By now, you may be thinking that your friends, business associate or tennis partners may be Oreos. But be careful, just because a person of color says something telling like: “Hey, there’s my Young Repbulican’s pin!” doesn’t mean that that person is a real Oreo.  Anyone can fake it for a minute. (And if any of you dated my ex-boyfriend Trevor, you know all about faking it…for just a minute.)

So, before determining if that Redwing season ticket holder in the box next to you is in fact a true Oreo, it’s helpful to check to see if they have any of these items in their possession. 

Dutch Language Books and Tour Guides

That’s right. The country who brought the world the Swarte Pieten is the country’s whose language I’ve chosen to study.

Pictures Taken While Skiing

All I needed was one other black person on the slopes to make me feel like I had denied my Oreo heritage and was actually engaging in something “my people’ did with regularity. Luckily, that did not happen and I enjoyed my hot vanilla while basking in the sun reflecting off the skin of the other skiers.

Franklin Covey Organizers

Nothing says corporate American, rigid and overcompensation like The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

An iTunes Full of Showtunes

As discussed earlier, this is a necessity. Why? Because the musical is a distinctly American art form. And because of that, it has wonderful undertones that keep your average African American consumer from consuming too many of them. Remember, this is a medium that hailed Al Jolson as a treasure…a performer who “didn’t feel like himself” unless he was in blackface.

Sunscreen

Just in case my wildest dreams come true.

So you want to become an Oreo, but aren’t sure how to get there?

Don’t worry, the steps below will walk you through the process. Be sure to consult with your physician before making any radical change to your lifestyle.

Step 1:

Be black.

Sorry white people. You’ll just have to content yourself with the encouragement you get in school, fair lending practices and generational wealth.

And for you mixed race folks, you’ll have to settle for the Presidency.

Step 2:

Move to the Suburbs.

It is impossible to be an Oreo if you live around high numbers of OBP. Their ethnicity, regardless of how Oreo-ish they may be will undoubtedly rub off on you.

Congregating en masse with OBP will eventually cause you to discuss issues pertinent to your race. Before you know it, you’re swapping stories about the first time you were called something off color (pun intended) or how your white friends thought it was hilarious to reminisce about the fact that their “out of touch” grandmother still calls Brazil nuts “n*gger toes.”

These conversations will cause you to develop a rapport with OBP and a fondness for your race, which can lead you to slip out of Oreodom and into being “actually” black.

Step 3:

Watch Soul Plane.

Nothing will put a bad taste in your mouth for the ethnic life like a modern day minstrel show. If Soul Plane is unavailable, you may try other films including: White Chicks, Big Momma’s House or Birth of Nation.

Step 4:

Borrow a Home Schooled Kid’s Ipod.

You need to redefine your music taste. Anything on the radio is out. Anything that may have ever been up for a Grammy is out. Anything that has ever been popular in any era is out.

Except for the classical era. You being a huge fan of classical music is a wonderful surprise to your average white person (AWP). So bone up on the Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikisovy, Stravinsky, Mussorgsky, Shostakovich, and any other super European sounding names.

Step 5:

Pick Your Favorite Middle American Name and Start Decorating the Nursery

It goes without saying that to be a true Oreo, you must only engage in interracial relationships. If you are currently dating a person of color, any color, you must end the relationship immediately and find a white person to soil your bed with.

Why date someone who might have an intimate understanding of some of the struggles that you have experienced when you can be with someone through whom you can vicariously enjoy white privilege?

If marriage between you and your melanin deprived love does occur, it must be done in a Roman Catholic style wedding, no jumping the broom for you. And any offspring produced must have a name that was popular with the ruling class near the turn of last century.

Hey! Where did you go?? See how well you blend in now?

Why Self Loathe?

One word: acceptance.

We all do things to make ourselves more appealing to the masses. We shave and wax, we buy exfoliants, we go ahead and have that third Jack and Diet. We blend in so that we can stand out without causing a stir.

They Have You Before Hello

The first thing you think about when you see a stranger is their race. Immediately, thanks to years of programming by the government and media, you determine a new person’s likely country of origin, their race and/or creed. This allows you to make other handy decisions about who they may be.

The second thing you think about is whether or not you would sleep with that person, but that’s for another conversation.

Back to thing one. You might think that if all the information you have about a person is their race, that you’re really in no position to make any sort of judgments or assumptions about that person. But thankfully, we live in a society that takes the guess work out of making decisions.

According to the media and various social assistance programs, people’s behaviors, attitudes, wants and interests can be clearly determined by the amount of and spacing among the melanin in their skin. Thus, strangers become boring, uninteresting and easily ignored. Why bother getting to know them when you’ve already learned what you need to.

Especially if said stranger is black. There are simply too many risks involved in your average black person for the stranger observing one to give them a fighting chance. As an Oreo, then, I have just a few precious seconds to prove them wrong.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense

And to get myself to the emotional place I need to be, my self-loathing kicks into high gear.

First things first. The voice. It’s scary when a black person speaks with slang and vernacular that is out of the mainstream. So I have carefully removed all trace of an accent. When I pitch my voice up and say my name and “nice to meet you,” people are put a bit more at ease. But the work’s not done there.

As we move through small talk to get to know each other, I am careful to go out of my way to prove that I do not related to “black” culture at all.

I’ve seen enough faces barely nod in bored recognition when I say I like August Wilson, but let me pull out a Harold Pinter reference and suddenly those faces are lit and interested in what I have to say. I’m predictable when I say I like The Fugees, but I am fascinating when I say I’m a fan of Big and Rich. When people think my novel is about a black woman, they say I may have a hard time finding a market for the story. When they discover that my protagonist is Greek, they can’t wait to see the book on the shelves. I am boring and a statistic when I say that I thought Girlfriends was an amazing sitcom but I am just intriguing when I say that I was sad to see the controversial FX show Starved disappear after about half a season.

What Doesn’t Kill Us Gets Us Invited to Parties

With a few simple denials of ethnic bias, I have transformed myself into someone safe and memorable. Someone interesting and enlightened. I have escaped my ethnicity and am now in the safe house of blending in.

What I don’t loathe myself for is my self-loathing. Of course I’m embarrassed by the images of myself I see on TV. I’ve watched enough Law and Order to know that while white criminals commit vaguely justifiable crimes of passion, black folks just kill, rape and maim for no discernible reason. I’ve seen the nightly news and I sympathize as the obligatory Oreo newscaster introduces the package explaining how everything was fine tonight in the Valley, in South LA, a bunch of minorities shot some other minorities. I’ve been a part of enough diversity initiatives to understand that we just can’t cut it without a serious stepping stone.

So let me hide who I am by hiding in who I am. Remind me, world, why I am not quite good enough as me.

Conformity may hurt at first, but like a new shoe, the fit stretches and soon it feels perfect.

Ethnicity aside, what else do I loathe myself for?

1. The fact that I just giggled at the WWE 25th anniversary commercial.
2. That I deleted what was actually item #2
3. That I own a surprisingly effective book called “10 Days to Self Esteem.”

JOIN THE PITY PARTY

Comment back and let us know what you hate about yourself. But do it with a smile. We like it that way.

******

Remember how embarrassing it was when you finally asked your parents where babies come from. Or when you asked the object of your affection out for the first time. Or when you asked your doctor if that odor was normal. Well, that’s probably how you feel about the questions you want to ask about Oreos. So here is a list of questions you probably shouldn’t ask in mixed company.

Is Being an Oreo the Same as Being Biracial?

No. Oreos are full-blooded African Americans. The kind that would have fetched a pretty penny in the beginnings of our nation’s history. And they are just as valuable today.

Is Being an Oreo a Lifestyle Choice Like Homosexuality?

There are genetic predeterminants that make it more likely for a child to develop into an Oreo. But, like alcoholism, anyone can pick it up if they give it a good college try.

Do Oreos Hang Out En Masse?

No. Hanging out with other black people pushes an Oreo into the full minority category. It upsets the white to black balance inside the Oreo and forces him or her to deal with his or her self loathing. Which is really too much to ask of anyone.

“En Masse?” Really? What are Some Other Favorite Oreo Words?

Predicament. Scintillating. Literature. Détente. Reel Big Fish. Portfolio. Pinot Noir. Deflection. Kayak. Carl Jung. Giraffe. Pedigree. Woodwind. Pregnant Silence. Avoidance. Calling Service. Evasion. Libertarianism. Ennui. Hablamos. Holland. Invisilign.

Who Do Oreos Date?

White people. Dating any person of color will cause the Oreo to be seen by the community at large as a mainstream minority. This will deplete the stores of points accrued by the Oreo and limit the chances of true Oreo acceptance.

Who Do Oreos Fantasize About?

Oreos fantasize about their forbidden loves: Other Black People (OBP).

Can Oreos have successful interpersonal relationships with OBP?

Yes. As long as the bulk of the interactions are done over phone, text and email. Oreos may occasionally meet in public with OBP for business purposes as long as those meetings occur at acceptable locations: ie. Traditional Sushi bars, country clubs or Republican fundraisers.

The Oreo Experience or: A Total Whitey in a Black Chick’s Body

Oreo – Slang: Black on the outside….white on the inside.

My grandparents have really cool recessive genes for black people. They have this rich, dark skin with bright blue eyes.

I also have an interesting recessive gene for black people: the one that makes me love Renaissance Fairs, Kristen Chenowith and dressage competitions.

This blog is dedicated to that existence.