Hobby Lobby – Not Hateful – Helpful!

People are very upset over this Supreme Court Hobby Lobby ruling. And on it’s face, it seems very upsetting.

For those who have missed the news, the Supreme Court today handed down a ruling that corporations can withhold coverage for birth control for women if the religious beliefs of the corporation say that birth control is icky. Birth control can be denied whether the woman is using for slutty slut reasons or if she’s using it so that she can stand up the week a month that her body is being ravaged by horrible PCOS symptoms. Either way, female HL employees are out of luck. Meanwhile, male employee can buy all the condoms and vasectomies their little hearts desire.

What I think everyone is missing is that sure, Hobby Lobby is kiiiind setting up a precedent for actively discriminating against half the population of this country. But, it’s only because they’re offering some pretty sweet alternatives, you guys!

They are a craft store after all. And they’ve come up with some awesome DIY birth control projects that you can create right from Hobby Lobby’s own aisles!

 

Put a Bird on it!
Hobby Lobby is not offering help with women keeping themselves healthy, but they are offering discounts on its line of Small Pastel Natural Feather Birds. Just affix one of these lovelies to your naughty bits and voila! The feathers provide a gentle tickling sensation, but the beak assures you that your partner can only get so far.

CheepCheepCheep! It's a birdsong! Describing what people think of you when you have sex, but no baby to show for it.

CheepCheepCheep! It’s a birdsong! A birdsong describing what people think of you when you have sex, but no baby to show for it.

Wax On!
Use Hobby Lobby’s Natural Soy Wax Candle Making Kit to keep your yippie bog tidy and terrifying! The wax gently removes unwanted hair, while the wick you can now light keeps away unwanted dick. Just build the candle using your fiddle cove as the candle form and light it up whenever that special someone gets too close!

Everything looks better by the glow of candlelight. Especially Scalia.

Everything looks better by the glow of candlelight. Especially Scalia.

 

Play Dress Up!
Did you know that Hobby Lobby sold fashion accessories? You didn’t? What, were you shopping at some old school shoppe that upheld that boring old idea of the separation of church and state? Well, your world is about to get rocked! Because at the HL, you can dress up your purity by buying this Turquoise Burlap Flower Hair Clip. Just put this in your hair…or anywhere near you really and no one will touch you again. Especially not with their sexy.

Not sexy! Just like sex.

Not sexy! Just like sex.

 

Get Framed!
Remind your beloved how special and sacred your Georgia O’Keefe is by buying the right frame. All you need is a hot glue gun and the right faux sterling silver rectangle to make your man think twice about soiling that godly work of art. Hobby Lobby’s Mini Photo Frame with Rhinestones is the perfect addition to your gut locker.

116913

OOOooOOo, sparkly! Just like your innocence.

CrossStitch Crazy!
With a long enough needle, a little ice to dull the pain, and the fortitude to do the right thing, even though a few tears, you can create a beautiful design across your unholy opening–as you’re sewing it shut! Look, you probably have a tattoo or a piercing ya big slut bag, this isn’t going to hurt anymore than that. Plus, it’ll look so pretty and Jesus will thank you! In fact, HoLo has a wide variety of cross-related cross-stitchesfor you to choose from!

Chemical birth control is sinful and dangerous. But crafts are holy and fun! So make Hobby Lobby your Plan B; and we bet it’ll be your Plan A in no time.

 

What are your favorite DIY projects? And whose rights do they infringe upon? Let us know in the comments!

 

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
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4 comments

  1. There are 20 types of approved birth control methods under Obamacare. Hobby Lobby had a problem with only 4 of them. So why the ef are people freaking out on Hobby Lobby? 16 outta 20 ain’t bad sister(s). Nobody takes Plan B to avoid PMS symptoms.

    In fact the birth control methods most commonly used for managing the monthly debilitating pains you refer to are STILL OFFERED by Hobby Lobby.

    You used to be a reporter right? Where’s the digging?

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