With the Fourth of July hangover finally wearing off, your Solstice reading of A Midsummer Night’s Dream behind you, and your longbow freshly waxed to draw in solidarity with the teams in Rio in August, it’s clear that summer is here!!
The long warm days set the stage for all kinds of amazing activities for you and your summer-weight plaid to get up to. You might enjoy a nice turn about a topiary tour, relaxing at a regatta, or other activities that alliterate appealingly.
But as an Oreo, there is something you simply must do this summer:
Don’t Go Outside, Please.
Yes, the days are warm and lovely. But there’s no reason you can’t enjoy that beautiful summer sky from the inside of your French doors.
Sure, the waters on the Cape are just perfect. But why not take this time to host a slide show of your past exploits! That way, you get the joy of the memory without the risk of death sunburn.
And of course, you will be missed at the Equestrian Center, but with your friends Snapchatting you every Piaffe and Counter Canter it’s like you’re there.
Seriously, please don’t leave the house. Just… lock the door and stay in there.
There really is no reason to head away from your living room. No need to get into your car or head to a convenience store for any single thing. Between Postmates and Amazon, anything you need can come to you. Whether you want to nosh on some chicken salad on white bread or grab yourself a re-stringed badminton racquet, the Internets will make it so. And you can enjoy the whole thing from your claw-footed tub or Jonathan Adler couch while enjoying your Wes Anderson retrospective.
For the love of all that is holy, just stay home.
A season indoors will also give you time to finish all that needlepointing from the holiday, write some bang-up fundraising letters for charity, alphabetizing your Restoration Hardware catalogues, and making sure you know all the words to She Loves Me.
#janekrakowskiismyspiritanimal #dowestillusethephrasespiritanimal?
Plus, staying home will give you plenty of time to craft non-offensive facebook replies to perfectly reasonable questions like:
- Well, he did have a gun.
- Well, he did have a record.
- Well, his right arm wasn’t subdued.
- Well, don’t you think AllLivesMatter hashtag?
- Well, why not just stop resisting?
- Well, what about black-on-black crime? I mean, Detroit??
- Well, why would you be afraid? Don’t do anything wrong and you’ll be fine, right?
Truly, inside is just going to be your best bet for a while.
Fall will come soon and long sleeves, long pants, and turtlenecks will make the streets safe again.
Until then, my darlings.
Xoxox
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Need someone to keep you company for the rest of the season? What are you going to be doing with your alone time? Reach out here or at any of the links below and let us know!
The Oreo Experience 
you mean Chicago,,not Detroit