes a random cameo like Baby Got Back. Then a dance circle forms around you. Don’t panic, after they see your first perfectly precise box step, they’ll get the idea.
  • 4. People ask you oddly practical questions out of the blue like “Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?” “What time does are you closing tonight?” and “Can I give you my coat?”
  • 5. You cannot quite find the words to describe your complete and utter sense of relaxation.

First Kanye, Now Essence? More Options for the Oreo!

Take one magazine for black women, add one white fashion editor…ta daa! A new publication for Oreos to love and a media crapstorm!

For those of you who don’t read Essence–and my guess is that if you read this blog, you don’t read Essence–the magazine was once a highly political pub aimed at empowering black women. It’s become more of a fluffy lifestyle piece over the years, but the main goal is still the same: Reach out to RBP women, make them feel good, have them buy cosmetics.

As such, most of the top tier staff at Essence has been black.

Thankfully, that’s changed.

The magazine just hired the decidedly not-black Placas and many RBP are pissed.

But here’s the thing. It’s all kinds of awkward to go into someone’s home and see a magazine that touts ethnic identity as being a worthwhile pursuit. So now that Essence has a better chance of looking like any other fashion magazine, we can all relax. I mean, look how great this cover of Vanity Fair looked. Nevermind that Gabourey Sidibe was a total breakout star, she would have totally fucked up this magazine cover about young breakout stars in Hollywood.

Why put a black woman in a position of creative power at a magazine aimed at a black women when she might bring some icky, uncomfortable verisimilitude to said magazine. A black fashion director for example, would probably never let this romantic, antebellum-themed ad make it into her magazine’s pages and look how cute it is!

The touch, the feel of cotton

I’m sure that her experience in the fashion world makes her more than super qualified to be a magazine’s fashion director. And her experience not being black makes her a great choice to take a magazine that sometimes does the “wahwahI’mblack” into the modern day and have even more people picking up and running with the Oreo flag.

So congrats on the new gig, Ellana! Play your cards right and this Oreo will add a new subscription to keep her Harper’s and Horse and Hound company!

Other reasons the media is an Oreo’s friend: If you’re pretty and brown, you might be a terrorist, RBP in the movies can’t be wizards or go on dates, and is Tyler Perry, a sworn Oreo enemy actually an Oreo in disguise?

What do you think of the Essence sitch? Does it matter that a not-black person is directing a black fashion magazine? Are historical issues over and done with enough that fashion is an equal-opportunity self-loathing machine (even white girls have a hard time shedding as many curves as it takes to be  a supermodel, I’m guessing). Are specialty magazines passe, out of vogue?

The Black-and-Whites chasing a Black and White

Thanks to the folks at Sociological Images for posting a great story that made all my little Oreo hair stand up in their chemically relaxed folicles.

You can read the whole story here. But here’s the gist.

Two 7-year-old boys took their family’s cars without permission and led police on a chase. One kid is white. The other is an RBP. The videos below show how differently these kids were treated by the media.

The white boy, Preston, is interviewed with his family on the set of the Today show.  Knowing his kid is safe, his Dad describes the event as “funny” and tells the audience that if this could happen to a “cotton candy all-American kid like Preston,” then “it could happen to anybody.”

This story contrasts dramatically to the CNN story about Latarian Milton, a black 7-year-old who took his family’s car on a joy ride.  I’ll put the video first, but be forewarned, it’s disturbing not only because of the different frame placed on the boys actions, but because of the boy’s embracing of the spoiled identity:

With an absolutely polar introduction of “Not your typical 7-year-old,” this story is filmed on the street. Whereas the Today show screened the chase footage in real time, this one is sped up, making it seem even more extreme.

The non-color kid got a fluff piece on The Today Show and everyone laughed at his little mistake. The police held no grudge and everyone’s fine in the end.

The police who dealt with the RBP kid said that they do “want to get him into the system.”

Obviously, I was upset.

Had this kid just put on an Oreo game face, he could have totally booked the Today show! Imagine how much more fun his story would have been if he had worn a collard shirt and not used the word “hoodrat” or been named “Latarian.”

*OreoWriter rushes off to begin Oreo outreach program*

Interestingly enough, CNN did Oreos a favor by showing us that kids still prefer white dolls/kids to black ones…and then I suppose, the story on the car thief was the answer as to why they do.

Roots

First, let me say that as a good Oreo, I’ve only seen enough of Roots to know I don’t want to see the rest. Slavery, your name is Toby, wahwahbad, I get it.

But this weekend, after a family get together in Vegas, I discovered some interesting tidbits about my roots (other than the fact that I do need another relaxer soon). I learned that I am the niece of a Republican, of the inventor of a computer system that helps guide the F16 and of a champion cross country skier.

Clearly, I come by my Oreodom honestly.

Unfortunately, I did also find out that I am the granddaughter of a session musician for Duke Ellington and that one of my great uncles was a Tuskegee Airman. Two way ethnic occupations. Eh, we can’t all have perfect pedigrees. I’ll just make sure I frame the skier’s photos more prominently.

This is my great Uncle Lt. Andrew D. Marshall (the ethnic one). This picture is in the Smithsonian and was taken after he was shot down over Greece. Even though 'Tuskegee Airman' just screams ethnic...it's still pretty cool.

What fun stuff is hanging from your family tree?

What Chili Wants – To Hurt Me, Apparently

How dare VH1 do this to me?

Oh, Chili, what did I ever do to you?

The network announced a new reality show called “What Chili Wants” featuring Rozonda Thomas, aka, Chilli from TLC. But unlike the network’s usual minstrel show black-themed reality show, Flava of Love, this show will feature Thomas doing not-skeezy/disgusting things and instead, leading a healthy, balanced life.

The cable network synonymous with “Flavor of Love” and its sleazy spin-offs is trading trampiness for fabulousness with a new slate of series starring seemingly well-adjusted rich and famous black Americans. VH1 executive vice president Jeff Olde admits that the shift from oh-no-they-didn’t fare to more mature material is totally intentional.

“We constantly have to evolve and tell our audience different stories,” he says. “I love that we’ve been able to get more diverse with our audience by — in large part — attracting African-American women to the network. We got them in the door with some shows, and now I’m excited about where we’re going and how we’re telling them different kinds of stories.”

For the notoriously trashy VH1, it’s not reality as usual. While cat fights will flare up with the “Basketball Wives” and Chilli promises a tiff with her sassy matchmaker on “What Chilli Wants,” these new shows certainly aren’t selling buzzworthy moments akin to “Flavor of Love” contestants spiting on each other or suddenly defecating on the floor.

Because who doesn’t want to see adults shitting on travertine?

Olde dismisses any past criticisms of “Flavor of Love” and its offspring, mostly produced by 51 Minds Entertainment, by calling the franchise ignited by black rapper Flavor Flav and his multiracial harem “big fun romantic comedies.” (Olde confirms that “I Love Money 3,” featuring murder suspect and suicide victim Ryan Jenkins, as well as the Jenkins-free “I Love Money 4” won’t air.)

Big, fun, romantic comedies? Hmm, I didn’t think that ILM was much like Love, Actually. But maybe I was wrong.

“The new VH1 shows offer a different take on the black reality TV star,” says Imani Perry, a professor at Princeton University’s Center for African American Studies. “These are images of wealthy black families. These shows may potentially be less stereotypic because they present a different, higher status black image.”

And that’s where it gets dicey for Oreos.

Let's face it. I need you, Flav.

Being an Oreo requires constant reminders of what’s wrong with being an RBP. How am I supposed to curse the image in the mirror if major networks stop their usual fare and start showing dreck like Chili’s show?

Also, am I wrong in using context clues to assume that in his first quote, Jeff Olde asserts that VH1 attracted the new viewers of color he mentions with shows like Flava? Is he saying that there’s really no way to get the attention of RBP apart from a 3+ season long parade of important ethnic archetypes like New York having her toes sucked by a thug. I think so. And that’s why I’m an Oreo.

But there is a silver lining:

Bill Graff, an analyst for cable media analysis firm CableU, says the strategy isn’t a surefire winner. While the new shows are targeted to an underserved audience, they require more of an investment from viewers, especially if they don’t care about the personal lives of such B-list celebrities as Chilli and Brandy, or any of those “Basketball Wives.”

“It’s a little bit more of a leap for VH1 viewers than ‘Flavor of Love,’ ‘Rock of Love’ and the other shows,” says Graff. “Anyone who watches VH1 definitely knows and is entertained by Flavor Flav and New York. Anyone who is familiar with hip-hop from the past 25 years knows Pepa from Salt-N-Pepa, but they may not necessarily care about her love life.”

So, the slightly Oreo version of the black reality star might not work? Perfect. Because I have invested a lot of time in my self loathing and I’d hate to see it dashed by changing norms.

The Minority Report on Inception

Nope, none in here, either.

Welcome to The Minority Report – a super quick movie review.

Inception.

There are no black people in dreams. Or London.

There are black people in African markets. They all wear traditional clothes and yell at you funny when you barge into their cafe, bringing a horde of gunmen  after you.

Indians are smart and just a little bit hapless.

White people are by turns: troubled  leaders, smart and concerned, smart and kind, beautiful and compelling, stately professors, heirs, very nearly magical, misunderstood fathers.

Ken Wantanabe looks like the 6 Flags guy in his old makeup.