December brings a lot of opportunities to celebrate. But as an Oreo, you have to make sure to pick the
white right one. Choose correctly, and people will ignore your ethnicity for another month or so. Choose poorly and you might as well have your face melt off like you drank from the faux cup of Christ.
Here is a quick Oreo holiday guide. Feel free to take the advice and also leave your own!
Sinterklaas Day – We just missed the actual day of celebration, but that doesn’t mean you can’t catch up this weekend. All you have to do, is get in touch with your Dutch roots and put on some blackface while you pretend to be one of St. Nick’s helpers, the Swaartepieten, and leave gifts in shoes on the doorsteps of your friends and neighbors.
Hanukkah – Replete with rules and song in minor keys, Hanukkah is a great choice for an Oreo. True, there are more black Jews than people think (not just half-looking at you SDJ), but that’s the beauty of it. No one knows! So grab your dreidel and always bet on Gimmel.
Solstice – Nothing like worshiping the sun to show that you’re not afraid of what it can do to your skin. (but really, the sun is dangerous, make sure you’re well-oiled before you get even tanner!!). Plus, when people think of Solstice, they think of Athenians and Wiccans and they rarely think about the browns. Bleaching by association!
Christmas – Totally fine to celebrate Christmas, but don’t be swayed by the diversity now seen among Santa standees and manger scenes. Sure a dark-skinned Jesus makes more sense than BlueEyes McPaleChrist and Santa isn’t real anyway, so what does it matter what he looks like. But c’mon. This is Christmas–a time to hope and dream for the best. And the best is not brown.
Also, keep Christmas dinner to old school fare – figgy pudding, spotted dick, ladies in bonnets, deference to the Queen. We all dream of a White Christmas after all.
Boxing Day – This is a perfect holiday for anyone to celebrate, frankly! You don’t really have to do anything, but it sounds so adorable and Anglo to say!
Kwanzaa – Really? Really?! Don’t even joke about that. We’re just going to pretend that it never crossed your mind. Just walk away slowly before you embarrass yourself any further.