birthday gifts

Oreo-Approved Summer Gifts

Awww, you shouldn’t have!!
…yes you should. Always.
(source)

Summer is a big season for gifting. We had Mother’s Day, the Jubilee, this weekend is Father’s Day, then there are summer weddings, graduations, house-warmings, birthdays, then in the fall, it’s back to school, my birthday, a tiny break and then The Holidays!

When going to all these events, an Oreo must choose gifts wisely. Pick the wrong bauble of affection and you may lose your invitation to next year’s regatta. Your gift must be both an expression of who you’ve chosen to be and who you hope the people are around you. I’m not saying that if you choose a gift poorly, your face will melt off like you just drank from the Cup of Not Christ, but you might wish it would have. Stand out from the pack and the RBP with this handy guide of Oreo-approved gifts.

Father’s Day – June 18

  • Creme Fraiche
  • Franklin Covey organizers
  • Sachin Tendulker-autographed Cricket bat
  • Eggs in bed – Ostrich or Faberge
  • Notarized agreement to say simply “issues” instead of “daddy issues” to therapists, lovers

Wimbledon – June 25 – July 8

  • Came Set Match Care Package and Picnic Basket including: bottled water, sunglasses, wide-brimmed hat, binoculars, sunscreen, bribe money.
  • Ironic racquets from other sports – badminton, pickleball, squash
  • Andre Agassi
  • Creme Fraiche
  • Diamond-and-line judge tennis bracelet
  • Vintage Sports Illustrated covers, Current Sports Illustrated franchise

Fourth of July BBQ

  • Bottle of Zinfandel or Shiraz
  • A tasty side dish: Spicy orzo and black bean salad, garbanzo pasta salad, that nice young man from yoga.
  • Gordon Ramsay
  • Lamb – a live one for the kids to pet.
  • Creme Fraiche
  • *Don’t even joke about bringing watermelon. Even if it has been thoroughly injected with vodka

Bastille Day- July 14

  • Beret
  • Cake
  • Private performance of Les Mis
  • Champagne cellar
  • Marie Antoinette costume: wig, dress, ladies in waiting
  • Creme Fraiche

Weddings

  • Champagne
  • Appropriate gift certificates: Restoration Hardware, Williams-Sonoma, Municipality of Monaco, Law Firm
  • Summer home
  • Creme Fraiche
  • A plausible excuse

Baby Showers

  • Cloth diaper service
  • Organic swaddling blanket
  • Scientific paper showing evidence that drinking while pregnant isn’t always a terrible thing
  • Appropriate gift certificates: Restoration Hardware, Williams-Sonoma, Municipality of Monaco, Therapist’s Office
  • Creme Fraiche

Birthdays

  • Wine of the Month Club Membership
  • French Cheese of the Month Club Membership
  • Creme Fraiche of the Month Club Membership
  • Organic Produce of the Month Club Membership
  • Opera of the Month Club Membership
  • Emotionally Available Suitor of the Month Club Membership

TOE Birthday

  • Houseplant
  • Tickets to The Book of Mormom (I am willing to see this more than one time)
  • A pint or two in London
  • Adam Pascal/Ben Stiller/Hugh Grant
  • Creme Fraiche

You may also feel free to pick from any of the items that are on a standard Oreo shopping list. Though if you have to buy any of these items for someone, they’re probably an RBP and should be dis-invited from your box seats immediately.

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