Movies always help remind Oreos why we’re trying to hard to escape our ethnicity. Whether it’s the accoladed The Blind Side reminding us that benevolent white folks could save us
from the plight suffered by the ladies in Precious and For Colored Girls or the omission of of colors from regular movies with playful plots, seeing as many movies as possible is crucial for an Oreo’s education because they often reinforce why we try so hard not to be so black.
Here’s some of what’s playing this weekend and, based on their trailers, some Oreo advice on what to see.
Morning Glory: Rachel McAdams is a plucky TV producer who saves the day.
What White People Do In This Movie: show concern for their daughter, posses an optimistic spirit, run hard in heels, star in morning news magazines, hire people, go a little bit mad, hold silly beliefs, work as technical directors, eat at diners, have sex, hold on against the odds, put people in their places, own Macs, have pain from childhood, kiss a frog–a real frog, not a metaphoric frogI.
What Black People Do In This Movie: rap, dry hump a co-host while wearing a sumo outfit…you know, regular black people things.
Skyline: Aliens are assholes.
What White People Do In This Movie: Be famous newscasters, remind us that genocide sucks,drink a lot, sleep with their lovers, take photographs, be unnecessarily hot during a disaster, have badass tatts, ignore warnings.
What Black People Do In This Movie: Black guy from Scrubs might save the day?? He’s holding a gun…of course he might just be uppity, we don’t know yet.
This movie does iterate one important Oreo rule. Black guy from Scrubs seems to be the one of color in his circle of friends. So good for him, and them, for keeping the ratios right.
Unstoppable: Chris Pine is hot and I was an extra in a movie with him, unfortunately, he didn’t take off his shirt in that one. Also, Denzel might have escaped his ethnicity.
What White People Do In This Movie: Be the new guy, throw down some sass, have a wife and kids, teach children, have a horse, take part in saving the day.
What Black People Do In This Movie: Be the old guy, appreciate sass, have two daughters, discover the disaster,take part in saving the day…
WTF, Tony Scott? This movie seems like characters were written as characters and not caricatures. Casting seems to have been based on a balance of chemisty and box office draw. That’s not how youmake a movie. Didn’t you see Morning Glory?
Due Date – Okay, I finally kind of like Zach Gailfianakis. Also, RDJ…marry me.
What White People Do In This Movie: regret family issues, ask too many questions, laugh inappropriately, have a dog, have a baby, get trigger happy,
What Black People Do In This Movie: look irritated, do a spit take, help RDJ hurt his traveling companion.
For Colored Girls – F*ck you, Tyler Perry
What White People Do In This Movie: Buy tickets for other movies.
What Black People Do In This Movie: Speak poetically, practice scary religions, live in scary neighborhoods, glare at their women, go on a date, cry in mirrors, cry in trashcans, cry in their apartments, cry in their condos, cry while standing, get preggers, cry in a hospital….Jesus, life sucks for these people!
Now, I do love Lorette Devine and Phylisha Rashad and would love to talk to them about their experiences…just not at the same time or in the same room. See Oreo rule discussed in the Skyline entry.
I actually won’t have time to see any of these movies this weekend, because I’ll be shooting my own piece of cinema–“White (on the inside) Christmas”–look for it in December!! And if you do check out any movies this weekend, let us know in the comments what you thought of ’em!