One of the most popular questions I get as an Oreo is;
“You’ve never dated a black guy?”
And then when I ask them if they want to see my piccolo or otherwise try to change the conversation, the next question usually is:
“Piccolo? Is that a euphemism for something?”
And when I say no and smile inside because I think I’ve distracted them, they say:
“But wait. Really? Reallllly? You’ve…never…dated a black guy?”
That’s when I usually try to direct their attention to photos of me at a Renaissance Faire and ask them to help me pick out bodice patterns for next year.
“How is that possible…?”
First of all, I haven’t dated tons of guys who share individual traits with me. I’ve never dated someone from my hometown.
I’ve never dated another Journalism Major from The University of Texas at Austin. I’ve never dated a guy who was 5’5” who wore a small in women’s blouses. I’ve never dated someone with a birthmark on his shoulder, a bellybutton ring or a hatred for the Oxford comma that rivals mine. I’ve never dated someone who’s the offspring of an engineer and an accountant and I’ve never been in a relationship with an only child.
Second, it’s not like there are all these hordes of black guys who I’m denying access from the top of my ivory tower.
Though if you know an ivory tower for sale, hook an Oreo up!
Honestly, apart from my own family members, I don’t even know that many black guys. And the ones I do wouldn’t be viable options even if they could sunburn.
If I were to try date a black guy (#spoileralert, never will, it’s against the rules) these are the only options I could choose from:
- That quiet kid at work who sat down the hall from me last year – Much too young. I’m not opposed to dating someone my junior, but there’s maybe a 10-12 year age gap here, which—as you can tell by looking at me today—makes him like 12 years old.
- That one guy at the office I see coming into the same entrance to my building – I think he’s gay.
- That older guy at work who wears the fun t-shirts – Married
- That guy who works one floor down from me – Moving to the northwest in a few months. I’m much too needy for that.
- That guy with the round face and beard – I think he is also gay
- That guy at swing dancing – We don’t even talk. He Balboas, I don’t Balboa. When we tried to dance once, he was so annoyed that I don’t Balboa that we nearly stopped dancing halfway through the song
- My hairdresser’s son – He really is 12
- That priest – He’s already pledged his life to someone else. Way to c-block, JC!
So unless I want to be a homewrecker, a Mrs. Robinson or an RBP, there’s no market for me.
Even when I was dating online, I was never approached by guys of color. All of my friends regularly got pinged by a Jamaal or a Kendrick or a Michael. But not me. It’s like they knew, nay, respected who I was.
…Could have also been the fact that I put that picture of tweenage me on my profile and that I talked a LOT about Renn Fests.
Who are the black guys you know? Do you want to date them? Let us know in the comments!
Remember that time Dr. Drew couldn’t get over my dating habits? Click here to reminisce.