black movies

4 Ways to Grow Your Blanchetourage

The kids get it, too!

Requiste for every Oreo is the appropriate blanchetourage. This friendly group of white people who accompany the Oreo will provide just the right number of naive questions, quiche recipes and invitations to country clubs to keep the Oreo away from other of colors and caught up on the self loathing.

But in this crazy world, making friends can be hard. So how does one grow one’s blanchetourage? Well, it goes a little something like this:

1. Look the part. Make sure that you have shed as many trappings of your ethnicity as possible. This means straightened hair, short, natural fingernails and a booty-minimizing Spanx. If you hang on to an ethnic look, potential blanchetourage members may not know that you’re not an RBP and thus safe to approach.

No.

2. Pick Up a Little From Pick Up Artists. As any guy two beers into his sex quest for the night knows, first impressions are key. You have about two seconds to make your mark think you’re worth talking to. The same goes for your blanchetourage. Just like the wrong pick up line can send a girl running into the arms of the not-so-nice-but-way-more-suave-a-hole on the other side of the bar, saying the wrong thing to a non-color at first blush can stop your blanchetourage quest in its tracks. Here are some lines you may want to use when staring a convo.

  • “Didn’t I meet you at that Neil LaBute tribute showcase last week?”
  • “I’m sorry, I think that’s my dram of Ardberg.”
  • “Gorgeous corset! I would kill for boning like that.”
  • “Pardon my limp. I broke in a new dressage pony this weekend.”
  • “Damn this sunburn!”

3. Arrange a follow-up meeting at the appropriate place. Once you’ve made your connection, you have to solidify it. Do this by setting up a meetup at an Oreo-approved location like your stable, the beach club, the performance bicycle center, a free-diving convention or Bath, England.

4. Show them the goods. Welcome them to the fold with an introduction to the rest of your blanchetourage. Since you can’t rid yourself of every ethnic trait (I’m looking at you, skin color!) they may still always wonder just a little when your hidden RBP (that’s “Regular Black Person” for you newbies!) is going to break loose. By surrounded them with more of them, you’ll help them feel right at home.

What do you think? Cuz seriously, making new friends can be hard. How do you do it? Do you tend to have a big entourage (blanche or otherwise) or just a few close besties. Let us know in the comments!

****

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)

Trailer Talk

It's "Black Swan"...not Blaaaack Swizan

Nothing makes me want to shed my ethnicity like going to the movies. Soooooo jealous of all the fun white people get to have. At the same time, however, it lets me know that be loathing the skin I’m in, I’m on the right track. I mean, I saw the trailer for For Colored Girls. Yikes! Being a Regular Black Person (RBP for the newbies) looks really hard and sad and scary and seems to make you way more likely to cut a bitch.

And I don’t want to cut any bitches.

Taking a look at the movies opening this week (and some from last since I missed an entry) to see what best firms up my commitment to being an Oreo!

Black Swan – Ballet, Portman and girl-on-girl love, oh my!

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – talk to themselves, dance ballet, be overbearing, hold lavish parties, create competition, go en pointe, take advantage, take baths, take off running, shapeshift.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – n/a…I mean, have you seen the way RBP dance? Definitely would not fit in with this movie.

All Good Things – Ryan Gosling tries to escape his complicated, tortured past

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie -wear tuxes with huge bowties, arrive mysteriously, have dinner with friends, play tennis, visit the other side of the tracks, get married, disapprove of weddings, enjoy lakeside chats, get caught up in the family business, dramatically remove glasses.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – Do not appear, though I suspect there might be one at one of those parties serving drinks or parking cars.

Dead Awake -Best I can tell, there’s a mystery…and death…and skip-bleach processing

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – Pensively watch home movies, relieve events, trap loved ones, see ghosts, get admitted to hospitals, yell, cry, walk precariously on the edge of buildings.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – do not appear

I Love you, Phillip Morris -Jim Carey looks pretty decent in briefs.

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – be lawyers, be judges, be charming white collar criminals, have families, play in the grocery store, fall in love, wear yellow n jail, golf, have pets, get in over their heads, have unusually understanding spouses, crossdress.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – populate the prison, work as a prison guard, work as a mover.

I think it’s neat that on the streets, in the courtroom and at the grocery store there are no black people. Why? Well, you see that once they get to the jail…that’s there the RBP are!

Night Catches Us – Oh look, here are some black people in a movie. Wonder what they’ll do!

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – frisk an RBP.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – get into bar fights, explain their absence, be loathe to forgive, get handcuffed–shirtless, look lovely on a porch swing, be Black Panthers, carry handguns, threaten their friends, carry rifles, shoot firearms at children, try to explain things to their children, run for cover, wipe prints off handguns.

Holyeffingyikes, being of color is rough and scary!

The Warriors Way – Ninjas V. Cowboys?

I tried to say some snarky stuff about this one, but it kinda looks really badass….No black people, though. And I guess, sure there weren’t too many black folks in the Old West, but there weren’t flying ninjas, either.

Why does this matter to Oreos? Well, whether we like it or not, people are very much affected by what they see on TV. It’s why advertising works. So to remind us over and over that of colors are at best marginal players and at worst criminals, it really helps those of us trying to hide our true colors find better and better hiding places.

******

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Follow the Rules and Make it Easier for Journalists

I would have posted this picture even if it didn't go along with the story.

One of the most important rules of being an Oreo is not to congregate with other Oreos. Doing this is obviously dangerous for an Oreo because it may cause you to start relating to other of colors on about things related to being of color and then your years of repression are as ruined as a salmon frittata cooked at 375 instead of 350.

But it also puts journalists in a sticky situation.

How are sports writers supposed to write about blackletes in typically anglo sports if they can’t call them “The Tiger Woods” of that sport?

Writer Richard Morgan writes about this phenomenon in his article: “The Black Athletes Who Don’t Play Basketball.”

In 2005, The New York Times noted that Kyle Harrison and John Walker were both considered simultaneous Tiger Woodses of lacrosse — and that wasn’t even counting the other two black lacrosse players, John Christmas and Harry Alford, who were layered onto the story as icing.

Adolfo Cambiaso is the “Tiger Woods of polo,” according to the Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel and according to Vanity Fair in May of 2009. Unfortunately, Jabarr Rosser, then a 10th grader in West Philly, was already named as a potential Tiger Woods of polo in the Philadelphia City Paper, way back in 2001.

If only Kyle, John, John or Harry had paid attention to the rules, they wouldn’t have put the NYT and Vanity Fair in such an awkward position. And we’ve seen how much VF wants to get imagery right.

Morgan continues:

Phil Ivey is, by all accounts, the Tiger Woods of poker. Although, given that he earned $17 million in three days of playing–and another $7 million in online poker–he doesn’t need endorsement deals the way Woods does.

Kelly Slater, the part-Syrian Australian, is or is not the Tiger Woods of surfing, depending on who you ask.

Jeremy Sonnenfeld was, for a while, the Tiger Woods of bowling—due to his age, not his ethnicity. England’s Robert Fulford was the Tiger Woods of croquet, again due to his age—though he was in competition for this title with Jacques Fournier. Same with the white Englishman Phil Taylor, the Tiger Woods of darts (and, by The Independent‘s measure, “Britain’s greatest living sportsman”). Although that was 2001, well before The Independent got around to writing about Lewis Hamilton, the young black Briton who is the Tiger Woods of F1 racing.

But if you are going to start crowding a non power sport with more than one person of color in it, be sure to do it correctly. Morgan describes how sports writers prefer to write about these anomalies.

Sports journalism tends to be celebratory, regardless of who is the focus of the story. With black athletes in atypical sports, stories rely on showcasing the player’s rare talent and fierce determination that have blessed him or her with the power to overcome whatever obstacles have kept blacks from joining, say, fencing teams in the past. It’s a very Billy Elliot version of The Blind Side.

But, as with The Blind Side, the story often becomes about how it takes a village of white people to transform a troubled kid by means of civilizing leisure. There’s the white adoptive family, the white coaches, the white private-school teachers, the white personal tutor.

See! While a high profile career in sports requires mostly insanely intense focus, determination, strength and a high pain tolerance, there is also a secret ingredient…if you’re of color. I don’t think we need to watch the video again to remind us of what that secret ingredient is, but just in case you wanna, here it is.

Aaaand, in case you’re worried that all these Tiger Woods of whatevers will make it more difficult for you to stand out at your next lacrosse meet or equestrian trial, don’t worry, Chris Rock is here to remind us of things of colors shouldn’t do…so that we Oreos can proudly go forth, do them and confuse!

His upcoming movie, The First Star, tells the story of people being baffled by black skiiers. Much the way Essence was, Morgan says a few years back.

in 1989, Essence ran a story on the National Brotherhood of Skiers; they marveled at “the sight of all those sisters and brothers at the summit, out there on the mountain at the crack of dawn, even after partying all night.

Oh, right…Essence is a black magazine…don’t worry. I only learned that in research for this post.

Yay! Women Win! So Do Of Colors…in the most wonderful of ways!

No, Sandy. Thank YOU! 🙂

I, along with millions of others, waited with bated breath as envelopes were opened and my work as an Oreo was thankfuly confirmed!

(First, I must pause to say, let’s hear it for the interpretive dance number…am I right!!!)

So many good things in this year’s 82nd Annual Academy Awards Ceremony. Director Kathryn Bigelow was awarded as the first female to win Oscar for Best Director for her work on The Hurt Locker. And in precious news to all those who are trying to escape their ethnicity, Sandra Bullock won for Best Actress for her work in the Oreo-tastic film, The Blind Side.

Bonus points for screenwriter Geoffrey Fletcher and actress Mo’Nique for their work on Precious. Extra bonus points goes to ‘Nique for leading us into the final Barbara Walters interview with some weird talk about how she and her husband are allowed to have sex with other people and an up close and personal look at how she doesn’t shave her legs. Why limit the conversation to tasteful, reasonable topics? We have an image to uphold and thus work against, here!

Bonus, bonus, bonus points for her ending the segment, not with the poised Mo’Nique we saw at the Academy Awards, but for sassing it up, just to remind us that we really only want the Academy to be just so progressive. Otherwise, of colors look just like regular people and all of our work is in vain. 

It’s great for women that the seal has been broken by Bigelow and that the nation can see that a woman is capable of directing a powerful, tense and gripping film with complex characters and a moving story.

Thank goodness then, that we are keeping of colors in the box that we as Oreos and Oreo adjacents need them to be in. 

By awarding a screenwriter for writing about the worst of of colorness and an actress for playing the worst of colorness while also awarding another actress for taking care of of colors when (per the other film featuring black people that was nominated for an Academy Award) no one else can, the Academy has reminded all of us of just how great it will be to shun our skin and ascend into true Oreodom. 

Nevermind that TBS leaves out a few key points of the story as  writer Prairie Miller puts it:

“… The Blind Side excels at expressing the profound maternal affection and protective instincts Tuohy develops for this lost young soul, other troubling matters that come to light are skimmed over, and never quite resolved with dramatic assurance. In particular, the formal charges that were eventually leveled against Tuohy and Oher’s high school football coach Hugh Freeze, by the National Collegiate Athletic Association. And essentially, that the boy was being financially exploited by this family seeking legal guardianship over him. Along with Freeze, who eventually got a paid position at the college, where both pressured for his matriculation as a student participant in football.

Eventually Freeze was found in ethical violation, though the movie avoids a deeper exploration of rampant exploitation of ghetto youth in sports. A far better film this year that tackles those issues head on, is the Anna Boden/Ryan Fleck candid Dominican baseball drama indie, Sugar.”

Peccadilloes like legal quandaries are a small price to pay for keeping the social order in check. 

Bonus points to me for DVRing this shindig so that I can watch both those fantastic pas de deux and see Sandy bring it home for me again and again and again.