gabby douglas

Gabby Douglas: Pros and Cons

America’s new darling is presenting a very particular problem for Oreos.

How and if to support gymnast Gabby Douglas’s gold medal performances puts a self loathing of color in a tricky territory. It was the same conundrum faced in the 2008 election. On one hand, Barack Obama is the opposite of terrible fuckupedness. On the other hand…of COURSE you’re voting for the black guy. Typical. How do you be an Oreo when the dark horse isn’t the one that makes everyone uncomfortable, but seems to be the one that makes sense?

If you’re not sure if it’s in the Oreo code to join the GD bandwagon, that’s okay because frankly, neither are we. Check out these pros and cons and let us know what you decide.

PRO: By being up on current events and showing support for the little dynamo everyone loves, you’ll fit in at the office, yacht club or Ann Taylor Loft fire sale with ease

CON: Really? Out of allllll the athletes of COURSE you like the black one.

PRO: Gymnastics is a pretty anglotastic discipline to say you’re a fan of.

CON: True…but you can get paler. Dressage. Archery. Biathlon. Speed walking. You’re barely trying with this gymnastics BS.

PRO: By recognizing the historic significance of Gabby’s all-around gold medal, we might get one step closer to addressing the systematic issues that keep more young women like her from reaching their true potential.

CON: Look, there can only be so many Oreos. If we suddenly start making it okay for scores of black girls to garner national attention for something other than who their baby daddy be, then how are you going to stand out at the estate auction?

PRO: By helping spread the word about young Ms. Douglas, you may be helping a nation continue to heal from deep-seated historic wounds.

CON: Healing, schmealing! It’s the scars on the inside that really build–holy God, did you see that layout??! That was like poetry in motion. Literal poetry. I think sonnets came out of her leotard.

PRO: It’s a great chance in this charged political climate to come together as a nation in joyous support of someone who truly achieved the American Dream.

CON: Yeah, but c’mon! They’re Olympians for cryin’ out loud! All the athletes are awesome! Can’t you pick a white one? Gabby’s not the only one who–OHMYGOD! That was amazing! She’s like a gazelle and a wood nymph rolled into one unearthly being!!

PRO: She’s amazing.

CON: She’s amazing.

And she knows it. Clap your hands.
(source)

So choose wisely. Make the wrong decision and your face will melt off with embarrassment as people think you’re just another RBP. Make the right decision and you can keep the President of the Equestrian Society on your Christmas party invite list.

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Are you watching the Olympics? How’s that going for you? Have you ever been to the Olympics? As a spectator or participant. If it’s the latter, what are you doing reading this blog? And are you available for endorsements? I’ll totes pay you to temporary tattoo this domain on your face. What’s the problem? It’s just a temporary tatt. It’ll come off in like a week.

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